I always get all nervous that when people are talking and I have a word in my head or something I really want to say that's inappropriate, I think I'm going to shout it. And I really have to control myself. Otherwise I'll just shout "Belgium!" or "Nipples!"  It happens a lot.

So I go to work out. 3am. I didn't think anyone would be there. There was one guy who left as I came in. Then while I was jogging a guy who looked oddly enough like Zach Andrews came in. He started to jog and we didn't say anything. Eventually I started to walk and he did too. 
"You don't really look like the type to work out." I said. He had spiky black hair and sleeve tattoos.
"Yeah...I just come every once in a while."
He worked out with me on the weights and I taught him to do cheerleading stretches. Then he made up a cheer. I convinced him to go tanning and when he was done he said "I feel like I'm glowing with cancer!" We went to the grocery store and he got me a lighter and he got cigarettes. We got coffee and shared a piece of chocolate cheesecake. He was really sweet. And it struck me how weird this was. He said I talked funny and I laughed and said he talks funnier. We talked for a really long time. He gave me his phone number and said we should work out everynight together. We meet every night at 3am...so I guess it's every morning. He came over one day and I showed him my paintings. He painted a big red and orange flower for me on my shoulder and I gave him blue lips on his neck. I told him it was like a hickey. But prettier. Then he kissed me. Moving here wasn't so bad.

I'm super excited! I'm doing it again! It's really bad. And I should stop...but I like it! And who's gonna stop me? *devil grin* Aaah....fun.

Brokeback Mountain did two things for me.

1) Made me cry really hard.

2) Made me really want a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Strangely enough, I'm enjoying myself here. It's not bad or anything. I like it here. Rachel really understands me...Suzie Q's a cutie pie, Dad's nice (when he's here), and Andrew...well Andrew's weird. But I don't get the school. So...I'm going up to it on Tuesday. Have the guidance counselor help me fill stuff out or something. I don't get the class thingy...but if things go right I can take metal working (which is basically what Sam does at Only Child) and photography, where we'll have a darkroom. The only problem is everyone here has already picked classes and from what I hear they're all super artsy. They look it too. I haven't seen an Abecrombie tshirt or Hollister girl anywhere. Which isn't bad or good or anything, just haven't seen them. I'm having a pretty fun time. I really like Rachel. I just miss Emma a lot. I feel bad for her. She seems to be unhappy. I can't wait to see her when she visits! Which is weird to hear for some of you who know our relationship. But I went tanning for the first time today and burned of all things my elbows...elbows! But I'm having fun and I miss everyone, but it's only a year, right?

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS


ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? my mom
2. What is your weapon of choice? my awesome mind
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? i do
4.How about of the same sex? yes..i do
5.Who was the last person who got really angry at you? my mom
6.What is your pet peeve? liars
7.Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i dunno...both

Sloth
1.What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? drink milk
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 3 pm
3.Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? roro
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "i didn't know it was against the rules"
5.Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? no
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? none

GLUTTONY
1.What is your overpriced alcohol beverage of choice? i don't drink...much
2. Meat eaters: white meat or red meat? what the hell is white meat?
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 4 beers, 3 shots of captain morgan and half a bottle of gin
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? trimspa baby
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? kinda
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? salty
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought "Food!"? eh...no....BABIES!!!!!

LUST
1.How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies or family)? a lot...there's gym and the weird stuff i make my friends do when playing that weird date game we got
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? the same as above i guess
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes, and have gotten caught doing so
4. Have you "done it"? teehee...you said "done it"
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? eyes
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no but i want to be
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yeah...i thought i had gonhorrea...that's a joke I swear


GREED
1.How many credit cards do you own? None
2.What's your guilty pleasure store? american eagle or hot topic
3.If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? get a car and a house and save the rest
4.Would you rather be rich, or famous? famous because it'll make you rich eventually
5.Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? how boring?
6.Have you ever stolen anything? Yeah
7.How many MP3s are on your hard drive? i dunno, this aint my computer


PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? my paintings
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? uh........
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? travel the world
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? hell no
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? no
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? all during smitty's class
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? i went and worked out
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? rachel's camera
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces"? uh...what?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? honestly rachel
4. Have you ever been cheated on? i don't know if it counts
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? i don't know...uh, artistic-ness-icity
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? not especially...no


