Well on Thursday I had a chior consert and I was running back to the car when it was over. The car felt stuffy so I asked my mom to roll down the window and my sister had to go and be her bitchy self. We got in this big fight and I was wearing a shit load of make-up and by the time I got home I had maskara running down my cheeks. I ran in the house cause I never let them see me cry anymore. Well 10 minutes ago was living hell to. I have this 50 point assignment due tomorrow but I don't have the instructions for it somy teacher told me to e-mail her. I thought ok my sister has it. I thought my sister would be nice enough to e-mail her for me since I don't have her e-mail but I guess I was wrong. My sister had to act stupid and we got in a fight. Since I don't have the authority to tell her what to do I had to go complain to my mom. Well she was no help either. She starts yelling at me for waking her up. Well there hasn't been a day in my life where my sister hasn't insulted me. I can either fight back with my words or sit there and take it. Either way she'll just keep pushing 'till you want to murder her. Well today I think she went a little far. I'm crying as I'm writing this and now I remember what it is to hate. I want her out of my life forever. She has never been nice to me since the day I was born. There are those sisters who are nice and caring and then there are those who are mean but still care but not my sister. I want to run away and never come back.
Well homecomming is comming up soon and I don't have any money, a ride, or a date. Well I can probably get the money andride from my friends but I'm probably endup going by myself. I haven't been asked yet. I hope Ryan asks me but maybe that's just a wish. Well I'm ganna be stuborn and not ask him. Besides we only just became friends. Well my life has been pretty boringlately. Oh yeah tomorrow I have late arival, karate, a choir concert, and it'sthe new moon! Gee I'm just so lucky. Well I got to find someway to keep myself busy or I'll start being depressed again. Don't worry ppl I'm not stalking Ryan too intensely... just at school. Besides it givesme something to do.
Sorry I haven't written in a while... oh well. Well I thought I should stop saying so much about my karate. I should be earning my Gi pretty soon but my mom says I have to earn it. She dosen't realize how hard karate is and that I'm earning it inmy karate class. Well I feel I've become sort of invisible to alot ofmy friends. But they don't understand when I tell them. Well I've managed on my own. I feel I've become emotionally stronger but I also feel as if I'm pushing away some of my friends. Well there's this new guy that just moved into the trailor park. He's also a freshman. His name is Ryan Price. To keep myself occupied I've been stalking him... lol. He lives 9 houses down and goes to the same school as me. But we don't share any classes. He's REALLY hot but I don't feel he's my type. But he seems really sad and has only one friend, Andrew a guy I've known since the 7th grade. Well I ended up e-mailing Ryan. I ended up screaming at the computer to bring it back but of corse it didn't. Well I talked to one of my friends and she said he never checks his e-mail so I was relived. But just yesterday when me and Ryan were walking home he started talking to me and I was turning red with every second. He said that he received that e-mail and I could have died right there and then. Well at least we talked. He answered a few questions I had in the e-mail. Note to self... next time you e-mail him don't sound so nervous.
hehe my friends think I'm on crack cuz lately I don't know why I've just tried really hard to be happy but that's starting to fade away. I'm in tech connections right now. oh oh I learned a new block the knife hand block (fogot how to say these in japanese) and a new kick, the round house kick.
why do I feel like everyone is constantly lieing to me? Are they really? Trust and truth aren't far appart. I guess I'm hurting so much that I have a knife waiting for me under my pillow.
all I can say is the pain is growing stronger but I'm still dieing ever so slowly. I feel I have too much faith in ppl. Trust is becomming an illusion to me.
hello again... ugh stupid parents. Well I had karate again and learned another block... which is the last one, Shuto uke (knife hand block). So bored and don't know what the hell is going to happen on saturday now.
I don't know what I belive in much anymore. Time is never on my side but yet I always find some way to survive. Well I had karate again to day and I learned 2 new things. Yoko uke (outside block) and Harai uke (downward block).
Blank... it echos in my head. Blank, empty, my soul is dieing slowly and painfully. Little by little I will become a emotionless body, expressionless
today I went puddle jumping... it was fun ^_^
The dayz have been boring and filled with blankness. But now I've got something to look forward to. A someone is comming over on saturday and I've been dying to see them. "In a sea of darkness there is always a light." I've been doing so much to get ready for their arival andI don't know if my hyper side can stand the wait anymore. "Pacience is a virtue." ... yeah right! Well I had karate again today and I learned Yoko geri (side kick). Yes I ate this time.
orange
I had karate again today but I didn't eat breakfast or dinner last night or breakfast this morning. I was out of energy and I literally fell over. I felt like throwing up. I gotta learn to eat. Today I learned Age uke (rising block)
wow I just read my best friends new house and it made me cry. There's no point to almost anything anymore. All I do is give love and receive hate. From those few who do care they can't do anything cuz they're all so far away. I'm trying so hard to be quiet. I don't want my mother or my sister to see me cry. I can't be anything I want to and now I don't want to be anything because it's just stupid. People hate me for what I like and what I look like. I know it's not fair but it's not like I can do anything about it. It seems everything I do for everyone just isn't good enough. I feel like it doesn't matter if I live or die because I'm not needed or important. But I'm not ganna give up. I'll just live in this hateful life.
well today was lovely picture day. See can't you see me smileling yes I just love picture day... NOT!!! I hate school pictures the most cuz I always look the worst in those. Today was mostly boring but I made a new friend named Cescial. Well I just found out that a cute guy just moved into the trailer park. Yes, Ilive in a trailer park... it's sad. I'm soooooooooo bored.
