I have no clue what's going on. Yesterday I was feeling just fine...a little emotional for some reason over Mr. Kuper liking my art, but fine. I came home, put on my jeans and tank, sat down, read my book, learned a little more about Wicca, and Emma and I ordered pizza. Yay Fridays, right? Well, I decided to get on elftown, see who's on, see if anyone messaged me, tell Nicole I might be able to go to her bonfire. I talk to this guy on here, with whom I've been discussing self-expression in the form of scented lubricant and pineapple hunting. Suddenly, one of my friends gets on and I'm happy to see that she's on, I love talking to her, she's quirky and odd, and I love that. Well soon all she's saying is my boyfriend is a jackass. So? What am I supposed to do about it? Everytime someone finds something wrong with Alex they come to me. You're boyfriend's gotten cocky, your boyfriend's hanging out with Christian a lot, your boyfriend's a jackass. Oh, I'm sorry, *snaps fingers* there, it's all taken care of. Now he'll go back to giving you all massages and being a bitch. Happy? I don't know what to do about it!! It's not like I'm the gate keeper to his brain or anything, I barely even get to talk to him myself.
And why is everyone suddenly chewing my ass out because when I do go to Ste. Gen, I don't call anyone first? Why is that such a big deal? I don't even call Alex about it. I don't know all your phone numbers! And by the way, I don't have a phone! I don't have a cell phone! My family is way in debt, our land lord may be going to jail, so shortly I may be homeless, too. I try to get on here and message people frequently and say current with everything, let you all know what's going on here and at Notre Dame. But for some reason everyone is still pissed at me. For Alex. For not calling on my nonworking cell phone. For changing! That pissed me off! I'm 'changing into something you're not ready for'? And I didn't let you know, either?? Well, maybe I know I'm changing, but I don't know what I'm changing into. I'm so confused, okay?? Ever since the 8th grade I've known after my 4 years of completed highschool at Ste. Genevieve R-II, I was going to go off to NYU with my best friend and we were going to be famous journalists, go clubbing, our kids would be best friends...well as good as punk and glam kids could get. I had it all planned out, remember? Now, you know what? I have no clue what I want to do. Journalism, sure. I like it, I'd love to be one. But how can I if my mom is basically making me stay here to go to SEMO for 2 years? I don't want to transfer. I wanted to take a year off, mom said no. I don't know what I want to do. I'm not even in the right school!! Okay??? I hate it here, are you happy?!?!?
Did you know that I cry almost nonstop until I fall asleep at night? Even when I'm on the phone with Alex or Morgan a lot of times I'm crying because I wish so bad I could be witting beside you all and talk to you, not 60 miles away in my nasty soon to be the government's house. i'm failing. I have c's and d's. no college wants that. i'm going to work at mcdonald's or something the rest of my life. are you all happy? are you fucking happy?? i'll give you all your damn mcchicken sandwiches with your mcstraws and mcfries. would you like any ketchup or salt? see i can do that already. i can barely eat! yay! ^_^ Every time I sit down to a meal I feel really really really depressed and fat. A lot of you are "no, you're cute and chubby" yeah because being fat and disgusting are really the qualities of cuteness. a chipmunk is chubby and cute, why? because it's furry and with a tail. i'm not furry with a tail. i'm stupid, ugly, fat, depressed me! okay? now if you all need to talk to me, or anything, how about YOU call ME? Long distance? Oh, excuse me, I didn't know I was the only one that had the money to call people. 

So you know what? I think that I'll just stay right here, perhaps almost get raped again! maybe come into close contact with death! eat some lead paint on accident, end up in the hospital, would you all come visit me if i was? maybe i should make near death experiences a frequent occurence so i can see all my friends! ^_^

