WRONG!!! Emma did not read this and tell mom; mom read it herself. She asked me why I put all of this stuff on here, I don't know you people. I say it's because I don't know you. Most people on here don't know me well, can't say whether or not I'm just being a baby, they don't know, so I guess I tell you all because all you do is console, and I like being consoled. The few that do read these are generally being mentioned and comment on it, but we all remain friends. I love Elftown. I walk into the school library one morning to find a bunch of kids on it on the computers. I took the name into memory and one day got on. I can rant, I can rave, I can say stupid things about stupid subjects...I can also be kind, but that doesn't always happen. I got on here and write everything because the people on here from Russia, the UK, Australia, or even here in the US are better counselors than anyone at school or at the "Community Counseling Center". Mom just needs to realize these. Mom if you read this, please just stay away...or just let me express myself......and I'm sorry for the cursing.^_^

okay, so who else thinks it is really annoying when you have these little kids who are all "punk" or "goth"? the goth kids think that they're goth because they wear black and cry a lot. Then at the same time they're all "check out my new green day hoodie!" STOP LYING TO YOURSELF KIDS! YOU ARE NOT GOTH!
hey you punk kids! green day?? corporate rock. my chemical romance? emo. etc. etc.
punk bands are bands such as sex pistols, the ramones, the clash, flogging molly...probably bands you have never heard of!! 
i dont even know why i'm saying this...no one cares...
but honestly...the same chord being played over and over is also not a very good song. like the songs almost all of these bands today play. seriously, check out hendrix, angus young, van halen, these are some of the most awesome guitarists of all times, and they do not play the same chord over and over. sorry, buddy. :)

I'm getting pretty depressed. Great way to start this out, huh? I notice I only write during extreme periods of emotion. The closer the year gets to summer, the more sad I become. I'll probably be moving...after 5 years of becoming accustomed to Ste. Gen and I have an awesome boyfriend (who I like a lot, but makes me nervous cause he's so touchy feely!!) and I finally am getting rewards of being an upper classmen....and I get to miss it. My mom is so stressed because she doesn't have a job yet, and she takes it out on us here at home. I'm constantly yelled at and not trusted. I feel so bad, like I'm one of the worst people in the world. To top it off one of my best friends is still not over the fact that I'm dating her ex....she dated one of my exes before and I had no problem with it!!! then one of my best friends, Pat, died on May 2nd. It just really brought me down. I got to spend his last weekend with him at camp with all the gifted kids and so now we have tons of memories of him, but I just feel this void. I didn't think that Pat took up that much of me, but he did. Now everytime I find one of his stupid comments or drawings in my notebook I almost cry. I just wish I could see him again. I did something in my desperation and depression that I haven't done in years....I cut myself...not enough to bleed, but enough to know that I could make myself if I wanted to. And I feel better. Is that sad? I just feel like my world is shutting down and that nothing is possible any longer. I hide it at school because I always look happy and pretend to be, but my stress is just taking over. Rachel and I, both. We bitch together, though, but I hope she never hurts herself...she has too much going for her. Oh well, I really just need to go. My sister will read this and tell mom...I shouldn't put all of this stuff in here anyway. I don't even know you people.

My dog is half parrot. He cant walk down stairs yet, so i have to carry him and he leapt off my shoulder (where he was sitting) then went and attacked the neighbor lady's dog. Fez kicks bum!! yay for my poopy!! I'm watching Dead Poet's Society....i want to start something like that at my school...i don't think it would work out, but hey, there's always hope.

for all you people that know what i mean and are so close to graduation, isn't it weird? i have just about one and a half years left until i graduate...i'll be gone in the real world, where they pay bills and have to know directions. i'm terrified. i dont want to leave, i want to stay a kid forever! *tantrum* i dont want to leave my home, my familiarity, the friends i've known forever (it seems) i dont want to have to face the responsibility, the possiblity of rejection from my dream college and my dream job, i don't like facing very real possibilities. it makes me nervous. also, what if morgan makes it into our dream college and i dont, or i do and she doesnt, what if i am forced to go alone? i don't want to be alone in NYU!!! there's no krispy kremes or ted drewes or Imo's...no free zoos, science centers, skate rinks, ferris wheels...its too far, everything costs money there...St Louis/Ste. Genevieve has been great. i dont want to have to leave and go to a new place and start all over again.

