i had a really long entry of me crying and whining and being nostalgic. but elftown logged me off so it disappeared. so now i'm just pissed.

Best Quotes from Actual People I Know...Mostly from Notre Dame:

"I used to think swastikas were pretty...I still do, so sometimes I draw them on my notes." -Caroline

"Whoa...so this one time I swear I had crack on my pancakes, I swear to God! Cuz, like, I ate 'em, then, like, I swear I was insane, I swear!" -Jack
"You swear? Up down and all around swear??" -Mr. Koehler
"What? Oh, yeah! All over the place! A swear here, a swear there!"-Jack
"Okay, but do you swur?"-Me
"What? No! I'm not black...but I hope to be one day...did I tell you about the pancakes???" -Jack

"Our father, fat jeans, police cars, popopopopopopoopypants, pledge allegience, blahmasnagamah...." -Me and Jack praying.

"Did you know that if you burn ferns it smells like weed?" -Mr. Koehler

"Guess what!?! Guess what, guess what!??!" *jumping up and down* "I have AADD! Adult...uh..attention..deficit..dis..order! yeah!!! I got that crap!" -Mr. Vollink
"Tuck your shirt in Mr. Vollink!!"-Brother David
"You gotta catch me first!!!"-Vollink as he sprints down the hallway.

*Door to chemistry slams open and Vollink skids in*
"Wait...this isn't my classroom."
"Okay."-Mrs. Schaefer.
"Hey, can I stay awhile?"-Vollink
"Uh..sure."-Schaefer.
*After a few minutes of sitting in class*
"OH CRAP! I have a class this hour!" -Vollink as he runs out of the classroom.

"You are all my brothers and sister...just like it is in Kelso." - Brother David making incest jokes at an assembly.

What am I supposed to do? Sit around here, waiting? I can't go unless I get a job, well, I'm trying. I am. And you don't notice it. I starve myself and you don't notice. I come home with ice cream for myself and your bags of white castle and all that you say is "what about us". What about you? You eat all the time, you all have been drinking my diet soda and my water, even though that's all I ever drink! Then, the one thing no one has to get onto me about...college. You yell at me because I want to go to NYU or the west coast...you tell me to look at the midwest...Idaho, Ohio, Iowa, Missouri...who the hell wants to go to these places? Missouri sucks you in! And excuse me for being honest with you! You lived in many other states...and what happened? You came back. If I come back it's to visit and to get my boyfriend. Oh, yeah, by the way...I had no excuse to be upset or crabby? Whatever, you have your zoloft and other various happy pills, take one. You said that Alex could stay another night, and I was so happy! I don't get to see anyone that often, and I finally get to see Alex...then you change your mind at midnight. Nice. So, yeah, I was crabby. I woke up alone, at 2pm, my homework took 10 minutes, you made me go get you all kinds of crap, and then you accused me (again) of stealing your money for gas. I didn't get to wake up anywhere near the person I love. Instead, I'm freezing in a room that's empty. So, please. Stop saying that you're not enjoying this move any better than I am, okay? Because guess what? You didn't leave your best friends, you didn't leave your boyfriend, you didn't leave an awesome new position in your class that's also your dream career. You moved here, where you've wanted to move back to since we moved to Ste. Gen, you now get to see your best friend constantly, and you're happy. I know you are. Don't lie just so that you can boohoo back at me.

i'm so proud of myself. i'm not sad about what i'm doing. i love this...i only get angry with myself ever so often...but i'm doing well...if you can say that. i'm confused...i'm kind of afraid, but i like every minute of it...the pain, the aches, the moments of triumph, the feeling sick to my stomach, being up at 5am, seeing every sunrise and sunset. and i'm doing it for all of you.

