okay. Im going to tell you. What Happened. EWveryone seems towant to know. and Its starting to become a hassle writing it down so much. Plus it makes me relive it someho. It brings me down a couple notches because i still love him. I feel that me and him are still meant to be. Its fading...Slowly but sh=urely..Fading..
But ya wanna know who fucked me up? You wanna Know who waas the one guy I loved/Love? The One guy that can rip my life apart like no other guy has done? Oh. And the Guy who all those poems/songs are about..HIM..His Name Is Kris..:
He changed. When he propsed to me he asked me to wait for him because he was leaving to North dakota for a while. But Iwas going to come up there or he was going to come back. I waited for 3-4 months and then he told me he was coming back down and he couldnt wait to see me. that he had a surprise for me and it turned out he was the surprise. Then a week after he told me that I told him the truth. That I was afraid to love him to his face. I told him everythng that i hafd been hiding. That Night was the first time i went on webcam with him since he was outh there. and then next night.. He broke up with me. He told me that he met someone else...and that she told him to tell me that night. so he did. The relationship obviously didnt work out but ...yea..I still love him. I asked him why did I go on webcam if he was going to break up with me. ADn he told me" a last time thing"

ok. Last night I was told "you however...draw the line between hot and...seraphic...(i know you don't like big words but that means you have an angelic, other-wordly glow about you that just screams of a perfect beauty...)"
Do you know how much that made me smile?!?!?!
Even if he was making it up(not sure if he was) but dang!!!!!!!! I could used to talking to him!!!!!
He's so sweet.. And have NO Idea why!
Last night if you looked in on me, you would see my face red as an apple! or a cherry!
But Iw as smiling and laughing so beasically last night was definatly great. I got new shoes(pink and black sketchers), saw the movie I, Robot-Kickin Tush movie!) got chinese_Yummzza) and talked to the sweetest and pretty damn hot guy if I do say my self! Wissh great guys lived somewhere near me.. Oh! And He also gave me his number..he's livin in cali at the moment(like me!)

Feel the water
Wash over me
Sinkin in the bliss
Forget everything
i wont be that missed

So as I sink
I slowly think
Goodbye to life
Goodbye to strife

Dancing On the Edge
of a cliff
Saying goodbye to all
I've wished
This Is Goodbye
Please Dont Cry
Because You shouldnt care anymore
Because I dont care anymore..
No One Cares Anymore

You wont miss me!
So I wont say bye
And You wont cry

This has never happened
Life is .......


Over!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

jULY 19tH---
lAST nIGHT i HAD A DREAM THAT i WAS bIT bY A vAMPIRE AND i WAS FOREVER sEARCHING FOR THE LEAD SINGER FROM oRgY TO TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND FUCK HIM..
wEIRD ASS DREAM OR WHAT??

jULY 20tH--
soMEtHING TO DO WITH aNGEL..aND aLSO MY PROM.. nICK WAS THE bUS dRIVER(i TOOK a sCHOOL bUS TO mY pROM! AND i WAS DRESSED IN NORMAL CLOTHES! nOT a dRESS!) i MADE nICK cRASH thE bUS BECAUSE MY pURSE WAS oN A sUITCASE ROlLING UP TO MY hIGHSCHOOL. tHEN i dITCHED niCK. nICK WASNT My DATE.. i dONT THINK i HAD a DATE... pLUS i NEEDED MY pURSE tO gET IN THE pROM BECAUSE iT HAD MY dRIVERS LISCESCE nUMBER IN IT..(fOR SOME REASON i NeEDED MY DRIVERS LISCENSE NUMBER TO GET INTO PROm, dONT ASK, i dONT kNOW)

jULY 21sT

mY DREAM LAST nIGHT WAS sOOOoo WEIRD!
vERY mUCh!! i HAD thAT tHE mUSIC vIDEO "SATISFACTION" hAD a bUNCH oF gUYS mAKING eRMM...fUCK THIS.. iM nOT sAYNG THAT SHIT hERE! iWILL sAYI IT IN MY dREAM dIARY aT mY HOUSE.. iT WAS A bIT tOO fUnKY fOR mE tO sTATE iT oN hERE...
i wILL SAY tHAT tHERE wERE lOTS OF gUYS iN IT anD thEY ALL WAnTED mE to DO something.. if yA CATCH ME dRIFT.. it wAS THe wEIDEST dREAMi hAVE hAD iN a lONG tiME..oH! anD tHEY WANTED ME TO LOOK AT tHEIR dICKS!
bTU i DONT tHINKi DID...wELL, i sAWaN x-rAY oF oNE.. oR tWO..BUT THATS aLL iM sAYING..
i thINK iTS SAFE TO sAY tHAT i MISS sEX..OOPS! i WAS wRONG...iTS thE tIME Of THE mONTH! tHAT tiS wHY!

july23-\I dreamed the cloudmonkey, aka-storm was hugely pissed at me for suggesting he go to the mall and smell curve or coolwater so he wrote me this hateful letter explaining to me how he was only allowed one trip to anywhere and he was using it on me and i had to he happy. and all the while i was reading the letter, I could see his face twisting with anger...
It was odd to say the least. Oh and he was scary when angry-at least in my dream)

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

IM MAKING A DREAM DIARY ON THE INTERNET..
I HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM AND SINCE IM NOT IN MY ROOM AND I WONT BE THERE UNTIL THE 26TH..AT NIGHT, IM MAKING ONE NOW..
(I HAVE BEEN KEEPING ONE SINCE I WAS LIL, I KN OW IM A DORK, SHUT UP!