im sunburnt and not happy....:(
i need a hug :'( 

i feel happy today. i just got into my moommy's classroom where all her little science club nerds are...i like em...they're hilarious and fight over the table saws. we had a 'mock assembly' today. our secretary in the office is a little screwed up...so instead of say 'mock accident' she said 'mock assembly'. the accident was stupid. it looked like the cars had been in minor fender benders but all the windows in the cars were busted out and the students in both cars were 'dead'. they were supposed to be pretending to be dead, but were instead sharing lipgloss and talking to one another. and in thanks for their great acting, they get to go to the community center and miss lots of school. then a helicopter came in, landed on the football field and was asked to get off of it. our school is very protective of its football field. coach stolzer almost cried i do believe ;) then an ambulance came and a fire truck. for no reason. i think they were talking about death and drinking and driving but they honestly sounded like the adults from those charlie brown movies (wah wah wah wawawah) because they were on a megaphone. and we could hear nothing. so basically i was bored for an hour and a half after being made to get out of the nice shade on the hill and stand in the sun where my friends played team go fish (we invented it in biology) and i stood with alex ^_^ he makes my day happy...oh! and poked katie jo's boob! double happiness! :)
but now i guess i'm getting ready to go home, science thingy is done...oh! and i may be moving to a new city...dunno where yet, but if i dont then i get to be editor in chief of the school newspaper *happy dance* okay....i'll leave now! ^_^

im in a crabby mood.....dunno why. play practice was crap, it was hot, the seniors are never going to leave me alone...it's funny sometimes, but others i'd like to be left alone....and MAP *shudder*

xavier is a bastard and he stole my computer

what is true happiness? some might say money and become all materialistic, and that may be true. for them. some may say meditation, shopping, or anything. it varies so much. i believe i found it today...i pawned my brother off on someone else, my family is gone, i have a puppy in my arms, music on, a guy who likes me, and i feel at peace. i feel the most happy generally alone. when i'm around too many people i begin to feel left out, like where do i fit in around this specific group of people, that's one reason why when i date or go somewhere with friends i allow them to be with who they want to be, i dont like to suffocate people or make them feel uncomfortable. i feel lonely sometimes, but it's better than over crowded.  there's specifically 2 people i can stand to be around for extended periods of time: Alex (cuz i barely ever see him anyway) and Morgan (because she's Morgan)
but as of now i am content and i am going to stay this way as long as possible....it doesnt come often

*singing happily* i'm sooooo happy!!!! sometimes i feel bad and crappy......and then i go to play practice and i am happy!! ^_^ my life is going okay...but i finally have a boyfriend who.......yes, i'll admit it....i love him...to some people that is no big deal, but i stopped believing that love could exist in a society such as our a while back, but i'm a believer now....but neway i have a boyfriend and i'm moving....CRAP! so i get to move to some place some where ( i dunno where yet) and i like him lots and i'm gonna miss my friends and probably have to go to a catholic school (because their education is the best *sarcasm*) i'll be moved all over again! i hate having to make new friends, so ya know what??? i'm not gonna. i'm going to be a social reject and get myself a playstation...and i will love it and then i'll get a car and visit everyone in ste. gen a boonch so i won't need friends! scha man! take that Mr. Boyd!!!!!!! he thought he could outsmart me...pompous ass who fires people for no reason *saddistic laff* okay....coming down now....
i took my sister and her friend jamie for a ride through the cemetary (for the heck of it) and we screamed through the whole thing. entertainment. dead people. together...hurrah. okay now i'm tired from ranting. yet i have the strangest urge to speak as if i were an old british woman...an old british woman with bunions who might be a transvestite...like tim curry...yeah...tim...

