Wow. First Sam calls me a hypocrite for being a liberal. (Note to self... I'm not a bisexual conservative...) And then Carrie calls me selfish for doing my best not to ruin Brittany's birthday party. And I can no longer boast a two-month cut-free period. Crap.

"I've heard the truth, Mulder, now what I want are the answers."
 - the X-Files
"You call that love? You loved her so much that she had to kill herself to get away from you!"
 - Sliders

Gods, but I love Sci-Fi.

My brain is overtaken, soaked in nostalgia like an overused, overwrung sponge. Hell, I don't know what to think. I wanted you last night, but I'm not sure if it was one of those tomes where I merely wanted what I couldn't have. Jealousy sucks. My upper torso aches, with stretched cartilage and broken heart.

There is another that I wish to speak with, about how tings will be in the future for us. I like him; I like him a lot, yet again I wonder if it is because I cannot have him. That's why I ask you, Nathan... you know me better than I know myself (or so it seems). 

I want what I fear; I crave what I cannot have. Why must I do these things to myself? 

The scar, now, is naught but a whilte line on my forearm, a simple but painful reminder of a past reality. I feel that, should I go back far enough into that past, I will find a brighter place, a place where my heart is in one piece. A place where I can love without hurting. 

Maybe the scars are the only way back. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of...

Well.. stuff is cool.... I think.

I've got a Yahoo! email and a hi5 account now. Go me.

Well, Tom Chaplin abso-bally-lutely kicks my butt. It’s not fair. He is so. Infinitely. More. Schway. Than I am. How sad. Of course, so does Tim Rice-Oxley, and Richard Hughes… maybe I should just sum up and say that Keane kicks my butt. 

“Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?”

We had our theatre workshop today for the spring play… and Caleb Shultz kicks my butt, as well. Another bit of unfairness. You know what makes him so infinitely schway? He’s a dude that uses the word magenta. And no, he’s not freaky-odd… he works in stage lighting. Otherwise he’d probably just call it pink like all the normal guys. He’d be weirdly attractive… If my body was performing that sort of function (which it currently is not). Sadly, although he is schway and single, he happens to be something like 22-ish… bit out’n me league. 

“This is the last time that I will show my face. One last tender lie and then I’m out of this place…”

We worked a lot on the stage today… we straightened out all the strange props and swept out the upper level and catwalk. Me’n Jessica were playing with the lekos… oops… heehee. Oh well. We’ve got some seriously crappy lighting up there… Caleb was complaining about it, and it was hilarious…”Our lighting system absolutely sucks… this light board, like, ten of the circuits don’t even work… but hey, at least it’s impossible to blow out the whole system when everything’s broken. You see this? We’ve got about three useless outlets for every single working one…”

“If only I don’t bend and break, I’ll meet you on the other side, I’ll meet you in the light, if only I don’t suffocate…”

We discovered a bunch of backdrops from previous plays… and a bunch of grass skirts and some plastic tiki men that we think were used for a show choir performance or something, years and years ago. There’s an old wheelchair and about 9 sets of stairs… and tons and tons of random bits of wood, fake stained-glass windows, orange plumes, refrigerator doors… not to mention TONS of graffiti. Some of it is actually rather interesting… but my name is the only name up there written in aqua permanent marker. How schway…

“I don’t know your thoughts these days. We’re strangers in an empty space. I don’t understand your heart. It’s easier to be apart…”

Can you picture me in an hour-long makeup class? No, I can’t either… naturally, I wasn’t looking at myself. But I did attend… and I was nearly bored to tears. They were talking about all these things, and I didn’t know what they were… or what they were used for. But it was my mum’s friend teaching the class, and she’s nice enough… maybe I’ll take a look at some of those books she mentioned, just so I’m not completely clueless. I mean, who knew mascara was for eyelashes? And who knew you shouldn’t keep it for more then three months? Not me, that one thing is for sure. 

You’re aching, you’re breaking, and I can see the pain in your eyes says everybody’s changing and I don’t know why…

I finally saw Rocky Horror Picture Show last night. Tim Curry absolutely kicked butt in that movie. The movie itself was stupid, yet funny… “Dammit, Janet…” heehee… and Frank’s whole “OH ROCKY!” schtick. Rather good… but also much fun when you read the Audience Participation Script (buwahahahaha). Truth to tell, some of they lyrics to some of the songs are rather good (just not Janet’s little “I wanna feel dirty” song with Rocky). I think we (my friends who go to this school and I) should learn the Time Warp in its entirety and perform it at the next school dance, after “Sweetheart”. 

