..Want to know the sloppy details of me and kurts break up?.. Go here! -dies-

http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?xMookiex

Anyone interested in knowing how I feel about God?.. Well here is a convorsation I had with the *oh so* wonderful Amber.. <3 By the way, we were not arguing, just simply having a discussion. Read if you want..

GodslilAngel2911=Amber
xMookMastahx=Me



godslilangel2911: first do you read the bible or even belive in God
xMookMastahx: I dont know..
xMookMastahx: If God does exist, then I believe he hates me..
godslilangel2911: no read Job that will change ur mind
godslilangel2911: no offence but we all have it better than we think
xMookMastahx: Yea i know..
godslilangel2911: first im going to tell you the story of job and then ill type the thing about love out
xMookMastahx: Which is why I feel so selfish most of the time..
xMookMastahx: okay..-sighs-
godslilangel2911: dont sound too happy there dont want you all excited or anything
xMookMastahx: Lol.
godslilangel2911: but job is one who followed God completely...but God wanted to test him..he took away everything job had...his family...his cattle (money at that time) and his health
xMookMastahx: -listens-
godslilangel2911: now job had two choices..he could say forget you God because he was on the brink of death or he could still follow God
xMookMastahx: uh huh..
godslilangel2911: he knew that if he followed God in the end he would be happy and he knew that if he didnt then he would be sent to hell when he died..now me personally i would have been pissed at God by now...but Job knew that even though everything he ever loved was ripped away from him he still had to trust God
godslilangel2911: so he kept seeking after God til he died...
godslilangel2911: and thats the story of job
godslilangel2911: you can read it in a bible in more detail
xMookMastahx: Okay..Did job go to heaven?
godslilangel2911: yep
godslilangel2911: because he trusted God even til the end
godslilangel2911: even when everything..his wife..children money...friends everything
godslilangel2911: was gone...he still held on to God
godslilangel2911: but just to make sure ill find out for you
xMookMastahx: okay..
xMookMastahx: You know.. I think part of the reason I dont pray or anything is because Ive never had full faith in God..And I think that if I just start praying all the sudden because I'm having a tough time, I would be selfish..
godslilangel2911: dude there is no right or wrong time to pray to God
xMookMastahx: If I were to actually believe in God, and start praying and shit, it would because *I* would see myself fit enough to be accepted by God..
godslilangel2911: he wants you to come to him even if the first time is because your having trouble
godslilangel2911: no
godslilangel2911: dont be like that
godslilangel2911: u are fit for God
godslilangel2911: just a few things so you know...
xMookMastahx: i just dont understand how someone so *loving* could allow so much HATE to happen in the world because of someones mistakes (adam and eve) He created man.. Correct?
godslilangel2911: yes
xMookMastahx: Then shouldn't he have known the complexity of man?
godslilangel2911: he did
xMookMastahx: If he created man, then he should know about temptation
godslilangel2911: he did
godslilangel2911: its like this
xMookMastahx: he should have KNOWN what was going to happen if he *see's* everything..
godslilangel2911: and he did
xMookMastahx: Then why did he let it happen?
godslilangel2911: let me explain this to you..
xMookMastahx: Okay..
godslilangel2911: when you are little your parents tell you not to touch something hot because it will burn you right
xMookMastahx: Right.
godslilangel2911: well more than likely your not going to listen until you know for sure if they are lying or not
godslilangel2911: so most people touch it anyways
godslilangel2911: then they realize hmm my parents were right
godslilangel2911: you see he made adam and eve