do i bore any of yall? <---(hee, i said ya'll doncha know)
okay, i'll go now and leave you be.... I LOVE YOU ALL!!! AND YOU ODD PERSON WHO LEAVES ME WEIRD NOTES AND I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!! *and i love you too*

i've been thinking.....i dont like xavier anymore...he's a biznitch..........................................the only problem is feel like a whore because i already like a new guy...other problem is that this guy just broke up with his girlfriend who also happens to be one of my best friends........but i really like him, but i think so does every girl because he is so adorable, sweet, funny, and intelligent. but i have to go because my sister is bitching at me because she's a stupid shithead....and a tattle tale too

don't you hate people who get all caught up in something for no reason?? for you american kids (or foreign ones who know what i mean) who have seen napoleon dynamite, you now realize that when a person says 'your mom' you either say it back or laugh, right? well some english chick got her knickers all in a twist and it pisses me off. i mean, i was nice to her, and i joked around, and then she had the nerve to put her stupid little preppy 'kiss my ass' sign in my guestbook...i need to make one that says go fuck yourself!!!!! i normally dont get this worked up over things, but my life was getting better...i was making more and more friends, people are being nicer, my self esteem was rising and then what happened?? a blonde, british bitch comes along and when i joke around with her she gets pissy. well if she lived around here, all i'd have to say is anytime, any place, because i'm tired of the blonde, beautiful people getting everything and people like me are shoved into corners and shit on...so while this may seem like empty threats, i don't care!!!! my shrink canceled on me, my medication is upped, so thank you [no1 sexy boy]...you can go fuck me dad!!!

this is the most boring sunday in history...i'm watching big business and doing this and listening to simon & garfunkel...i should be doing my world history for the rat bastard's class...but oh well...maybe later. THE GRAMMY'S ARE ON TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! i love music...don't you? most people believe that i'm gothic so they see me as listening to some sort of dark screaming bands...but in all truthfulness, i love all music, jazz, blues, classical...just i respect country and rap/hip hop, but i don't listen to it. but honestly, you have to respect what some rappers have gone through, like tupac, eminem went through some tough crap, stuff like that was hard on some rappers...country singers....well....i dunno, their mothers ran away with plumbers and they became alkies...sure. but okie dokie smokie...I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!! stupid groundhog said 6 more weeks of winter...i say fuck that! summer is coming, there's only about 3 months of school left...i should start counting down!

hello....................................*silence*
does anyone ever read these fer real? oh well. MR. TONEY WILL DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH, RAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wrote my little paragraph thingy nine times (it was a very big paragraph by the way) and suddenly he tells the whole class we didn't have to! i don't know why this bothered me...could it be because he thought it was funny? or that he only takes participation points on his shit anyway? or could it be that not even the MAP test goes this in depth and i havent slept in 3 weeks and i have given up anything caffinated so i'm pissed a bit...? could any of these be the reasons??????????????????????????????jerk.
guess whose hot????? fuckin xavier, scha. i dunno why cuz he's a bastardo with a weird new haircut, but he's intelligent, i like smart guys! i would like pat, but there's no chance there, so i choose to ignore his penis! woohoo for ignoring penises. speaking of peni (plural for penis) have you ever noticed that if you do not own a penis (dettachable or otherwise) it seems like you do not get respect? it does to me...fuckers with penises....

hello little ones! i would just like to talk this time to tell everyone to take a deep breath, step back from the world, and SCREAM LIKE A FRICKIN BANSHEE!! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA!! then i'd like you to not blame me for the mono you have recently gained ^_^ (sorry rachel!) 
okay, how have ya'll (hehe...ya'll) been? i've been okay, except i'm aboot to stab a few people in the brain cuz they're ticking me off!! (stoppit) i've been researching my dream job (spin magazine journalist, rock it beeznatch) and cheese and rice got all muddy (jesus christ god almighty, clever eh?) they want so much stuff! they want 2-3 published works just to be an intern! i wanna cry...but i've recently learned that journalists make more money than teachers, so i'm okie dokie smokey (sorta) have you ever noticed how my brain jumps from one subject to the next? like all my parenthesis, they exist because i have these likkle side thoughts in my head...just appear there, dunno why...OMG!!! GUESS WHO GETS THEIR FIRST PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! ME! *screams like banshee* we were gonna name him Kermit the dog (my idea *receives cornball queen award*) but then my siblings didnt like it...they wanted ned or frances...mom said something foreign...so yours truly came up with fez....ya, that cute foreign kid is gonna be my doggie...FEZ, DUKE OF FERDINAND KIMBALL (is it safe to put my last name?) i dunno, oh well, tata!!

