Don't be surpirsed if you wake up tomorrow and find out I'm dead or run away.

My mood swings are getting more violent and more unexpected lately. I really want to tell my parents that I need someone to talk to but we are so low on money right now that I don't want them to have to pay for something else or as it probably would happen, have them yelling at me again. Garrett rearended someone today so there's another expense and then schools coming up. God I don't know what to do anymore. Why is it that when I need my friends the most they turn their backs on me. I just don't know anymore. I need the people I love more than ever but will they stay? The Zoloft isn't helping really and I just, all I can see is just getting myself out of this life the only way I know and that's with a blade, but if it went wrong like every other time I don't think I could bear the ridicule of everyone. I just don't know...

Ok welll, today I feel.....really really good, lol. It's interesting how spending time with people you love can help you.....So why am I happy you ask? Well I'll tell you. Yesterday Karen came and picked me up from Guitar and she took Emma and I to the Mall where we met up with Wade. Holy shit you have no id ea how much I missed him....I seriously felt like crying just from seeing him. But yeah we went in and we headed over to the Arcade to see who all was there and I met Emma's Friend/Wade's Exboyfriend, Sketch. He was so fucking awesome, and yet so weird. Out of nowhere I conversation went from penises to boobs. It was hillarious.....and then Emma, Wade, Emma's friend Jon and I went off just going random places and it was a lot different than usual cause Emma isn't exactly allowed in the Mall til like August so we were like keeping it on the DL. But we went around and we went to the Pet Shop and OMG! I held this little bunny and it was so effing cute >< I named him Mr. Jimmy Nibbles lol yes I know, I'm a little off. But it was cool and Emma was holding a ferret and it bit her arm and wouldn't let go but i pulled it off it was so funny. Oh and then all three of us went into Victoria's Secret and Emma and I were trying on these corsets, they were so hot. lol But we went back over to the Arcade and me and Jon were just like dude we need ciggarettes so we went outside to have a smoke and Sketch was out there and it was so fun we were messin around and he was like act like you're my girlfriend for a sec. So I was like ok (chill out he's gay, he's not interested in me) And it was so funny. And then we all went back inside and I went into the Arcade with Sketch and watched him play some serious DDR and it was so kool. And then he sat down with me and I guess I'm a good pillow so he was laying his head on my shoulder and and we established that we shall be lovers (he's still gay, jesus learn the art of inside jokes) and it was fun til I had to leave well, me and Emma had to leave so we were giving everyone hugs and stuff and Sketch and I were holding hands skipping down to the carosel and he tried giving Garrett a hug and Garrett freaked out, it was humourous. Then me and Emma and Garrett left and we were going down the highway and i was sticking my head out the window and garrett was going 90 it was hillarious. But yes we got back to my house and we just like hung out for a while then me and Emma went and sat outside. This dude in a convertable with his gf drove past with the music blaring and I yelled "Have fun with that!" and the dude stopped the car and backed up.....he was like what did you say to me, and I repeated it and he drove off, it was fucking hillarious.....We were being weird last nite and I made Emma look like Shirley Temple on Acid.....haha well yes, today is Garrett's birthday, and I love him, he's a great brother......I LOVE YOU GARRETT!!! <3

Well this is for anyone who wanted to or is interested to know.....I was stupid and did a really stupid selfish thing the other day.....I ignored all of your word, and caring, and did what I haven't done in a year.....I cut myself,. yeah I know I said to a lot of you that i would never do it again, but that just shows how weak i am. I'm sorry to all of you and.......well I regret it, a lot. I'm sorry for letting all of you down......sorry

Alright you know, these past couple days to a week have been hell for me, I mean really really bad. I've been so moody and so bitchy and just depressed out of my mind.....And I've scared a lot of people with things I've said and I've hurt a bunch of them. Everyone I talk to on this page is my friends and I care about you dearly and you should all know that, but a lot of the time I'm not as strong as a lot of you think I am, but I'm human and I can't be strong all the time. I break down as most of youcan tell from earlier entries......But all in all I just want to get across that I'm trying, I'm trying as hard as I can to be the person that you all see me as. The girl that so many of you call beautiful and funny and inteligent, I want to be her again but I don't know if I can or if I could ever be strong enough to be her but what i'm saying is that I'm trying. I'm trying for all of you who care about me, I'm trying for all of my friends who've stood beside me through all the shit I've been through in my life, and, I guess, I'm trying for myself. I really truely love you all and what all of you have done for me means more to me than you'll ever know. I'm here for ya'll in return for all that you've done for me and I hope, will continue to do for me. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,
Alexa Mariel Camp

ok seriously i have no fucking clue what the fuck will go on in the world and personally I DON'T CARE! I'm so fucking scared of everything in this world it's not even funny. There really is only a handful of things to live for and all of them at the moment are my friends and THAT'S IT. I need to get out of this town first off if i can't get off the fucking earth....I want to see all you ppl outside this hell hole.........I especially want to see the 3 guys on my page, they mean so much to me it's crzie but ya know god know i can't see them cause sumthin don't want me too.....fuck it, fuck the world, fuck you all....

