DROWNING
My whole world is just a mess
Out in the rain.
Only half dressed.
I look at the sky
You wont see me cry.
Because you will think its just the rain.
There is something about this pain.
It hurts, It screams.
But it wont change.
I hope your happier than you were with me
Someone should be happy,
Because it isnt me.
I cant see my life without you
It doesnt matter what i do
My life is gone. Within a shadow
I dont mean to shake and quiver.
I dont mean to give in to my fear
But you made my world just dissappear.
How could a single guy hurt me so bad?
See everyday it makes me sad.
But I will try and get over you.
I dont know how but its something I must do.
Its so hard to be strong.
To hold in the pain, Like nothing is wrong.
I dont want the pity people will give.
So i act like nothing has changed
But instead I've been hanged.
Your cutting off my airway.
Just by what you said.
It kills like a bullet to my head.
I always asked you to be open up.
You chose the moment when my spirits began to rise.
I would have rather heard a bunch of lies.
Im at rockbottom and i cant stand up
I try so hard but in truth I've givin up.
You might see me crawl and stand
But im really suffocating, searching for land.


I love this poem so much. It tis the best I have ever created. I write so much better when my life is fucking hell

Memories
Feelings
All Begin To Fade

Thoughts
Discussions
Debts Never to Be Repaid

(In the working..)

My Life



My lifes a bitch

it seems like hell

everyone has me convinced

i have to do well




my lifes a bitch

i wish i'd die

i try to hide it

i try to lie




everyones telling me

i'll be just fine

but at the end

the blade will be mine




my lifes a bitch

from the people im around

expecially my fucked up family

who thinks im the clown




my lifes a bitch

i know for a fact

that your the only person

that keeps my life in track




KLK

Maybe It Was You
Maybe It Was Me
Maybe We Are
No Longer Meant To Be

Maybe You Think Of Me
Maybe You Dont
Maybe You Care
Maybe You Dont

Maybe I Care
It Doesnt Matter
If You DOnt

Because Its All About
The Maybe's
Its All About You Baby..

Eekkkkkkkkkk... I was recording a cd and I was listening to it. My dad walked in and said that he had that song on a cd.
I blurted out"What the Fuckkkk??"
And He said" excuse me??!???"
me-"Umm.Nothing"
See, im not allowed to cuss infront of him. It slipped. Crap.. Yea know..Im 18.. i should be allowed to say thast infront of him, I mean, I say it anyway..Just when he's n ot around. I say it when Im with my mom, she doesnt care. Grrr.. I guess I should complain...For some reason he is spoiling me right about now. Thing is, i have No idea why. He never EVER spoiled me..I dont get it..Not that Im complianing..CAsue Im NOT. Definatly not..Its just weird..But GOOD..but...weird..
Okay. THats It for my diary entry. No one is on now and this is my closest thing to a somebody...so.yes...
Oh.. And I was told Im hott today...But one of my friends...thats a girl..(she's Bi) But I haven never been told im hott by a girl before...Kinda made my day. well, i guess something also made my day.
My mom called me from ark and told me that my paycheck came..only Im not getting paid what i thought. I thought I was getting paid 5.50 an hour(I work a $40 hr week.and Min wage here is 5.15) well, on my paycheck she told me that they only paid me for 56 hours...and that Im getting 7.00s a hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yays! Plus Im getting 2 paychecks.. The one they got in the mail today was for...*pauses for dramatic effect*..$391.00 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
( I work at the state revenues office but i got a job there by a WIA program) anyways, Im getting paid $7 an hour and I have another paycheck coming! 40 hours x $7
LMFAO!!!
Gee, Right about now I want to rub it in my ex's face!!!!! I know he is a loser..But I love him anyway. The feeling that Me and him were meant to be is wearing off..lil by lil...
okay...I guess Im done ranting..

Dont Tell me What you want
cause I dont give a fuck.
Your words run through my mind
yet not given a second thought.

Dont even say a word
all you say sounds obserd
do you think Im so blind?
To let you waste all my time?

Just go Away
Dont bother
Dont Stay
All You say goes over my head
Just listen to what was Just said

      Honesty

Random words running through my head
You'd get lost if ever tried and said
Theres a path you must find and follow
Learn it well, For it is hollow.

You will never know
You'd think im a hoe
For the things i have done
its all because he has won.

I kissed a few
some had not a clue
That it meant exactly nothing
My attraction toward them,
I was only bluffing.

I know im wrong
But im no longer strong
I dont care what people say
Ever since that one fine day

I now pretend
only to make mends
from what you did to me
He's the only one that I see

Im not a slut,
perhaps a hoe
there are so many things
you just dont know.