8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
lust and anger

I am: Confused in a good way
I have: enough
I wish: to know I'm loved
I hate: fakes
I miss: Ste. Gen
I fear: rejection
I hear: music...always
I search: for books to hole up in forever
I wonder: what would have happened
I regret: everything
I love: ...I don't know
I always: listen
I am NOT: a nice person
I cry: alone
I write: beginning at 3 am and continuing until dawn
I hurt: many people
I want: what I can not have
I hope: that I'll be happier
I feel alone: a lot
I waste: my talent
I talk: to anyone
I break: things when I'm angry
I watch: traffic on my street at midnight
I remember: all those times I've had with all those special someones
I forget: any math or science related facts
I sleep with: no clothes and cigarettes
I hide: what I really think
I drive: my mama's minivan
I burn: my lips and fingers all the time
I breathe: deep
I feel: left out
I know: I love someone out there
I dream: daily
I await: my knight in shining armor (as cliche as it sounds)
I live: because the world wouldn't notice anyway if one more died
I die: eventually..and that's what scares me

Why do all presidents' names have to be George or John? Huh? I want to raise the next president...and name him Sparticus. Or Godzilla. GODZILLA IS YOUR PRESIDENT! VOTE FOR GODZILLA! That'd be awesome. Think of the cool slogans and ads that could be around just because your name is Godzilla. Or maybe I'll name my kid Jesus!!!! VOTE FOR JESUS. WWJD?? VOTE FOR JESUS!  GOD LOVES JESUS, SO SHOULD YOU!!! WHO COULD HATE JESUS?   COME ON ALL YOU JEWS, REPENT FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE....VOTE FOR JESUS!!

Or maybe not. Okie Dokie then.

I be supreme ghetto white girl yo ass eva laid ayez on, aight? Sho nuff, nah shorty ain't eva call me cracka, dig man?



My brain feels dumb...

GOOD MORNING STARSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLOOO!!!!!

And that, my dear children, you can take to the bank.

"Hey, did he just call him Jeff?"

Dragonflies?

Well, I couldn't very well see the show from up there, now, could I little girl?

I'm done with Notre Dame. I leave Saturday. Why is everything running together all of a sudden? Suddenly, I really don't want to go. Suddenly, I'm ready to suffer another year in Notre Dame. Suddenly, I'm ready to run away. Suddenly, I want to hurt myself. But I don't. That's all I need. Show up in Minnesota with strawberry gashes all over my body...I'll get sent back, then they'll wish they could just send me somewhere else. They could make me go to a mental institution. I probably wouldn't stuggle. Probably. I hate this...I hate this so much. I'm like a dog no one could house train. They loved me intensley for a few months and then they decided it was too hard to keep me. So they ship me off to a new family who will pet and love me until I start to bite. Then I'll be put to sleep. Fuck....they say that all artists need pain to create...suffering. I should be an awesome artist. Not that I'm suffering physically...well not really...but mentally I feel really fucked up. I decided to take back what I said about love at one point. I decided, hey, maybe it is possible to love someone. Maybe it is possible to trust in love. And now what...? A one night stand with him, making out with him and knowing he only calls me baby because he can't remember my name, kissing her and saying sorry sorry sorry...staring at him across the room and kicking yourself for never just going out with him once. Running up in the hall that last day and giving him a kiss, knowing nothings going to come of it. Sneering if someone says you're beautiful. None of this is real. One day I'll wake up and realize, no one wants you. Get used to it. You don't need them either. I can be alone. I prefer it that way. Parents? I've never really had any. Why start now? Boyfriends? Girlfriends? Why the fuck bother? It all starts with a touch, then a kiss, then I love you, then wait, I love them, sorry. Sorry, Dani. Sorry, God. Me, too, guys. Me too.

I give awesome back rubs. I did everyone's at work last night (my last day!!) and then today in French class. I had a line going and Matt told me it was the best french class ever...golly, i feel special. I have a week left.

