Life has had it's high highs and low lows since I last wrote. I've found someone I love and hope that won't change. But at the same time I've seemed to been having an inner battle without my knowing. Now it's become apperant to me and I am determined to change for the better. Friends don't expect me to be open anymore. There are just things that I need to keep in the shadows for another day.
sorry kids can't tell you alot of what's happened to me lately.
I'm putting this here so that I don't loose it again ;.; I'm kinda pissed that I did in the first place.
I don’t think you realize how much I love you. The tears that fall from my cheeks are for you-my angel. You are so beautiful in my eyes. You’re more heaven than a heart could hold. My guard, my sanctuary, my heaven, my hiding place, my world, my rhyme and reason, my life, my love, my strength, my joy, my skin, my armor, my breath, my voice, my friend, my missing puzzle piece, my quiet place, my sun and moon, my rhythm and beat, my soul and heart, the smile on my lips, my right from wrong, my one and six, my open door, my glue, my un-cut diamond, my perfect sky, my alpha, my majestic wolf, my precious note, my burning inner flame, my softer side, my soil, my water, my divine shade of blood red, my summer rain, my passion and desire, my landscape, my night and day, my everyday valentine, my ring, my rainbow, my first and last, my dream, my novel, my impossible, my in-between, my morning star, my match, my imagination, my deep pool, my embrace, my soft light, my hero, my me. Softer than you seem but the stronghold of our eternity. The reason I was made. I fit you. The one to hold me up and to catch me when I fall. You found me when I was hiding. You opened my eyes to a new world. An exquisite extreme. You make my head rush.
My reason…
To fight, to live, to breathe, to smile, to rebel, to continue, to taste, touch, feel, hear, smell, think, I believe in love,
Take me away from these prying eyes
Where I can stay with you until the sunrise
My dream, my shinning bubble floating on the light breeze, my fire and ice, my painted clouds on the blue sky, my home, my jewel, my moment, my dream come true, my answered prayer, my
Answer the questions and send them to me please.
What would you do if I?
1) I committed suicide:
2) I said I liked you:
3) I kissed you:
4) I lived next door to you:
5) I started smoking:
6) I stole something:
7) I was hospitalized:
8) I ran away from home:
9) I got into a fight and you weren't there:
What do you think about my:
1) Personality:
2) Eyes:
3) Face:
4) Hair:
5) Clothes:
6) Mannerisms:
Other:
1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) How have I affected you?
5) What do you think of me?
6) What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
8) Do you love me?
9) Have I ever hurt you?
10) Would you hug me?
11) Would you kiss me?
12) Would you make love to me?
13) Would you marry me?
14) Emotionally, what stands out?
15) Do you wish I was cooler?
16) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
17) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
18) Am I loveable?
19) How long have you known me? 20) Describe me in one word.
21) What was your first impression?
22) Do you still think that way about me now?
23) What do you think my weakness is?
24) Do you think I'll get married?
25) What about me makes you happy?
26) What about me makes you sad?
27) What reminds you of me?
28) What's something you would change about me?
29) How well do you know me?
30) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31) Do you think I would kill someone?
32) Are we close?
33) Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
I took this from char's because I thought it would be cool to see the results
There is no such thing as love in my life. I couldn't wait to go over to Mike's house. I really wanted to see him again. He was my angel, my everything. We had planned for him to come see my choir consert which will be happening tonight. He filled out a character profile for my story by my request. Then he got all serious. He said that he didn't think we should be going out anymore. I asked why and he told me that because of my birthday he is 3 years older than me. He said if I were to ever get really angry at him I could go around telling people that he did something to me. If you know what I mean. I asked why he would think that and he told me because he doesn't trust me. That killed me inside. I wanted to cry so bad but I wouldn't let myself do that in front of him. He walked me home, probably for the last time. We didn't hold hands. We were silent practicly the whole way there. I asked what was on his mind and he told me that he wished he could have done it a more graceful way. I got near my house and said I was going to my friends house. He said okay and just left. I went to Ayame's house but she wasn't there so I went to Akane's house. I could still see him walking away. I wanted to run to him and not believe what he just said but I wouldn't. I went to her house and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Then I tried calling Mike and Ryan told me that Mike said "If it's Amy, tell her I'm not here". Ryan said he wanted soemthing like this to happen to me. Ryan told me to call back after Mike left for Taikwando. I went home and I did. I sat in the car talking to Ryan. I didn't want to think badly of Mike. I forced yself not to until Ryan opened my eyes. He was right. I laughed histericly while crying. I'm through with dating. There is no such thing as love. It's just a big lie. Ryan said he'd come to my choir concert tonight. We said good bye and I called Akane and Ayame. They came over and I spared with Ayame to vent. Then I told her with all of the hate and anger in me all that I beieve now. She cried. It was the first time I've ever seen Ayame cry. She said she looked up to me and that she would always back me up. I calmed down. Now I just don't care. Well Mac will be happy now. I wanted to badly to think that Mike was different. I really beieved he was. I guess I was wrong.
