Shea is bad for me
I left him. then secretly went back to him.
I missed him. I love him
But i know deep down, I wont be actually happy with him.
He does things that i try hard to resist now. Being around him will not help me
thats why I partly want to move to cali. I would have to resist seeing him, for he would live in arkansas, and i would not.
and it would be easier than breaking his heart ..again. It is to hard for me to look him in the eyes and tell him I dont love him.
Because I do
And I hate to feel this way
Love Kills
and its killing me
because I know what i have to do but my heart wont let me move on. Instead of before. Im the one that has to break it off and stay away.
for He wont break up with me
He will ruin my life
Im almost sure
More than almost but part of my wont accept it
Im in denial
I know. Hard not to know. But the facts are brutal and the emotions are strong
I always do what is wrong
I love him but I dont
I love him enough to know that I love him and i care for him but I also love him enough to know that he will only bring me down. and he wont push me up. Isnt it fair that i help myself before others?
He needs me. and I need him on a level because he wants me. But on the other side, he causes me deep emotional pain. Pain that happens to come out when I think long and hard about my life. I dont really know what to do. I feel for him. Enough to stay with him. But I wont be happy if i stay with him. and I know that if i stay in this god forsaken town, I WILL GO BACK TO HIM. I cant resist him. I try and try but I feel a nagging feeling deep down. Others tell me to tell my self all he has to say is bullshit. I try. But I ove him. Also. "Love goes away. But being around the pain, it will never". Its not jsut him. I want more to life than just be..this. THIS isnt workign for me. I crave a job aI crave to be more useful. But I hang around him and he rubs off on me. California seems the only option of rme. my mom will hate me and I partly will too because when i thnk of my life with out shea, I cry. Its obvious I love him. I cant help it. But its obvious that he is a drug to me. a drug that i have to stay away from beign the fact that drugs are addictive. I speak from personal experience. I was addicted to Pot. Some say that you cant be addicted. WRONG. I got it every single day. after you get it everysingle day, it becomes addictive. ou crave it like you need it. But you know you dont. I Crave shea because I am a goddess in his eyes. I dont see why but i see it in him. Its painful to hurt someone who thinks that. THe only way I can break away is to leave. it will hurt my mom. and hell, it will hurt me. Because i need him I live him and I want him so badly. But in truth I will be better off away. Maybe what shaun said was correct. "love will go away" I know he is right. I mean. Im over Kris in the most part. But I still think i will always feel for him.
and shea is constently on my mind.
I shake my head to say go away. He remians. ok. i have alot on my mind. and I need to get some sleep. but im thinking so much that i doubt if I close my eyes, willing to dream. I wont feel as rested when I awake.
What will I tel my mom?
What will I tell my sister
but most of all,
What will I tell shea?
The reason im leaving is to be away from you?
THATS going to be easy.
this is how i can figure the convo happening:
me-" the reason im leaving is cause you do drugs. I did drugs. GOt addicted. Stopped and you didnt. WheN Im around you i want them.
also you will only bring me down. I love you to death but love goes away?"
*then I know I will start crying and so will he. He will beg me not to leave and I will cry even more.
How hard is it to look the person you love in the eyes and say you dont love them anymore. He will lknow im lieing. see it right through me.
because i will bite my lip like i always do.
try not to cry. which will make me end up with my lip bleeding from biting down so hard.*
My other option. Dont tell him im leaving. That would be wrong and I just cant do that.
It would hurt him too badly.
When he gets upset, his reality shifts to a part that doesnt matter right and wrong and I dont know what I'd do if he hurt himslef. I would never get over it.
THat pain would never go away.
Everytime I close my eyes
and try to imagine him not with me I cry. because it feels like he's breaking up with me. It feels like how i felt when kris broke up with me. Tears crawl out of me and I look like a fucking baby.
I never want to fall inlove again.
Pain only comes out of it and I cant take the pain. I only fall for the guys that will end up hurtin me. He told me he would never hurt me. But he is. He has been. And he doesnt even know it.
if he asked for a list of reasons why i would break up wtih him, the only reason i could stutter out is that I know in the future I wont be happy with him. the only one cause I love himm toooo much.
I cant imagine my life without him because it hurts to breathe without him. But if not now, then later cause Im lost!!!!
I dont know what to do.
I need a shrink. I honestly thinkI do
cause I dont want to be in this situsation right now. I honestly think I cant handle it.
I dont think i can be strong.Im weak and foolish to think im mature enough for a serious relationship.
Because Im not.
Im a foolish immature girl with the age of an adultby law but the mind of a 10 yrs old when it comes to problems.
wish for them to go away wont cut it.
I feel like im drowning. could someone please step into my body and handle this for me?
Wheew!!
I just got done sending my dad an e-mail(he lives in Cali) telling him about me and the jail incident. I know he is going to be pissed when he reads it.
But i didnt go into deep detail. I was breif. a bit too breif but it was short,not so simple though. I told him that I dont know when i can visit him since I have court on the 8th of june, and I dont know if I will be able to leave state to visit him.
I hope I can. I miss him deeply. I havent seen him for a year..
Paradise
Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight... to fight
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
As darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light... her light
And it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright... alright
Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
*********
Thats one of my favorite songs
Kinda reminds me of..me
But a youngerish me
but still me.