Is this wrong? Everytime I start to feel happy, I think 'Finally! I deserve to be happy!' Is that bad? To have so much pity for one's own self? When I talk on the phone to the 2-3 people that have time for me they're all "oh, i miss you, this sucks, i'm so sad without you..." is it bad that i don't believe them half the time? Granted, I'm not in a pit of loneliness, I've been invited to parties, I have friends, and I have things to keep me busy...but these friends here are so...I don't know how to put it...like hugs to these kids mean pats on the back from arms length away. then all my old friends are going on about what's going on...so I get to miss Rachel and Xavier...I had no idea about Chris and Abby...what's going on with Morgan and Nicole...my Mirandama sounds lonely...I miss seeing Aubrey's figure...I miss Alex. I'm wallowing in self pity. It's not fair!!!!!
I get moved to Cape (again) I have to go to a Catholic school (again) I'm failing French, I need 80 service hours to graduate...I have none. I feel like an outsider. I live in a shit house. I was almost raped and my brother was mugged. Everyone at Notre Dame is small, cutsie, and athletic...who can blame me if I feel like skipping a meal??? You all are accepted for who you are! I'm still me! Everyone at Notre Dame seems to be afraid of me...oh no, i came from a public school, i have a tattoo, i do donuts in a mini van as i listen to (actual) punk music! oh my buddha, i'm such a badass! everyone stare from a distance!!! *sighs* I don't know what put me in such a mood. I always read diaries...so many people had 'boohoo..i only get to see my boyfriend after school and before...i can only stay on the phone till midnight...my internet was gone...i feel fat...BLAH FRICKIN BLAH!!!! i'm not saying that my problems are any worse...but I get to see my boyfriend once or twice every 3 weeks (if I'm lucky) I usually have to get off the phone at 9-9:30, i just got internet and cable, i feel fat all the time so i'm doing something about it (P.S. if you're gonna get mad if I lose weight, screw you! you have the perfect little body, as you always remind me...you don't know what this is like) so whatever!!! my sister is a nazi! my mom is crazy! i have ADD, anxiety disorder, and i rarely get 4 full hours of sleep. i'm going to rant and rave! it's the mood i'm in!

LIST:
1. Get a few new books...I have been reading the same books for several years.
2. Get new pants...none of mine fit anymore.
3. Get new bra...don't fit. NO MY BOOBS HAVE NOT GOTTEN SMALLER!
4. Teach Asa to play hackey sack.
5. Not be afraid of food.

hi. i'm alive. it's da coolest. wee mee.
     been up in the morning at 5 to jog...and i jog again around 7 or 8...i'm turning into a weird health freak...but i'm also still the same me! ^_^

I don't need it. I've been saying it all along. I've done just fine without it. I'm not going to die or anything (at least not yet.) It can't control me...I'm stronger. I dare anyone to get in my way. I will kill you. I will kill it. Just let me go without it a while...okay? Stop yelling at me! I know what I'm doing! I'm not stupid! My music is this loud so you don't hear it, which is a stupid thing to say because you don't listen anyway! What are you going to do about it anyway? Nobody else could help, and I've never really listened to you anyway. Why should I? What have you ever done? This...this what I'm doing is almost Holy. It gives me a thrill like I've never had before. I can see better, do more things without it in the way. So stop nagging me. I can control myself, okay?

why do i feel like this? i'll get to see him in at most 2 weeks...but i feel like that's forever.
i can't sleep anymore
i can't eat anymore (which is cool...i've lost weight)
but i'm so distracted...this is worse than ADD...
i told jason all that and he laughed and said "cause you miss your boyfriend?"
i nodded. "a lot."
"well it's not ADD...it's love."
at first i was shocked by what he said because normally he makes fun of ashley's boyfriend's name, or he's shouting random word's, or berating white castle. then he redeemed himself from his moment of honesty and sang whitney houston's "i will always love you."
at SEMSPA today i was so excited! i was looking forward to seeing everyone and getting hugs, etc. but for some reason i found myself searching for alex. why? he's not in journalism.
but i don't know.
i look for him everywhere.
i went to the comic book store here in town and found myself searching through comics looking for ones he'd like, then the door opened and i'd hope to see him. even though i know it's impossible.
i'll be in the hall at school digging in my locker and not paying attention and someone grabs the back of my shirt and pulls me back to them and calls me baby and for one moment i think it's alex. but usually it's jason or zach.
i feel mean. i miss everyone else...but not as much as him. i want to be with him always.
i see curly blonde hair and i think of him.
i hear guitar music and i think of him.
i'm in dance class, i hear zoot suit riot and i think of him.
i found a violent femmes record. i thought of him.
someone hugs me.
someone calls me danielle instead of dani.
i see an add for taco bell.
i see an add for chicken noodle soup.
i watch any movie.
my phone rings.
i have a message on elftown.
i read a book.
i'm in barnes and noble.
i'm eating at the kitchen table.
i scratch anything.
when i'm playing with my tongue.
when i'm listening to music.
when i'm in shivelbines.
when i'm reading chuck palahniuk.
someone asks if i have a boyfriend.
someone asks it i'm a lesbian.
everytime i paint.
everytime i doodle/boobie.
everytime i say "what?" "g-reat" and "funderful".
when someone laughs like a stoneer.
when i see braun.
                     i need to see you
   really bad
everytime i think i could grow to like notre dame i stop and think...i want to graduate with people i love.
  i love you.
i love all of you!
                somebody needs to talk to me
  i'm going crazy
             halloween is too far away
   i can't stop thinking of you!!!!!!!!

