[Sebhar]'s diary
[11-27] Snatches of song... "I wish I had a metal heart..." "So kill me with the love that you won't give to me..." "I don't want to wake up on my own anymore..." "I'll be leaving soon..."
Written about Saturday 2005-11-26
Written: (6937 days ago)
[11-15] Mass confusion. Who the devil am I, anyway? And what the devil do I want?
COLD FEET! erlack.
Ouch! This isn't good.
Ow. Love. Confusion. Ow.
I got a little tired of never being called
Yeah I got a little sick of always being stalled
And that is why I said that "we should just be friends.
Go on, baby, get on home; this is where it ends".
And to tell you the truth, I got tired of the lies,
And never knowing what to do to get us to survive
Thanks for finally getting me to open up my eyes
I don't think you're worth it and that's really no surprise.
You said I broke your heart, and maybe that was true
How come, though, you never ever told me, "I love you"?
It was shit like that which made me call and tell you we were through
Seems to me that was the practical thing to do
And to tell you the truth, I got tired of the lies,
And never knowing what to do to get us to survive
Thanks for finally getting me to open up my eyes
I don't think you're worth it and that's really no surprise.
Now a year has gone and you've written me to say
That you miss me? need me? kiss me? thought of me today
You've met my new boyfriend, now you realise it's true
That I never ever would have run away with you
And to tell you the truth, it's really no surprise
There never really was a way to get us to survive
Now today I'm really glad I opened up my eyes
I couldn't make you worth it and that's really no surprise.
"Heal my heart and drown my woe." - Billy Boyd
I love him so much that I cried last night.
Crazy.
Now I think about it, I've never cried for any male-related reason before. EVER. Not even when Bush got re-elected.
"Oh, I gotta see you..." - Jimi Hendrix
[10-22] Mmmmkay, updated blogs below... Hawks won, yay; Hawkeyes lost, boo/hiss. I'm tired. Huzzah. Finished "The Stand" by Stephen King... good book.
[NEW SONG!!!!! YAY!!!!!] at http://green-d
[10-20] Had a lovely conversation with Justin today.... heehee, he's a funny kid... Chem and Spanish tests tomorrow... eew...blogs haven't been updated... well maybe they have... you expect me to remember? I love you Jim!
Random diary entry. I felt like I was neglecting it. *brushes cobwebs from corners* I'm working on a new story, working title "Karas" involving...we
[8-12-05] "You knows I loves you..." Party at Derek's tonight. I need a ride home! *pout* I miss Canada as well. Parade tomorrow in Ryan.. erlack. I'm in Dubuque at the moment, so I'm-a go be socialish. Bya!
STRUDEL WILL WIN! Buwahahahaha..
Mmmkay. Since I'm a slut, allegedly, I think I can tell all in safety now. Girls, your "friend" Hannah is a lesbian, so proved with the assistance of two of her friends of varying genders. Thank you very much. The test I ran proved negative on the guy and positive on the girl; being that intimate and "slutty" with a guy proved to not arouse me in the slightest. Thank you guys for your unwavering support of my sexuality. And I was so happy from camp, I had new friends I wanted to show you. I hope you can see it from my end of the tunnel and I can still make you guess how old Evan is.
Chelsea, if you read this: I really wish you wouldn't have used my name on the internet, or you'd talked to me on the phone. Without the help of your blog, I wouldn't have known who Carrie was talking about. But, FYI, I have my period right now and I have yet to lose my virginity and never intend to lose it to a male, so I don't know how I got pregnant. Maybe an incubus? Right.
7-20-05] I've figured out who Pink in The Wall reminds me of... Dan/[Disconnection]! I've posted some of my blog addresses below...
OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO MOLLY'S TOMORROW AND THEN TO CANADA FOR BAND CAMP! *dies*
What shall we use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk?
I love Pink Floyd... *death*
[7-19-05]: Insomnia is not a sign of serious mental illness or depression, no matter what mum says. Now, if she'd notice some of my other odd behaviour, then maybe she'd have good reason to think I'm crazy...
[Fourish days until band camp!]
[7-18-05]: I think what I think and sometimes I can't help what I feel, so I have to feel what I feel. Certain people rankle with me, rub my fur the wrong way... or they would if I had fur. Some are fictional characters, some are real people, some are shadows (i.e. mine). But really, asking my opinion and then going around and telling me that my OPINION... my personal thoughts, my perceptions that are neither right nor incorrect... are wrong. Man that gets on my nerves.
Fiveish days until band camp!
--that's from yesterday, note the note at the top.
It just so happens that between the rich pretty boy who has it all and the tortured artist, I'd pick the tortured artist. And that's the way I am, not me trying to be cryptic or misunderstood.
Hm. I've been alienated from the male bit of the human race for awhile. He (who shall remain unnamed) has changed so much that I'm estranged from male affection, at least for the time being.
www.livejourna
An old poem, started months ago, finished two days ago. Comments appreciated. *NICE ONES, CONSTRUCTIVE ONES, otherwise I'll poke you.*
The way you looked today,
Eyes of purest blue to accent the barest sprinkling of freckles
Skin like snow, soft and smooth
But warm
Inviting
The look in your eyes
Those eyes of sapphire.
I caught it
For once, I caught a glance that you sent me
I hold it tight to my chest
The way you sound
How you make the air twirl
It does your every bidding because it saw your eyes
It felt your hands as you caressed the living metal
You created the music
Your music
The movement
Fluid but sure
Deliberate and always premeditated
For some reason, never despondent
When I am around
I want you to trust me enough to show me your despondent side
The small talk you make
You communicate with your eyes quite often
Those eyes like azure Alaskan skies
Eyes that meet mine when we talk
When neither of us is too shy to look at the other’s soul
Your soul takes the will to be out of mine
The steps you take
Walking, stately yet meek
The way we carry on, we might as well be strangers
But when you walk or look or make music or move or talk
I just cannot help myself
I don’t comprehend, sometimes
The way you make me feel
Like I would change myself for you,
Like I would do anything just to have you;
To have you, to hold you, to have those jewel-laden eyes for my own
To look into, to admire, to wonder at
The craft and care that went into your creation
The way you laugh
How your eyes are merry all the time
The kind of look I’d expect in a kind person
But you are a mischievous elf
Waiting to cause mayhem
But hopefully not for me
I love how you show off, driving with no hands on the wheel
Tackling difficult melodies and complex rhythms
Yet when spoken to, you are modest, gentle, reserved
And I’ve yet to see that despondent side.
I realized recently that I want more than anything to touch you
To touch your hair
Hair the poetic shade of Dawn’s first light
Gold like so many Spanish coins
Living gold, like the tools you use to make your music
Hair is music
Music is gold
Gold is God
God is you.
I would like to place my hand on your chest and feel your heartbeat.
Your eyes, your lightly freckled skin.
Your eyes, your glance.
Your eyes, your music.
Your eyes, your movement, your lack of despondency.
Your eyes, your small talk, your soul.
Your eyes, your walk.
Your eyes.
Your eyes, your creation.
Your eyes, your laughter, your mischief.
Your eyes, your ego, your hair.
Your eyes, your heartbeat.
There are days when I don’t think I can live without that heartbeat.
---man, I'm glad I'm over him... I'd be so hopeless!---
Spamalot is such great fun to listen to. If you like comedy (esp. Monty Python) or theater at all... just listen to the soundtrack. It was like the best musical at the Tonys... total surprise. But go for it, seriously, it's hilarious.
Filarious, even.
Logan is spooky. Like, *waves arms around* whoa.