Mood: apathetic...

You know I never really knew what that word meant. Really i still don't. I just know that my mind is in a sad scary place right now where I would really rather not be. Today something really confusing happened and I don't know what to do. Emily has been acting all wierd for the past couple months and it just kinda came to a climax today. During the time she was away I really felt ok and like I was single. I even almost broke up with her but I decided I shouldn't. Now I am at a lack of confidence. Emily has been acting really wierd lately and I really think she is cheating or at least hiding things from me. I know she is hiding things from me because I find out about little things that she doesn't tell me all the time and it makes me really uncomfortable because she has cheated on me before and I know she is lying. I want her to be mine and only mine and right now she isn't mine at all. I broke up with her because I hope it would shock her and show her how serious I am and I was hoping she would come back to the way she used to be after realising she was losing me. She is just so ok with the fact that we are breaking up and she is like oh I'm not ready for a relationship but we were still together this morning. I get mad because she doesn't want to talk to me and she doesn't want me to touch her and she doesn't even treat me like a friend never mind a boyfriend. I know it all adds up to say that I shouldn't even want to be with her because she is a bitch and she ca't be trusted. I love her so much though and she is such a huge part of my life. I don't remember how to live without her. i know she misses me. I can hear it in her voice. Why can't we make up this time. She drives me crazy so much you just couldn't understand. I'll be ok because I am a fighter, a survivor. Emily is no different then Alli lately. She doesn't want anything to do with me and she certainly doesn't act like a girlfriend should. She was planning on spending 10 dollars on me for Christmas. Can you believe that? We would have been together 8 months and all i am worth to her is $10. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I guess I just wish she was more like me. I just don't want to worry. Today I just wanted to smack her so hard. I was pounding my desk in psychology. Even my own girlfriend makes me feel unwanted. Maybe I would be better off dead. My boxcutter is always the sharpest. Oh God it would be so easy...just one clean cut. Maybe later...or at least not now. I just need to cry my heart out and at least die on the inside for a time. Sunshine won't you leave me alone? I live in darkness now. Just let it go and let it be. and it's all over 1, 2, 3...

I dumped Emily because she is always lying and hiding something from me. I gave her plenty of chances to just tell me but she refused so I dumped her. I can't believe how much of a bitch she is being she must not care about me at all. Whatever I'm sure someone will love me some day and they won't be fucked up in the head.

I went over Emily's house tonight and we watched a couple movies. I got back a little after 10:30. I'm happy and I am glad to be with her. She looked so beautiful tonight. She is my baby girl. I love her. I guess that is all really.

I went over Emily's house tonight and we watched a couple movies. I got back a little after 10:30. I'm happy and I am glad to be with her. She looked so beautiful tonight. She is my baby girl. I love her. I guess that is all really.

I just don't get it. Every bit of sense says we should hate eachother but somehow I'm hooked. We are nothing at all alike and we hate how eachother are. We don't think the same or act the same and she is not outgoing at all. As days go by I can only think of more things I hate about her and less that I like. I'm so scared to lose her and when we are apart I miss her badly. She isn't the one I'm looking for and I know that. I might even be starting to crush on someone a little. I'm not sure about that one though. Emily is so boring and she never does anything fun or exciting. She doesn't even act like herself around me. I see myself as being a fun person and Emily just isn't. She won't clib trees, she won't be brave, she won't try new things, she won't face her fears, she refuses to tell me why she is upset and she dwells on the stupidest things. I swear sometimes I just want to wring her neck. Then she gives me that smile...and it's like everything in this world that was wrong just magically became right again. There is no doubt that I love her. I just wish i could find someone I'm crazy about. I'm just stuck between...I don't even know.

I love Emily so much we've been together for 6 months and everything is awesome.

It isn't about pride, it's about truth. I don't want to fight with her but I don't even know if it is about how she gets. Sometimes I just wonder if she really cares. I know she is a real person but I know she lied when I was with her before. I think she's changed but at times I'm not so sure. If I meant anything to her would she still push me away like this? I wrote that last poem with her in mind. I wish she would just come to me. I'm not so ready to leave her behind. I guess I'm just waiting. Why is everything so confusing. Part of me feels like it doesn't even care. I guess all I can do is wait. I did make the first move. Oh well I'm sure it will all work itself out. I just wish I knew what to think. I hate how she turns into this person sometimes that I know that I don't know. It is so hard to deal with because I do care and to see her being a bitch to everyone I just can't take it. I always swore I would keep her from turning into something she doesn't want to be and that I would point out her problems and mistakes. I just don't know what it all means and what it is all about any more.

