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Just read my ex-bestfriend's diary. Apparently she's been smoking, she died her hair black, and she thinks of me as a friendly aquaintece. I nean nothing to her... nothing. Yeah I tried to stay strong and act as if nothing was wrong. But it's just not the same without you and if you're reading this I want you to realize what you've done. We used to know everything about each other but now we are complete strangers. How can you just disscard me like that. I cried the tears for you last night. I don't think that you will ever have that gift again. A year ago I would have given my life in exchange for yours, now I'd let you stay in whatever mess you've gotten yourself into. I knew something was wrong when we stopped talking. You changed for the worst and you admit it openly. What did you expect me to do, sit there and act as if I'm unaffected? People were saying all of these things about you that I thought weren't true. I didn't want to hear it. But I did. I wanted to hold onto the old you. But they were right, they were all right. I don't know weather to be hurt, sad, or angry. But I do know that you cannot blame me this time. I will always remember the way you WERE.

Toaday's been a boring day. I played my new game "Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories," the whole day until I had to leave for Karate. My mom dropped me off 7 blocks away and I had to walk to whole damn way. I just about got ranover by one of the city buses. Damn that driver! My mom was half an hour late so I had to sit there waiting for her for a long frigg'in day and now I am at home listening to my new Hoobastank CD and surfing the internet. I can't help but think of my last boyfriend and who I hope will be my next.