Your eyes open and you know that it’s a lonely place that you have run to. Morning comes and you don’t want to know me anymore. It’s a lonely end that you will come to…

My sister had a basketball tournament today. She did rather well, even made a free throw (a skill far beyond my comprehension). She scored rather a few baskets, and I’m proud of her… ish. But I didn’t get to see it live. We’ve a digital camcorder… lucky us, eh? I wonder if I would be able to somehow configure it to double as a webcam… we shall see. Scissors are the most schway of all levers ever invented… except that one in Yellow Submarine where Ringo pulls that “leever” and turns Frankenstein’s monster into John Lennon. 

Lonely people tumble downwards and my heart opens up to you when she says she has no time for you now…

My parents are evil. As I type this, they won’t let me get online to check my e-mail (I type my diaries offline). Dratted ebil ones… humph! They’ll get theirs. Steal one of the few joys left in my life, will they?

I can’t stop now. I’ve got troubles of my own because I’m short on time. I’m lonely and I’m too tired to talk…

Striped socks, blue jeans adorned with safety pins, a Pink Floyd “Dark Side of the Moon” 1973 Tour t-shirt (obviously not vintage) under a grey Iowa Cross Country sweatshirt, also adorned with a safety pin and some spilled paint, in addition to my Pink Floyd “Dark Side of the Moon” hat, adorned with safety pin. I lurve how I dress. 

Can anybody find their home? Out of everyone, can anybody find their home? 
I think I’ve broken, now. Despite all the letters, despite the phone calls and the visits, the walks down the street hand in hand, the standing alone on the footbridge… I think we might have gone away. I think we’re done. I don’t want us to be done, because it’s not something I’ll be able to live with. The scar on my arm was beginning to fade, to disappear. In fact, sitting here right now, I can hardly see it, in the dim glow from the computer screen. 

Who ate your heart? You’re cold inside. You’re not the one I hoped for. I’ll see you on the other side…
The fact is that you’ve done it again, that my heart lays shattered like so much glass strewn about the floor. And it stings, now, because I have a mind-connection with one of my dearest friends, and her heart seems to be broken, too. So basically I’m nursing two broken hearts, and you’re responsible for one of them. Sometimes I think I hate you, but I don’t really. I don’t care what you do. We were meant for each other… wait. You wouldn’t even recognize that quote, or that song, or that artist… I start to wonder if we even are meant to be, much as we both want to believe it.
I know you think I’m holding you down. I’ve fallen by the wayside now, and I don’t understand the same things as you. But I do…
Every morning comes too soon, now, and I wish it would stay dark forever. That’s why I must retreat into the North, to avoid the light, to avoid the warmth, to avoid the day. I can’t live here, with or without you… I need to go, to escape, to get out from under the thumb of the authorities, to be able to express myself freely. Too fucking bad that’s allegedly one of my constitutional rights… pah. Rights. What tosh.
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you’re gonna let me in. I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin…
The Clash told me to know my rights… I guess I never really paid attention. Screw the law… Like you said, it’s a hell of a lot of highway. And I miss you… and need you… and a bunch of other things but my head and my heart hurt so much that the ocean is running down my face again in rivulets… I hate it… I hate it… oh, I hate everything so much… it has my soul…

The wind wouldn’t blow me home to lie in your heart of hearts. Will I ever see you again and lie in your heart of hearts? – Keane, “Untitled 1”, Hopes and Fears

Bizarre... I've been turned down... yet I feel better than I normally do. Interesting how things work sometimes.

Biology...thank the gods for it...

So many things have changed for me in the last few days. I don't really know why... but it could have something to do with me straightening things out with Tyler, and having the name Kiwi officially retired. 

I got my poem for English done, and my teacher is going to turn out to be okay after all, so it seems. 

Brandon is inexplicably adorable... I really don't understand it. I gave up trying to understand myself rather a long time ago, so... this is really no time to start. 

I changed Seb's Song of the Week... to one that I really, really love. Wait, I really, really love every song I put on there... oh well.

"So much wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away..." - Peter Gabriel, "In Your Eyes"

So. I got to spend half the day with Tyler yesterday... Grace wants me to ask him to Sweetheart... but I'm not entirely sure I want to go to Sweetheart, peroid... with anybody. I might go as friends with someone, but given recent events I'm not sure the more-than-friends thing would be something I could handle. 

My mum asked today could she borrow an hour of my time. I asked today could she borrow an hour of my time after this semester was over. She said yes. I love answering questions with questions. 

I totally did not screw my solo up... but I can't sightread. 

Tyler has beautiful eyes. 'Twas a good thing they had blinding lights on the stage, otherwise I would've gotten distracted by them and screwed my solo up. The stands at Olwein were purple, which I found amusing. 

