"Can you see me?"

"Here I come baby. Comin' to GETCHA. Ow! Foxy lady..."

"It suddenly struck me... I just might die with a smile on my face after all."

"By the river, holding hands. Roll me up and lay me down..."

So.

Busy typing essays.

The one based on my last entry, and one on the Picture of Dorian Gray. Also some Government stuff I want a head start on, and some other assignments for my archives.

Portion of a project for English III with Mrs. Kramer...

"In English class, my third and final year of high school, the opportunity rises from the woodwork of my mind to prompt me gently to put pen to paper and complete the circuit of thought. As I leave this place, this place I have loved and hated, I take a monumental step toward the physical abandonment of my childhood. I need a way of keeping in touch with my past, other than scrabbling to hold onto the fleeting treasure that has been my youth. I've decided to make note of my reflections on life so far, so that I may refer back to pubescence and prepubescence as I see fit in the years to come. 

In reflecting back upon these last fifteen years, I can see small events, insignificant at the time and now ripened to full fruitfulness, having their effects on my life and my soul. I see people who played small roles in my life before coming to realise the full potential of their characters in my epic story. I see brushes on shoulders or quick smiles bearing long-term results. I see actions I deemed infinitesimal showing consequences - good and bad - in my everyday life here in the present.

I still do not know myself. Perhaps I never will. But I feel that somehow, in everything I experience, all I create, and everyone I meet, that there is a piece to the puzzle which, when put together at long last, will show my entire identity.

I still can come up to my own private room and be. The scent of candles, the rigid order diffused by cluttered collections of books and papers and bric-a-brac: these are who I am. In my room, I am the Queen. Everything occurs as is my whim. So it is written, so it is done - so feeds my ego. I experience the best in my room - the most exhilirating highs, the torturous terrors, deepest understandings - through throught and book and music.

At the present moment, I am very excited, yet also frightened. My future looms large in front of me, pulsating slightly and pregnant with promise, beckoning to me with one undeniable finger. Dare I reach that potential? Dare I not?

Always I want to be free. I want to experience everything worth experiencing, and to learn from each experience. Never do I want to be hindered by anything - commitments, emotions, myself. I've got to be free, to do what I want, to be who I want. I need to go where I like and wear what I like and be all that I can possibly be.

I am afraid of that future, though, so undeniable and yet somehow so out of reach. It seems like I am being pulled through some inner space, hurtling toward it, propelled by its inescapable gravity. Can I survive the impact? And what if I miss it and simply go into orbit, with my bright, glowing future forever just out of reach? Will it haunt me, then? I am certain it will. So again, I ask myself... Dare I? Dare I not?

Spare me from mediocrity. Permit me to at least leave behind one thing that can influence someone, somewhere. If one person can see my work and find a piece of themself inside it, then I will not be mediocre. I will have achieved all that I want and need to achieve, and I shall rise above the shadows of my youthful doubts and my soul will know peace.

I think I would like to call myself a dragoness, invincible (or nearly so). Cunning and creative, I would like to be, with an unrivaled appreciation for beauty in all its forms, not just the physical. Indeed, I possess many qualities of a dragoness already. I collect things; I create and I have the power to destroy. When I fight I can be a vicious rival - with my pen, of course. Can I ever exhibit the graceful strength that is dragonflesh? I hope something like that is within that blindingly bright future I've got coming.

Sometimes I try to exceed myself, though this has never been a productive action. I can only do what I can do; pushing myself beyond my limit has done nothing but backfire, leaving me worse off than I ever was before. I need to make notes not to inhibit myself by trying to be more than I am.

Never, never, never will I reach a state of mediocre apathy so acute that I never contribute anything to society. This is my one great hope, and a vow to myself. I will stand alone on the bridge, yes, if need be, and I may have to let the river flow beneath me, but if I can do one thing to clean that polluted flow I shall do so.

I am continually more aware of the power which chance plays in my life. While I personally do not believe in it, others do - many others in fact. They speak of coincidence, of the odds, the improbabilities. I speak of fate, of predestined events. People think this is odd because I do not believe in a god or even a higher entity. Fate for me is the higher power in our lives. Some call it God, some call it Allah, there are even some who call it Satan, but I feel the finger of Fate on my temples, especially as I come to realise the small events of the past only now revealing the major roles they had and will have in my life.

I am afraid. I feel uncertain. There is that future, always, oh-so-persistent, with all its potential for glory and its potential for my destruction. Which shall I be? Glorified or destroyed? Am I always to feel a weight attached with my future, or will I someday master it? All these questions ricochet around my mind, and all I can do is hope that one day they will be answered.