Think about it...in ten days, I'm gone. I'm out of (some) people's lives forever. I stand in front of my mirror and wonder if the next place I go, they'll be happy to get big, crybaby, badass Dani. I just hope it gets better. The seniors are gone and I feel like it's my turn. They all seemed so grown-up, though. I don't want to be a grown up yet. I want to run wild and wear bright sundresses and laugh when I have chocolate on my face. When did I start needing things to stay alive. When did having a cigarette start making my day better? Since when have I needed a man to say "You're beautiful"? Since when have I needed a pill to make me feel better, a drink to make me feel brave, a death to feel inspiration? Why don't can't I have these just from me? My mom hasn't said a real sentence to me in months. I'm leaving soon. Shouldn't there be sentiment? My friends sound like they're going to miss me more. And even now, they seemed more sad when I moved to Cape than anyone does now that I'm moving further away. Who knows...maybe I'll find myself there. See everything I couldn't while I was here. Maybe I'll be a new person. Maybe I'll finish writing a book. Maybe I'll have a high GPA. Maybe I won't be so scared of everything. Maybe I'll let myself fall in love. 

Oh, tragedy. Oh, poor Dani. Feel bad for me, boo hoo. I don't want your fucking sympathy. I'm just writing. It needs to go somewhere. I can't tell everybody everything. Rather I can't tell anybody anything. But I'm writing. Bad habits have no longer become habits, they're just life now. Smoking a pack a day, 2 hours of sleep, short nails, scratching my arms, crying for no reason, not really eating. I don't know what to do. Everything has fallen apart suddenly. Where did it all start? Last May. It started with the death of one of the sweetest (weirdest) guys I've ever known. Things unraveled from there. I went to Minnesota for a while and almost got kicked out of their house, moved to Cape...and then joined the fucking cult school where if you're sick they assume you must be facing pressing mental issues. I got broken up with and am still really confused. I did something stupid because I felt I wasn't pretty enough. My mom has given up on me and is sending me away. My 3rd highschool. My 7th school in my lifetime. I'm super psyched! Or I try to pretend to be! Why do people keep fucking giving up on me? I'll move to Minnesota and I'll bet that this will be my communication with everyone. No one will come see me, I won't see them. No one will call, and I'm tired of calling first. I have had migraines these past few days and I knew I couldn't go to school today. So Brother David basically said that he's ready to say just keep me at home. What the fuck???????? I'm only failing Chemistry, and I don't care about that fucking class. WHAT IS THE WORLD'S PROBLEM? WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM? Is it just me or does it feel like I'm no longer loved. Eh, who knows. People will just lie to me. I'm getting used to being lied to. I can't trust anyone anymore. It used to just be men. But my mom has been screwing me over my whole life. And girls are gossipy bitches!  What the fuck should I do next, huh? Should I try to look on the brightside of things? BECAUSE THAT FUCKING HELPS, RIGHT? Should I give up on myself and just go with it and be called a failure? Should I kill myself? Should I just disappear? I think you all would actually be a lot happier if I just wasn't around you all. If you'd like, I won't talk to you anymore. I promise. And I think you can trust me. I can't trust you, but if you dare, you can try me.

My mouth's shooting blanks. This situation's unbearable.
I've gotten vulnerable. Now anyone is
free to waltz right in.
My temple's been invaded and there's nobody guarding it.
All over this lonely life,
but what's so wrong with being all alone? Alone's the only way i've ever known.

Does anyone else think I'm bipolar? I was reading through all these entries and stuff and I realized that sometimes I suddenly just change my mind....and I start yelling or lecturing.
Right now I just have some pretty intense stuff going on...I'm trying to forget about it, but it's really hard. I should have kept it to myself, but I told someone. By the way, I'm really sorry. 
But I'm packing my stuff, I'm doing homework, doing laundry, and I'm about to eat some soup. I heart soup.

Dreams are a reflection of what we want deep in our subconscious. Our subconscious is not a happy place. It holds our deepest fears, I most secret longings, it holds things that we do not even know about ourselves. Usually all our wants, needs, fears, and secrets come out in dreams. The dreams may seem odd sometimes, that is when you must look into the dream and interpret the meanings behind the symbols, which is why dreams may seem so weird. Sometimes when we wake up we can't remember the dream. This is usually because our subconscious is holding back the memory. This happens a lot when you have a nightmare. You jolt awake and can't remember why. You really don't want to remember what scared you so terribly. You don't want to know what is hidden. It might damage you because if you couldn't just out and admit it consciously, how could you stand just to suddenly realize it? I dream. And I remember the nightmares. I remember the dreams. In one nightmare I was trying to clean a statue of Mary and straighten up a graveyard and suddenly I stopped. I felt like I was being watched. So I went and began to swing on a swingset nearby. Suddenly in mid-air, I stopped swinging, and a loud buzzing filled my ears. I took this as I really want to be more involved in my faith, but am afraid to. I don't want people to know and I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. I don't know if God even still loves me. I had a dream just the other night, I was trying to hug a certain somebody and he kept saying no, and taking my arms and pulling them to my sides. So I tried to kiss him and he said no. He didn't want to touch me or talk to me. I think this is saying I'm really not over it. I care about it and I'm upset, but I'm also supposed to let go. While in real life I don't think he'd deny me a hug, it shows I need to let go and move on.