Yesterday was my first day of school and my first day of karate. School was boring and I got upset cuz some of my friends wouldn't except some of my other friends. Well that part sucked but when I went to karate I learned Tsuki (normal punch) and Mea geri (front kick). Today was boring and I sat all by myself at lunch. I was an offcial student today. I learned Uchi uke (inside block) today. I found that one of my crushes goes there too and on the same sceduale. We've been friends for three years now. Well my muscles hurt REALLY bad ;.; oh well Imma tought girl.
well I'm listening to evanescence and I have that empty feeling. I no longer have hate for anyone... not even my father. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had a good father that was still around. I've tried to fill that empty space in my heart with many things but nothing seems to work and it grows bigger with each growing day. I've lost interest in alot of things I used to do. I'm sure others of you have felt this too but what am I supposed to do? I want to curl up into a ball and cry... I want someone to hold me close and never let go. Well enough of the depressed crap. After school on the first day of school I also start my first day of karate! I hope it's not too hard. Well there isn't much to say and my chest hurts like hell for some reason it hurts to breathe.
Ok now to explain the magic circle. me, [One Broken Wing], Steaven, [Sachiko], and my other friend Rachel are all part of my circle of magic. We all truely beleive in magic and stuff like that. I am truely a wolf demon but only half. My other half is vampire. When there is a new moon I turn fully human. When there is a full more I am at my strongest point. I will not reveal what [One Broken Wing] or [Sachiko] are until I have their permission. But both Steaven and Rachel are wicans who protect me.
ok there was this one day in PE that I saw some guy was sitting on the side lines looking really sad so I talked to him. He had no friends so I invitedhim to our table. Soon the Halloween dance came and I went with him. His name is Anthoney and that was technecly "going out" then I broke up with him a week later and he was crying his eyes out. Again I was pressured into it. So we became really good friend and he's comming over to my place today! yay! Well now that was a big fast forward. Now it is present time.
6th grade was boring and I didn't quit know what I was... ok now 7th grade I sat at a table of all guys and it was fun. One of them, a red head named Travis, I had a crush on so when valentine's day came I told him and found that he liked me to. He's the only boyfriend that I actually went on a date with. So he got me some candy and a carnation. Later that day me, Travis, and alot of my other friends went to the skating rink. for about the next week everyday he asked me to come over to his house and we played Jet Set Radio Future and I beat him almost everytime plus it was my first time playing the game. I know I'm a video game freak! Well then he broke up with me. So I had [Sachiko] call him up but I was on the other line it's just I pressed mute. So she asked him why he broke up with me and he said that I spent too much time with him... oh well we're still friends. Later on in the year I went out with Steaven J. Ok here's the story about Steave... I tried out for the 6th grade talent show and so did he. He was singing too soft an I told him to sing louder and we just started talking. Well I always fall for the funny ones. Later on before I went out with him I found outhe was a major player. He went out with almost every girl in his grade and yes that includes [Sachiko] well I found out he was cheating on me and knew it was comming so I wasn't hurt. I told him "you don't need to say anything" and so I broke up with him before he could break up with me. the problem it I don't hate him but I really don't like him but then again he has been one of my best friends and I still like him. I could go to him about anything and we sang together many times. I kick myself for it. He is one in my circle of magic. Yes I beleive in magic. Tell you about it later. Well that summer I went to a program. I went out with a guy named Tim for a day cuz I was pressured into it. Then I went out with him for a week and broke up with him again cuz he was more of a best friend to me. He was a foster child and one day I tried to call him but him old foster parents said they weren't his gardians anymore... it crushed me. Then I went out with a guy named Gerrett and it lasted a week and I never saw him again until the next year in youth group. He kept looking at me trying to figure out where he'd seen me from. Then one day he came up to me and said "have you ever been to a summer thing called-" "Hi Gerrett" I cut him off and he walked away. Then I went out with a guy named Brian. It lasted a month and I remember this time when I was in his room with him and I was laying on his bed upstairs watching TV and he wa sitting on a chair across the room. I had started to say something but said nvm but he's like "tell me" and I was like "No" he said it again and cam closer but I said no again and everytime he'd get closer until soon enough he was on top of me. But no my STUPID reflexes! I lifted my knee and accidently kicked him in the balls! now that I think about it he diserved that. Well we both fell of the bed with a 'THUD' and we both began to laugh. Well I never saw him again. But one time I was at [Sachiko]'s house and we called him up but the jerk heard my name and hung up on me. Well in the 8th grade I went goth but [Sachiko] went goth the year before... then everyone still friends with us went goth too. That's it for now see ya.
well it's mid-night and w/e. Ok me and Roman suposedly "went out" for a day... well then he saw [Sachiko] and fell madly in love. Oh well it was on and off for them for about 2 years. There was also this girl named Terra and she made it hard for me to be friends with [Sachiko] but she soon moved away... yay. Don't get mad at me but I'm just trying to skip through the past quickly. Me and [Sachiko] were better friends in the 5th grade cuz Terra was hardly around. Other friends in our group- Renna M., Lindsay M., [~*(^GONE^)*~], monica, alecia, adrianne, jessica and others. Curently me and [Sachiko] are still friends with alecia, adrianne, and [~*(^GONE^)*~].