I'm at Chelswyn's house... "working" on science. Actually, we're taking a break, cos we're nearly done with benchmark four. After this, just one to go! Vince called, to BRAG... who'dve thunk?

I talked with Ali on the phone for nigh on two hours last night... about anything and everything. Unfortunately, I was not really reduced to ash, swept up, and flushed down the toilet. 

"Nothing matters now, nothing matters now, nothing matters, oh yeah..." - Franz Ferdinand

So. See you all. 

So. I'm on again. I was depressed... until Brandon got online. I'm shaking up my second semester schedule... wahoo. Yeah. And, Sawie... if'n thou readest this... it's get loose. Lookin the lyrics you sent me.

So yeah. Here I sit, broken-hearted... and no, I can't finish that with "tried to S*** but only farted"... that's bathroom graffiti. I'm just broken-hearted and researching drugs for health class doesn't help. Learning about the dangers of drugs make me sad, and then I think about it... it's coming up on Andy's second anniversary. Well, it's this fall, but now I'm thinking about it all the time. So that, in addition to my current... feelings... about Aaron, and the weirdness about... well, changing sexuality. That's always odd, so I'm told... So my emotions are basically all over the place. Wait, that's not right... they're mostly down. Not all over the place. 

I missed Jazz Band this morning and now i've only got two rehearsals before contest... great. What's the betting that I die the day of competition because my heart breaks because I suck so bad? We heard the other Jazz band play and they're meg better than we are... DE-pressing. so. After school today I have to talk to Mrs. Temeyer and Mrs. Powell... and shove something under Ms. Chester's door... and give Danielle her CD at speech... and pick up my speech clothes... and then work on science at Chelsea's house until I decide I need to go home and do my Geometry homework... which I could be doing now... oh well. 

So yeah... let's just say I'm unhappy.

I think I'm deteriorating. I feel somehow that I've lost him, even though the rational part of my mind tells me that this is not so. The part of me that is not ruled by reason, the part that is wild and untamed, tells Rationale what it has known all along: on some level, my life is dependend upon my relationship with him. He was always someone who understood. I told him all those months ago that I wasn't leaving him because of anything he did, or any change in the way I felt about him. It's like in the song "Bottom of a Bottle" by Smile Empty Soul -- I needed some time alone to deal with issues. I was adapting to high school, dealing with new people... questioning my sexuality... lots of things. Now I've got it straightened out and it seems like he doesn't want to even really talk to me any more. There were probably ten words in that e-mail...

I wear the bracelet he gave me around my wrist. The band is made of leather, which is a big thing for a vegetarian like me. But he gave it to me, so I wear it, despite the fact that it's against my beliefs. Because the thing I believe in above all other things is love: more than freedom, more than justice, more than truth, more than music, more than vegetarianism. And now, whether it's the truth or not, he's stamped on my heart after ripping it out with bolts of lightning. He's cut it into little pieces and fed it to the dogs. 

I should just fall into the pit where the dogs lie. I should let them eat my flesh... if indeed even the dogs would have it. I would cast myself into the ocean for him, and yet he does not respond to that. 

I've been shattered.



































And yes, I've got a new poll.

Missing
All I understood
Waiting
To get back to good
Hoping
I don't disappear
Praying
I don't succumb to fear
Drowning
In the bathtub water
Turning
Cold is getting hotter
Freezing
Turn it all back down
Leaving
Now no one's around
Knowing
I have hit the floor
Knocking
On Death's iron door

The tears are cold
From the empty inside
Misery untold
Spawn of being denied

I didn't want him to leave
But in truth I let him go
No way I could decieve
But I needed time to grow

I hope tomorrow dawns
Before I lay my soul to waste
I know I can't go on
One last kiss I wish to taste

He radiates the chill
That's seeped into my bones
He's stolen all my will
I'm down beneath the stones

The tears are cold
From the empty inside
Nothing has been told
No more need to hide

Yes, I realize that I put two of the same entries on. It's artistic expression. Get over it.