It's kind of weird to see all this. I've started a journal to try and figure out how I get in the moods I do. And it's simple. I've already figured it out today. I let myself. Instead of trying to fix it, I let it go. I've stopped trying to plan and run things, I've gone the complete polar exchange and now I don't care at all. 

The Dandy Warhols is what I want playing in the background of the movie of my life. I want it to open, me in the van with Emma driving around laughing, with my friends at school laughing, people at work laughing at the weird ways I try to inhale, and me laughing with them....then me lying in bed, just staring at the ceiling. Thinking. When I'm painting I want Shatterday from Vendetta Red, when I'm sleeping I want Lucky Man from The Verve. When I'm writing I want any Everclear...When I'm driving alone in the car I want Satellite from Dave Matthews. When I begin to cry alone because I'm afraid my mom will yell, my sister will worry, or my friends will get upset...I want Starry Eyed Surprise from Paul Oakenfold. When I feel sassy...Mondo '77 from Looper.....fill in the gaps with what you want....I don't mind a diverse genre.

Rest In Peace, Patloaf...you'll never know how much you meant to me.

What has happened the last year of my life...
-Pat died
-I had to go to Minnesota last summer
-I moved to Cape Girardeau
-I moved into a really crappy house
-I had to go to a new school, again. This time a Catholic one
-I discovered that it is possible to fail classes
-I got a job
-I got in trouble for shop lifting
-I crashed the van
-I got grounded a lot
-I did certain things I won't list on here
-Been more scared than ever in my life
-Met really weird people
-Re-started chain smoking
-Re-discovered myself
-Got caught coming home after sneaking out at 1 am
-Got really grounded
-Being made to move to Minnesota
-Been broken up with
-Been asked to prom
-Been called fat by the bitchy beauty queen Brenna Green
-Called into the office for hitting the bitchy beauty queen
-Been to a psychiatrist every week
-Got a stress rash
-Failing a lot of stuff
-Been called beautiful
-Gotten asked out by Jason (gross)
-cried bitterly for about 3 minutes
-Painted a lot
-Started and stopped halfway through writing 6 books
-Finally downloaded Limewire
-People actually inviting me places

Despite all that has happened...I think I'm happy. I'm not so worried as I was a month ago. My rash is sort of going away. While I can't go to prom, I felt special because I was asked. People told me I was beautiful and I started to feel it. While I feel like I've drawn a little more into myself this past week (or 4 days or something) I can honestly say I'm looking forward to summer. Not just because it's summer (duh) but because I'm excited about starting all over. I don't have to wear a uniform, I'm determined to not wear all black, I'll do what I want. I might still smoke...who cares. I'll finish off my 6/7th school the way I want to! I'll take all english and art classes! I'll go to the Mall of America! I'll fly my friends up to see me(roundtrip and I'll pay for half your tickets, hint hint), I'll throw parties, I'll go out! I'll do it dammit!! I'll make fun of the way they talk! I'll have my own room...and I'll sleep naked! Weeee!! I might date people...see if it feels right, if it doesn't, then I'll just go with the flow. I'll go ice fishing with my Grandpa Bob, I'll play basketball with Brad and Matt. I'll call my best friends and write letters (by the way, I need your all's addresses)and send random packages. Perhaps I'll be happier. Perhaps I'll find I'm not. Either way, just like a certain someone, I have to try it.

Okay...all better...I was told I was pretty afterwards by my brother and Camden...I don't feel as bad about moving and I'm not constantly worried! Wee! But in a way I hope that if I do take a year off before college...I hope I still have another chance. I give all men a second chance...maybe I'll get one too. But if this happens again, I swear I'm gonna be a lesbian! I'm so confused as to what to do though? What are they gonna do? Je-sus. Cheese and rice got all muddy!!! *giggle* yeah