i miss you so much...i love you so much...

Do you know why we clink glasses at toasts? It's because when you drink wine you appeal to 4 senses: Taste-of wine Sight-you see it Smell-you smell the wine Touch-you touch the glass it is in. But there's no sound...so we clink glasses to fill in the fifth missing sense.           

          TONIGHT I AM SELFISH
     Tonight I shall toast to myself. Not my
     friends, not these Notre Dame children, not
   my family, but myself. To changes. I need some
 changes. I need to stop trying to impress people. I
need to do what feels right to me, what makes me feel the
most comfortable. If it's going to school without doing my hair...fine. If it's wearing green eyeshadow...fine.If it's
dying my hair...poo on dresscode. I'm dyin' it. If it just
so happens to be ignoring everyone, fine. To not eat at all
one day, fine. But here are a few things I'm changing as of
my last soda...which I began to drink at the beginning of my
              odd rant. 
   MY LIST OF CHANGING THINGS...AS OF 350 mL FROM NOW:
1.) I'm going to study a lot more. Nothing below a C-.
2.) Who cares what Dana Wozniak thinks? I'm going to laugh when I want, at who/what I want, cuss if I want, and if I want to sneer at her, I will no longer resist it. I'll do it.
3.) I'll stop worrying about the future. Think about now.
4.) HEY!!! KIDS FROM MY OLD CLASS!!! *waves arms* YA! I'M GONNA BECOME MORE ACCQUAINTED WITH GOD, MKAY? Sure...it'll be in conversations whenever, maybe I'll light incense in my backyard and just sit in a chair...but it'll be my prayer, I've been MIA for awhile.
5.) I'll be nicer to my family. Even to Emma.
6.) I'll try to stop saying 'totally' and 'like'.
7.) No more soda. (<---BIG DEAL!)
8.) I won't speed through town just cuz I can.
9.) I'll eat more fruits and veggies...I like fruits and veggies.
10.) I'll bake my chicken instead of fry it.
11.) *sighs* NO MORE FAST FOOD. (pizza doesn't count, I compromised with myself over the soda thing.)
12.) I'm gonna quit smoking.
13.) I'll stop purposely trying to make Alex jealous. (I'm so sorry...I wanted to know if you'd care enough about me to make me stop)
14.) No inappropriate noises on the telephone or into voice mails.
15.) I'll listen to music nonstop. (Ha...already do!)
             Amen.
   So here I go world...you who read this. I'm going.
 You may support me or tell me to stop...but get in my way
and I will be upset. I've said nothing so far about my temper. So here's to sugarless gum, tangerine hair, kisses
 with a bit of nibbling, and to babies named Gwendolyn.
              FIN.