The songs I newly want:
50 ways to leave your lover - Plummet
You Promised - Ingrid
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Lil Bit - 50 Cent
Oh - Ciara
Breathe - Michelle Branch
One Word - Kelly Osborne
You Fucked up my life!
You Fucked up my World!
You Fucked up my Feelings!
Hating you makes it easier
Than crying on the floor
Hating makes it easier
Than loving you much more
No matter how you spin the coin
It will always land on us
No matter what you say or do
I will always think of us
You may say there is no Us
for that you are correct
But i can wish &I can dream
that one day...
Just one day..
You’ll be mine
Again.
You.. Drifted Away from me
And You...
I need you
Cant you see?!?!
This Pain isnt getting any easier
This pain isnt getting smaller
When Will you release me?
Or have you forgotten?
me.
Some say Im persistant
Some say I'll Fold
Either way, All that shit's gotten old
Do you think about me when your alone?
Have you thought about me since?
I need you in my life
release me from my strife
this pain hurts too much
Release me from your clutch
Fuck everything
It hurts too much to say
Fuck everything
I think it everyday.
I cant say how I feel
It breaks me apart inside
I want to hate you
I want to forget you
I dont want you love you
I dont want to cry
(that was written a while ago about my ex fiance.)
I'll bare my teeth and arch my claws
just to show I dont live by laws
What you did to me was wrong
it was a while ago. I thought I was strong
I thought I bleached all of you out of me
Thought there was nothing left for you to see in me
I turn around to see
you've taking over me
only from the inside
I say I hate you
I say, I say
But deep down you are me
I know it
I feel it
I love you
I love you so much Im so glad you didnt stay
I want to tear your heart open and leave you to bleed. Just like you did to me
Does it feel good? Do you like pain?!
Of course, to you this is a game.
But then you bleed.
now you see
Its hurts.
I'll leave fire darts in your eyes
So maybe you'll feel the fear
like I did when you said goodbye.
Long time later
I care for you not at all.
And I remember the scar you
left on my heart.
It doesnt burn when we are apart
And I feel how You must have
with me
I need to be free.
Me and Him jsut dont belong.
So now he hates me
Like I , you.
You
had a life
with a girl..
and destroyed it all!
Then you
Picked me
why me?
to shelter you
from the world
Just a girl
little me..
its the sex
that I liked
That i'd miss.
I saw..
What you Were
Only
At the End.
Looking Up
Towards the sky
The sun
was so bright
Couldnt see
Until I saw
that you used me!
For sheltering you
from the world
I couldnt beileive,
what you did.
Use me for money.
Or love
Its just the mind of a
obsession lover
your games soon being to flutter
away
Shut up
Shut Up
Shut Up!
Your words mean nothing!
You Lied
You Cried
We're Oooooover!
OVER!
Coming into the world
And No one gives a damn
THe world is big
and your too small
It'll crush you down
Make you fall
Cut off your tongue
Shread it apart
Hateful
and Furious
the words were delirous
I laughed.
as a Joke
To belive such a lie
The Reailty of a thing
would be 'when pigs fly'
I see you watching me from far away
I see the words you wish to say
You keep me at a distance So the regection wont hurt
Staring straight
Nothings wrong
But tears will fall
Time passes
You cant see
The art of me
The Voices Blur
sounds drift
please tell me what you think, okay?
I told him I would call him and I didnt, so when I came home I went straight to bed(11pm) . then he told me that at 1am he parked at the end of my driveway and checked to see if my car was there and then went to the back of my house and looksed in my window to see if i was there..
Then earlier today, He asked if I wanted him to follow me there still cause my stepdad yelled at me. I said, whatever and he said he'd go home. But I had to wait for my sister at her apt. in my car.. then he drove up there and said he got worried.
I cant do anything by myself! He's always around. If im not, he whines!! give me a break!!
Sometimes I just wonder if you thought I'd cry..
Wonder if you knew it hurt when you said goodbye.
I guess you didnt care
Felt you had no feelings to spare..
Im through with those feelings you gave
I laugh for I know your image has begun to fade.
So glad Im not with you
Thank you for what you put me through
I would have never knew and married you
You Say You Love Me
You Say You Hate Me
I say, You'll Do It again
Over And Over
Lets See How Time Bends
Let me be loved
let me be held
Only By you
Your all I see
You have never left me
Everyone has thought you left
Cause I tell them you have
But:
Your on my desk.
Im on your bed
Hand cuffs chained to the bed
Laughter fills my head
sighs and moans
Louder you groan
I smile at your smirk
and Im back in my room alone
staring at my desk
thinking of our best..
Tears slide down my cheeks
Your touch I will forever seek
Rattle your hips and open your eyes
for I only speak in riddles and lies
You want the truth, Here I shall be
I dont care about you, You see?
The things you want and how you feel.
All and All, cant be real..
I am what you dont see
And I am what you want to be...
Honest and True
You think, Therefore you Lose
Assume I speak in riddles
Assume I speak in lies
Think whatever
For I wont cry
Just randomly notice most of my friends on here are guys..
Most friends in real life are girls..
Randomness.. HA!
Im crying and shaking
Im wishing and taking
all your emotions
and living them
Screaming
Crying
Filling my eyes with tears
that you gave to me
I need to get away
Leave here
I wish not to stay
Take me with you...