xMookMastahx: Okay i understand that.. But am I wrong when I say GOD was the first thing to ever exsist?
godslilangel2911: he has not beginning and no end
godslilangel2911: so yes
godslilangel2911: he was the first
xMookMastahx: Okay, so who created evil? Where did "Satan" come from?
xMookMastahx: If God created everything.
godslilangel2911: hold on let me find that out for you
xMookMastahx: okay.
xMookMastahx: And where did GOD come from?
godslilangel2911: hes always existed
xMookMastahx: Yes but how?
godslilangel2911: he doesnt have a beginning
godslilangel2911: i know its hard for you or i to understand but its true
xMookMastahx: Well, that is one of the things I cannot believe.
xMookMastahx: There is no solid truth.
godslilangel2911: dont worry about the things you dont understand
godslilangel2911: they worry enought about themselves
godslilangel2911: are you a person of logic
xMookMastahx: Yes but im dumb, I strive to understand, and I wont believe in something if there is no proof.
xMookMastahx: I try to be.
godslilangel2911: do me a favor..dont be
xMookMastahx: Not all of the time because I live in my own fantasy world.
xMookMastahx: Yes but we as humans are forced to believe fantasy is not real.
godslilangel2911: logic has no bases when it comes to God
xMookMastahx: Then why does everything else?
xMookMastahx: I'm sorry if I seem to be arguing with you, Im really not.
godslilangel2911: no its ok
godslilangel2911: i like this
godslilangel2911: i like to help ppl understand things they dont
xMookMastahx: yea..
godslilangel2911: and if you dont accept it..its cool too
xMookMastahx: I really dont think I will ever understand..
godslilangel2911: i know ill never understand all of it
godslilangel2911: there are things that i dont understand either
godslilangel2911: but God is in control and knows what hes doing
xMookMastahx: I'm not going to say I don't completely NOT believe in God, though.
xMookMastahx: that didnt make sence..anyway.
godslilangel2911: with time he will reveal himself to you
xMookMastahx: I hope so..
xMookMastahx: I would love something to believe in.
godslilangel2911: i grew up around it and didnt accept it til i was 15
xMookMastahx: I used to love to go to church
xMookMastahx: LOVED it.
godslilangel2911: i mean i went to church every sunday every time the doors were open
xMookMastahx: But I've run into alot of strict religions..
godslilangel2911: dude i was luthan
godslilangel2911: luthran*
xMookMastahx: I strongly believe that you dont have to go to church, or follow strict religions just to believe.
xMookMastahx: Pft.. I was Seventh Day Adventist.
godslilangel2911: hehe
godslilangel2911: i know that one
xMookMastahx: It sucks.
godslilangel2911: just to clear something up with you
godslilangel2911: ur right you dont have to go to church to belive
xMookMastahx: Thank you.
godslilangel2911: God is not about religion
godslilangel2911: God is about a personal relationship with you
xMookMastahx: If I were to pray right now
xMookMastahx: The only thing I could say is thank you for all the times you kept my ass from dying.
godslilangel2911: then do it
xMookMastahx: and the *Good* things hes given me.
godslilangel2911: just say God i need you and thanks..forgive me of my sins...
xMookMastahx: -Shrugs-.
xMookMastahx: Like I said, I feel selfish when I pray..
godslilangel2911: whats the worst that could happen
godslilangel2911: dont feel selfish...he wants you to come to him molly
xMookMastahx: Yes but sometimes.. I will PRAY for a sign that he is there
godslilangel2911: hes saying "molly come to me and just fall into my arms"
xMookMastahx: Pray HARD that he will make things better.
xMookMastahx: It never fuckin works.
godslilangel2911: dude
godslilangel2911: things are going to just go poof all better now
godslilangel2911: arent*
xMookMastahx: Yea I've realized this.
godslilangel2911: just dont lose faith
xMookMastahx: I really dont have any faith to lose..

