what i do to make myself feel better:
i open my windows and let the october air pour in...i put in music and dance like an idiot.
i've decided i'm going to be like when i was little...when i had no worries. when i'd wear a polkadot skirt and striped socks, not worrying about matching or looking girly. about now i'd be at my grandparent's big yellow house, jumping off the homemade swing into a pile of golden leaves. my cousin would be around...maybe playing with the dogs...maybe waiting to jump off the swing...but we were all there. no adult problems. all kinds of futures awaited us. austin could barely walk. no one could tell jeff and mitchell apart. joe and emma wanted to be married. hannah, chas, lindsay, and i were crammed into photo frames, noses red our eyes smiling. the days had that special brightness that you only see in october, when the weather is getting nippy, leaves are golden, and halloween is right around the corner.
i'm going back to then. i don't need all these worries i have. zits, my boyfriend, cell phones, jobs, money, sex, and whether my friends are mad at me. i'll go back to worrying about whether or not kelsey and i will watch ernest scared stupid or gremlins on halloween night when we have our annual halloween get together. i'll think about ramona quimby, getting a gold fish, and i'll use paper clips as earrings and rubber bands as diamond bracelets. And everything will be better.
Just like that.
You know what? Average people get crap!
Nerds get to become billionaires or become part of the Geek Squad and use jet packs.
Pretty/Popular people get famous, or get by in life on looks.
Average people have to actually work. That's crap. I hate being average! *rips up 'I Heart Average' shirt* HA! Bet you didn't even know I had that shirt!!!
i had a really long entry of me crying and whining and being nostalgic. but elftown logged me off so it disappeared. so now i'm just pissed.
Best Quotes from Actual People I Know...Mostly from Notre Dame:
"I used to think swastikas were pretty...I still do, so sometimes I draw them on my notes." -Caroline
"Whoa...so this one time I swear I had crack on my pancakes, I swear to God! Cuz, like, I ate 'em, then, like, I swear I was insane, I swear!" -Jack
"You swear? Up down and all around swear??" -Mr. Koehler
"What? Oh, yeah! All over the place! A swear here, a swear there!"-Jack
"Okay, but do you swur?"-Me
"What? No! I'm not black...but I hope to be one day...did I tell you about the pancakes???" -Jack
"Our father, fat jeans, police cars, popopopopopopo
"Did you know that if you burn ferns it smells like weed?" -Mr. Koehler
"Guess what!?! Guess what, guess what!??!" *jumping up and down* "I have AADD! Adult...uh..at
"Tuck your shirt in Mr. Vollink!!"-Bro
"You gotta catch me first!!!"-Voll
*Door to chemistry slams open and Vollink skids in*
"Wait...this isn't my classroom."
"Okay."-Mrs. Schaefer.
"Hey, can I stay awhile?"-Volli
"Uh..sure."-Sc
*After a few minutes of sitting in class*
"OH CRAP! I have a class this hour!" -Vollink as he runs out of the classroom.
"You are all my brothers and sister...just like it is in Kelso." - Brother David making incest jokes at an assembly.
What am I supposed to do? Sit around here, waiting? I can't go unless I get a job, well, I'm trying. I am. And you don't notice it. I starve myself and you don't notice. I come home with ice cream for myself and your bags of white castle and all that you say is "what about us". What about you? You eat all the time, you all have been drinking my diet soda and my water, even though that's all I ever drink! Then, the one thing no one has to get onto me about...colleg
i'm so proud of myself. i'm not sad about what i'm doing. i love this...i only get angry with myself ever so often...but i'm doing well...if you can say that. i'm confused...i'm kind of afraid, but i like every minute of it...the pain, the aches, the moments of triumph, the feeling sick to my stomach, being up at 5am, seeing every sunrise and sunset. and i'm doing it for all of you.