yeah yeah I know it's been I while since I've wrote in my diary. Well here's the update. first I lost my best friend. I just had to be wearing make-up for a change. Well it all started when my friend Alex said that my bestfriend Caitlin had been going around telling people that we weren't friends anymore. Just the thought of it made me cry and I ran out of my classroom. I cried for the rest of the day. I was convinced that it was true. So the next day I went up to her and asked her if that was true. She lied and said no. So like in the past I was pissed and not sure who was lieing to me. I hate it when people lie to me because then I don't know who to trust but myself. Well a few days later I went and talked to her again. She said "there was somethign there before but it's not there anymore." Well my mother kept telling me many years before that this would happen but I kept faith in her. I guess it was a waste. We've both changed I don't know if it was for the better or the worse. But she was very unstable before I came along. I feel I was ment to meet her and fix her life a bit. But she's fine now and I don't belong in her life anymore. I knew soemthing was wrong when she started hanging out with "the bad crowd", a crowd that drinks and smokes. She says that she steered them away from that but I don't belive that and she didn't see me or talk to me as much anymore. Well I saw it comming I guess. She made the choice to loose me so I will have to leave her alone now.
Well I had one of the worst christmases ever. My brother drank and ate half of the things I bought for christmas night, we didn't have christmas the way we usually do, I was balmed for everything, I was stuck at my mom's friends house all day, I got kicked in the stomach, and there was alot of fighting.
I've got to tell the truth people. This mystery guy that I like so much it Matt. I'm sorry Cookie but I have to splash my feeling onto my diary don't I? I guess I loved him all along. But now I love him more than ever. The time where we didn't talk or see each other we both changed. But we became more alike. He went goth and I went goth I guess. We were both unawhere. He's so sweet and he's so strong but would never try to hurt his friends. He says if anyone were to try to hurt me that he'd protect me. It started when I had drama class on the first day of school. I knew his sister vuageley. Then I sat by her and we got to know each other and now we are really good friends. Before when we were younger I went to his house and she found out that I liked him. She asked him out for me and I didn't know. He said no. Well she asumed that I stopped likeing him and I did, I think. But then after a while she kept telling me I should go over to his house. So two days before halloween I finally decided to come over. I always rode my bike over. I went over and tried to hangout with Hollie (his sister) but she always went off somewhere so Matt hungout with me, but I kind of surprised him because he had just got out of the shower (yes he was dressed. We watched movies and after a while I was alying on one of his caouches and he sat next to it and started claiming my body parts. It was kind of cute and funny. He said my legs were his and held onto them so I obviously couldn't get away. Then my stomach my eyes, eyebrows, lips, nose, teeth, and ears. I said his name wasn't on then and my DNA was on them so they were rightfully mine. Stupid move Amy, he just happened to have a sharpie in his trench coat pocket and I struggled and screamed. I ended up grabbing it and throwing across the room so if he let me go to get it I'd get away. I liked it. His playful self, his gentle side. I've never seen him angry before, and I hope I never do. Him and his sister told me to come back the next day. I liked it, I liked it so much I did come back the next day. All I can remember from that day is his family went shopping for halloween costumes and I tagged along. Matt of coarse wears his everyday now. Vampire fangs from hot topic, black trench coat, black pants socks, the hole works except for the make-up. He ended up taking my picture with his cell phone in one of the stores. Without me knowing. I HATE CAMERAS!!!! On the way back to his house he sang to his cd. He's a great singer! We got back and the last thing I can remember is him swinging me over his sholder and him screaming "free shot" I didn't understand and got smacked on the ass. I really didn't mind but had fun sicking his sister on him anyways ^_^ Later that day I was laying stomach down on his coauch and he screamed "free shot" again and I flipped over as fast ass I could. Even later on I was laying on the caouch upsidedown next to him and he poked my stomach. He's all "wow you have abs" I'm like "no I don't" and I look down "HOLLY CRAP I HAVE ABS!!!" Then he had his sisters boyfriend come poke my abs and he's all "wow you do have abs" it was really funny and I found out I had abs. They told me I should spend halloween with them. So I did. The original plan was to go with his sister and her friends but that didn't work out so I got put with Matt again... YAY. Well Matt's friends ARE MY friends basically. We all went in a group of like 20 of us. I met a few new people. I went up to Matt's old girlfriend Brooke. We all call her Cookie. I talked to her about what's been going on and how I've been feeling and I asked her if he liked me. She told me that he does that to every girl that's his friend so I lost hope for a while. She told me she still likes him and not to tell him or anyone. She says it hurts her to see him do this to other girls. Earlier that day before we left his house I found myself crying. Crying about him and how it hurt but felt so good when he touched me. He ended up holding me in his arms and stroking my cheek, drying the few tears that dared to fall down to his finger. I wanted him so badly and I still do. That night I found what Brooke said was true. But for some reason I found him to do it to me the most. A few of the girls got angry and I asked them what was wrong and they told me that they didn't want him doing that to him. I told him (cuz I just seem to be the peacekeeper these dayz) and he said he felt bad. I tried to tell them but they were still angry. Brooke told me that when something like this happens he tries to act sad until people forgave him. I tried to talk to him again and he said everyone was angry I told him that I wasn't. Then when I talked to him I felt that the girls were angry with me and when I talked with the girls I felt that he thought that I was saying mean stuff about him. I got so flustered I ended up crying. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he said yes. So I fixed it but he still anted to leave. I said good-bye to everyone and Matt and I started to head back to his house. We got to the top of one of te tallest hills in the area we live in. The scenery was breath taking with all of the city lights. He commented on it and picked me up so I could see better. A little later I told him that my feelings for him had come back and how it hurt . He didn't comment on it and we went back to his house. We watched Ven Hellsing and I left for home. I came back the next day. He always made my day so much better. We watched Blood the last Vampire and he kept sniffing my hair. Later his aunt came over and was watching his family TV because they're power went out. So we went upstairs into his room and watched his TV. We watched Queen of the Damned. We were both lying on his bed and he pulled me close sharing one pillow, one blanket, one bed. He always liked to hiss at me like a vampire and bite my neck with his sharp vampire. But it didn't hurt even though he was close enough to draw blood. He tickled me and I couldn't find his ticklish spot until he least expected me to tickle his stomach. Aperantley he was going out with someone. The girl was a bitch and I'm told she's a lezbian but Matt suposedley didn't know. I don't know her. His sister just told me. Another time I came over he stole my shoes and I had to play a game to win them back. I of coarse won but only because he went easy on me. I knew it and then wrestled with him for doing so. He always smells so good. I swear sometimes I can smell him in the air. He used to wear his hair spiky and up but I like it the way it is now. Down but still spiky. I keep having dreams about him and it's killing me! I think about him almost all of the time. There was this one time I was riding my biking to his house. I was tired and looked down as I was nearing his house. There was a peice of his old ASB card on the ground it was only the picture part. I swear I was destined to pick it up. I've kept it ever since. I haven't had the time to go over to his house lately but I plan on going to his house tomorrow.
Well enough of that. My boyfriend like alot of others I never saw again but I just wish he would have told me. Guys think I'm some fragile unstable girl and don't think I can handle the pain of telling me that it's over. Well guys I've been handling it my whole life.

