why do I feel like everyone is constantly lieing to me? Are they really? Trust and truth aren't far appart. I guess I'm hurting so much that I have a knife waiting for me under my pillow.
all I can say is the pain is growing stronger but I'm still dieing ever so slowly. I feel I have too much faith in ppl. Trust is becomming an illusion to me.
hello again... ugh stupid parents. Well I had karate again and learned another block... which is the last one, Shuto uke (knife hand block). So bored and don't know what the hell is going to happen on saturday now.
I don't know what I belive in much anymore. Time is never on my side but yet I always find some way to survive. Well I had karate again to day and I learned 2 new things. Yoko uke (outside block) and Harai uke (downward block).
Blank... it echos in my head. Blank, empty, my soul is dieing slowly and painfully. Little by little I will become a emotionless body, expressionless
today I went puddle jumping... it was fun ^_^
The dayz have been boring and filled with blankness. But now I've got something to look forward to. A someone is comming over on saturday and I've been dying to see them. "In a sea of darkness there is always a light." I've been doing so much to get ready for their arival andI don't know if my hyper side can stand the wait anymore. "Pacience is a virtue." ... yeah right! Well I had karate again today and I learned Yoko geri (side kick). Yes I ate this time.
orange
I had karate again today but I didn't eat breakfast or dinner last night or breakfast this morning. I was out of energy and I literally fell over. I felt like throwing up. I gotta learn to eat. Today I learned Age uke (rising block)
wow I just read my best friends new house and it made me cry. There's no point to almost anything anymore. All I do is give love and receive hate. From those few who do care they can't do anything cuz they're all so far away. I'm trying so hard to be quiet. I don't want my mother or my sister to see me cry. I can't be anything I want to and now I don't want to be anything because it's just stupid. People hate me for what I like and what I look like. I know it's not fair but it's not like I can do anything about it. It seems everything I do for everyone just isn't good enough. I feel like it doesn't matter if I live or die because I'm not needed or important. But I'm not ganna give up. I'll just live in this hateful life.
well today was lovely picture day. See can't you see me smileling yes I just love picture day... NOT!!! I hate school pictures the most cuz I always look the worst in those. Today was mostly boring but I made a new friend named Cescial. Well I just found out that a cute guy just moved into the trailer park. Yes, Ilive in a trailer park... it's sad. I'm soooooooooo bored.
Yesterday was my first day of school and my first day of karate. School was boring and I got upset cuz some of my friends wouldn't except some of my other friends. Well that part sucked but when I went to karate I learned Tsuki (normal punch) and Mea geri (front kick). Today was boring and I sat all by myself at lunch. I was an offcial student today. I learned Uchi uke (inside block) today. I found that one of my crushes goes there too and on the same sceduale. We've been friends for three years now. Well my muscles hurt REALLY bad ;.; oh well Imma tought girl.
well I'm listening to evanescence and I have that empty feeling. I no longer have hate for anyone... not even my father. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had a good father that was still around. I've tried to fill that empty space in my heart with many things but nothing seems to work and it grows bigger with each growing day. I've lost interest in alot of things I used to do. I'm sure others of you have felt this too but what am I supposed to do? I want to curl up into a ball and cry... I want someone to hold me close and never let go. Well enough of the depressed crap. After school on the first day of school I also start my first day of karate! I hope it's not too hard. Well there isn't much to say and my chest hurts like hell for some reason it hurts to breathe.
Ok now to explain the magic circle. me, [One Broken Wing], Steaven, [Sachiko], and my other friend Rachel are all part of my circle of magic. We all truely beleive in magic and stuff like that. I am truely a wolf demon but only half. My other half is vampire. When there is a new moon I turn fully human. When there is a full more I am at my strongest point. I will not reveal what [One Broken Wing] or [Sachiko] are until I have their permission. But both Steaven and Rachel are wicans who protect me.
ok there was this one day in PE that I saw some guy was sitting on the side lines looking really sad so I talked to him. He had no friends so I invitedhim to our table. Soon the Halloween dance came and I went with him. His name is Anthoney and that was technecly "going out" then I broke up with him a week later and he was crying his eyes out. Again I was pressured into it. So we became really good friend and he's comming over to my place today! yay! Well now that was a big fast forward. Now it is present time.