Things that are annoying:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F****** right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid to come to the cinema and stare at the f****** floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f****** does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. Macdonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a Mcchicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank
looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.
14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you all right?'. Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I'm the "nice girl"?
When have I ever been listed as the "nice girl" in anyone's book?
Today was a "no-stress day" for some reason in every class. So we sat doing absolutely nothing. First I was reading one of my all time favorite books, Born Confused, then I was reading a book on Wicca loaned to me by a friend. Eventually I was bored so I began to draw on myself. Just random pretty patterns. Swirling vines, blooming flowers, small buds, little leafs, curling lines leading up my wrist onto my hands around my ring finger. Suddenly I realized that people were watching me, I felt my heart jump, I hated it when I wasn't paying attention and get asked a question.
They wanted me to do their hands also. So I just said okay. They were nice about it and they have me liquid eyeliner to do it, much prettier than pen. By lunch all kinds of girls (and a few odd guys) were walkie around with henna-esque designs on their arms. I made a small one for Brother David. Then I was sitting in the commons after lunch. I was just sitting in a corner, listening to "Clocks" and sketching in my sketch book and I notice someone next to me. It was a teacher so I looked up, wondering if I had done something wrong. Then I noticed Alisha. Mr. Kuper asked to see my notebook...I couldn't say no...there was no "invasion of privacy" stuff here...this was a private school, but I knew I had some things in there that were a little on the morbid side or that may show some skin. Mr. Kuper started from the beginning and flipped through it handing it to me and wiping his hands on his pants. I apologized, I didn't have any sort of sealer to put over the charcoal so I used hairspray.
He asked me why I wasn't in art.
I said it wasn't an option for me.
He didn't understand.
I want to be a journalist, my hours are all filled there's no room for an art class, as much as I want one.
He said I shouldn't waste a talent...and he said I had a lot of creativity, talent, and a style all my own. Something he said he hadn't seen in a while. He gave me a list of art colleges and said to look into them. And he said if I ever needed art supplies to come to him...and with that he walked off. 8th hour there's a knock...Mr. Kuper comes in a hands me a bottle of sealant. For my pictures. He says he wants to see more.

I don't think I'm that talented. It's not like this school is devoid of talent...there are so many awesome artists I'm surprised he noticed me at all (well, with the help of Alisha). I just draw, paint, and sketch when I'm feeling any particular mood. I don't get what was so great. But it did make my day...that and everyone saying that if they wanted the eyeliner designs to go to "that nice girl over there".

It's amazing how much I ignored myself. I was never the "artsy" one before...I was the weird one. Even though I knew it was there...and now I'm letting it all out...and I'm surprised by how many people still like me. I just hope those that knew me before will still accept me.

I sift through the ashes of my algebra homework and theology reminders in my mind. behind the lists of music to listen to, behind the lists of books i've been recommended to. behind the reminder to jog at 5am, behind the idea for morgan's birthday present, behind even the memories of my family is you. all of you, in fact. i remember trying to out-read miranda and always ending up in second except for one brief day when i was ahead by 2.5 points. i remember asking morgan in her knee high rainbow socks if she was dating dorky matthew paul braun and she groaned. i remember never being able to kiss matt because i was afraid. i remember breaking up with eric because he was "too nice". i remember nathan giving me a necklace and cody letting me wear his shoes. i remember rachel smiling and me hoping so badly that one day we could be friends. i remember looking at johnny boyd jr. and thinking he was hot in stu co and then thinking alex was hilarious and spencer had an unfortunate last name. i remember beauchamp being my number one guy friend in the world (as we called our friendship one summer) and i remember cheerleading and having so much fun actually being involved and i loved being able to do chelsea's hair. i remember asking xavier out in 7th grade and him saying no. i remember sharing pecans, i believe, with abby in mr. bierman's class. i remember natasha being teeny...oh wait, she still is. i remember meeting mr. smith and finding him extremely odd. i remember pat always wearing red...blue was for special occassions. nate was mattie's cousin and i had a huge crush on him. i remember kicking brandon's ass for calling me fat. i remember codey jo being there all the time. i remember me and morgan finally talking again after a year. i remember meeting nicole and thinking that she reminded me of the south and biscuits, oddly. i remember wanting to date robbie. i remember kyla. that's all i'll say about that. i remember karen and christian (who doesn't) and matt otte whom i dated once and randy heberlie broke us up. i remember my first two kisses by two seperate people. i remember being backstage and holding hands, hugging, and feeling like i wanted to freeze time forever. i remember it all and i keep it in my mind. even though there's other things that come first i never stop thinking about all of it. every night i think. about all of you. i think of miranda being my best friend and mom (the good kind) all in one. morgan is my support. rachel brightens my day. sarah makes me laugh and not feel ashamed of myself. nicole makes me question my sexuality ;) aubrey makes me want to dance. abby makes me want a kitty for some reason. alex...you make me want to do too many things to think of. i love you all and i'll always have you in my mind, to pull out between classes, in church, at lunch, at night, and even when i'm running, i always think of you.