I am so fucking stupid. God i wish Jeremy would have never found me, and I would have just died. I feel like hell, and ontop of that is the fact that i have to live without my best friend for like the next two years cause of her dad, and I hate it.........I reallly cannot take this anymore........I feel soooo sooo sooooooooooo horrible it's tearing me up. I want tori to be here from now on, not to be on the other side of the world, and i want for once something to turn out in my favor, i feel like hell and ontop of the Tori thing is my fucking supposed "love life" god, i'm suck a fucking idiot, why do i eve think that I'm anywhere near anybody's standards, nomatter what and however nice and all that shit it alweays turns out wrong, god I just want to DIE! i really don't know anymore.......i really don't

How can I keep living and smiling trying to reassure people........NOTICE TO EVERYONE EVERYTHING IN ME IS EITHER DYING OR DEAD.....my life is hell anymore and I hate it, I want to go back to when i didn't have to worry about all these things.......I don't think the world is out to get me it's just all the people on it.....I can't do anything right anymore it seems, and I'm such an idiot opening myself up to people that I know will hurt me, why am I so blind? I just really don't know why I'm still here there are so many people here who really love me but how can they love a person that doesn't love themself? They deserve better than me and yet they stay with me? Do they see something in me that I can't quite see? I really love them and I guess they're really the only reason I'm still here but I don't know if they'll always be here or not. I love everyone that has stood beside me through all the shit I've gone through in my life and I'm really sorry I'm really sorry I've been the disapointment I am.

Dead and broken,
Dry and caked with mud,
He pushed me under,
And nailed the coffin shut.
Panic stes in,
Screaming his name.
Praying it's some sick twisted game.
But the dirt begins to fall
Around this coffin's walls
I'm trapped inside,
With nowhere to hide
Trapped inside,
This broken mind.

~~*You*~~

Lost in a world full of hatred and fear,
It help to know that you're always near.
If not in body then in soul and heart.
And I'm sure nothing will tear us apart.
I live for you,
Your touch,
Your face.
It helps me to get by in this wretched place.
In this world full of violence and greed,
You and your love is all that I need.

~~*Untitled*~~

Refuse my past,
Move on with life.
Hold me close,
Hold me tight.
Make me forget all the things I hate.
I need to be with you,
Lest I deny my fate.
Oh tell me it's true,
Oh tell me you're mine
cause being with you makes me feel divine.

ok and now on to the new poems

~~No Title~~


Love,
Hate,
It's all the same.
You look right past,
I scream your name.
What will change this?
Not a thing.
You left me once,
It'll happen again.

~~Welcome To The Main Attraction~~


Life in a hole,
Fucking round and round,
They can get in,
But I can't get out.
They love the show,
It never gets old.
It's my own little carnival.

~Perfection~


This perfect life you see before you,
Rots and falls away.
This hollow exhistance,
This battered soul,
Dies so very slowly.
All that's left is dust and pain.
There is no soul,
No heart remains.

~~Anguish~~


I see the world through the eyes of a broken person.
I lost my life the day I turned my back on you.
You left me because I asked you to.
But I never wanted you gone.
Does it make any sense?
I don't know,
All I know is that I miss you.
And most of all, I love you.
I always will,
Even if you resent me for what I did to you,
I knew you cared.
And now I may never know if you still feel the same.
I hope you do,
I pray that you may one day forgive me,
But for now all I can do is tell you,
Tell you how much I wish I could take back what I did.
Something in me died that night,
The only part of me that knew how to love.
This word seems so foreign to me now.
I wish you were here,
And once again I must say,
I miss you and I'm sorry.
Please come back to me!

~~The Remains Of A Soul~~


Go away from my heart
The pain you've caused is so great
The hurt is so unreal
Please make it go away


Why can't you leave me
Haven't you done enough
What's done is done
I've had enough


You said that you loved me
But where is that now
My life was so happy
It felt so right


Caught in my mind is all that we had
Can't we go back
My life was so sad
You seemed to be the only strand I had
Left of my poor dead life


Fate put the scissors in your hand
The thread was cut
The heart I had once known had been washed away
And all that was left was the shattered remains

~~Death, In A Sense~~



The world caves in.
Everything's black and cold.
It drags me down to the deepest core.
And leaves me there to rot.
My world ended and yet, the earth still spins
Ironic, isn't it?

~Immortality~


I feel the death
As life falls away
Taking what's left
Day by day
Though the life I once lived
Has been taken away
The one I live now
Will never go away

ook i'm puting all my old poems back in here since none of you people know how to go to my poetry page....so here we go

~~*Running*~~

And so it ends,
Just like it began.
Running from life,
What a great plan.
The only blockade,
That stands in my way,
Is you and your love,
And I hope it'll stay.
My sanity and soul survive cause of you.
You're the only reason I still see life through.
And now I know your love is real,
I hope you know how that makes me feel.
My sun, my moon, my stars, my life,
I'm with you every day,
And every night.
Running was never an option you see,
Cause I knew that life would bring you to me.