This is so bad. v.v My mom says we might have to move to who knows where. It's the governments decision if my mom lets the house go. Plus since I should be going up in rank at karate my sensai says the price for my classes is now $100! So if I can't find some money I'll have to quit! I'm so sad and I don't know what to do.

I spent the whole week off at Mac's house and I've become attracted to Mike. Mac's older brother. Well we got a little close on Sunday but he still has a girlfriend. When he realized what he had done he took it pretty hard. So did I... I still am. I don't know what to do and I blame myself. And Dylan is being such a jerk and this is pretty mean but I truely hate him and I wish he would die. He told me to un-block him cuz he "wants to be friends" so I listened to his crap for a bit. I told him what was wrong and this was the conversation... we were talking about the Mike thing and...

Me: he needs to sort out his feelings right now

Dylan the jackass:He is part of the Boyce Family, He doesn't have feelings.

Me: okay that's it I don't care what you say! that fucking isn't right man! You don't know him! Fuck you, he's the best out of that family! Just because you hate Mac doesn't give you the fucking right to go around talking shit about everyone else in his family! his family has fucking sheltered me for 2 weeks now! They are way better than you'll ever be! You self absorbed mother fucker! You say you don't fucking judge people! Bull shit you don't even know the guy! I don't even know why I gave you another chance. You selfish baby!

He's said so much shit to all of my friends. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of just about everything. I want to see him suffer! He obviously is the one without feelings, he's a cold hearted bastard. Who's alone in this fucked up world and I hope he stays that way! That's right you have no idea how much pain I've had to endure and I don't need anymore shit from you!

yeah well I seriously need to catch up my diary. Okay lets see Char and me spent Valentine's together he got me a huge hershey's kiss and a red and a white rose, which I pressed in a book. Then break came and Char, Cody, and Mitch came over to my house. We walked down to Mac's house. I had fun there and then we went to Jay's house and hung out. Then I started feeling really bad and we ended up going back to Mac's house. I talked to Mac, Cody, and Ryan about that I wanted to break up with Char. I was really close to tears because I felt like a cheap bitch who was using Char (don't worry I wasn't) and I was afraid of hurting Char's feelings and also what Char's parents would think of me. My mom does think I'm a low bastard for breaking up with him. But when I told him he acted as if he didn't even care about our relationship. To tell the truth I was kind of hurt but at least he doesn't hate me... I think. Well I got in trouble with my mom and I didn't even do anything to her and she just flipped out saying that I was evil and non christian just because I like vampires. She says I worship satan and that i don't deserve to live. That really hurt when she said that. Lets see my friend Auistin has this huge crush on me and he said he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him that I was going to Mac's house instead and he freaked out saying that he really wanted me to go over now and I told him maybe on monday but he said that he couldn't wait that he wanted to see me now and it scared me. Now I've been avioding him because he's seriously scaring me. Well I went over to Mac's house again and had a fun time with him, Ryan, and his older brother Mike. I also went over today but then we went to Jay's and then I had to leave for karate. I think I might go over tomorrow. Well now that I broke up with Char I feel like a new person. I look at my veiws and beleifs and they have totally changed. I think it was good that we broke up. I feel that I really rushed into the relationship and didn't take the time to get to know him well enough. I'm ganna make sure I do next time I date someone.

Yeah today is my last day of grounding! *dances around the room* I'm so happy. I can't wait until tomorrow. I might go over to Charlie's house. We were talking on the phone last night and aparently he bought me a present for Valentine's day, and his dad bought me a present for Char to give to me. His parents like me, which is always a good thing ^_^ I can't wait and I'm so happy! Plus completely curious as to what Char go me. *is having trouble keeping control of herselfand bouncing out of the seat* SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! lol. Well I consider me and Caitlin's relationship a hi, bye relationship. Because we usuallyjust pass each other in the hall and say hi. But yesterday I got to spend lunch with her. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff and she drew me a picture of me in my scetch book and a little chibi of Char. Today is going to be a good day, no matter what anyone else says.