So I wake up this morning around 10am and go downstairs. In my brother's room I find my brother on his couch, a sleeping bag wrapped around him, dark circles under his eyes, his hair all spikey and messy, he's zoned out watching scooby doo and there's candy wrappers surrounding him.

it kind of freaked me out.

so then he and i got some mountain dew, popcorn balls, and candy, sat in the living room and zoned out on the big tv! ^_^ oh the lovely days of after Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

I haven't said that in so long and actually meant it. I love Halloween, it's my favorite holiday besides St. Patrick's day (I know, I love obscure holidays). But it's never been the greatest. I've wanted to have Halloween parties, but then never did. I used to go trick or treating until Mattie and I moved away from eachother and I had no one to go be a dork with. Last year I sat on my front porch and cried, actually cried, over the fact that everyone in my family hates Halloween. Mom thinks it's another excuse to spend money, Mitchell says it's scaring and he just likes the candy, and Emma just gave me her 'I'm way too mature for that' look. I wanted to dress up, to watch a scary movie, to eat candy till I puked, make a jack o' lantern, and then go to the mall the next day to see all the christmas decorations. But instead I had to sit on my front porch in a sparkly pink dress, my hair done up, my make up on, all glittery and fairy dust, and I cried. I bet I looked kind of pretty. I wish someone had taken my picture.
But this year was much better.
I was invited to a previous party, but gas being so expensive and me with no job made the party off limits, so I went to a friend's down the street. What did I dress up as? I don't know. I was an indian on Friday at school (oh the costumes were so awesome!! I can't wait till next year, I'm going with a few guys and a few girls as a band and groupies...I'm in the band with the girls) But on Saturday, I wanted to dress up differently for the party, so mom gave me $10 to get whatever I needed. So I got black fishnets, fake eyelashes, and black hair dye. I borrowed super high high heels from Dana (who said I could keep them! ^_^) and I came home with Emma, giggling the whole time. We went into the bathroom and Emma died my hair black. Around 7 I put on a plaid shirt, black tank, leather trench coat, fishnets, heels, I teased my hair, put on the eyelashes and dark make up. I put on chokers and pearls and went to the party. I had an awesome time. It was kind of juvenile, no really good music...but we played some fun games, I got to swing dance with Adam and Doyle. I played volleyball with balloons against Jack and Raymond. Everyone laughed when I told them I guess I was a hooker for halloween. I came home completely happy and I went to sleep smiling. The next day I went to church and talked the party over with a few people and we all said goodbye. Emma, Cassie, Mitchell, and I set up the porch as a haunted area for little kids on Halloween with black lights, strobe lights, and streamers. Today I woke up, took mom and the chillins' to school and I went to Vicki's to watch my movie for Jr. Comp. I watched Bonnie and Clyde (it was sooooo sad!!! At the end they get riddled with bullets and the guys just keep shooting! They don't stop! Ahhh!!!) and I drank Vicki's soda. I collected the kids at 11am...We finished setting up the porch and then I took a nap. I got mom, came home, put on my hooker outfit and put make up on all the other kids. I went trick or treating with Mitchell and Kaitie and some college guys gave me candy because I was "cute". I gave it to Kaitie. She's "cuter". Then all the kids and non family members went to the haunted school at St. Mary's. Mom and I made popcorn balls and watched poltergeist. I took weird pictures of me posing in my goth hooker outfit, of my pumpkin (it looks like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas!) and now I'm on here. I'm going to borrow the Ring and The Faculty from Vicki. Because Halloween isn't over. And I still don't have school tomorrow. ^_^

so i think i was a hooker for jackie's halloween party. i'm not sure, but i think i was. ^_^

so, why doesn't anyone come visit me?
there was once, but no one really seemed to enjoy themselves a lot. made me sad...then there was...oh wait no. there was only then. and then alex comes! when i was almost raped!! i should almost get raped more often, then i could see everyone. or how about those one kids get up and get their licenses!? then you could come see me. i hate it when i argue with my mom over coming to see everyone, then she points out..."why don't they come to see you?" and i don't know.

