oooh....garage sales, or yard sales whatever, anyway! i am at on at the moment and some lady bought all of my old clothes...i've made aboot 50-60 dollars so far...and I'M GOIN TO RAGARAMA!! WOO! but newayz...i'm feeling kinda bad cuz i missed my Rachani's sweet 16 to be here...but i needed to help...and i get moola moola, but I LOVE RACHEL!!!! KISSIE KISSIE! and i am also very caffiene defitiant and i was woken up at 5 am just to set up tables and it was very cold outside.but i can hear people outside getting ravaged by the little ones and my mom is watching karate kid...wee! 
but i havent learned anything new, except as soon as i step into the highschool i cant remember what the class with the writing is called (ie creative writing, thanks morgan!) and i am rather depressed at the prospect of child development classes. i dont want babies...i dont want to learn about them, i know to make sure they're fed and still breathing. i am an excellent babysitter! but i'd rather have french or creative writing. but i have gifted (yay!) and journalism ie newspaper and yearbook (yay times 2!) but i hope this year is better than last year...

okay, i feel embarrassed over some of my poems...the mooshy gooshy 'oh i'm a depressed lover' ones....
i didnt think when i wrote them. i was saying in them i was through and over it, but by writing them i officially countered that and i realized i was being moon sick...so i quit. sorry i took them off. i kept some, the ones i just wrote because i was bored. but nothin much is goin on, i'm eating again...and i'm doing pilates and yoga, and that stuff hurts my butt....i still cant play guitar very well and i know 3 chords officially, woohoo! but i am positively terrified of going back to hiskool...i hate it times a million. i'm looking forward to football games because i can meet up with friends...wait! all my friends are in band! except the other non-extra curricular activity buddy who is going to Hope Academy (where science vocab is "faith" and "mercy") so i'm all alone....*sniff* oh well, i'm doin my best to be happy, and guess what? i havent seen my counselor yet because she keeps rescheduling...but i'm happier than ever, and i'll see most of you that'll read this at skool. :'(

hello to all, i am feeling okay, except i have this nervous feeling in my stomach and i dont know why...could it be it's almost school time? maybe. could it be i'm waiting for mom to blow up and get mad? possibly. could it be that i havent eaten anything today but fruit because i'm afraid of the calories? AHA! i got up, went jogging (in 101 degree weather) then i drank whole bunches of water and threw up (shhhh, dont tell my mom!*nervous giggle) and now i am at the community center, i was working out and i worked of 500 calories according to my machiny thingy...i wonder if that canceled out any of my fruit, an apple, an orange, and half a banana...now i'm going to go eat a subway sandwich and possibly throw it up.
to those who know me and are asking "How did this start?"
i'll tell you exactly how it started. 
i was getting ready to go to st. louis and i put on some of my sister's shorts and they fit! yay! usually they dont, i mean if you've seen my sister that's pathetic, i didnt think i was as big if not bigger than her, but aparently i am...so i was happy, turns out the shorts were too big on her, by a lot, but hey they were cute, so i thought nothing of it.
then i went to forest park and played frisbee and stuff, then to union station because it was too hot to be outside. well at union station there was this bungee thingy where you jump on a trampoline with bungee cords and go really high, well when i went to be weighed, it turned out i weighed too much to get on it...then i was walking around, surrounded by skinny girls in skanky shirts, with boyfriends all over them like their skin tight pants...and i was there in baggy shorts, an oversized tee shirt and the sign "single and fat" blinking over my head like a damn beacon honing in on all the single fat dorky boys who's hobbies are video games, because of their asthma. i dont mean to sound superficial but i want to have a cute boyfriend, one all the girls like, or i want to be the girlfriend all the boys look at. but i'm not, i couldnt even keep a GIRLFRIEND! i'm just fat, and i'll forever be this way until the day i die.

i see it

i see it!
it's there
so unusual
and yet so ordinary
sor weird
and yet so beautiful
it's there
and time slows
and just as quickly
its gone
there, there,
nowhere
up, down,
all around
keep looking
you'll find another
all glitters and rainbow
lipgloss kisses spent
seek and you shall find
but dont look hard
or you'll missit
it's right in front of you
i see it
look close
yet far
and relax.
...
there it is.

MY SUICIDE

ah, my suicide
my music
i love it
no death of blood
no starving skeleton
no 18th hole to the head
i choose to drown
not in water
no liquid is sufficient enough
to kill my pain
no pill toxic enough
i choose to drown
in my music
"i love you, i hate you"
"i've become so numb"
"should i stay or should i go"
over my feet
over it flows
so comforting my old friends
covering my head
i dont flounder or panic
i embrace and inhale
the crash of guitars
the bass
the words of my gods
speak to me
and all pain is forgotten!
all the stress
all the hurt
is lost in the love
the love of unexplainable joy
the joy of words

  Hey Ho, Let's Go! Mkay, it's getting dark outside, not because it's night or anything...because it's getting ready to storm. I'm not going to be one of those blonde, petite, pink, highheeled girls and cry or run in my basement and huddle in a dark corner...No! I shall stand and face the storm! I shall watch it come in, take out the neighbors house....and then i shall run into the basement, yet still watch from the windows...at least until mom yells at me and grabs the back of my pants and hauls me off of whatever i was standing on to see...
neway...i think kyla is mad at me, she barely talks to me and we're not as close as we used to be...despite all we've gone through...oh well, hi to all who read this! and vist gypsy rose, arsenic cherry, and polaroid of purity!