Well Char came over on Wednesday after having a haircut. He says that there was too much cut off. I think it's fine, oh well. I got to show him my bunny Spirit. Char says he's scared of bunnies but he seemed to like Spirit. Then we went to Mac's house... long walk x.x Mind you Mac stuck his face in the TV and played video games the whole time.] and me and Charlie watched. I momentarily fell asleep in his lap though. Naughty Amy! *hits her hand and tells herself off* Well we got to see a Rusian execution. I braced myself for worst. Man but now it's imprinted in the back of my mind and keeps playing over and over again. I mean come on you've gotta be pretty emotionally strong or just plain emotionless to see what I saw. Let me describe it to you. The guy getting executed was on the ground and a guy stuck a dagger right in his throat and cut halfway down his neck and there was blood pouring out. You could see the insides of his neck andthe guy was still moving. Thenthey cut the whole head off. I think I needed that though. Well after a while we had to head back for another long walk x.x I think I killed my feet. We played video games when we got back and then Char had to go. I fell asleep right after he left. Well lately I've skipping karate class and my mom found out. Now I'm grounded from seeing Char and going places other than school until she decides otherwise, pluse I have to resine from karate. I ended up silently crying in the shower that night so that no one could hear me. I just screw up everything don't I? Well I just hope I'm un-grounded before Valentine's day. I have to face my Sensei tomorrow. I'm afraid of him being dissappointed or even angry. That's what I get I guess.

Wee tomorrow there's no school so Char's comming over. Though we'll probably have to be outside or at Matt's house the whole time. Oh well, I'm cramming for finals and now my brain hurts ;.; Well see ya suckers.

It was so fun when we went ice skating. At first I was a bit sad to see how fast my friends had changed in the short amount of time I hadn't seen them. Char was really woried about me but I didn't want to ruin his night. I tried to be happy and it worked. I was surprised when I didn't fall, even once! Dylan's plan didn't go through because he didn't even show. After that we went to the skate park and hung out. I ended up chasing Char half of the time, but I forget why. Things got a little muddy but it was fun. We then went back to the sportsplex and just hungout outside. When Char's oarents came we, along with Mac cuz he needed a ride, went to Dairy Queen and then I got to see where Mac lives... MUHAHAHA! When Char walked me to the door my mom opened it... then my whole family came to the door x.x I'm surprised I'm still alive.

I went to Char's house the next day. He invited me to a barbacue party they had. We got to watch family guy, it was fun ^_^ Then we had our little play fights. Hope I didn't do any permanent damage. We watched some stupid videos on the computer and I stred at the full moon through their skylight. Cody kept saying I was going to turn into a Likein (were wolf) On our way home in the car he held me, so cute. And he kissed me on the cheek, I swear i was blushing. His dad and friend tried serinading us, really embarassing for both of us I'm sure. I hugged him and then went inside. I stood against the door and slide down to my knees, checking my pulse. I had no idea my heart was beating that fast. Anyway I went to karate yesterday and he called while I was gone. Unfortunately my mom picked up the phone, she can get really perinoid if the person doesn't state their name. When he told her he was my boyfriend my mom wanted to scare him but thankfully she considered my feelings. Char is going to be taking me ice skating today. Man I'm so clumsy, my ass will probably be bruised by the time I go home. Well see ya later ^_^

Music: Hoobastank
Mood: Pissed/bored
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm so pissed off at two of my friends. One of them I don't think I can forgive. Well I've been hanging out with Ayame lately, and we keep going to my other friend's house, Katie. But when we're there they both totally ignore me. I tried going to her house 2 days ago and I know she was there, I could hear her whispering. I knocked on the door a thousand times then I realized she was ignoring me on purpose. Aperantly my other friend told her not to answer the door cuz it was me AND SHE LISTENED. Now she's trying to apologize. I swear I'm loosing everything. Char is the only thing that's gone right for me. I can't hold back these tears anymore. I've lost so many of my friends lately because they've been making stupid choices.

Music: Josh Groban
Mood: happy/sad
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE I went to Char's house today. ^_^ It was so much fun! First we watched Underworld. IT WAS SO COOL!!!!!!!! I think it's my new fravorite movie. Then we played Halo 2 with is younger brother Mich. I'm not asgood as them. They're family is so cool and his brother Cody has become one of my really good friends. Then I got to eat dinner at they're place. I showed them the pain of my death poke. MUHAHAHA!!! I didn't want to leave but sadly I did *pouts* We poked each other in the car the whole way home. He hugged me right before I got out of the car to go into my house. I can't wait until I go over to their house next. Char is so sweet. ^_^

Music:Linkin Park Reanimation
Mood:Pissed and upset
Well today sucked so bad. I went to Karate and it was really hard today, Sensei says I'm improoving. Went to Char's place but he had to go to his grandparent's house. I get home and go on the computer and no one's on ET. I try to play video games but someone has stolen them and keeps saying they don't have them. I won't name any names. *cough cough* little bro Jesse*cough cough* I tried to watch TV but my bro hogged it andI got in trouble for trying to change the channel. I tried to go to my friend's house and I knew shewas there because I could hear her talking on the phone with her new bestfriend. I knocked and rang the doorbell but I could hear from the whispers through the door that she doesn't want me to come over. I wanted to bust down the door. I yelled at her from the outside. I wouldn't be mad if she had just toldme instead of ignored me. Today sux and all I can do is sleep. I don't want to waist my days away sleeping, waiting for somethig to happen to me.