I really like these rules for some reason. The *'s are my favorite and apply to some friends.

101 Rules of Being Hardcore



1) Be tough at all times.
2) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way
4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.
13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14) Keep it in the do-jo.
15) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19) More Ankles people!
20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.
23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
27) Start your own hardcore band.
28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30) If you are shy start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
31) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33) Never say "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
34) It's merch not Merchandise.
35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
40) When people ask you if you like a band always say "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
41) Buy all of that bands merch.
42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43) Repeat steps 41 and 42
44) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45) Don't tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
48) Complain at all costs.
49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool
50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The mother fuck" or "kick that guys ass move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54) Scream about love.
55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
*59) Velcro shoes are cool.
60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.
62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69) Complain some more.
70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
*73) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)
75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76) Fuck beer, Got breast milk?
77) Bandanas are cool.
78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.
80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85) Describe your group of friends as "the scene" and then watch bootlegs of last weeks
86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88) Keep punching
89) Kick a little too
90) Punch
91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
*95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97) Straight bangs means straight-edge
*98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
*99) When in doubt Mock everything
100) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you

So...who has a pretty neat school? Me!

So Ste. Gen bitches...you slave away for days on the MAP test, right? Well, guess what? I don't have to take it!!

But I did have to take some sort of test from the army that is comparable to the ACTs. Last night I didn't know about it. I was freaking out about a chemistry brochure I didn't do, I was trying to finish my AM history, and language. I was up until 2 or 3 am.

I got to school and I was feeling all nervous, because I didn't do a lot of my homework. Yay!!
Well, then I'm told we have testing, so I was happy!
"Until?"-me
"Around 11."-Jack
"Awesome, I don't have to turn in the math or AM history."
"Dude, we don't turn in anything today. We don't have school."-Jack

Oh, how cool is that??? They feel bad for making us take a crappy test, so we take the test in the morning and get to leave at 11am. GO ME!
They gave us scratch paper and I doodled all over mine, unaware that I was supposed to turn it in. I hope they had fun looking at it.
So I went home in a car with the hyperactive me, Alisha (Barbie), and Farra. Screaming and talking quickly...trying to stop Farra from rolling up windows.
Then I got home and I did my homework as I watched video mods on MTV2, I had the door wide open, I danced around like an idiot, I went skateboarding, I cleaned my room and hung lights up everywhere, I painted, I doodled (boobied), and eventually fell asleep.
Day well spent.

If I was a profession I'd be: A hooker
If I was a body of water I'd be: The Nile
If I was a piece of candy I'd be: shock tarts
If I was a famous building I'd be: house on the rock
If I was a bad habit I'd be: biting my nails
If I was a swear word I'd be: fucking right
If I was a ice cream flavor I'd be: chocolate
If I was a disease I'd be: ADD...wait that's a disorder...
If I was a board game I'd be: chutes and laters
If I was a feeling I'd be: Bliss
If I was a city I'd be: Dublin
If I was a color I'd be: orange
If I was a celebrity I'd be: ellen degenares
If I was a movie I'd be: Dazed and Confused
If I was a business I'd be: A hooker
If I were a month, I'd be: October
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: Midnight
If I were a planet, I'd be: Venus
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a sea horse
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a love seat
If I were a sin, I'd be: lust
If I were a liquid, I'd be: mercury
If I were a tree, I'd be: bonzai
If I were a bird, I'd be: flamingo
If I were a tool, I'd be: hedge trimmer
If I were a plant, I'd be: weed
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a thunder storm
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a bass guitar
If I were an animal, I'd be: a kitty
If I were a sound, I'd be: music
If I were a material, I'd be: cotton
If I were a taste, I'd be: sour
If I were a word, I'd be: cellar door
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: disbelief
If I were a shape, I'd be a: an octogon
If I were a number, I'd be: 13 or 7
If I were a band, I'd be: The Distillers
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: a horny unicorn
If I was a country I'd be: Ireland
If I was an emotion I'd be: jealousy
If I was a war I'd be: WWII
If I was a currency I'd be: a dolla bitch
If I were a direction, I'd be: west
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: cucumber
If I were a fruit, I'd be: cherries or strawberries
If I were an element, I'd be: fire
If I were a song, I'd be: band-aid covers the bullet hole
If I were a book, I'd be: She's Come Undone
If I were a food, I'd be: food
If I were a body part, I'd be: a neck
If I were a X-man, then I'd be: storm
If I were a metal, I'd be: mercury
If I were a piece of Jewlery, I'd be: a ring
If I were a alcoholic beverage, I'd be: non-existent because sxe rOOlz
If I were a Greek God/Goddess, I'd be: Circe!
If I were a Shakesperian play, i'd be: i'll tell you once i see them all.
If I were a era, Id's be: the 50's or 60's or 20's