Is this wrong? Everytime I start to feel happy, I think 'Finally! I deserve to be happy!' Is that bad? To have so much pity for one's own self? When I talk on the phone to the 2-3 people that have time for me they're all "oh, i miss you, this sucks, i'm so sad without you..." is it bad that i don't believe them half the time? Granted, I'm not in a pit of loneliness, I've been invited to parties, I have friends, and I have things to keep me busy...but these friends here are so...I don't know how to put it...like hugs to these kids mean pats on the back from arms length away. then all my old friends are going on about what's going on...so I get to miss Rachel and Xavier...I had no idea about Chris and Abby...what's going on with Morgan and Nicole...my Mirandama sounds lonely...I miss seeing Aubrey's figure...I miss Alex. I'm wallowing in self pity. It's not fair!!!!!
I get moved to Cape (again) I have to go to a Catholic school (again) I'm failing French, I need 80 service hours to graduate...I have none. I feel like an outsider. I live in a shit house. I was almost raped and my brother was mugged. Everyone at Notre Dame is small, cutsie, and athletic...who can blame me if I feel like skipping a meal??? You all are accepted for who you are! I'm still me! Everyone at Notre Dame seems to be afraid of me...oh no, i came from a public school, i have a tattoo, i do donuts in a mini van as i listen to (actual) punk music! oh my buddha, i'm such a badass! everyone stare from a distance!!! *sighs* I don't know what put me in such a mood. I always read diaries...so many people had 'boohoo..i only get to see my boyfriend after school and before...i can only stay on the phone till midnight...my internet was gone...i feel fat...BLAH FRICKIN BLAH!!!! i'm not saying that my problems are any worse...but I get to see my boyfriend once or twice every 3 weeks (if I'm lucky) I usually have to get off the phone at 9-9:30, i just got internet and cable, i feel fat all the time so i'm doing something about it (P.S. if you're gonna get mad if I lose weight, screw you! you have the perfect little body, as you always remind me...you don't know what this is like) so whatever!!! my sister is a nazi! my mom is crazy! i have ADD, anxiety disorder, and i rarely get 4 full hours of sleep. i'm going to rant and rave! it's the mood i'm in!
LIST:
1. Get a few new books...I have been reading the same books for several years.
2. Get new pants...none of mine fit anymore.
3. Get new bra...don't fit. NO MY BOOBS HAVE NOT GOTTEN SMALLER!
4. Teach Asa to play hackey sack.
5. Not be afraid of food.
hi. i'm alive. it's da coolest. wee mee.
been up in the morning at 5 to jog...and i jog again around 7 or 8...i'm turning into a weird health freak...but i'm also still the same me! ^_^
I don't need it. I've been saying it all along. I've done just fine without it. I'm not going to die or anything (at least not yet.) It can't control me...I'm stronger. I dare anyone to get in my way. I will kill you. I will kill it. Just let me go without it a while...okay? Stop yelling at me! I know what I'm doing! I'm not stupid! My music is this loud so you don't hear it, which is a stupid thing to say because you don't listen anyway! What are you going to do about it anyway? Nobody else could help, and I've never really listened to you anyway. Why should I? What have you ever done? This...this what I'm doing is almost Holy. It gives me a thrill like I've never had before. I can see better, do more things without it in the way. So stop nagging me. I can control myself, okay?
why do i feel like this? i'll get to see him in at most 2 weeks...but i feel like that's forever.
i can't sleep anymore
i can't eat anymore (which is cool...i've lost weight)
but i'm so distracted...t
i told jason all that and he laughed and said "cause you miss your boyfriend?"
i nodded. "a lot."
"well it's not ADD...it's love."
at first i was shocked by what he said because normally he makes fun of ashley's boyfriend's name, or he's shouting random word's, or berating white castle. then he redeemed himself from his moment of honesty and sang whitney houston's "i will always love you."
at SEMSPA today i was so excited! i was looking forward to seeing everyone and getting hugs, etc. but for some reason i found myself searching for alex. why? he's not in journalism.
but i don't know.
i look for him everywhere.
i went to the comic book store here in town and found myself searching through comics looking for ones he'd like, then the door opened and i'd hope to see him. even though i know it's impossible.
i'll be in the hall at school digging in my locker and not paying attention and someone grabs the back of my shirt and pulls me back to them and calls me baby and for one moment i think it's alex. but usually it's jason or zach.