So just dont judge because its you I blame.
Your the one that won that Game
I wasnt ready
Keep it steady

Let the game begin
I know I can win
I'll make you lose
You wont have me
I wont be the one to soothe

I dont know you
I cant see you
But I hear you
Your words make me smile
I turn away from the vile
Of my life
You let me escape
To another world
One of fantasy and pleasure
overides over all
Makes you twitch, tumble and fall
Into a world where you belong
Your strong
Nothing can go wrong
Until you leave the world behind
and return home
and feel like you will always be
all alone.

I dont need to hear what you say
Instead
I have an idea
Just go away

But see, heres the thing.
you dont say a word,
But its all the thoughts that you bring.

Why wont you release me
From your head?
I think I deserve it
After the things that were said

Sooner than a century
more than a year
When I think of you
There will be no more tears.

So A day across the other day
I'll see you in another way
Times Flashing forward now.
Forgive me If I dont bow

Sooner than a century
More than a year
There will come a day
when you want me back.

Sooner than a century
More than a year
There will be a day
When No is what I'll say.

        Empty
resting in a sweet coma
Close my eyes and release the pain
Let go of life for all the strain

Empty as a winters cold
my thougths will freeze as you hold
Empty as a darkened soul
I have thoughts you'll never know
I feel like im dying in your grasp
The flames inside are smoldering at last
I dont have the will to survive
Give me a reason to be revived

     Games
Sometimes I just start shaking
in and out, you see
Or is it really true?
That you dont see me?
I feel so alone.
No one to call
Just pick up the phone
Tell me that you wont go away
I need you.
Just tell me you'll stay.
But I can read your mind.
Your thoughts are frozen
No longer aligned.
You cant see me at all
You have withdrew me from your thrall.
Why can I see you,
But you cant see me?
What have I done?
Why is this a game?
A game where I lose and you have Won?

I am Getting so SICK and TIred of guys telling me they love me when they dont. I know that they dont loove me. They hardly know me. Eric tells me that He loves me. That he would Die for me. He's so full of it. I have known him for what? 3 years? The entire time of knowing him, He has never gotten to know me. Never! I used to kinda like him. But Now, I just think of him as a joke. When I liked him, i was invisable. Now that i look a bit better and everything, Now I am "beatuful..So sexy, I love you!" Ha!
Just because I have changed a bit he's all trying to get with me. no matter how sweet he is, He must know that i will never do what he wants. And believe me, I know what he wants. He wants Sex. And he's just not going to get that from me.
And lets see here, ANother guy who told me he loved me. John. John cant love me. I think he likes to argue so much that he has convinced himself he loves me. See, When i went to school with him, All me and Him would do is argue. He would insult me, I would insult him. But I meant what I said to him because I really dont like him. he gets on my nerves talking like he knows everyting and anyone who comes up to him with a different opinon just has to be wrong. Then We talk later and he tells me he loves me and everthing. Its not possible. I was a bitch to him! Literally! There is no way that he love me for me. If he loved me then we wouldnt argue and fight when ever we talk. Grr..
Guys are so fucking fake. For the last 2 weeks, Almost everyguy that i m either friends with or i know has been telling me Im either "sexy" , "Beautiful", or "hott"
And everytime they say it i think "LIAR!"
A part of me wants to hear it and believe it, But i think they just want to get laid. I mean. THats fun but i dont want to hear promises of things like that. I dont want to hear " Oh jessica! I will never leave you. I love you so much. You are so hott"
Guys who think that will work on me have another thing coming. All I think Is they are so full of shit and it goes in one ear and out the other.
Dont guys know that? How can they possibley think that will work? Do they really think we are all ignorant bimbos who think they actually love us?
Boy, Do they have another thing coming..

DOWN FALL
I dont wanna be who i am
I dont want to wait around for someone to love me.
You find the guy, you wanna spend the rest of your life with.
All is clear.
All your doubts and fears just disappear.
And when the one you love leaves,
You'll cry on the floor cause it just hurts to breathe.
When time flies by, you wont know why.
Everyday is pain, Nothing will be the same.
Because you left me alone.
(For another girl)
I know you can hear my song
(deep down)
Because all I see is you.
(I remember you and the things you did)
I know what i have to do, but my heart wont let me.
Dont tell me crying wont solve anything.
Because its things I already know.
But you walked away
Please Dont go.
I dont want to be in this world without you by my side.
But all day I Keep it inside.
No one knows of my pain.
How I lock the door And the world around me rains.
To you, I can say goodbye.
But in my heart Its a lie.