hey, i have depressing news....dani has mono...i have no clue how i got it but i had blood taken at the horspital and apparently it's in the beginning stages. so i'm sitting at home watching good will hunting. i have the best movie!! it is my new favorite it's called Billy Elliot, i recommend that everyone see it! my friends would love it as it has to do with ballet, gay men, cross dressing, and a whole lotta british people!
but i have a serious prob...i feel worthless! on deviant art i was so happy to be there and when i posted my first picture i felt even better. but when i look at other people's art and even just their pictures...i feel so terrible and ugly. one person i found here on elftown was one of the most beautiful people i have ever seen...plus she could draw amazing art, and it's the same on deviant art. these people are so beautiful and are the subjects of their own art...i just wish i could do that. i'm on my home page and everytime i look at it i'm horrified. 'what will people think, oh i look terrible, will people get it' is all that runs through my mind. then of course i have the really great friends who say 'dani, you're a sexy beast' or 'i think you're adorable' but i hate to say that while, yes, for a minute i'm happy, i feel beautiful, but then i have to look in a mirror or at a picture and there i am again. my body is so different from my friends, i'm the DUFF, the designated ugly fat friend. i'm not as pretty as them, i'm not as talented, i'm afraid to let my true and complete personality show because if i do, i may lose friends or open myself up for criticism. i have to watch everything i say...so many things can go wrong if i just say 'i had a hard time finding any pants'...automatically several people think it's because i'm too fat, or if i say i wish i could have a boyfriend, people think it's because i'm ugly. i have nothing...i'm so afraid that people dont like me, sometimes i feel like my family doesnt even like me (well, duh) but i hate this. people will now say, awww, dani, i love you! after they read this....and once again, i'll feel loved and beautiful for a second, then i'll have to look in a mirror and wait to get yelled at...then all my good feelings will be gone.

hi.........hee.........i'm home alone...i feel paranoid, i swear to god there's a guy behind the christmas tree....i wish he'd leave.....
i'm hungry. but there's nothing in our house.poo.
i have a few questions, querries, posers for you..
-Have you ever felt like you'd like to stab yourself just to see what it's like?
-have you ever stabbed a chicken (already dead) to see what it's like?
-have you ever crocheted or knit?
-have you ever found bugs bunny attractive when he puts on a dress and pretends to be a girl bunny?
good...me neither.
okay.................bye

merry christmas ya'll <--- ewwwww i said ya'll

i got the coolest butt stuff ever!!! from me gramma and grampa i got duff shoes, two shirts, a book on drawing things, candy, socks, and a $75 gift card to westfield shoppingtown.
from my mommy i went on a scavenger hunt to find my presents: i got a squishee pillow (it's pink! yessssss! i'm such a pink person, i'm joking i love it) i got a shirt that says 'i'm coolest than almost everyone here' (you'd have to know me to realize how sarcastic that is) i got lots o candy, a floofy scarf, and A NEATO CHEETO CAMERA! SHA! it's awesome, it's one of the cool ones with all the focus and professional stuff! me sooooo happy!
then from my grampa bob (from way up north, doncha know) i got $20 and dani's goin shoppin!

merry christmas, hannukah, kwanza, whatever!!! yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! *runs to take pictures of whatever dares to move*

omigosh......im in love

i want to screw xavier and i dont know why....he's really prude, and i dunno why i consider that love, im only 15/16 y.o. and love doesnt exist that early

pat is being a butthead <---3rd grade word yay!
christian is being scary! yay!
im being scary! yay!
xavier is psychotic! kinky!