i said something today that i never thought i would say. ever.
i never used to image being like this...i always thought i'd be alone. forever. i never thought i'd be like this. ever.
i love you so much
i won't make you be catholic

i really can't tell you why, because i'm not sure why. 
i don't feel good. i don't want to be here. but if i was there, soon, i'd be wishing i wasn't there. perfect human nature...unsatisfactory even once we get what we're wanting. like take the fact that i'm at notre dame. wheni went to st. mary's back in 3-5 grade, i wanted nothing more than to attend notre dame and to have a monk as a principal. then i moved to ste. gen and i was angry...i did not want to go to a public school!! no way did i want to be around cursing kids, girls in too much make up and hairspray and really stupid guys. then i moved here. and i wanted to be back in ste. gen. then i liked it. and today at the assembly, surrounded by girls reapplying makeup, the smell of a salon surrounding me, the boys messing with the dwarf in our class, mitchell...and i realized. it's the same. it'll never end. this sucks. all these people are interested in is my tattoo, my boyfriend's hair, my hair, and how many times i've made out with someone. sad. they see me and my old school as really different from them...i see them as the same.

WOOO!!!! WHO HAS INTERNET? ME! THAT'S WHO!!

so i'm in a cathoholic school, where surprisingly people aren't very cathoholicy. everyone is in fact very similar to the people at ste. gen except a) they aren't making out everywhere, they're discrete about relationships b) the cursing is more violent and c) everyone is nice to everyone. period. now i have to admit...when i went to the ste. gen football game on friday i had a moment of horror when i saw christine paige and tori sanderson zoomin aboot in their little girly mobile. it pained my heart so much in fact that i had to run away with my dearest rachel and kaitie jo. and we went and drank pie. yes. pie.
   JESUS WORE BIRKENSTOCKS!!!
 you know on those tv shows or movies about jesus, everyone wore a certain kind of sandal?...well at notre dame, we're not allowed to wear flip flops, so everyone wears jesus sandals...aka birkenstocks. whoa. those flippin shoes are like, $100...i thought jesus was poor!  
   Bro Dave is keeping it real, me and my penguin slices sucking up the muffinage at the dig time....
          -Jack Wedemier about lunch
  uh...yeah...bye.

Okay...i have to admit. it's fun. i mean some days it totally sucks...i don't like walking to my classes, i don't like being snubbed, and i don't like my g.d. uniform!!! but...people have started talking to me (gasp!) actual talking, not just "hi, my name's stacy..." i attended the first prep ralley of the year. for my friends...i think ste. gen is more school spirited than notre dame. i'm once again in the class that just sits. no jumping up and cheering. though we did dance to the cake and ice cream song. it was awful. 
but come on...who wouldn't like a school where if you're good for an hour in church you get a no uniform day, half a day of school, and possibly one day soon, a complete day off school. just for being respectful. who wouldn't like that?? 
Dick is cool...i have to stop calling him Dick. He's friends with Alex who is also nice. and quiet. and similar to travis folkerts.
Stacy, Tracy, Barbie. enough said.
Jackie, Farrah (farrar), alicia, dana, allison, and ashley are the nicest people. they've taken me in.
Laura-just plain nice.
Abe, Zach, Zach, Asa, Ryan, Jack....etc. hilarious. they like mah tattoo. they also have bright blonde hair. it's a soccer thing
mrs. seabaugh feeds me! ^_^
it's not bad. unfortunately...I WON'T BE HERE NEXT YEAR!! mah!! i've made up my mind. if i'm unhappy here, my grades will drop. but if i go to ste. gen...oh ya! fun for me!! grad-giatin' with my bestest friends!!!

TO DO LIST:

*fall in love all over again

*get one last first kiss

*stop calling Dick Dick

*keep up with the homework

*prove my teachers wrong, show them public school education is just as good as private

*use the times of prayer when i get them in class, pray for a certain soul that i hope is in heaven

*dance on friday nights at midnight alone to techno club music with the strobe light

*learn to curl my hair

*learn to straighten my hair

*stop using so much pink eyeshadow

*learn to blow really big bubbles with strawberry gum

*learn to like watermelon

*grow my nails really long

*stop biting my lips

*talk to the people around me with actual conversation instead of sarcastic remarks

*show abe my tattoo as much as he wants

*get better at math

*sit in barnes and noble and read children's books

*educate my brother and sister on the real punk and real rock

*maybe teach their friends too

*get the brake light on the car to go off

*get braun to stay in cape so someone can come visit me

*get a job

*not wear so much eyeliner

*go walking at dawn

To: Mommy in the sense of why do you love me? Do you even love me? I'm not your baby anymore.