There's this guy that I liked a few years ago and we were friends but he didn't like me back. So I accepted that and let those feelings die. lately I've been going to his house but now he's always stroking my hair and my cheek and tickling me. The problem is he's going out with someone already. I like him again... even though I don't want to.

well last night was eventful. Last night I was talking in my sleep again. I think I've been doing too much stuff with Harry Potter. Watching it, reading it, and making my own fanfiction based on it. Well last night I said...

"Hermione!" me
(long pause)
"Give me my stuff!" me
"What stuff?" said my sister
"Could you please just give me my stuff?' me
"I don't know where it is." said my sister
"Geez no one ever listens to me." me

I tell you I need something big (not sad) to happen to me. I swear my life is so dull and boring. I need excitement. I've been stuck coopedup in my house for too long. My friends don't even invite me over to their house anymore. I don't really fitin with anyone anywhere. I am just me. All I really do anymore is go on the computer but at least it gives me something. I HAVE OFFICIALLY STOPPED STALKING RYAN. I guess I have b/c I'm so damn obvious and b/c whenever I talk to him I say something stupid and the last time I talked to him I kinda told him I was stalking him. Man I couldn't stop laughing about that one. I mean come on how does "I've kinda been stalking you" slip out? oh well it did. LOL. I'm so funny. Well I never went to the dance. But I swear everywhere I walk I hear of how "so and so" just got together. Sheesh is everyone hooking up but me?! oh well I guess guys who live near me just don't like me.

Well on Thursday I had a chior consert and I was running back to the car when it was over. The car felt stuffy so I asked my mom to roll down the window and my sister had to go and be her bitchy self. We got in this big fight and I was wearing a shit load of make-up and by the time I got home I had maskara running down my cheeks. I ran in the house cause I never let them see me cry anymore. Well 10 minutes ago was living hell to. I have this 50 point assignment due tomorrow but I don't have the instructions for it somy teacher told me to e-mail her. I thought ok my sister has it. I thought my sister would be nice enough to e-mail her for me since I don't have her e-mail but I guess I was wrong. My sister had to act stupid and we got in a fight. Since I don't have the authority to tell her what to do I had to go complain to my mom. Well she was no help either. She starts yelling at me for waking her up. Well there hasn't been a day in my life where my sister hasn't insulted me. I can either fight back with my words or sit there and take it. Either way she'll just keep pushing 'till you want to murder her. Well today I think she went a little far. I'm crying as I'm writing this and now I remember what it is to hate. I want her out of my life forever. She has never been nice to me since the day I was born. There are those sisters who are nice and caring and then there are those who are mean but still care but not my sister. I want to run away and never come back.

Well homecomming is comming up soon and I don't have any money, a ride, or a date. Well I can probably get the money andride from my friends but I'm probably endup going by myself. I haven't been asked yet. I hope Ryan asks me but maybe that's just a wish. Well I'm ganna be stuborn and not ask him. Besides we only just became friends. Well my life has been pretty boringlately. Oh yeah tomorrow I have late arival, karate, a choir concert, and it'sthe new moon! Gee I'm just so lucky. Well I got to find someway to keep myself busy or I'll start being depressed again. Don't worry ppl I'm not stalking Ryan too intensely... just at school. Besides it givesme something to do.

