..I am unbearably sad right now.. I cry atleast once a day... Blah.. I hate being so far away from him.. All I can literally do is dream about touching him.. Feeling his arms wrapped around me.. seeing him smile..I dont know how i survive not physically being there with him.. It's so fucking hard sometimes i just get so fucking mad because we're not really together.. I mean fuck.. I'm using up so much space in my heart for Kurt, and im willingly doing this, not by force or question, and I dont even know if we'll ever actually see or touch eachother.. That's so hard to do.. He means the world to me, literally.. I don't know what i was intending to say in this.. so im going to stop blabbing cuz theres no reason...

I hate only having one thing in life holding me up, keeping me from being ripped into the darkness and raped of all happiness and excitement..

I love Kurt to death, don't get this entry wrong.. But what if its just false feelings?.. I mean I know my feelings for him are true and real..but.. How do I know that his are?.. I mean I trust him and I'd do anything for him.. But what if he decides he doesnt want me anymore?.. What if the only thing holding me.. Keeping me from my own death.. Goes away?.. Then what?..

 Then I am left to fall...

Kurt.. I love you.. More than anything else.. I mean yes I have other things in my life that make me happy, but none as true and understanding as you.. I know I tell you this all the time..How much I love you and How much you mean to me but you just don't seem to believe me when I tell you.. Does that mean i just dont show it enough?.. Or is it the evilness of the distance taking its toll..

   What if it tears us apart?.. -Looks down at the cold floor and sighs with tears in my eyes-..

I feel so lucky to have him, I mean come on there are so many girls on elftown that want him! they have his pictures up at their houses and yes it bothers me, but i know he loves me and not them so i dont really mind all that much.. I just wanted to inform everyone thats reading this, you may want him, and you may be thinking of him.. But when you think of him remember hes mine, and im not letting go until im torn away by the limbs and thrown forcefully to hell.. Bitches.. x.x

 Sometimes I just wish you'd understand...

"A Beautiful Letdown"

The expectations and standards I am forced to live with are burning a hole inside my well-being.
The tightrope that is dangled so high above sanity that I am expected to dance across so gracefully is starting to wear.
My only sence of hope and happiness is being raped so forcefully from my grip is taking a turn on me.
I no longer am the little girl you all have grown to love and adore so remorsefully.
My world once painted so colorofully is now starting to fade to black and gray.
My heart that at one time sang so joyfully is losing its insparation.
I no longer have that strong hand to hold and guide me,
I no longer feel the happiness that once burned a hole inside me...

M.A.L. *04*

"Torn"

The decisions I am faced with are tearing a hole inside me.
The confusion inside my head is taking a hold of me.
I am mentally going insane not knowing if you even care,
The way I think about you, wondering if your thinking of me too is just not fair.
I cant seen to find the words to show you how I feel.
Im afraid that it is my heart that I will allow you to steal.
I love you
I need you
I want you...
To get out of my head.
These are the feelings I need to shed.
I hate you
I despise you
I'd die for you...
I need you to tell me if you really care,
But telling you how i truely feel is something I do not dare.
I have to know if I can allow these feelings to be born,
Or if I shall remain silent, and my heart remain torn..

M.A.L. *04*

My face was kissed by the sweet rays of the sunshine gleaming off of the lake of my life...



 My sweet blue oblivion.. You make the nonscence make sence.. You make the dull turn bright..

    The way you've impacted and changed the way i feel about things.. the sweet things ive taken for granted.. the feelings ive overlooked.. happiness is something i long for.. something i strive for.. you've made the fight easily won.. Thank you..

The stars can only shine so bright when your world is clouded by a dull gray, and everything that surrounds you is an empty sprial...


 

"Look What You've Done"

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Reality is nothing more than a dream...

Choices are nothing but a burden burning a hole into each and every one of our shoulders..

The childhood memories I at one time had, have come and passed.
The happiness I at one time experienced is now a part of my past.
The hole inside my heart is only becoming deeper,
And the tension and confusion inside my head is only becoming
steeper.
I no longer need your constant ridicule,
Because I now have come to realize its my heart that you have
fooled.
These ropes are no longer binding me to you so forcefully.
The pain I’ve felt for so long is finally being lifted
remorsefully.
My reason to smile has been raped so bitterly from me,
and my eyes feel like they can no longer see.
My eternal happiness is now only a dream.
My spinning thoughts I no longer know what they mean…


Yup i wrote it.. Comments would be lovely.

How come no matter what i do, i cant seem to make anyone happy? Including myself..!.. ugh

Ive come to the conclusion that I am way to sexual.. I seriously don't know any other girl that is like me.. I talk about sex all the time.. i think about it all the time.. i want it.. all the time! erghhhh.. :x

STITCHES FUCKING SUCK!!... GRRARR!!! n junk -pulls them out with tweezers even tho im not supposed 2-..hehehe.

heh.. have you ever had the feeling that everything is a fucking conspiracy?.. hehehe.. Its like.. everyone is being forced to like me.. and no one really does.. Hmmm.. -looks around nervously-... eh.. Yup.. my mouth fucking hurts, i feel like a weenie.. oh well..

Ooh.. Colorado is fucking retarded.. I miss home..really bad.. and obviously my friends miss me -glares bitterly at acea- i cant believe you.. that is so fucked up! I dont even know what to fucking think right now.. im so fucking mad..

Fuck men.. I am so about to fuckin go lesbian.. Its amazing how one person can rip a persons heart out without caring.. BLah FUCK YOU JONATHAN JAMES ADAM KORUS.. Fuck you..

....Im in the middle of taking semester tests.. and they suck butt. I woke up and only had like 10 minutes to get to school so im a bit crabby if i dare say so myself. :) Blah

woo the last day of school is on monday.. i cant wait except i will probably end up killing someone or myself before then. GOD IM STRESSED OUT.. derf.. uh yea anywho i just felt like writing something so it wouldnt be sad and empty anymore. :)