"Why do you love me"

I´m no barbie doll
I´m not your baby girl
so I´ve done ugly things and I have made mistakes
and I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they´re to be believed
so what if I´m no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud

why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me

you´re not some baby boy
why you acting so surprised
you´re sick of all the rules
well I´m sick of all your lies
now I´ve held back a wealth of shit I think I´m gonna choke
I´m standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don´t feel good?
that nothing ever came from nothing man
oh man ain´t that the truth

why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

I think you´re sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but i think that I´m right
and you´ve still got the most beautiful face
it just makes me sad most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
I do it again
I do it again
I do it again

why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me

i can't wait! school's about to start and i'm so excited because it means that time is actually moving!! i'm moving towards the end of the year! soon i will be back home...my real home for things like homecoming, football, halloween where i am taking people around to trick or treat, then it'll be thanksgiving and i'll see my family who'll shake their heads at me saying "do you know how much pain you cause your mother?" and in the same breath "we're proud of you! keep your dreams afloat!" and "when do we get to meet alex?" then christmas where i'll be finding presents for all my friends at home and possibly distribute them personally. then it'll be 2006, one year till i graduate. my resolution will be to not have a resolution. then i'll be forced to endure another valentine's day boyfriendless and my entire day will be spent thinking of him. then i'll turn 17 and i'll wait for st. patrick's day where i'll hand out shamrock's. then it'll be prom. where i can't take any of my true friends because they're against dress code. then it'll be the end of the year. and i'll have to decide. 
  do i want to do something for myself, to make myself happy, continue the dream i've had since 9th grade...
  or do i want to do something for my mom. remain her 'little girl' for one more year.
 
 i'm always thinking of the future...and for the first time my future is blurred past this moment.

i just want a friend. here. one that's over the age of 15. is always near me. someone who'll come over when i call crying my eyes out because i'm grounded from seeing the love of my life again. who brings me a coke or coffee, who'll accompany me to barnes and noble, stay hours with me without saying "i'm bored". someone who'll go into hollister and talk to mannequins, then turn to a worker and say "i'm sorry! you look so much alike!" someone who'll spend the night in my tent and make loud noises to annoy my sister. who'll help me stick post it notes to all my sister's stuff that say mean things about school...who'll help me get back at the jerks who tell on me. i just want to talk to someone, who can simultaniously hug me.

Alrighty now...in a few short weeks I'll be beginning another set of high school drama. But hey, now I guess I can start all over. I can be either extremely quiet (for the mysterious thing) and every time I talk I say something sarcastic or evil, and people's only response is..."whoa, she spoke!" Or I can be the bubbly optimistic type, always happy, spreading optimism to my fellow uniformed students. Or I can simply be weird...you know the movie 'Saved'? I can be the Jewish girl. Without the Jewish-ness. Or...(scary music for all my friends who know me)...I can be a cheerleader again. *Hysterical laughter* SHUT UP, MAN! Or I can simply be the stoneer. Everybody loves them. 
 I have to admit, I'm afraid. I've seen some of the people I'll be going to school with, but I feel so different. Brother David (Bro Dave) says my class is "Lovely...I'm quite prejudice to them, and they know it, that's not a good thing!" What if he doesn't think I'm lovely? What if people are so tight in their own bonds of friendship that they've formed since kindergarten, that they don't want to open up to me? They seem nice enough, but honestly...who wants to waste time on me...I'm really quite odd. 
 Plus, I'm really sorry to you. And you know who you are. I feel really bad, I'm sorry I'm not grown up, or mature. I didn't mean to do what I did...HONESTLY. I know you won't believe me, but I'm used to that. 
 Also, I feel like I've let one of my friends down, because she learned something about me she didn't know. I'm sorry babe. I've stopped. 
 Please, people in Ste. Gen...don't forget me!!! Please don't stop talking to me...and for you certain slackers...GET YOUR LICENSES!!! (mwah!) Please come visit me...I'll give you a cookie.