..Why am I so selfish?... Nerrr and Why cant I figure out how to put my emotions right now into words?... -Dies-

Would you like to be the one who sees me fall?...

"Btw ur wondering why I love you...?


Wow this is gonna be hard there are like 1000 reasons, but hmm lemme try.. You always make me fuckin smile, you're the only one who I can smile for and actauly mean it, you Love me even though I'm like the dumbest loser in the world, you look over my faults and look at whats good in me(good? lol) you're the only person I can truly trust when you say "I love you", When we met it was akward yes yes, but when we hugged it was like the best fucking thing ever, nothing metted, like all my problems went away and all that mattered was you and I,You're Funny, you make me laugh, you're serious when you need to be, You're a beautiful person (though u dun see it) inside and out, (yes yes you have ur smart ass remarks but soo do I!! lol).. and yah I wanna say more but I really dunno how to put it in words :\ waoh loooong message lol (yeah yeah I know its all fucking mushy and shit, but every word in there is true and I hope it counts as something Oo;)



Anyways, I love you!!


I wonder how dumb that sounded :\"

^*And that my friends, is why I [love.] Kurtiss so fucking much.*^

Mother fuck.. I havent written in this son of a bitch in a while.. WoOOo updating. I love Kurt, I always have and I always will.. <3

SoOo me and Kurt are back together despite some asslickers.. Uhmmmm My mom is a psycho BITCH I hope she fucking dies.. I used to have this friend Kaite but shes a fucking whore and I hope she joins my mother in death..

Lol so alot of bad ass shit has happened these past months.. I'm okay though.

Yea so I lost my 2 bedroom duplex cuz dipshit Jesseca couldnt afford to pay the rent cuz her loser ass boyfriend Anthony.. Lets see what all happened over the past few months.. I went to Slipknot in April, that was fucking amazing. I was single so I went to alot of parties and did ALOT of stupid ass shit I shouldnt have done.. One of them including sleeping with one of my best friends.. Whats with me and doing that?.. Psh. Anyway, he just used me for sex obviously and that was gay. I used him as rebound though cuz me and Kurt had just broke up and I didnt really want Jordan but he was actually there and I was really drunk and it was fun... Then he stole 80 dollars while he was on parole and ran away and lived with us for a week.. now that was a crazy fucking week. I had a goddamned mental break down. wOOt. Seriously though, it was horrible. I was on like 100 or so millagrams of Adderal (legal meth) and Oxycotton, and other pain pills. I was fucking out of my mind fuckered up... I cried for like 5 days straight about everything that happened.. About Kurt, about hurting kurt, about jordan, about the drama that happened at my house, about some dude that wouldnt leave me alone that came over with jordan.. So yea I flipped the fuck out.. At one point I was curled up in the kitchen with like a roll of toilet paper hiding behind the counters... Lol then Jordan finally left and that was the point of retardation right there. I couldn't even move i was SO fucked up so i just laid my head on the wall and sobbed.. I like fucking convulsed my ex friend Katie was like trying to hug me while crying cuz she didnt know what to do and i just like layed on the wall bawling for like 5 hours.. Curled up into a pethetic little ball, so weak I couldnt even breathe. Normally when something like that happens I atleast have my thoughts gathered so I can move on after I stop freaking out.. But it was like a weeklong mental break down.. I tried to kill myself again.. Woot i know im retarded. I dont think I was meant to die at that time though because when I went into the bathroom to do it while my SLUTASS friend KATIE (fucking WHORE!) was laying on my bedroom floor with jordan and i was curled up in my bed being touched and freaked out by some dude named Shawn. Anyway I went into the bathroom to go slit my fucking wrists open but all of the 5 actual razor blades, nor the knife would fucking work! I pushed so fucking hard i broke out into a sweat and it was like I had a goddamn barrier over my wrist.. and Then i just like.. realized that i had more to live for..And i shouldnt do it.. It was the hardest reality i have ever been faced with and it fucking SUCKED. I have never wanted to die so bad in my life.. I had withered away to nothingness with my new found addiction to meth and my constant drinking..Which was another blow out i had to deal with because I mixed half a bottle of Bacardi and Half a bottle of Southern Comfort... I was so drunk I couldnt dress myself, pee normally, I puked down my shirt, nose dived in it, and woke up next to a goddamned trashcan DRUNK OFF MY ASS!. I was drunk the whole next day and I had a hangover for 2days after that.. I was ruddy miserable.

I also dislocated my knee cap, bruising my knee all the way down to the bone after I danced with the lead singer of Dielated and chilled with the lead singer of Venaculas. That was kew. I missed my best friends wedding, AND! My great grandmother died.

So yea, these past few months have been really fucking retarded but Im okay now I promise, besides the sudden outbursts and alot of crying, Im doin OKAY! woOt.


Enough of my ramblings even though no one will read this anyway. peace out.

<3 Molly

• Kurt is the one that you love.