Sorry I haven't written in a while... oh well. Well I thought I should stop saying so much about my karate. I should be earning my Gi pretty soon but my mom says I have to earn it. She dosen't realize how hard karate is and that I'm earning it inmy karate class. Well I feel I've become sort of invisible to alot ofmy friends. But they don't understand when I tell them. Well I've managed on my own. I feel I've become emotionally stronger but I also feel as if I'm pushing away some of my friends. Well there's this new guy that just moved into the trailor park. He's also a freshman. His name is Ryan Price. To keep myself occupied I've been stalking him... lol. He lives 9 houses down and goes to the same school as me. But we don't share any classes. He's REALLY hot but I don't feel he's my type. But he seems really sad and has only one friend, Andrew a guy I've known since the 7th grade. Well I ended up e-mailing Ryan. I ended up screaming at the computer to bring it back but of corse it didn't. Well I talked to one of my friends and she said he never checks his e-mail so I was relived. But just yesterday when me and Ryan were walking home he started talking to me and I was turning red with every second. He said that he received that e-mail and I could have died right there and then. Well at least we talked. He answered a few questions I had in the e-mail. Note to self... next time you e-mail him don't sound so nervous.

hehe my friends think I'm on crack cuz lately I don't know why I've just tried really hard to be happy but that's starting to fade away. I'm in tech connections right now. oh oh I learned a new block the knife hand block (fogot how to say these in japanese) and a new kick, the round house kick.

why do I feel like everyone is constantly lieing to me? Are they really? Trust and truth aren't far appart. I guess I'm hurting so much that I have a knife waiting for me under my pillow.

all I can say is the pain is growing stronger but I'm still dieing ever so slowly. I feel I have too much faith in ppl. Trust is becomming an illusion to me.

hello again... ugh stupid parents. Well I had karate again and learned another block... which is the last one, Shuto uke (knife hand block). So bored and don't know what the hell is going to happen on saturday now.

I don't know what I belive in much anymore. Time is never on my side but yet I always find some way to survive. Well I had karate again to day and I learned 2 new things. Yoko uke (outside block) and Harai uke (downward block).

Blank... it echos in my head. Blank, empty, my soul is dieing slowly and painfully. Little by little I will become a emotionless body, expressionless. Sometimes I wonder if anyone cares. If I even matter. Will anything ever happen or will it be the same everyday. Who will save me before it's too late?

today I went puddle jumping... it was fun ^_^

The dayz have been boring and filled with blankness. But now I've got something to look forward to. A someone is comming over on saturday and I've been dying to see them. "In a sea of darkness there is always a light." I've been doing so much to get ready for their arival andI don't know if my hyper side can stand the wait anymore. "Pacience is a virtue." ... yeah right! Well I had karate again today and I learned Yoko geri (side kick). Yes I ate this time.

orange

I had karate again today but I didn't eat breakfast or dinner last night or breakfast this morning. I was out of energy and I literally fell over. I felt like throwing up. I gotta learn to eat. Today I learned Age uke (rising block)

wow I just read my best friends new house and it made me cry. There's no point to almost anything anymore. All I do is give love and receive hate. From those few who do care they can't do anything cuz they're all so far away. I'm trying so hard to be quiet. I don't want my mother or my sister to see me cry. I can't be anything I want to and now I don't want to be anything because it's just stupid. People hate me for what I like and what I look like. I know it's not fair but it's not like I can do anything about it. It seems everything I do for everyone just isn't good enough. I feel like it doesn't matter if I live or die because I'm not needed or important. But I'm not ganna give up. I'll just live in this hateful life.