"Never frown because you never know who's falling for your smile." Beautiful quote, it makes me want to smile. Weeeee I called Char (boyfriend) for the first time. I was surprised, I wasn't that talkative today. Plus I was definately surprised by his voice... it's REALLY low. Well I have my worries but hey, I might as well enjoy life while I can. The one thing I hate the most about falling in love is that you feel like you can't breathe without them. You don't want to spend a moment without them. I hope he's the emotional type. I need him to mend my wounds.

Well yeah I've fallen in love with my friend Charles. I vaugely knew him before but we have the same friends. I talked to him alot and of coarse fell for him. He's a year younger than me and his elftown name is [curator angelus]. Weeeee we're now going out! He's so cute, I've always thought that. Wow I feel giddy... lol. And a special shout out to the ppl that helped us get together. Lets see Dylan and his brother Cody. THANK YOU!!!

Ugh so bored, fighting with my sister, and watching sad movies that make me cry. Christan Slayter is so hot... I was watching "Untamed Hearts" for the millionth time. I love that movie. Lately I really can't stop thinking about Matt. I swear that boy is going to be the end of me. It kills me to think of him. He haunts me. Ugh! Well I might be going over to his house soon to make his elftown account work. His sister forgot her password! Well I'm either ganna walk over there, pump up my tires on my bike an go over there, or get a new bike and go over there. Great it's almost my sister's B-Day. It's on the 14th the same day my friend Mark has his B-Day party UGH!!! It's so frustrating.

Today sux, school is so boring, I want to go home. I get to tell everyone about the crappy time I've had, yay! NOT!!! Well Matt's girlfriend is a satan worshiper and I've heard he's becoming one to. I offered his sister that I have a talk with him and she said yes please. Well Looks like it might happen today, or maybe Wednesday. I just hope I'm not too late. Well I did go later on. His sister told me to go upstairs and wake him up. So I did. He's so cute when he sleeps, no I didn't sit there and stare at him for a little while. I sat next to him on the bed and poked him three times to wake him up. It was funny, he mumbled something about blood. He turned around and was like WOW! it's Amy. I gave him the talk and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. But I am glad that he added that he's glad we care so much. I stood there talking to him with my arms folded. I felt as if I was going to cry because of all of the things I've gone through this past week. I didn't want to loose him. Ugh he grabbed onto my legs again and chewed on my jeans leaving a big wet spot... ewwww. Well Andrew an old friend came over and we had fun just being us. Hehehe Matt keeps a secret vial of his own blood in his room and I know where it is. We went downstairs and watched a anime movie called "Orphen" I think. I begged him for a long while to join elftown and he finally said he'd check it out. I don't think he did, but I'll make sure the next time I go over. It might be Wednesday, or Friday, or Saturday, or whenever I decide.

OMG! My ex-boyfriend showed up out of nowhere last night. I didn't know what to do. I thought he was gone forever. Over the time he was gone I felt as if I was falling out of love with him. I tried to tell myself that this wasn't true. But you can't force yourself to love someone. I told my friend and he told me I should tell him. My ex is the first person I have ever fallen in love with. I told him... I told him everything. I felt so sad, so sick, so much like a heartless bitch. I wanted to cry so bad but the tears wouldn't come. Usually it's the guys breaking my heart, not the other way around! I asked him if I could have three days of breathing time and he granted my wish. I went outside, it was almost 11pm. It's winter time, it was freezing. He kept telling me all these good things about me. I felt so strongly that he was hurting, I don't know if it's true but after all he's been through he probably was. He said he would always love me. Well it looks as if I'm officially single.

I'm so happy now ^_^ my still ex-bestfriend is starting to see what I have been trying to show her for a long time. She's seems a whole lot better and I just want to hug her and be happy for her. Well I spent the night at my friends house for New Years, we stayed up so late. Caitlin made a quiz like me and it only had 5 questions, I answered all of them wrong ;.; it was so hard. Shows how much she's talked to me lately. Oh well.

this is me and caitlin back in the old days, when we were young.