what i do to make myself feel better:

i open my windows and let the october air pour in...i put in music and dance like an idiot.
i've decided i'm going to be like when i was little...when i had no worries. when i'd wear a polkadot skirt and striped socks, not worrying about matching or looking girly. about now i'd be at my grandparent's big yellow house, jumping off the homemade swing into a pile of golden leaves. my cousin would be around...maybe playing with the dogs...maybe waiting to jump off the swing...but we were all there. no adult problems. all kinds of futures awaited us. austin could barely walk. no one could tell jeff and mitchell apart. joe and emma wanted to be married. hannah, chas, lindsay, and i were crammed into photo frames, noses red our eyes smiling. the days had that special brightness that you only see in october, when the weather is getting nippy, leaves are golden, and halloween is right around the corner.
i'm going back to then. i don't need all these worries i have. zits, my boyfriend, cell phones, jobs, money, sex, and whether my friends are mad at me. i'll go back to worrying about whether or not kelsey and i will watch ernest scared stupid or gremlins on halloween night when we have our annual halloween get together. i'll think about ramona quimby, getting a gold fish, and i'll use paper clips as earrings and rubber bands as diamond bracelets. And everything will be better.
Just like that.

You know what? Average people get crap!
Nerds get to become billionaires or become part of the Geek Squad and use jet packs.
Pretty/Popular people get famous, or get by in life on looks.
Average people have to actually work. That's crap. I hate being average! *rips up 'I Heart Average' shirt* HA! Bet you didn't even know I had that shirt!!!

i had a really long entry of me crying and whining and being nostalgic. but elftown logged me off so it disappeared. so now i'm just pissed.

Best Quotes from Actual People I Know...Mostly from Notre Dame:

"I used to think swastikas were pretty...I still do, so sometimes I draw them on my notes." -Caroline

"Whoa...so this one time I swear I had crack on my pancakes, I swear to God! Cuz, like, I ate 'em, then, like, I swear I was insane, I swear!" -Jack
"You swear? Up down and all around swear??" -Mr. Koehler
"What? Oh, yeah! All over the place! A swear here, a swear there!"-Jack
"Okay, but do you swur?"-Me
"What? No! I'm not black...but I hope to be one day...did I tell you about the pancakes???" -Jack

"Our father, fat jeans, police cars, popopopopopopoopypants, pledge allegience, blahmasnagamah...." -Me and Jack praying.

"Did you know that if you burn ferns it smells like weed?" -Mr. Koehler

"Guess what!?! Guess what, guess what!??!" *jumping up and down* "I have AADD! Adult...uh..attention..deficit..dis..order! yeah!!! I got that crap!" -Mr. Vollink
"Tuck your shirt in Mr. Vollink!!"-Brother David
"You gotta catch me first!!!"-Vollink as he sprints down the hallway.

*Door to chemistry slams open and Vollink skids in*
"Wait...this isn't my classroom."
"Okay."-Mrs. Schaefer.
"Hey, can I stay awhile?"-Vollink
"Uh..sure."-Schaefer.
*After a few minutes of sitting in class*
"OH CRAP! I have a class this hour!" -Vollink as he runs out of the classroom.

"You are all my brothers and sister...just like it is in Kelso." - Brother David making incest jokes at an assembly.