"I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away, if I will it all away."
Well things are okay I guess. My dreams are becomming so realistic I can't tell weather they're real or not. I'm happy because my friend will be going to my dojo for the first time today. I hope my mom doesn't try to make me change times. She can be a real bitch sometimes but I love her just the same.
Things are great between me and Mike! I really think I love him. The thing is some people hate me for it. These people will remain nameless by their threat to kill me. They say that Mike has changed and is a "whimp" now. They blame it all on me. How could the way he's acting be my fault? That is not under my control yet they still blame me. They are being a close-minded mother fucker right now and won't listen to me. Even though I'm right. I hate being a careing person. I wish I could just say "Fuck you!" and keep living my life as if everything's okay. But I can't because I have stupid feelings. I hate being blamed for things I didn't do. I even apologized and they said it's my problem. I'm so tired of their bullshit. They need to get a life and stop trying to find something to blame. I never wanted Mike to change and I didn't even know he had. They should be yelling at Mike not me. I got so flustered last night talking to the dipshit that I went into the kitchen, opened the drawer and took out the biggest knife I could fine. I held it up to my stomach. I almost did it this time. I wasn't afraid of the pain anymore. I got as far as cuting my stomach up a bit and through te knife across the room before I did anymore damage. I kept asking the person what they wanted me to do. They kept telling me to firgure something out. How the hell am I supposed to decide something like that. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I cried myself to sleep last night. I kept wishing my heart would stop beating. Will anything ever be okay?
Yay everything is kind of fixed. Well me and Mike started going out on saturday. He's taking me to his schools' coffee house since I couldn't go to mine. I can't wait ^_^ I love you Michael!
This is so bad. v.v My mom says we might have to move to who knows where. It's the governments decision if my mom lets the house go. Plus since I should be going up in rank at karate my sensai says the price for my classes is now $100! So if I can't find some money I'll have to quit! I'm so sad and I don't know what to do.
I spent the whole week off at Mac's house and I've become attracted to Mike. Mac's older brother. Well we got a little close on Sunday but he still has a girlfriend. When he realized what he had done he took it pretty hard. So did I... I still am. I don't know what to do and I blame myself. And Dylan is being such a jerk and this is pretty mean but I truely hate him and I wish he would die. He told me to un-block him cuz he "wants to be friends" so I listened to his crap for a bit. I told him what was wrong and this was the conversation..
Me: he needs to sort out his feelings right now
Dylan the jackass:He is part of the Boyce Family, He doesn't have feelings.
Me: okay that's it I don't care what you say! that fucking isn't right man! You don't know him! Fuck you, he's the best out of that family! Just because you hate Mac doesn't give you the fucking right to go around talking shit about everyone else in his family! his family has fucking sheltered me for 2 weeks now! They are way better than you'll ever be! You self absorbed mother fucker! You say you don't fucking judge people! Bull shit you don't even know the guy! I don't even know why I gave you another chance. You selfish baby!