So. It's a snow day. I'm going to Chelsea's house at 1 to work on the nasty science benchmarks... so I'll be off by then. I did some reasearch for my vegetarianism speech... way-hoo. I found some lyrics... I'm browsing allposters.com and hottopic.com for Green Day merch. My hands and feet are cold. My sister and her friend are watching Full House... Drew Tate is infinitely hotter than Frankie Muniz. I'm sorry. I finally get to watch the Labyrinth at Carrie's house. I updated Seb's Song of the Week

So. It's a snow day. I'm going to Chelsea's house at 1 to work on the nasty science benchmarks... so I'll be off by then. I did some reasearch for my vegetarianism speech... way-hoo. I found some lyrics... I'm browsing allposters.com and hottopic.com for Green Day merch. My hands and feet are cold. My sister and her friend are watching Full House... Drew Tate is infinitely hotter than Frankie Muniz. I'm sorry. I finally get to watch the Labyrinth at Carrie's house. I updated Seb's Song of the Week

Well, today was a total waste of... energy, i guess.
aah! my computer just eeped!

anyway...I printed off Zach's story. Zach is an amazing writer, despite what you think.

so yeah... i emailed people, i wrote things, i sketched things, i threw things... normal day... dadada....

and yeah. I like strudel. My mom had me convinced she was making strudel today but they turned out to be white chocolate macedamia nut cookies. Scary ones, too. 

I died, too. Yep.

The Kinks are a superfine band. Awesome. Pure rock gems, the lot of them. I've been listening to "Everyone's In Show Biz". Muy goodful song. 

And yeah. I'm about done. My life is severely boring...

I was attacked by two spiders today. I can still feel them crawling on my flesh...

You know what sucks? being caught stealing chocolate. 

And my thought for today.... perfection is caught most purely by listening to perfect music (Green Day, naturally) in a perfect situation (a bath) at the perfect temperature... although I suppose it might be more perfect if you were accompanied by a perfect person.... No, I am not dropping Tyler hints. Where did you get that idea?

Well, I've updated just about everything else... so ta-da! the Amazing Sebhar shall write in her diary!

Well, a lot of people from Manchester have joined recently... a lot of Cheerleaders *runs and hides* but also [D_Roberg] and [Natlek] and other assorted schwaydudes. but yeah.

also i have a tumor shaped like a trombone growing out of my left hip.

7 days until my christmas party... not even... and we've a room without drywall on its walls. I declare the situation nearly hopeless. 

I LOVE TYLER! ack! i put that on here? oh well. I guess I don't care who knows... but I most certainly was NOT staring at him during show choir practice... but he does look really good in black... CRAP!

Favorites:
( Color ) Really dark red... and black. 
( Animal ) platypus
( Vehicle ) Corvette Calloway Twin Turbo... take me to heaven!
( Flower ) Black Rose
( Beer ) root.
( Liquor ) eh.
( Soda ) ginger ale! YUM!
( Food ) Vegetarian Lasagna
( Book ) 'The Shining'
( Author ) Stephen King
( Band ) Green Day
( CD ) Dookie. By Green Day.
( Song ) 'Coming Clean'
( Movie ) Edward Scissorhands
( Director ) Tim Burton
( Country ) CANADA!!!
( State ) Happiness
( City ) Vancouver
( School Subject ) English
( Movie genre ) Horror
( Extracurricular Activity ) Dance Team and Marching Band! wOoT!
Do you:
( Color your hair? ) not anymore.
( Have tattoos? ) Sadly, no
( Piercings? ) two, in ears.
( Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? ) not at the moment
( Floss daily? ) oh aye
( Own a webcam? ) ach, no
( Ever get off the damn computer? ) more and more recently
( Sprechen Sie Deutsch? ) Deutsch? nope.
( Hablar Espanol? ) si
( Quack? Quack quack? ) *nods* quackity, quack, quack. Quack-quacken.
Have You Ever:
( Gotten a speeding ticket? ) Nope
( How fast? ) ---
( DUI? ) Nope
( Been in a wreck? ) yep
( Been arrested? ) ...
( Stolen a car? ) Nope
( Stolen anything? ) yep
( Smoke? ) no.
( Pot? ) nope.
( Crack? ) nope.
( Drink? ) er.... maybe...
( Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ) no
( Been so drunk you didn't care that you couldn't remember your name? )no
( Posed for nude pics? ) no
( Considered a life of crime? ) oh yeah.
( Considered being a hooker? ) no
( Maybe a pimp? ) no
( Cheated on someone? ) no
( Been married? ) will be soon... ;)
( Been divorced? ) nope.
( Split personalities? ) nope. whaddya mean 'nope' ?!?? i mean no. i dont. yes we do!!!
( Schizophrenic? )maybe....
( Obsessive? ) obsessive of what? ask my friends.. they know who...
( Compulsive? ) nope
( Obsessive Compulsive? ) no.
( Panic? ) heh.. i did today.. i actually had tears and everything.
( Anxiety? ) not alot
( Depressed? )More often than not
( Suicidal? ) not lately
( Homicidal? ) No
( Genocidal? )no
( Pedophile? ) no. thats just sick.
( Obsessed with hate? ) no
( Mutilate animals? )no
( Idolize infamous criminals? ) oh yeah. Geoffrey P. Dahmer was just.. THE greatest.*rolls eyes*
( Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? ) occasionally...
( Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? ) nope.