What am I supposed to do? Sit around here, waiting? I can't go unless I get a job, well, I'm trying. I am. And you don't notice it. I starve myself and you don't notice. I come home with ice cream for myself and your bags of white castle and all that you say is "what about us". What about you? You eat all the time, you all have been drinking my diet soda and my water, even though that's all I ever drink! Then, the one thing no one has to get onto me about...college. You yell at me because I want to go to NYU or the west coast...you tell me to look at the midwest...Idaho, Ohio, Iowa, Missouri...who the hell wants to go to these places? Missouri sucks you in! And excuse me for being honest with you! You lived in many other states...and what happened? You came back. If I come back it's to visit and to get my boyfriend. Oh, yeah, by the way...I had no excuse to be upset or crabby? Whatever, you have your zoloft and other various happy pills, take one. You said that Alex could stay another night, and I was so happy! I don't get to see anyone that often, and I finally get to see Alex...then you change your mind at midnight. Nice. So, yeah, I was crabby. I woke up alone, at 2pm, my homework took 10 minutes, you made me go get you all kinds of crap, and then you accused me (again) of stealing your money for gas. I didn't get to wake up anywhere near the person I love. Instead, I'm freezing in a room that's empty. So, please. Stop saying that you're not enjoying this move any better than I am, okay? Because guess what? You didn't leave your best friends, you didn't leave your boyfriend, you didn't leave an awesome new position in your class that's also your dream career. You moved here, where you've wanted to move back to since we moved to Ste. Gen, you now get to see your best friend constantly, and you're happy. I know you are. Don't lie just so that you can boohoo back at me.

i'm so proud of myself. i'm not sad about what i'm doing. i love this...i only get angry with myself ever so often...but i'm doing well...if you can say that. i'm confused...i'm kind of afraid, but i like every minute of it...the pain, the aches, the moments of triumph, the feeling sick to my stomach, being up at 5am, seeing every sunrise and sunset. and i'm doing it for all of you.

Is this wrong? Everytime I start to feel happy, I think 'Finally! I deserve to be happy!' Is that bad? To have so much pity for one's own self? When I talk on the phone to the 2-3 people that have time for me they're all "oh, i miss you, this sucks, i'm so sad without you..." is it bad that i don't believe them half the time? Granted, I'm not in a pit of loneliness, I've been invited to parties, I have friends, and I have things to keep me busy...but these friends here are so...I don't know how to put it...like hugs to these kids mean pats on the back from arms length away. then all my old friends are going on about what's going on...so I get to miss Rachel and Xavier...I had no idea about Chris and Abby...what's going on with Morgan and Nicole...my Mirandama sounds lonely...I miss seeing Aubrey's figure...I miss Alex. I'm wallowing in self pity. It's not fair!!!!!
I get moved to Cape (again) I have to go to a Catholic school (again) I'm failing French, I need 80 service hours to graduate...I have none. I feel like an outsider. I live in a shit house. I was almost raped and my brother was mugged. Everyone at Notre Dame is small, cutsie, and athletic...who can blame me if I feel like skipping a meal??? You all are accepted for who you are! I'm still me! Everyone at Notre Dame seems to be afraid of me...oh no, i came from a public school, i have a tattoo, i do donuts in a mini van as i listen to (actual) punk music! oh my buddha, i'm such a badass! everyone stare from a distance!!! *sighs* I don't know what put me in such a mood. I always read diaries...so many people had 'boohoo..i only get to see my boyfriend after school and before...i can only stay on the phone till midnight...my internet was gone...i feel fat...BLAH FRICKIN BLAH!!!! i'm not saying that my problems are any worse...but I get to see my boyfriend once or twice every 3 weeks (if I'm lucky) I usually have to get off the phone at 9-9:30, i just got internet and cable, i feel fat all the time so i'm doing something about it (P.S. if you're gonna get mad if I lose weight, screw you! you have the perfect little body, as you always remind me...you don't know what this is like) so whatever!!! my sister is a nazi! my mom is crazy! i have ADD, anxiety disorder, and i rarely get 4 full hours of sleep. i'm going to rant and rave! it's the mood i'm in!

LIST:
1. Get a few new books...I have been reading the same books for several years.
2. Get new pants...none of mine fit anymore.
3. Get new bra...don't fit. NO MY BOOBS HAVE NOT GOTTEN SMALLER!
4. Teach Asa to play hackey sack.
5. Not be afraid of food.

hi. i'm alive. it's da coolest. wee mee.
     been up in the morning at 5 to jog...and i jog again around 7 or 8...i'm turning into a weird health freak...but i'm also still the same me! ^_^