6th grade was boring and I didn't quit know what I was... ok now 7th grade I sat at a table of all guys and it was fun. One of them, a red head named Travis, I had a crush on so when valentine's day came I told him and found that he liked me to. He's the only boyfriend that I actually went on a date with. So he got me some candy and a carnation. Later that day me, Travis, and alot of my other friends went to the skating rink. for about the next week everyday he asked me to come over to his house and we played Jet Set Radio Future and I beat him almost everytime plus it was my first time playing the game. I know I'm a video game freak! Well then he broke up with me. So I had [Sachiko] call him up but I was on the other line it's just I pressed mute. So she asked him why he broke up with me and he said that I spent too much time with him... oh well we're still friends. Later on in the year I went out with Steaven J. Ok here's the story about Steave... I tried out for the 6th grade talent show and so did he. He was singing too soft an I told him to sing louder and we just started talking. Well I always fall for the funny ones. Later on before I went out with him I found outhe was a major player. He went out with almost every girl in his grade and yes that includes [Sachiko] well I found out he was cheating on me and knew it was comming so I wasn't hurt. I told him "you don't need to say anything" and so I broke up with him before he could break up with me. the problem it I don't hate him but I really don't like him but then again he has been one of my best friends and I still like him. I could go to him about anything and we sang together many times. I kick myself for it. He is one in my circle of magic. Yes I beleive in magic. Tell you about it later. Well that summer I went to a program. I went out with a guy named Tim for a day cuz I was pressured into it. Then I went out with him for a week and broke up with him again cuz he was more of a best friend to me. He was a foster child and one day I tried to call him but him old foster parents said they weren't his gardians anymore... it crushed me. Then I went out with a guy named Gerrett and it lasted a week and I never saw him again until the next year in youth group. He kept looking at me trying to figure out where he'd seen me from. Then one day he came up to me and said "have you ever been to a summer thing called-" "Hi Gerrett" I cut him off and he walked away. Then I went out with a guy named Brian. It lasted a month and I remember this time when I was in his room with him and I was laying on his bed upstairs watching TV and he wa sitting on a chair across the room. I had started to say something but said nvm but he's like "tell me" and I was like "No" he said it again and cam closer but I said no again and everytime he'd get closer until soon enough he was on top of me. But no my STUPID reflexes! I lifted my knee and accidently kicked him in the balls! now that I think about it he diserved that. Well we both fell of the bed with a 'THUD' and we both began to laugh. Well I never saw him again. But one time I was at [Sachiko]'s house and we called him up but the jerk heard my name and hung up on me. Well in the 8th grade I went goth but [Sachiko] went goth the year before... then everyone still friends with us went goth too. That's it for now see ya.
well it's mid-night and w/e. Ok me and Roman suposedly "went out" for a day... well then he saw [Sachiko] and fell madly in love. Oh well it was on and off for them for about 2 years. There was also this girl named Terra and she made it hard for me to be friends with [Sachiko] but she soon moved away... yay. Don't get mad at me but I'm just trying to skip through the past quickly. Me and [Sachiko] were better friends in the 5th grade cuz Terra was hardly around. Other friends in our group- Renna M., Lindsay M., [~*(^GONE^)*~], monica, alecia, adrianne, jessica and others. Curently me and [Sachiko] are still friends with alecia, adrianne, and [~*(^GONE^)*~].
well like I said the inbetween like was that my brother was born... my dad hurt him to. Then my dad was taken away when I was 8. That was the last time I saw him. Then we moved to a city not too far away. Then 4th grade. That was one of the most important years of my life. (so far) That year I met somone who would change my life forever. You all know her as [Sachiko]. I met her one day at recess. She was playing square ball and I didn't know how to play. So we played together and we hit it off till a guy named Roman came into both of our lives. tell ya more later.
Well hello again. Time for my next entry. Ok, back in the day I was kicken back in kindergarden. I mean come on. You'd have to work your tail off to fail that class. So yeah kindergarden was a breeze. The trouble started after that. Well I never really had any friends in my first elementry. I lived on a farm with my mom, my dad and my sister. We had a house, an actual house! We had 5 acers of land and had a few animals. We had a goat named Zelda, a cat named Flood, a dalmation (which we sold cuz she kept on chasing cars and getting ran over) named Suzie, and a few other animals. We had a big barn and lots of apple trees and two different plum trees. yeah it seemed like a farm. Well my dad was a cowboy and my mom was adopted so she was New Zesland by adoption and danish by blood. Well I never had nice clothes and I was a tomboy and still am. I had friends but very few. I had two and yep they were guys, Jered and CJ. Well that was grade one and two. In grade three I made I friend that I'll never forget but this one didn't impact me as much as one I will speek about later on. His name was Matt. We did everything together. We tried to sit next to each other, we ate together, we were always partners in P.E., and we always played together at recess. Well he soon met another guy named CJ and hated me cuz his new friend did. It broke my young little heart. Well back then the thing I was good at was making people laugh. Man went I look at what I wore back then I could have died if I new the meaning of fashion. Well once I moved it changed my life forever. I'll explain the inbetween life at home before we moved later, got to get some sleep. Laterz!^.^
(I really don't care who knows the truth.)
Well the first thing I can remember would be the very worst memory I will carry for the rest of my life. It happened when I was only four years of age. My father Robert worked in the airforce. He worked loading all the heavy equipment. He was always taking the money and spending it on junk that he wanted. He wasn't a drunk or a druggy. He used to beat me and my older sister. He was a sex addict. He "couldn't keep it in his pants" as my mom says. Always buying her panties and sex toys my mom didn't want. Then one day I was in the bath and he, he forced me to wash him, and touch him. He locked the door and didn't stop until my mom thretened to call the police. I'm lucky I'm still a virgin. Well that's it for today's entry.