and my favourite quotes from A Hard Day's Night (the movie), my favourite line from the butterfly effect, various random websites, and a few good songs

He’d just rattle them at me, and in public, too. 
She looks more like him than I do. 
Don’t see many of these nowadays, do ya? 
They’re dead grotty. 
Well I’ll have a bash. 
There’s someone coming! Quick! Hide! 
Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong? 
Don’t cane me, sir, I was lead astray. 
My name’s Betty. 
No actually we’re just good friends. 
I now declare this bridge open. 
He hasn’t got a wife, look at his sweater. 
Turn left at Greenland. 
Are you a mod or a rocker? Um, no, I’m a mocker. 
What would you call that hairstyle you’re wearing? Arthur. 
Who’s that little old man? 
Keep Britain tidy. 
Look, it’s a bird! 
BOUGEOUS CLICHÉ
Hello, our lot, everybody happy? 
I’m a drummer, not a wet nurse. 
Sorry we hurt your field, mister. 
John hasn’t got any nerves. 
-A Hard Day’s Night

It must be nice to be so goddamn perfect. 
-The Butterfly Effect

www.rejectionhotline.com
www.paperweight.com
www.badgerbadgerbadger.com
www.superbad.com
www.greenday.com
www.seether.com
http://launch.yahoo.com/video/default.asp?vid=1110711&redirectURL=http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/default.asp?artistID1010787

Warbrain by Alkaline Trio
Need More Time by the Epoxies
To the World by Strike Anywhere
Heaven is Falling by the Ataris
Normal Days by Denali
The Expatriate Act by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
Jaw, Knee, Music by NOFX
Nothing to Do When You’re Locked in a Vacancy by None More Black
Sink, Florida, Sink by Against Me

Jack's Lament from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas
***********************************
There are few who deny
At what I do I am the best
For my talents are renowned far and wide
When it comes to suprises
In the moonlit night
I excel without ever even trying
With the slightest little effort
Of my ghost-like charms
I have seen grown men give out a shriek
With the wave of my hand .
And a well placed moan
I have swept the very bravest off their feet
Yet year after year
It's the same routine
And I grow so weary
Of the sound of screams
And I JACK..THE PUMPKIN KING
Have grown so tired of the same old thing
Oh somewhere deep inside of these bones
An emptyness began to grow
There's something out there far from my home
A longing that I've never known
I'm the master of fright and a demon of light
And I'll scare you right out of your pants
To a guy in Kentucky, I'm Mister Unlucky
And I'm known throughout England and France
And since I am dead, I can take off my head
To recite Shakesperean quotations
No animal nor man can SCREAM like I can
With the fury of my recitations
But who here would ever understand
That the Pumpkin King with the skeleton grin
Would tire of his crown, If they only understood
He'd give it all up, if he only could....
Oh theres an empty place in my bones
That calls out for something unknown
The fame and praise come year after year
Does nothing for these empty tears....
***********************************

From Stephen King's It

You can live with fear, I think, Stan would have said if he could. Maybe not forever, but for a long, long time. It’s offense you can’t live with, because it opens up a crack inside your thinking, and if you look down into it you see there are live things down there, and they have little yellow eyes that don’t blink, and there’s a stink down there in that dark, and after awhile you think maybe there’s a whole other universe down there, a universe where a square moon rises in the sky, and the stars laugh in cold voices, and some of the triangles have four sides, and some have five, and some of them have five raised to the fifth power of sides. In this universe there might grow roses which sing. Everything leads to everything, he would have told them if he could. Go to your church and listen to your stories of Jesus walking on water, but if I saw a guy doing that I’d scream and scream and scream. Because it wouldn’t look like a miracle to me. It would look like an offense.  -430

He knew that real loneliness was a smeary red: the color of the taillights of the car ahead of you reflected on wet hottop in a driving rain. â€“ 553-554

“Oh shit the time goes by,� –554

…the guy who had played with the Moondogs on Saturday nights and who had gone on to become a mathematics professor at Cornell would suddenly find himself on stage with the band, a Fender guitar strapped over his shoulder, whopping out “Gloriaâ€? or “Surfin’ Birdâ€? with gleeful drunken ferocity. What was it Springsteen said? No retreat, baby, no surrender… but it was easier to believe in the oldies on the record player after a couple of drinks… - 575

…in the end he had outgrown the nightmares that were on the dark side of all those laughs… - 576