• Albert is one you like but can't work out.

• You care most about Elly.

• Kate is the one who knows you very well.

• Olivia is your lucky star.

• Stitches is the song that matches with Kurt.

• I can tell you wanna fuck is the song for Albert.

• Waiting for my ruca is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.

• and Lets go get stoned is the song telling you how you feel about life

Haha mother fuck thats so true <3

People probably wonder why i never write in this.. Probably because I have nothing to say.. Im quite a boring person, who finds it unnessesary to write down all of my problems.. But whatever I guess.. I dont even think people read this anyway so whats the point of writing? It sure as hell doesnt make me feel better because everytime i write down what i feel people either get worried about me or think im psycho.. Hah.. :p fuck you all..

Yea so I got a job as a fucking telemarketer.. Im so not excited.. I dont want to fucking work there but i guess i have no other choice.. I need the money and its over $200 dollars every week.. -shrugs- I guess there are worse things in the world i have to deal with.. Like this girl I know Jesseca.. We used to be friends for like 5 years.. But suddenly shes decided that its okay to talk shit about me, not realizing that people will tell me everything she says about me.. Yea so i fucking flipped out on her.. And her boyfriend.. lol i almost gouged his eyeball out with my thumb.. God im fucked up.. Anyway this bitch is probably pregnant and I told her i was going to fucking kill her.. You should have heard me I was screaming like bloody fucking murder I was so fucking pissed off..God... Shes such a fucking dirty bitch.. It took all of my pysical strength to keep me from grabbing the back of her head and slamming it into the metal on her door.. I want to see her fucking die.. I really do.. I want to tear her skull open and pick apart her brain slowly and then gut the dumb bitch and hang her by her intestines.. But I could never do that to a person who used to be my best friend.. So i guess Ill just have to have morbid dreams about it and keep my mouth shut.. Ive realized that I dont need fake friends in my life.. I really dont.. So now im going to focus on my job and the things that surround me and are in my face that are actually worth my fucking time.. (yes kurt that does mean you)..

Its time to fucking fess up to my mistakes, get over them, and move the fuck on.. Im tired of worrying about who im gonna hurt or who gives a fuck.. I dont care anymore I need to do something for ME.. So anyone that has a problem with that, or wants to say something to me like im selfish, can FUCK OFF!

Oh and by the way, I want everyone to stay the fuck out of Kurt and my relationship. If it had anything to fucking do with any of you people we would be dating all of you. I know its hard for kurt when im not fucking around, but does anyone bother to think how i fucking feel? I have to live with the fact that theres someone I fucking love hurting because i cant fucking be there.. That doesnt fucking make me feel really good! Do you think I like crying myself to fucking sleep at night, worrying, waiting, wishing hoping things will change and get better? NO! I have other shit in my life that are HERE IN MY FACE that I have to fucking deal with which prevent me from fucking comming online! Im working on eliminating all of those things, but until then I cant fucking be here! Kurt fucking understands this, but since all of you FUCKERS cant seem to understand, now you know and if you have a problem with it you can fucking talk directly to ME. Thank you have a nice FUCKING day..


...Now im done being a bitch.. Peace out.

• Kurt is the one that you love.

• Jordan is one you like but can't work out.

• You care most about Olivia.

• Elly is the one who knows you very well.

• Katie is your lucky star.

• Cold is the song that matches with Kurt.

• Ohio is for lovers is the song for Jordan.

• Sooner or later is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.