The end of 7th grade

at the end of 8th grade last year. I acidentily dropped it on the last day o school and some jerk ripped it. My friend found it and returned it to me. See we've been friends a long time.

I made a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz_IM.php?quizname=050101051216-142768

Just read my ex-bestfriend's diary. Apparently she's been smoking, she died her hair black, and she thinks of me as a friendly aquaintece. I nean nothing to her... nothing. Yeah I tried to stay strong and act as if nothing was wrong. But it's just not the same without you and if you're reading this I want you to realize what you've done. We used to know everything about each other but now we are complete strangers. How can you just disscard me like that. I cried the tears for you last night. I don't think that you will ever have that gift again. A year ago I would have given my life in exchange for yours, now I'd let you stay in whatever mess you've gotten yourself into. I knew something was wrong when we stopped talking. You changed for the worst and you admit it openly. What did you expect me to do, sit there and act as if I'm unaffected? People were saying all of these things about you that I thought weren't true. I didn't want to hear it. But I did. I wanted to hold onto the old you. But they were right, they were all right. I don't know weather to be hurt, sad, or angry. But I do know that you cannot blame me this time. I will always remember the way you WERE.

Toaday's been a boring day. I played my new game "Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories," the whole day until I had to leave for Karate. My mom dropped me off 7 blocks away and I had to walk to whole damn way. I just about got ranover by one of the city buses. Damn that driver! My mom was half an hour late so I had to sit there waiting for her for a long frigg'in day and now I am at home listening to my new Hoobastank CD and surfing the internet. I can't help but think of my last boyfriend and who I hope will be my next.

