My heart is dying...
it hurts sooo much...


I remember the summer I became obsessed with Martin Short. I watched every movie with him in it. I pined for him. Looked up everything about him. Taped him on the Jay Leno show. Well, now I have a more serious obsession, for it is split between two men..........*sigh*

I am madly in love with Johnny Depp and Shaun White. I only discovered my love of Johnny a few days ago when I practically orgasmed when I saw him on television. And now I burn, I pine, I perish...
And Shaun White...skateboarder, snowboarder, red-head...'nuff said. *High pitched half crazed giggle*

Oh God.....................

on my to do list...
done:
#4, 5, 8, 10, 13, 19

yeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

I understand crushes. Why? Because I get them every 8 seconds. I have them on almost every person I know. Girls too. But the girls are more in a "why can't you be a guy" crush way. I guess they're okay to have. They kind of hurt my heart though. Like you know when you love something so much...you feel like you're about to explode? I feel that way about so many things and people. I feel that way a lot. Some might say that's "THE" love. But I disagree. Because I feel it all the time. And I know when I'm in love. It happened once. I think that might be why I'm such an angry person. My heart hurts. I love so many things. From walking barefoot on green grass to going shopping with a lot of money to seeing my family. But it seems it hurts because it always goes away. People leave. Money dwindles. Grass turns brown and fades. The hardest I've ever tried to not cry was when my family turned in one direction and I turned in another; on our way to two seperate homes. I don't know. Just right now my heart hurts. 

Okay...summer is ending. Maybe not as fast as my friend's summers, but ending surely. The corn is getting high...people are mowing their grass at 8pm...all signs of summer ending. Here's my to do list before the end of summer (which is in about 2-3 weeks for me):

1) Call and get everyone's addresses
2) Watch really old movies. 
3) Fuck #2...I'll just have a movie night for myself. I'll turn my room into a personal Dani Lounge complete with candles, Mr. Tiger, my phone, blankets (lots of pillows and blankets!!) A stack of movies, new and old, a new pack of cigarettes, cookie dough, pretzels, chicken noodle soup, and pop (I CALLED IT POP! HA!) I'll gain 15 lbs. on that night.
4) Clean my goddamn room.
5) Get to some sort of climax in my book...it's losing speed.
6) Register for school. At some point. Before school starts preferably.
7) Begin jogging longer.
8) Give myself a bedtime other than 4am.
9) Finish my painting that's taken me 2 months to do.
10) Start on graduation presents.
11) Make lists of Xmas presents (sorry, children, no bday presents this year. Just Xmas.)
12) Wash my bookbag
13) Pick out clothes for the first day of school (Hey, it's a big deal, okay?!)
14) Stop using so many parenthesis (I do it a lot.)
15) Straighten my hair at least once.
16) Get my goddamn tattoo.
17) Stop calling everyone "fool".
18) Rearrange my room one last time.
19) Clean out my desk (I have a Van Halen cd case in there with no cd...there's a lot more like that.)
20) Discover a favorite coffee place that's close to the house or school and that opens before school starts.


Not much. Can do most in one day. I'll probably do it on Friday. Except the tattoo. I wanna do that this weekend or next week...I should have enough money by then....and a CAR!!! woo!!!!

I am ashamed.




I just got a myspace. I'm telling you what it is! Not until it's cool!!!

I just realized something the other day. I was talking to Morgan and it hit me: I'm a Senior. In less than a year I will be an adult. I will be entering the world on my own.
Now I know that all I can ever talk about is getting out...being on my own, yadda yadda yadda. But as the date edges closer all I can do is feel fear creeping along the edges of my mind. Soon I will be eighteen...well okay, not soon. But in seven months I will be a legal adult. I can buy cigarettes and porn. I can get piercings. Tattoos. Whatever. And wanna know something??? I'm scared fucking shitless. I want to rewind to 6th grade when I first went to Ste. Gen and do it all over again. Do some things different. Not associate with some people and not alienate others. I want to crawl into my Mom's basement and live there forever on chicken noodle soup, diet pepsi, green peppers, Family Guy, and Pee Wee. But I know I have to get out of that talk. Or I might do it. That would be bad. In the end I have plans for as soon as I turn 18 and a little before it:

-Make art portfolio
-Apply to Art Institutes of LA, Chicago, and San Fransisco.
-Apply to Columbia Chicago
-Once I'm 18 get a tattoo to commemorate it. A secret tattoo that few will know about.
-Pierce something.
-Buy a pack of cigarettes
-Buy a Playboy
-Skip a day of school after my birthday
-Graduate
-If accepted to a college first see if Morgan was in the same. Get with Morgan! Woo!
-Buy shiza ( I know that's not how to spell it, I just like it) for dorm.
-And....I don't know what else.
-Maybe go back to MO and grab morgan and travel a bit. I still wanna go NYC!

And that's all I got for now. And if you noticed...they're not very adult things. So there.