• and Smoke 2 joints is the song telling you how you feel about life

001: Name: Molly what the fuck dude
002: Nickname: Mookie
003: Country of living: USA
004: Birthdate: 2/11/87
005: Height: 5'4"
006: Eye color: green
007: Shoesize: 7
008: School/work: GED classes GAYYYY
009: You smoke: yeh
010: Hobby's: Singing and smoking alot of pot..
011: Brothers/Sisters: My fucktard sister
012: Relationship: muh kleenex
013: Piercing(s): Lol my eyebrow, nose, tongue, and nipples
014: Tattoo(s): 2
015: Vacationland: lots of places dude
016: Are there people you wont reply to?: not really
017: Nicest person you met this year: Kurt
018: Person you rather not have met this year: Hmmm.. Robbies ex g/f brittney
019: Who would you like to meet: Kurt..
020: Who is it that you admire: Not really anyone
021: Most sexy person(s):Kurt
022: Favorite Pyama: Dunno
023: Favorite Car: cadilacz yum
024: Favorite Movie(s): Saw
025: Favorite Music: Rock, Punk, Emo, Death rap, etc.
026: Favorite City(s): Fuck dude i dunno Palm springs hell yea
027: Favorite Plush: Fuzzy stuff?
028: Favorite Perfume/au de toilette/aftershave: Cool water for women
029: Favoriete Magazine: Victorias secret
030: Favorite sound : bottle glass scraping across the pavement..
031: Favorite TV-series: Fuck tv
032: Favorite Writer: No one
033: Favorite Nickname: Dude and Mookie
034: What is on your mousepad: Dont have one its a lazor shiznit
035: What all is under your bed: Nothing..
036: Favorite color: Pink and black
037: Favorite Song ever: Venus Blue
038: Favorite song at this moment: I have no idea
39: Favorite food: anything good mostly chinese though
040: Favorite class at school: Lol..
041: Favorite drink: Captian morgan and coke
Alcoholic: Captian morgan
042: Lucky number: 7
043: What do you think that is greatest about yourself: Personality
Externally: Eyes
Internally: My originality and uniqueness kicks ass
044: What deodorant do you use: Dove and old spice (man shiznit)
045: Favorite shoes: my audios
046: What time do you go to bed on workdays: Uh when i crash
047: What word do you use most: hardcore
048: Most romantic moment in your life: first kiss
049: Most ashamed moment of your life: Dunno
050: You spend your time rather inside or outside: Outside
051: What do you do in the weekends: Smoke alot like always and drink
052: What class on school do/did you dislike most: School?
053: Your Breakfast: I wouldnt know
054: What do you really really dislike to eat: most food
055: Pets: 8 cats and 1 dog
056: Laugh or dream: laugh
057: Serious or funny: funny
058: Fast or slow: both are good
059: You prefer being alone or have relation: a relationship
060: Simple or Complicated: complicated
061: Cremate or Buried when dead: cremate
062: Sex or alcohol: sex
063: Stay up late or go to bed early: stay up late
064: Light of dark?: dark
065: Speak or Silence:speak
066: Tall or Small Woman: small
067: News paper: k
068: Hug or kiss: kiss
069: Happy or Sad: happy
070: Life or Death: Life
071: Gig or Disco: gig
072: Left or Right: right
073: Sausages on top, or on the side: dont care
074: Dark/ Red/ Blonde: red..
075: What would you ask god if you could ask him 1 single question: Is there a purpose to my torment or is it just a fucking mind game you like to play with people?
076: Do you believe in reincarnation: yeah
077: Do you believe in Aliens: yah
078: When you die, what will be your last words?: hopefully it will be in kurts arms so i can say i love you
079: Does true love exist?: yah
080: How many kids would you like to have?: Undecided
081: What is the thing you cant stand: being alone
082: Best feeling: orgasms and being in love
083: Worst feeling in the world: being alone
084: What are you afraid of: people
085: Are you an emotional person: yea dude
086: You cry while watching a movie?: Yea
087: Your goal in life: Be somebody
088: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years eve: not to make a promise to myself
089: Who is your favorite artist?: i dunno
090: As what animal would you like to reincarnate: i dunno
091: What is the most beautiful part on the female body: eyes...
092: Most original place to ask your love to marry you: I dunno..
093: What do you think of elftown?: Whatever
094: Is there something you miss about elftown?: NO
095: Where did you get this question list?: Kurt
096: Besides elftown, what do you do most on your PC: Talk on yahoo and msn
097: Is there a question you missed in this all?:NO?

...Fuck...Off...