i feel mean. i miss everyone else...but not as much as him. i want to be with him always.
i see curly blonde hair and i think of him.
i hear guitar music and i think of him.
i'm in dance class, i hear zoot suit riot and i think of him.
i found a violent femmes record. i thought of him.
someone hugs me.
someone calls me danielle instead of dani.
i see an add for taco bell.
i see an add for chicken noodle soup.
i watch any movie.
my phone rings.
i have a message on elftown.
i read a book.
i'm in barnes and noble.
i'm eating at the kitchen table.
i scratch anything.
when i'm playing with my tongue.
when i'm listening to music.
when i'm in shivelbines.
when i'm reading chuck palahniuk.
someone asks if i have a boyfriend.
someone asks it i'm a lesbian.
everytime i paint.
everytime i doodle/boobie.
everytime i say "what?" "g-reat" and "funderful".
when someone laughs like a stoneer.
when i see braun.
i need to see you
really bad
everytime i think i could grow to like notre dame i stop and think...i want to graduate with people i love.
i love you.
i love all of you!
somebody needs to talk to me
i'm going crazy
halloween is too far away
i can't stop thinking of you!!!!!!!!
i miss you so much...i love you so much...
Do you know why we clink glasses at toasts? It's because when you drink wine you appeal to 4 senses: Taste-of wine Sight-you see it Smell-you smell the wine Touch-you touch the glass it is in. But there's no sound...so we clink glasses to fill in the fifth missing sense.
TONIGHT I AM SELFISH
Tonight I shall toast to myself. Not my
friends, not these Notre Dame children, not
my family, but myself. To changes. I need some
changes. I need to stop trying to impress people. I
need to do what feels right to me, what makes me feel the
most comfortable. If it's going to school without doing my hair...fine. If it's wearing green eyeshadow...fi
dying my hair...poo on dresscode. I'm dyin' it. If it just
so happens to be ignoring everyone, fine. To not eat at all
one day, fine. But here are a few things I'm changing as of
my last soda...which I began to drink at the beginning of my
odd rant.
MY LIST OF CHANGING THINGS...AS OF 350 mL FROM NOW:
1.) I'm going to study a lot more. Nothing below a C-.
2.) Who cares what Dana Wozniak thinks? I'm going to laugh when I want, at who/what I want, cuss if I want, and if I want to sneer at her, I will no longer resist it. I'll do it.
3.) I'll stop worrying about the future. Think about now.
4.) HEY!!! KIDS FROM MY OLD CLASS!!! *waves arms* YA! I'M GONNA BECOME MORE ACCQUAINTED WITH GOD, MKAY? Sure...it'll be in conversations whenever, maybe I'll light incense in my backyard and just sit in a chair...but it'll be my prayer, I've been MIA for awhile.
5.) I'll be nicer to my family. Even to Emma.
6.) I'll try to stop saying 'totally' and 'like'.
7.) No more soda. (<---BIG DEAL!)
8.) I won't speed through town just cuz I can.
9.) I'll eat more fruits and veggies...I like fruits and veggies.
10.) I'll bake my chicken instead of fry it.
11.) *sighs* NO MORE FAST FOOD. (pizza doesn't count, I compromised with myself over the soda thing.)
12.) I'm gonna quit smoking.
13.) I'll stop purposely trying to make Alex jealous. (I'm so sorry...I wanted to know if you'd care enough about me to make me stop)
14.) No inappropriate noises on the telephone or into voice mails.
15.) I'll listen to music nonstop. (Ha...already do!)
Amen.
So here I go world...you who read this. I'm going.
You may support me or tell me to stop...but get in my way
and I will be upset. I've said nothing so far about my temper. So here's to sugarless gum, tangerine hair, kisses
with a bit of nibbling, and to babies named Gwendolyn.