Memories
Feelings
All Begin To Fade

Thoughts
Discussions
Debts Never to Be Repaid

(In the working..)

My Life



My lifes a bitch

it seems like hell

everyone has me convinced

i have to do well




my lifes a bitch

i wish i'd die

i try to hide it

i try to lie




everyones telling me

i'll be just fine

but at the end

the blade will be mine




my lifes a bitch

from the people im around

expecially my fucked up family

who thinks im the clown




my lifes a bitch

i know for a fact

that your the only person

that keeps my life in track




KLK

Maybe It Was You
Maybe It Was Me
Maybe We Are
No Longer Meant To Be

Maybe You Think Of Me
Maybe You Dont
Maybe You Care
Maybe You Dont

Maybe I Care
It Doesnt Matter
If You DOnt

Because Its All About
The Maybe's
Its All About You Baby..

Eekkkkkkkkkk... I was recording a cd and I was listening to it. My dad walked in and said that he had that song on a cd.
I blurted out"What the Fuckkkk??"
And He said" excuse me??!???"
me-"Umm.Nothing"
See, im not allowed to cuss infront of him. It slipped. Crap.. Yea know..Im 18.. i should be allowed to say thast infront of him, I mean, I say it anyway..Just when he's n ot around. I say it when Im with my mom, she doesnt care. Grrr.. I guess I should complain...For some reason he is spoiling me right about now. Thing is, i have No idea why. He never EVER spoiled me..I dont get it..Not that Im complianing..CAsue Im NOT. Definatly not..Its just weird..But GOOD..but...weird..
Okay. THats It for my diary entry. No one is on now and this is my closest thing to a somebody...so.yes...
Oh.. And I was told Im hott today...But one of my friends...thats a girl..(she's Bi) But I haven never been told im hott by a girl before...Kinda made my day. well, i guess something also made my day.
My mom called me from ark and told me that my paycheck came..only Im not getting paid what i thought. I thought I was getting paid 5.50 an hour(I work a $40 hr week.and Min wage here is 5.15) well, on my paycheck she told me that they only paid me for 56 hours...and that Im getting 7.00s a hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yays! Plus Im getting 2 paychecks.. The one they got in the mail today was for...*pauses for dramatic effect*..$391.00 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
( I work at the state revenues office but i got a job there by a WIA program) anyways, Im getting paid $7 an hour and I have another paycheck coming! 40 hours x $7
LMFAO!!!
Gee, Right about now I want to rub it in my ex's face!!!!! I know he is a loser..But I love him anyway. The feeling that Me and him were meant to be is wearing off..lil by lil...
okay...I guess Im done ranting..

Dont Tell me What you want
cause I dont give a fuck.
Your words run through my mind
yet not given a second thought.

Dont even say a word
all you say sounds obserd
do you think Im so blind?
To let you waste all my time?

Just go Away
Dont bother
Dont Stay
All You say goes over my head
Just listen to what was Just said

      Honesty

Random words running through my head
You'd get lost if ever tried and said
Theres a path you must find and follow
Learn it well, For it is hollow.

You will never know
You'd think im a hoe
For the things i have done
its all because he has won.

I kissed a few
some had not a clue
That it meant exactly nothing
My attraction toward them,
I was only bluffing.

I know im wrong
But im no longer strong
I dont care what people say
Ever since that one fine day

I now pretend
only to make mends
from what you did to me
He's the only one that I see

Im not a slut,
perhaps a hoe
there are so many things
you just dont know.

So just dont judge because its you I blame.
Your the one that won that Game
I wasnt ready
Keep it steady

Let the game begin
I know I can win
I'll make you lose
You wont have me
I wont be the one to soothe

I dont know you
I cant see you
But I hear you
Your words make me smile
I turn away from the vile
Of my life
You let me escape
To another world
One of fantasy and pleasure
overides over all
Makes you twitch, tumble and fall
Into a world where you belong
Your strong
Nothing can go wrong
Until you leave the world behind
and return home
and feel like you will always be
all alone.

I dont need to hear what you say
Instead
I have an idea
Just go away

But see, heres the thing.
you dont say a word,
But its all the thoughts that you bring.

Why wont you release me
From your head?
I think I deserve it
After the things that were said

Sooner than a century
more than a year
When I think of you
There will be no more tears.

So A day across the other day
I'll see you in another way
Times Flashing forward now.
Forgive me If I dont bow

Sooner than a century
More than a year
There will come a day
when you want me back.

Sooner than a century
More than a year
There will be a day
When No is what I'll say.

        Empty
resting in a sweet coma
Close my eyes and release the pain
Let go of life for all the strain

Empty as a winters cold
my thougths will freeze as you hold
Empty as a darkened soul
I have thoughts you'll never know
I feel like im dying in your grasp
The flames inside are smoldering at last
I dont have the will to survive
Give me a reason to be revived