Oh, I love living! I love being who I am in every possible way! I love the changes I've been through, and how they've shaped everything I've become. I love the potential I have, the opportunities, like open doors waiting for me to cross their thresholds and explore the wonders beyond! I love the thrill of the uncertainty, of the hunt, of the race. Where will I go? Who will I be? Oh the wonderous possibilities of it all!

I am committed to furthering myself, for the moment. I want to land on that future of mine and harness it - then whoop with joy as it takes me for a ride. Until then, though, I must prepare myself for that moment where I come fully into my own. What better way is there than exploring my interests, my abilities? I feel like I've made a tremendous start, but that there is still a long road ahead of me. So I'll strap on my walking shoes, heft my pack onto my back, and step onto the road, with my heroes and role models for company. To paraphrase Tolkein, who knows where I'll be swept off to?

Song: The Difference
Artist: the Wallflowers

One, two boys by the river
Down by the water
Tellin' riddles in the dark
With fireflies under the moonlight
Carvin' the insides of a tree with a knife
Ever hear the one about the boy's big sister
His best friend come along
He tried to kiss her

Chorus:
The only difference
That I see
Is you are exactly the same
As you used to be

One boy lives in a tower
With bow and arrow
And the artificial heart
With his girl
Maid of dishonor
He loaded the cannon
With a jealous appetite
They say that children now
They come in all ages
And maybe sometimes old men die
With little boy faces

(chorus)
repeat

You always said that you needed some
But you always had more, more than anyone

(chorus)
repeat

Thumbtacks come in a variety of intriguing colours, you know.

Having [chasingpeace] over always increases the cleanliness of my bedroom. Amazing.

Styrofoam packing peanuts are a mystery.

"Say the word; your wish is my command."

Oh Freddie.

The world's going to the dogs without you.

Run Dmc - Roots, Rap, Reggae Lyrics
(feat. Yellowman)
Reggae!
Rrrroots, rap, reggae!

[runelord]
.. and we don't stop
It's like that y'all, and then we're ready to play
It's no jive, it's live, and it's reggae

Roots, rap..

[D.M.C.]
My homeboy Jay, don't scratch reg-gae
So listen to Jam Master as the Master start to play
(and when he go) just check the show
(cause they scratchin with the) toe
(and even his el)-bow! (HA!)

Rrrroots, rap, reggae!

[YellowMan]
Stomp your feet, clap your hand
At the microphone is King Yellowman
In Jamaica, I'm the champ-i-on
This is roots, rap, reggae! Ha ha ha, rip it
Roots, rap, reggae!
Hotta.. 'otta.. 'otta reggae music
'otta.. 'otta.. 'otta reggae music
'otta.. 'otta.. 'otta reggae music
I know we know that reggae is sweet
Reggae music is rap to de beat
Clap your hands an' stomp your feet
Roots, rap, reggae!
Roots, rap..

[runelord]
Now party people I'm so happy, don't know what to do
Cause I'm an MC with the rhyme, and down with the crew
Rock from Africa to France and the Kalamazoo
And every place that I play, I hear a YAY not a BOO
And now a party not a party and a jam ain't a jam
less D is who he be, and I am who I am
Or Jay is just the DJ cuttin for the two
And it's the three of us, baby and we're doin the do

[YellowMan]
Five plus five, equal to ten
Everywhere I go I've got a lot of girlfriend
Music is sweet, music is nice
Yellow 'ave about twenty-four wife
It's roots, rap, reggae! Ha ha ha
Roots, rap, reggae!
Don't drink alco-'ol, don't snort cocaine
Reggae music is not so strange
Know de cocaine will 'urt up your brain
This is roots, rap, reggae! Ha HAH!
Roots, rap, reggae! AIIIIYY SIAH!
It's roots, rap, reggae!

...yeah.

Dorian Gray. Wow.

"Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have shown in it the secret of my own soul."
-- Oscar Wilde

I'm madly in love with this book. Beware, it will ensnare you! I find that I am enamoured of so many of the quotes from this book. Beware multiple quotes to follow!

Also, [Draymond] is on vacation. I recently realised that no one much messages me. Ker-phoo.

Day Three of My Imprisonment (aka school)

Nothing much to report. Marching rehearsal at 7 a.m., then freshmen leaving for their "retreat". This really didn't affect me as the only class I really have any freshmen in is Band, and I'd already seen them in the morning. So first hour passed with a few interesting quotes a la Mr. Coates, second hour resulted in the filling out of a massive survey (which I might post here if I get bored enough). Band went as well as could be expected, then tacos for lunch (and making faces at Keaton, which was entertaining). Then my independent study was spent in the air-conditioned library doing my Government homework because my teacher was chaperoning the freshman retreat... and then Government. Which was also as good as could be expected.