He's said so much shit to all of my friends. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of just about everything. I want to see him suffer! He obviously is the one without feelings, he's a cold hearted bastard. Who's alone in this fucked up world and I hope he stays that way! That's right you have no idea how much pain I've had to endure and I don't need anymore shit from you!
yeah well I seriously need to catch up my diary. Okay lets see Char and me spent Valentine's together he got me a huge hershey's kiss and a red and a white rose, which I pressed in a book. Then break came and Char, Cody, and Mitch came over to my house. We walked down to Mac's house. I had fun there and then we went to Jay's house and hung out. Then I started feeling really bad and we ended up going back to Mac's house. I talked to Mac, Cody, and Ryan about that I wanted to break up with Char. I was really close to tears because I felt like a cheap bitch who was using Char (don't worry I wasn't) and I was afraid of hurting Char's feelings and also what Char's parents would think of me. My mom does think I'm a low bastard for breaking up with him. But when I told him he acted as if he didn't even care about our relationship. To tell the truth I was kind of hurt but at least he doesn't hate me... I think. Well I got in trouble with my mom and I didn't even do anything to her and she just flipped out saying that I was evil and non christian just because I like vampires. She says I worship satan and that i don't deserve to live. That really hurt when she said that. Lets see my friend Auistin has this huge crush on me and he said he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him that I was going to Mac's house instead and he freaked out saying that he really wanted me to go over now and I told him maybe on monday but he said that he couldn't wait that he wanted to see me now and it scared me. Now I've been avioding him because he's seriously scaring me. Well I went over to Mac's house again and had a fun time with him, Ryan, and his older brother Mike. I also went over today but then we went to Jay's and then I had to leave for karate. I think I might go over tomorrow. Well now that I broke up with Char I feel like a new person. I look at my veiws and beleifs and they have totally changed. I think it was good that we broke up. I feel that I really rushed into the relationship and didn't take the time to get to know him well enough. I'm ganna make sure I do next time I date someone.
Yeah today is my last day of grounding! *dances around the room* I'm so happy. I can't wait until tomorrow. I might go over to Charlie's house. We were talking on the phone last night and aparently he bought me a present for Valentine's day, and his dad bought me a present for Char to give to me. His parents like me, which is always a good thing ^_^ I can't wait and I'm so happy! Plus completely curious as to what Char go me. *is having trouble keeping control of herselfand bouncing out of the seat* SQUEEEEEEEEEEE
Well Char came over on Wednesday after having a haircut. He says that there was too much cut off. I think it's fine, oh well. I got to show him my bunny Spirit. Char says he's scared of bunnies but he seemed to like Spirit. Then we went to Mac's house... long walk x.x Mind you Mac stuck his face in the TV and played video games the whole time.] and me and Charlie watched. I momentarily fell asleep in his lap though. Naughty Amy! *hits her hand and tells herself off* Well we got to see a Rusian execution. I braced myself for worst. Man but now it's imprinted in the back of my mind and keeps playing over and over again. I mean come on you've gotta be pretty emotionally strong or just plain emotionless to see what I saw. Let me describe it to you. The guy getting executed was on the ground and a guy stuck a dagger right in his throat and cut halfway down his neck and there was blood pouring out. You could see the insides of his neck andthe guy was still moving. Thenthey cut the whole head off. I think I needed that though. Well after a while we had to head back for another long walk x.x I think I killed my feet. We played video games when we got back and then Char had to go. I fell asleep right after he left. Well lately I've skipping karate class and my mom found out. Now I'm grounded from seeing Char and going places other than school until she decides otherwise, pluse I have to resine from karate. I ended up silently crying in the shower that night so that no one could hear me. I just screw up everything don't I? Well I just hope I'm un-grounded before Valentine's day. I have to face my Sensei tomorrow. I'm afraid of him being dissappointed or even angry. That's what I get I guess.
Wee tomorrow there's no school so Char's comming over. Though we'll probably have to be outside or at Matt's house the whole time. Oh well, I'm cramming for finals and now my brain hurts ;.; Well see ya suckers.
It was so fun when we went ice skating. At first I was a bit sad to see how fast my friends had changed in the short amount of time I hadn't seen them. Char was really woried about me but I didn't want to ruin his night. I tried to be happy and it worked. I was surprised when I didn't fall, even once! Dylan's plan didn't go through because he didn't even show. After that we went to the skate park and hung out. I ended up chasing Char half of the time, but I forget why. Things got a little muddy but it was fun. We then went back to the sportsplex and just hungout outside. When Char's oarents came we, along with Mac cuz he needed a ride, went to Dairy Queen and then I got to see where Mac lives... MUHAHAHA! When Char walked me to the door my mom opened it... then my whole family came to the door x.x I'm surprised I'm still alive.