yeah yeah I know it's been I while since I've wrote in my diary. Well here's the update. first I lost my best friend. I just had to be wearing make-up for a change. Well it all started when my friend Alex said that my bestfriend Caitlin had been going around telling people that we weren't friends anymore. Just the thought of it made me cry and I ran out of my classroom. I cried for the rest of the day. I was convinced that it was true. So the next day I went up to her and asked her if that was true. She lied and said no. So like in the past I was pissed and not sure who was lieing to me. I hate it when people lie to me because then I don't know who to trust but myself. Well a few days later I went and talked to her again. She said "there was somethign there before but it's not there anymore." Well my mother kept telling me many years before that this would happen but I kept faith in her. I guess it was a waste. We've both changed I don't know if it was for the better or the worse. But she was very unstable before I came along. I feel I was ment to meet her and fix her life a bit. But she's fine now and I don't belong in her life anymore. I knew soemthing was wrong when she started hanging out with "the bad crowd", a crowd that drinks and smokes. She says that she steered them away from that but I don't belive that and she didn't see me or talk to me as much anymore. Well I saw it comming I guess. She made the choice to loose me so I will have to leave her alone now.
Well I had one of the worst christmases ever. My brother drank and ate half of the things I bought for christmas night, we didn't have christmas the way we usually do, I was balmed for everything, I was stuck at my mom's friends house all day, I got kicked in the stomach, and there was alot of fighting.
I've got to tell the truth people. This mystery guy that I like so much it Matt. I'm sorry Cookie but I have to splash my feeling onto my diary don't I? I guess I loved him all along. But now I love him more than ever. The time where we didn't talk or see each other we both changed. But we became more alike. He went goth and I went goth I guess. We were both unawhere. He's so sweet and he's so strong but would never try to hurt his friends. He says if anyone were to try to hurt me that he'd protect me. It started when I had drama class on the first day of school. I knew his sister vuageley. Then I sat by her and we got to know each other and now we are really good friends. Before when we were younger I went to his house and she found out that I liked him. She asked him out for me and I didn't know. He said no. Well she asumed that I stopped likeing him and I did, I think. But then after a while she kept telling me I should go over to his house. So two days before halloween I finally decided to come over. I always rode my bike over. I went over and tried to hangout with Hollie (his sister) but she always went off somewhere so Matt hungout with me, but I kind of surprised him because he had just got out of the shower (yes he was dressed. We watched movies and after a while I was alying on one of his caouches and he sat next to it and started claiming my body parts. It was kind of cute and funny. He said my legs were his and held onto them so I obviously couldn't get away. Then my stomach my eyes, eyebrows, lips, nose, teeth, and ears. I said his name wasn't on then and my DNA was on them so they were rightfully mine. Stupid move Amy, he just happened to have a sharpie in his trench coat pocket and I struggled and screamed. I ended up grabbing it and throwing across the room so if he let me go to get it I'd get away. I liked it. His playful self, his gentle side. I've never seen him angry before, and I hope I never do. Him and his sister told me to come back the next day. I liked it, I liked it so much I did come back the next day. All I can remember from that day is his family went shopping for halloween costumes and I tagged along. Matt of coarse wears his everyday now. Vampire fangs from hot topic, black trench coat, black pants socks, the hole works except for the make-up. He ended up taking my picture with his cell phone in one of the stores. Without me knowing. I HATE CAMERAS!!!! On the way back to his house he sang to his cd. He's a great singer! We got back and the last thing I can remember is him swinging me over his sholder and him screaming "free shot" I didn't understand and got smacked on the ass. I really didn't mind but had fun sicking his sister on him anyways ^_^ Later that day I was laying stomach down on his coauch and he screamed "free shot" again and I flipped over as fast ass I could. Even later on I was laying on the caouch upsidedown next to him and he poked my stomach. He's all "wow you have abs" I'm like "no I don't" and I look down "HOLLY CRAP I HAVE ABS!!!" Then he had his sisters boyfriend come poke my abs and he's all "wow you do have abs" it was really funny and I found out I had abs. They told me I should spend halloween with them. So I did. The original plan was to go with his sister and her friends but that didn't work out so I got put with Matt again... YAY. Well Matt's friends ARE MY friends basically. We all went in a group of like 20 of us. I met a few new people. I went up to Matt's old girlfriend Brooke. We all call her Cookie. I talked to her about what's been going on and how I've been feeling and I asked her if he liked me. She told me that he does that to every girl that's his friend so I lost hope for a while. She told me she still likes him and not to tell him or anyone. She says it hurts her to see him do this to other girls. Earlier that day before we left his house I found myself crying. Crying about him and how it hurt but felt so good when he touched me. He ended up holding me in his arms and stroking my cheek, drying the few tears that dared to fall down to his finger. I wanted him so badly and I still do. That night I found what Brooke said was true. But for some reason I found him to do it to me the most. A few of the girls got angry and I asked them what was wrong and they told me that they didn't want him doing that to him. I told him (cuz I just seem to be the peacekeeper these dayz) and he said he felt bad. I tried to tell them but they were still angry. Brooke told me that when something like this happens he tries to act sad until people forgave him. I tried to talk to him again and he said everyone was angry I told him that I wasn't. Then when I talked to him I felt that the girls were angry with me and when I talked with the girls I felt that he thought that I was saying mean stuff about him. I got so flustered I ended up crying. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he said yes. So I fixed it but he still anted to leave. I said good-bye to everyone and Matt and I started to head back to his house. We got to the top of one of te tallest hills in the area we live in. The scenery was breath taking with all of the city lights. He commented on it and picked me up so I could see better. A little later I told him that my feelings for him had come back and how it hurt . He didn't comment on it and we went back to his house. We watched Ven Hellsing and I left for home. I came back the next day. He always made my day so much better. We watched Blood the last Vampire and he kept sniffing my hair. Later his aunt came over and was watching his family TV because they're power went out. So we went upstairs into his room and watched his TV. We watched Queen of the Damned. We were both lying on his bed and he pulled me close sharing one pillow, one blanket, one bed. He always liked to hiss at me like a vampire and bite my neck with his sharp vampire. But it didn't hurt even though he was close enough to draw blood. He tickled me and I couldn't find his ticklish spot until he least expected me to tickle his stomach. Aperantley he was going out with someone. The girl was a bitch and I'm told she's a lezbian but Matt suposedley didn't know. I don't know her. His sister just told me. Another time I came over he stole my shoes and I had to play a game to win them back. I of coarse won but only because he went easy on me. I knew it and then wrestled with him for doing so. He always smells so good. I swear sometimes I can smell him in the air. He used to wear his hair spiky and up but I like it the way it is now. Down but still spiky. I keep having dreams about him and it's killing me! I think about him almost all of the time. There was this one time I was riding my biking to his house. I was tired and looked down as I was nearing his house. There was a peice of his old ASB card on the ground it was only the picture part. I swear I was destined to pick it up. I've kept it ever since. I haven't had the time to go over to his house lately but I plan on going to his house tomorrow.
Well enough of that. My boyfriend like alot of others I never saw again but I just wish he would have told me. Guys think I'm some fragile unstable girl and don't think I can handle the pain of telling me that it's over. Well guys I've been handling it my whole life.