Speaking of Government, I have a paper to write after reading an article. Ciao!

Rundown on School So Far:

DAY ONE:
Went to French I. Learned how to say "hello" while noticing that my schedule was really screwed up. Spent second period discussing how to fix my schedule with the TAG coordinater, then went to band. After band I wandered around for the period that I didn't have anything scheduled (due to weirdness), then sat in Modern American History until school was over. After that, I went and got my schedule changed, discussing options and collecting signatures so I could enter classes way over their limits already.

DAY TWO:
Started with World Cultures, which I have with Molly and a few other people of note, taught by Mr. Coates... behold, the Coates Quotes shall expand! Second came English III, also with Molly and a massive amount of other people of note. Then band, then lunch at the normal time, followed by Physics skinny and ending with Government, in which there was a giant bee and a bunch of seniors who were angry at having a junior in their class. (Alex and Nicole didn't mind, nor Mercedes or Dave. Turns out live works okay.)

Now for an ortho this afternoon yet, followed by LOADS of homework. Yay.

Bandness

I'm really cold.

No, like really.

Physically.

Spiritually.

Mentally.

I can't feel my mental fingers.

The tip of my spiritual nose is numb.

My physical arms have goosebumps.

It's the weirdest thing.

All of my thoughts seem to have a line break between them.

It's odd.

I'm also slightly damp.

Asthma's been kicking in.

I'm fighting off all the old habits using a twice-baked potato instead of a bowl of ice cream or a beer or blood from my own arm.

Because I'm trying to keep it together.

Trying as hard as I can.

I don't know who I'm trying for, though.

[-=DAILY BIT=-] a little bit about my day
[8-16-06]
[*] Second-to-last day of work! (I love this countdown.)
[*] Center Stage = movie. Indeed.
[*] I... LOVE KEANE! "We might as well be strangers..."
[*] All right, take the poll, I know you haven't.
[Note for Erador] Ooh, a workable plan!

[8-15-06]
[*] Third-to-last day of work! (I love this countdown.)
[*] Grr, Ellen, turn off the TV!
[*] I... LOVE KILL HANNAH! "I don't know now what to do, I don't care, I need ten more minutes with you..."
[*] All right, take the poll, I know you haven't.
[Note for Erador] *crosses fingers* This weekend! *knock on wood*

[8-14-06]
[*] Fourth-to-last day of work!
[*] Finally, some reasonable weather.
[*] I... LOVE HOOTIE! "No one's listening to me, not even the trees..."
[*] All right, take the poll, I know you haven't.
[Note for Erador] wake up, sleepyhead! (not that I have any room to talk

[8-13-06]
[*] Carrie's car was disgusting. I heart Armor All.
[*] Cassi makes me happy. "I saw the back of Weird Al's head!"
[*] I... LOVE LED ZEPPELIN! "we come from...the midnight sun..."
[*] All right, take the poll, I know you haven't.
[Note for Erador] Hope you had fun being wet!

[8-11-06]
[*] Happy belated birthday to [Miss.Kayree]!
[*] Stephen King makes me happy. Four Past Midnight Quotes
[*] I... LOVE KEANE! "I fall upon the earth, I call upon the air, but all I get is the same old vacant stare...."
[*] Have you taken my poll yet? *eyes suspiciously*
[Note for Erador] *yawn* I'm sorry I'm so tired!

Keane - Crystal Ball

Who is the man I see
where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
under the iron sea.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Lines ever more unclear,
I'm not sure I'm even here,
The more I look the more I think that I'm
starting to disappear.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong,
So put me where I belong.

I don't know where I am,
and I don't really care,
I look myself in the eye,
there's no one there.
I fall upon the earth,
I call upon the air,
but all I get is the same old vacant stare.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong,
So put me where I belong.

*sigh*

[8-7-06]
[*] Jaws is a great movie, and Richard Dreyfuss makes me smile. 
[*] EVAN CALLED ME TODAY! You have no idea how cool I felt! ...he got a copy of Never Mind the Bullocks on vinyl in good condition for fifty cents. Ergo, I'm moving to Bismark. Or at least visiting.
[*] I... LOVE AGAINST ME! "Panic was lost in a deep understanding..."
[*] Have you taken my poll yet? *eyes suspiciously*
[Note for Erador] I'm trying to picture you partially bald and not having any success. Maybe photo editing is needed...

That also makes me giggle.