I went to Char's house the next day. He invited me to a barbacue party they had. We got to watch family guy, it was fun ^_^ Then we had our little play fights. Hope I didn't do any permanent damage. We watched some stupid videos on the computer and I stred at the full moon through their skylight. Cody kept saying I was going to turn into a Likein (were wolf) On our way home in the car he held me, so cute. And he kissed me on the cheek, I swear i was blushing. His dad and friend tried serinading us, really embarassing for both of us I'm sure. I hugged him and then went inside. I stood against the door and slide down to my knees, checking my pulse. I had no idea my heart was beating that fast. Anyway I went to karate yesterday and he called while I was gone. Unfortunately my mom picked up the phone, she can get really perinoid if the person doesn't state their name. When he told her he was my boyfriend my mom wanted to scare him but thankfully she considered my feelings. Char is going to be taking me ice skating today. Man I'm so clumsy, my ass will probably be bruised by the time I go home. Well see ya later ^_^
Music: Hoobastank
Mood: Pissed/bored
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm so pissed off at two of my friends. One of them I don't think I can forgive. Well I've been hanging out with Ayame lately, and we keep going to my other friend's house, Katie. But when we're there they both totally ignore me. I tried going to her house 2 days ago and I know she was there, I could hear her whispering. I knocked on the door a thousand times then I realized she was ignoring me on purpose. Aperantly my other friend told her not to answer the door cuz it was me AND SHE LISTENED. Now she's trying to apologize. I swear I'm loosing everything. Char is the only thing that's gone right for me. I can't hold back these tears anymore. I've lost so many of my friends lately because they've been making stupid choices.
Music: Josh Groban
Mood: happy/sad
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE I went to Char's house today. ^_^ It was so much fun! First we watched Underworld. IT WAS SO COOL!!!!!!!! I think it's my new fravorite movie. Then we played Halo 2 with is younger brother Mich. I'm not asgood as them. They're family is so cool and his brother Cody has become one of my really good friends. Then I got to eat dinner at they're place. I showed them the pain of my death poke. MUHAHAHA!!! I didn't want to leave but sadly I did *pouts* We poked each other in the car the whole way home. He hugged me right before I got out of the car to go into my house. I can't wait until I go over to their house next. Char is so sweet. ^_^
Music:Linkin Park Reanimation
Mood:Pissed and upset
Well today sucked so bad. I went to Karate and it was really hard today, Sensei says I'm improoving. Went to Char's place but he had to go to his grandparent's house. I get home and go on the computer and no one's on ET. I try to play video games but someone has stolen them and keeps saying they don't have them. I won't name any names. *cough cough* little bro Jesse*cough cough* I tried to watch TV but my bro hogged it andI got in trouble for trying to change the channel. I tried to go to my friend's house and I knew shewas there because I could hear her talking on the phone with her new bestfriend. I knocked and rang the doorbell but I could hear from the whispers through the door that she doesn't want me to come over. I wanted to bust down the door. I yelled at her from the outside. I wouldn't be mad if she had just toldme instead of ignored me. Today sux and all I can do is sleep. I don't want to waist my days away sleeping, waiting for somethig to happen to me.
"Never frown because you never know who's falling for your smile." Beautiful quote, it makes me want to smile. Weeeee I called Char (boyfriend) for the first time. I was surprised, I wasn't that talkative today. Plus I was definately surprised by his voice... it's REALLY low. Well I have my worries but hey, I might as well enjoy life while I can. The one thing I hate the most about falling in love is that you feel like you can't breathe without them. You don't want to spend a moment without them. I hope he's the emotional type. I need him to mend my wounds.
Well yeah I've fallen in love with my friend Charles. I vaugely knew him before but we have the same friends. I talked to him alot and of coarse fell for him. He's a year younger than me and his elftown name is [curator angelus]. Weeeee we're now going out! He's so cute, I've always thought that. Wow I feel giddy... lol. And a special shout out to the ppl that helped us get together. Lets see Dylan and his brother Cody. THANK YOU!!!