Quand j'ai lu que sur le wiki je presque ai ri dehors fort. Oh mon Dieu, il m'a rendu si heureux. J'espère vous manque votre période, et le prochain... et ainsi de suite. Alors vous aurez un petit bébé et il n'y aura aucune question quant à à ce qu'il ressemblera. Il aura les cheveux bouclés de blonde, yeux bleus, et un jour ont des verres. La seule question sera : sera-t-elle grosse ou mince ? Ainsi à la fin, je suis heureux. Je sais comment il se sent et si vous finissez vers le haut d'enceinte il serez meilleur que n'importe quelle punition I pensait jamais à. Et si vous défi obtenez un avortement... ces des moyens vous n'êtes pas vraiment dans l'amour. Et je vous détesterai pour toujours.

Update:

Now Andrew is hitting Dora with a Danielle Steel book while we listen to a techno remix of In the Halls of the Mountain King.

Another thing that makes me feel patriotic:

Watching Andrew kick the shit out of a stuffed mexican television character while we listen to 1812 Overture after watching V for Vendetta. While I shout things about mexicans and stupid british princesses. And smoke a cigarette and conduct with it.

If I conducted an orchestra I'd do it with a lit cigarette. That'd be a badass orchestra.

Okay...so I've come up with a potential name for the story I'm writing. But I want more to choose from...so I'll give you a general description and you can help me decide.

-The main character, Penny, is like the black sheep of her family. She feels like her mother and sister are trying to hard to be 'perfect' and want her to try, also.
-Penny is "anorexic" but doesn't think she is. She says that anorexics don't know what they're doing...she knows exactly what she's doing.
-Penny is a chain smoker (much like your's truly).
-Penny has sworn off relationships yet can't seem to stick to it. She tries to not flirt but continually gets her heart broke.
-Penny is a highschool graduate, and wants to travel before going to college. She moves to LA in her cousins summer house to work on paintings and writing.

I haven't quite gotten past this point. But I want the ending to be the not happy ending. Maybe not the "and she died" ending, but also not the "and she got her man" ending. I know I want her to end manless, still smoking, maybe eating more, but discovering she is loved and she should have realized it.

If this sounds a little like me, shut up...I know. But you're supposed to write what you know. Or at least that's what Harriet the Spy said.

Well...here is the title I thought of so far. But please! Send me more!

Cigarette Cinderella

meh....

Back in Minnesota...

I did my best to not cry while I was driving away...but it was hard. I watched my mom drive away in one direction while my bus went in the other and all I could wonder is "what are they thinking right now?"

It's cold. I told all of you...it's a hundred degrees there...I'd get here and it'd be freezing. And I was right. But at least I get to wear my bitchin new sweaters and stuff.

I finally get a car!!!! I'm so excited! I have something to drive to school instead of hitching a ride with Brad or going on the bus. Once I get it I have to ride around town though so I can figure out where the fuck everything is. I am also going to get a coffee mug and good coffee so I can be happy in the mornings. 

Now the only thing I wonder is....what should I wear on my first day?

Ich kenne ein Mädchen, das mich an cher erinnert, das, sie immer die Farbe ihres Haares ändert, aber sie verwende nicht nichts, das Sie am Speicher kaufen, sie ihr Haar reale Orange sein mag, sie Tangerinetangerine-Tangerinetangerinen benutzt

I am having way to much fun with babelfish...but more of my friends know German ^^

Approvazione, ora scriverò uno che è poco un più facile da capire. Realmente desidero elemosinare la mia madre lo ho lasciato venire a casa. Non sono realmente felice qui. Ma, lo fingo sono in modo che la gente smetta di preoccuparsi per me. Tutto che mi sentissi mai era 'io sono preoccupato per voi 'ed ora non desidero quello. Desidero appena andare ancora a casa ed essere normale. Qui sono come uno straniero. Provengo "dal sud". Lo elemosinano dire le cose un rid il mio accento. È superfluo. Rachel è occasionalmente il diavolo e Susanna sta andando ucciderlo, eventualmente prima che uccida Andrew. Amo il mio dad, ma non è mai intorno. Così non è molto differente da prima. Desidero realmente appena venire sede e rimanere domestico.


This one is in italian if you want to waste time to try and have it translated.

如此, 我無法得到我的頭在它附近。我真正地喜歡這個男孩仍然我知道他無法是我的。他曾經是但我現在不感覺連接在我們之間。我告訴他並且我們不談話為長期。它是好像他甚而不喜歡我。我祝願我從未會搬走。並且我知道這真正地不事關因為它不是像任何人可能讀這。或將嘗試。但它看起來整潔。我仍然愛亞歷克斯。

sweet...

Me and Kurt are over.

Like I told Morgan:
"One night stands from now on."

And I've had a few:
jason
keith
brandon
kurt

not bad

I need to quit smoking.

Excuse me while I go light this on the toaster...

DO NOT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHEN I'M DYING IN THE ABYSS!
JOHN! YOU'RE KID TRIED TO DROWNED ME WITH HIS FUCKIN DAFFY DUCK RAFT!

cleaning my room....
rearranging my room...
trying to find my cds...
trying to find places for everything...

all at 4am.
just like old times, eh?

everyone that knows me knows i'm up till 4 or 5 and sleep until noon. and if you wake me up i'll throw things at you.

yeah, remember spending the night at miranda's? and the michael jackson song w/macy gray and ozzy?

"geed me a scodge on throcksss-z...an a madini...evyboddy in da hod tub!"

"difference between FAKE ASS friends and REAL friends


FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"


FAKE ASS FRIENDS: never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."



FAKE ASS FRIENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out