seriously......what would it be like to screw a psychotic person.................................................................................either it'd be very kinky or they'd stab you in the middle for looking at them :
*you give psycho bedroom eyes*
p-what? what is it.....it's HIM isnt it? i told him to leave me be....
you- no, what? there's no one, honestly
p-who were you looking at?
you-no one! now come over here and lay down.....
*psycho comes and lays on the bed, you begin to kiss and he is looking frantically over your shoulder the whole time*
you-take your shirt off
p- why? so HE can have a direct target to my heart? NEVER!!!
*you eventually coax him to undress as do you and you lay under the covers together*
you-*sexy voice* are we comfortable
p-no....i feel like.....like.....like someone wants to SELL ME SOMETHING!!!!!
you-no....
p-damn girlscouts!!! I HATE THEM!!!
*getting wildly kinky, taking anger out on you sexually*
you-oh yeah!!!!
p-what? he's coming
you-*sexual humor* i'll say he is
p-i knew it!!! you bitch! you're conspiring against me!!!!
you-no i'm not, come back down here!
p-no! not again! i should've known the one i love would want to kill me!!!!
you-you l-l-love me???? awwwwwww-
p-*not paying attention to special moment like women do* i'm leaving!!!!
*wraps sheet around himself and runs out the window onto the fire escape and his screams echo around the buildings of your neighborhood.
you-damn it!!
*man pops up from underneath the bed*
HE-i knew he was onto us!!!
you-i tried to get you into bed with us!
HE-seriously is a threesome too much too ask????
you-don't worry, you'll find someone....

oh yeah.....im psycho.....i'd like to have anger taken out on my sexually!!! i'd be the best damn psychiatrist ever!

hey all! not y'all... here lately bunches of my friends are getting depressed/annoying. in gifted i think mrs. cooper dreads our hour because of all the squeals that occur whenever the slightest thing is said...i hate the high-pitched frequencies...love my friends hate the frequency. then one of my friends (whom i still love very very very much!!!!) is getting so depressed? and she said that people are mad at her for changing, or they say she has...well, yes she's changed quite a bit! she used to make me say fudge instead of fuck, or beachball instead of bitch...i liked that version. she only reminded me of candy, bunnies, and rainbows...now i am rather disappointed, yes, why? because i'd rather have cluelessly cute than depressed and out of focus. then, i'm tired. nobody cares...in journalism all i hear is 'well i'm the editor, or well i've been doing this this this, i have to care for all of you' and my mom has resigned from her teaching position so she's so fucking depressed all the time!! if i joke or she does she starts on 'yeah, you all arent used to jokes from me are you?' or 'i have the worst kids, i dont know anyone as bad as you!' and that's not supposed to give me a complex???? i still want to go to NYU, but they except the best, and i have an F in science and in geometry! like christian said, i'll apply to every major city college in the US, through in Mizzou for good measure and only make it to Mizzou; right next to home.
last night i began listening to the radio...wasnt particularly happy...or sad, you know, just being, and Enter Sandman by Metallica came on and i began to bawl....dont know why! i love that song, but i just began to cry so hard i couldnt stop. when i told my friends, they laughed...haha dani's psycho  but i'm seriously beginning to think something's wrong with me. my shrink hasnt helped, if anything she only makes me nervous or feel bad, if i wanted that i'd just spill my guts to my mom; something i havent been able to do since i was in middle school.  
    imagine this (my mother said this):
  danielle, just to let you know, whenever you talk, usually i just zone out and dont listen.

and she really does. i'll say something important she needs to know, and when the time comes she'll say 'that never was said' and if i say i did she'll say 'well i can never tell what you say, you talk too much!' blaming it on me.
i tell you, this is the most i've said about myself here lately at all. i hate being worried about the world, because i am. i'm worried that morgan will be emotionally scarred if i say anything annoys me about her, i'm afraid i might make rachel cry, i'm afraid brittany hall will never get a good job, i'm afraid pat is going to be stuck in ste. gen forever!! hell, i'm worried mr. taylor will be convicted of sexual assault to a minor!!!! i want to worry about myself....but i cant. 
     here's something else:i've worried about myself. i've been having suicidal thoughts lately. something i havent had in a long time. i've cut myself before; i have scars, but now i seriously want to hurt myself...if nothing else to see how long it would take anyone to notice. because honestly, i feel like i'm invisible sometimes. my friends are becoming closer with eachother, but i feel like i'm being squeezed to the outside...my grades are getting worse....i'm madly in love with Xavier, but i'm afraid to ask him out....i cant sleep....my mom hates life and takes it out on me
                  i want to die.