如此, 我無法得到我的頭在它附近。我真正地喜歡這個男孩仍然我知道他無法是我的。他曾經是但我現在不感覺連接在我們之間。我告訴他並且我們不談話為長期。它是好像他甚而不喜歡我。我祝願我從未會搬走。並且我知道這真正地不事關因為它不是像任何人可能讀這。或將嘗試。但它看起來整潔。我仍然愛亞歷克斯。

sweet...

Me and Kurt are over.

Like I told Morgan:
"One night stands from now on."

And I've had a few:
jason
keith
brandon
kurt

not bad

I need to quit smoking.

Excuse me while I go light this on the toaster...

DO NOT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHEN I'M DYING IN THE ABYSS!
JOHN! YOU'RE KID TRIED TO DROWNED ME WITH HIS FUCKIN DAFFY DUCK RAFT!

cleaning my room....
rearranging my room...
trying to find my cds...
trying to find places for everything...

all at 4am.
just like old times, eh?

everyone that knows me knows i'm up till 4 or 5 and sleep until noon. and if you wake me up i'll throw things at you.

yeah, remember spending the night at miranda's? and the michael jackson song w/macy gray and ozzy?

"geed me a scodge on throcksss-z...an a madini...evyboddy in da hod tub!"

"difference between FAKE ASS friends and REAL friends


FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"


FAKE ASS FRIENDS: never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out

#3 on my To Do List is not going so well...

I think Polyphonic Spree is one of the coolest bands ever. I love their music! Oh, so much! ^^
Their music can be found on
-Thumbsucker
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

and I'm sure others, but once I found out they were on two of my favorite movies, I had to listen! I now rate them as #1 lust! Woo!

Kill the hosers.

On your birthday, I wore black.

I'm trying to let you go. I'm trying so hard.

To Do List:

1. Get a car

2. Cut back on smoking

3. Quit drinking soda (my last one is tonight)

4. Start running again

5. Go single

6. Start painting again

7. Finish my writing

8. Plan my trip

9. Burn cds for friends

10. Lose weight

11. Start a diary with no dates

12. Hug my dad

13. Let go of a certain someone

14. Cry myself to sleep one last time

15. Start a normal bed time routine

16. Get contacts (maybe)

17. Start saving money

18. Pray

19. Come to grips with the fact that I am me.

20. Clean on a regular basis.

Rich people. Here in Brainerd we have shitloads of tourism. They are fondly known as citiots. They have huge cabins and houses on the lakes, they clog up traffic with their boats, campers, jet skis, 4 wheelers, etc and make it impossible to get to Wal*Mart in under twenty five minutes. I have a theory. I don't think rich people can go to heaven. I think they have to build their "heaven" while on Earth. So they build these monstrosity houses and call it home. It's because they'll never get into heaven. So they enjoy what they can now. That's my theory.

I better get into Heaven! I've gone through shit some people can't even imagine!

So, I'm watching Heavy on VH1 and I discovered that I have a deep love of Marilyn Manson. I love what he said about Columbine. They asked what he would've said to those kids if he had the chance. He said "I wouldn't say anything. I would've listened. That's what was wrong. No one listened to them." I think that's one of the smartest things anyone has ever said! I love what he said about he thinks of himself as an artist and that art is a question mark. I've dedicated one of my recent paintings to him and that quote. Once I can, I'll post a picture up here, seeing as I have no way to put up any pictures or art. But don't worry....I will.

On a more personal note, I'm still losing weight. I've started taking diet pills but not in the obsessive speed effect way. I eat all the time though, seeing as how Dad has a grilled cheese maker, I eat grilled cheese all the time. And I don't trust tap water so I always drink soda (pop). But I've become more active, I walk everywhere, I chase Miss Susie Q and I work out with Kurt a few times a week. Rachel said we needed to go shopping, but what the hell? I'll just wait, save up my money for if I super lose weight and I'll need to buy a whole new wardrobe. Which would be cool. ^^

Me and Kurt haven't seen a lot of eachother recently, except when we work out. I don't call him my 'boyfriend' a term which means nothing really. But I'm pretty happy. It's what I wanted right? I said one night stands only. It makes me feel better. Men played me my whole life and now I'm playing them. Ha.

Well, I'm applying for a position on Elftown, I want to be a crew member. I said I wanted to be the "Dear Abbey" of Elftown. If you wanna see my application (they require applications!) go to Idyllic Ideas. Pretty cool, eh?

A white man yells to a black man. "Hey colored boy! You're blockin my view."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black"
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
SOME PEOPLES NERVES, ESPECAILLY THOSE DAMN CAUCASIANS.

I've decided that if I'm going to smoke while I do everything, I should do it while writing. A lot of writers smoke. And they smoke while they write and drink coffee. While the coffee part always makes me gag, I do love to write. I've decided that I'm going to start sending pieces to magazines under pseudonoms and read it and giggle with pleasure. It's fun to have little secrets. ^_^ I'm also (finally) going to get some zooms for my camera so that I can finally take some good pictures. At school I am going to take a photography class and we get to learn to use a dark room. I want to have a dark room one day. It'd be fun and it'd make me feel artsy fartsy. Well...I'm going to watch Nickelodeon. Aaah....the joy of cable.

I lean my head against the glass and stare out the window, in a happy daze. The rain has just wiped everything clean and the air smells the way nothing else can except after a storm. The road gleams black and the trees are bigger than any I've ever seen except for on TV. My Dad glances back and smiles at me and I don't resist to smile back. Rachel sings along to Tool and Soundgarden on the cd I've burned her. Andrew is asleep against Susie's carseat and Susie is naming each of us in turn until we say something to acknowledge our names. Isn't it amazing how something you've resisted can turn out to be so beautiful. Everyone is so free. Sure, we still yell and people get angry, but it's so much easier when you haven't heard it the past ten years of your life. Have you ever felt like you belonged somewhere? I've always said I didn't want to come here, but I'm happy I have. My Dad isn't what my mother has always made him out to be. My mom's blanks are filled in by Dad and Rachel. Explaining a lot. Rachel knows so much and she is up to par on my life as much as Morgan and Alex. And they're my best friends. She knows all about me and I know a lot about her. I've become loose in my skin, like the whole time I was waiting to explode, but now I can relax. I sit, read, and smoke without shame. I get baby kisses daily that make you feel the only way being accepted and trusted by such a small person can make you feel. They understand me more than ever here. My blanks I leave are filled in with the words and ideas I never thought of and that others never though of. I'm not seen as a young girl gone awry here, I'm seen as a teenage girl who is secure and level-headed. Rachel is always amazed by my maturity and how easy we can all talk together. She was disappointed to find I won't be 18 until March, she was hoping to take me clubbing in December while in Texas. No one cares much about my past, because as it turns out, we're all like. And for something I've resisted so much, and as much as I miss home, I'm finally happy. I'm not so stressed. I can sleep naked again! And as the trees and fields blur together in a seventy-mile an hour watercolour, I think of how much fun this could be. I see the edge of Lake Superior edging between trees and the enormous buildings break out of the middle of the country-side and the bridges go out onto the water leading to who knows where(Canadia) and I feel like this is the perfect place to unveil my new realizations. To take my new steps. The lake looks like the ocean, ready to wash away my old impurities and sea gulls slap overhead. I think of everyone and everything I've left behind. In a way I think it's worth it. It's finding me. And if I had never left, who knows. I might still be waiting for certain people to change their minds. For some to come to me and declare love. I might be working at McDonald's trying to make ends meet just to stay somewhere I've always been. But that would be a step backwards. I've gone forward. You can't step in the same river twice.