Yea so kurts fucking pissed at me, how lovely.. I mean, right the fuck on! I have no fucking clue what I did to him but okay. Whatever I guess.. Im not the one who said I'd tell him everything i ever wanted to know! He told ME that! God he acts like I'm gonna get pissed at him.. And maybe since hes dodgeing the question so much maybe i should be mad at him? God.. What the fuck.. Whatever I dont even give a fuck.. Just another wasteful fight..

-Drowns myself in a dixi cup-

..I am unbearably sad right now.. I cry atleast once a day... Blah.. I hate being so far away from him.. All I can literally do is dream about touching him.. Feeling his arms wrapped around me.. seeing him smile..I dont know how i survive not physically being there with him.. It's so fucking hard sometimes i just get so fucking mad because we're not really together.. I mean fuck.. I'm using up so much space in my heart for Kurt, and im willingly doing this, not by force or question, and I dont even know if we'll ever actually see or touch eachother.. That's so hard to do.. He means the world to me, literally.. I don't know what i was intending to say in this.. so im going to stop blabbing cuz theres no reason...

I hate only having one thing in life holding me up, keeping me from being ripped into the darkness and raped of all happiness and excitement..

I love Kurt to death, don't get this entry wrong.. But what if its just false feelings?.. I mean I know my feelings for him are true and real..but.. How do I know that his are?.. I mean I trust him and I'd do anything for him.. But what if he decides he doesnt want me anymore?.. What if the only thing holding me.. Keeping me from my own death.. Goes away?.. Then what?..

 Then I am left to fall...

Kurt.. I love you.. More than anything else.. I mean yes I have other things in my life that make me happy, but none as true and understanding as you.. I know I tell you this all the time..How much I love you and How much you mean to me but you just don't seem to believe me when I tell you.. Does that mean i just dont show it enough?.. Or is it the evilness of the distance taking its toll..

   What if it tears us apart?.. -Looks down at the cold floor and sighs with tears in my eyes-..

I feel so lucky to have him, I mean come on there are so many girls on elftown that want him! they have his pictures up at their houses and yes it bothers me, but i know he loves me and not them so i dont really mind all that much.. I just wanted to inform everyone thats reading this, you may want him, and you may be thinking of him.. But when you think of him remember hes mine, and im not letting go until im torn away by the limbs and thrown forcefully to hell.. Bitches.. x.x

 Sometimes I just wish you'd understand...

"A Beautiful Letdown"

The expectations and standards I am forced to live with are burning a hole inside my well-being.
The tightrope that is dangled so high above sanity that I am expected to dance across so gracefully is starting to wear.
My only sence of hope and happiness is being raped so forcefully from my grip is taking a turn on me.
I no longer am the little girl you all have grown to love and adore so remorsefully.
My world once painted so colorofully is now starting to fade to black and gray.
My heart that at one time sang so joyfully is losing its insparation.
I no longer have that strong hand to hold and guide me,
I no longer feel the happiness that once burned a hole inside me...

M.A.L. *04*

"Torn"

The decisions I am faced with are tearing a hole inside me.
The confusion inside my head is taking a hold of me.
I am mentally going insane not knowing if you even care,
The way I think about you, wondering if your thinking of me too is just not fair.
I cant seen to find the words to show you how I feel.
Im afraid that it is my heart that I will allow you to steal.
I love you
I need you
I want you...
To get out of my head.
These are the feelings I need to shed.
I hate you
I despise you
I'd die for you...
I need you to tell me if you really care,
But telling you how i truely feel is something I do not dare.
I have to know if I can allow these feelings to be born,
Or if I shall remain silent, and my heart remain torn..

M.A.L. *04*

My face was kissed by the sweet rays of the sunshine gleaming off of the lake of my life...



 My sweet blue oblivion.. You make the nonscence make sence.. You make the dull turn bright..

    The way you've impacted and changed the way i feel about things.. the sweet things ive taken for granted.. the feelings ive overlooked.. happiness is something i long for.. something i strive for.. you've made the fight easily won.. Thank you..

The stars can only shine so bright when your world is clouded by a dull gray, and everything that surrounds you is an empty sprial...


 

"Look What You've Done"

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Reality is nothing more than a dream...

Choices are nothing but a burden burning a hole into each and every one of our shoulders..