FIN.
i said something today that i never thought i would say. ever.
i never used to image being like this...i always thought i'd be alone. forever. i never thought i'd be like this. ever.
i love you so much
i won't make you be catholic
i really can't tell you why, because i'm not sure why.
i don't feel good. i don't want to be here. but if i was there, soon, i'd be wishing i wasn't there. perfect human nature...unsat
WOOO!!!! WHO HAS INTERNET? ME! THAT'S WHO!!
so i'm in a cathoholic school, where surprisingly people aren't very cathoholicy. everyone is in fact very similar to the people at ste. gen except a) they aren't making out everywhere, they're discrete about relationships b) the cursing is more violent and c) everyone is nice to everyone. period. now i have to admit...when i went to the ste. gen football game on friday i had a moment of horror when i saw christine paige and tori sanderson zoomin aboot in their little girly mobile. it pained my heart so much in fact that i had to run away with my dearest rachel and kaitie jo. and we went and drank pie. yes. pie.
JESUS WORE BIRKENSTOCKS!!
you know on those tv shows or movies about jesus, everyone wore a certain kind of sandal?...well at notre dame, we're not allowed to wear flip flops, so everyone wears jesus sandals...aka birkenstocks. whoa. those flippin shoes are like, $100...i thought jesus was poor!
Bro Dave is keeping it real, me and my penguin slices sucking up the muffinage at the dig time....
-Jack Wedemier about lunch
uh...yeah...by
Okay...i have to admit. it's fun. i mean some days it totally sucks...i don't like walking to my classes, i don't like being snubbed, and i don't like my g.d. uniform!!! but...people have started talking to me (gasp!) actual talking, not just "hi, my name's stacy..." i attended the first prep ralley of the year. for my friends...i think ste. gen is more school spirited than notre dame. i'm once again in the class that just sits. no jumping up and cheering. though we did dance to the cake and ice cream song. it was awful.
but come on...who wouldn't like a school where if you're good for an hour in church you get a no uniform day, half a day of school, and possibly one day soon, a complete day off school. just for being respectful. who wouldn't like that??
Dick is cool...i have to stop calling him Dick. He's friends with Alex who is also nice. and quiet. and similar to travis folkerts.
Stacy, Tracy, Barbie. enough said.
Jackie, Farrah (farrar), alicia, dana, allison, and ashley are the nicest people. they've taken me in.
Laura-just plain nice.
Abe, Zach, Zach, Asa, Ryan, Jack....etc. hilarious. they like mah tattoo. they also have bright blonde hair. it's a soccer thing
mrs. seabaugh feeds me! ^_^
it's not bad. unfortunately.
TO DO LIST:
*fall in love all over again
*get one last first kiss
*stop calling Dick Dick
*keep up with the homework
*prove my teachers wrong, show them public school education is just as good as private
*use the times of prayer when i get them in class, pray for a certain soul that i hope is in heaven
*dance on friday nights at midnight alone to techno club music with the strobe light
*learn to curl my hair
*learn to straighten my hair
*stop using so much pink eyeshadow
*learn to blow really big bubbles with strawberry gum
*learn to like watermelon
*grow my nails really long
*stop biting my lips
*talk to the people around me with actual conversation instead of sarcastic remarks
*show abe my tattoo as much as he wants
*get better at math
*sit in barnes and noble and read children's books
*educate my brother and sister on the real punk and real rock
*maybe teach their friends too
*get the brake light on the car to go off
*get braun to stay in cape so someone can come visit me
*get a job
*not wear so much eyeliner
*go walking at dawn
To: Mommy in the sense of why do you love me? Do you even love me? I'm not your baby anymore.
"Why do you love me"
I´m no barbie doll
I´m not your baby girl
so I´ve done ugly things and I have made mistakes
and I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they´re to be believed
so what if I´m no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
you´re not some baby boy
why you acting so surprised
you´re sick of all the rules
well I´m sick of all your lies
now I´ve held back a wealth of shit I think I´m gonna choke
I´m standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don´t feel good?
that nothing ever came from nothing man
oh man ain´t that the truth
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
I think you´re sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but i think that I´m right
and you´ve still got the most beautiful face
it just makes me sad most of the time
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again
I do it again
I do it again
I do it again
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me it´s driving me crazy
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me
why do you love me