I finally wrote a new poem...


i really need to talk to you I don't know what to say but every time I look at you my words get in the way my mind is slowly melting my heart's begun to frost and centuries of wandering have only got me lost creatures hide behind my eyes with every time I stare though everybody looks at me I doubt they really care slide across the frozen pond and sinking slowly through I'll just continue wondering what I'm supposed to do

I miss Emily something awful. I wish the sleepover had gone so much better and I feel like the us that was then and the us that is now are different. I feel like we had the time and we wasted it. I hope we get another chance to do it right. I feel like I am getting older and losing everything that I have. I don't know what I want to do for work and I kinda just want to die now while am still happy. Kill me while I'm happy and I will never be sad again. Emily is scared about me and Leah in june which is in 9 months. She is worried about what might possibly happen in 9 months. I just know that if the time comes around and me and Emily are still together then i won't even want to do anything with leah. Oh well if I don't get that package soon I probably won't be going down anyway. Without trust there is nothing and I am not about to go stay with someone like that if I don't trust them. I guess that's about all I miss you Emily I love you.

I just feel like everything is same old same old. I have to move some stuff from the barn into the basement. I might be seeing Emily tonight I hope I do. not really a lot to say today just bleh.

Have you ever wanted two things and known in your heart that things could only be one way? I don't know why anything happenes but I have hope that it will all work out. Part of me hopes me and Emily arent together in June because it will make things easier and less complicated. The army would tear me away from a single standing ground that I might be able to have. Basically I wouldn't be able to settle down really. I want to make decisions that will make me happy but I guess I just have to build off what I have. I have a while to decide what I want to do and i don't know. I love that Emily is supportive of whatever I want to do but I wish she would help me make the decision. My grandmother is trying to shun me away from the army and tell me all these things that aren't true in a futile attempt to scare me. I'm not scared and I know that it would be a great life for me. I think I would get bored if I was in the movie profession or if I did any other kind of job. I can't stand sitting in one spot and doing the same thing and the idea of doing the same thing for the rest of my life scares me and makes me feel claustrophobic. Ya know I do want to be all that I can be and I do want to have that sense of pride and power. I want to know that I have respect and power and that I can do something. To me an army of one says to me that one man can turn the tides of battle or even of life and politics. I've always wanted to join the army ever since I can remember. We used to have rock fights when I was as young as kindergarten and I just loved the feeling of combat like it is this thirst. If I enlist I don't want to be sitting around at a desk. I want to be out there blowing peoples fuckin heads off and being a fuckin killing machine. I'm an adrenaline junky and I just know that I would be in this constant state of euphoria. I'm almost positive that this is what I want to do. Blah I don't know.

Emily thinks my mom hates her and she is a total wierdo about me giving her rides home from school and stuff. Today she got all mad for like no reason and it just really really bugs me. The recruiter came to my ouse today from the ARMY. I think it sounds really good and really fun and I think it might be what I want to do. It is all just happening so fast and I don't know what to think of it all. When Emily should be by my side she is causing me stress. I got into her graphic design class today because someone is dropping it specifically so I can get in. I don't deserve that. There is nothing special about me, not now. I just want to talk to Emily. When I talk to her she makes me feel like my life has meaning and it is getting harder to feel that way. Why do I bother writing in here so much anyway? It's not like anyone reads it except for Emily now and then. If you read my diary I want you to send me a message and let me know. I always like when people make comments.

Today I was in a horrible mood and she came to me and it made me so happy and feel warm inside. I'm so glad I have her and I'm so lucky. I love her so much. Her mom called my cell earlier and I answered the ohone "I was just thinking about you". Apparently she hadn't gotten home on the bus or something and now I have been calling and no one is home. Blah I hope everyhting is ok but I'm sure it's ok. I feel so bad cuz I blew her off twice today when I told her I would meet her between classes. I was doing things for her and I have a big supprise for her I just can't say what yet because I don't want her to find out.

Whenever she talks to me my body seems to melt. When she is gone I am scared and I wonder what she is doing and I don't feel like I can trust her at all. She has lied and hidden things from me on several ocasions and has gotten more chances and broken those too. I feel like I am the butt of the joke and like everyone knows what is going on except me. I really think she is cheating on me or at least is ready to. She dumped me and then spent the next 3 days trying to get me back. I don't understand how things could have changed so much. When I am with her she makes me happy and when I am away she makes me uncomfortable. I just want to let her go and move on with my life so she can't play me and drag me down again. I wanna quite while I am ahead and go on to another relationship. I don't know why. I'm just confused and scared really. I flirted with Leah a little last night. I don't think it was too bad but it makes me feel like my heart isn't totally with Emily any more. I don't think...I think I might be falling out of love with her and I am trying to make myself happy more then her. I'll always love her but I just don't know any more. I deffinately don't trust her one bit. I don't say it back when she tells me she loves me. I'm not really trying to prove anything I just don't really feel it. I kinda just don't even care any more. It could be because it is getting to be fall and that is when my depression sets in. Maybe I should just stick it out. Who cares if you get cheated on I guess I men if I find out...what am I saying I don't even know what I'm saying. Maybe I'll just wait in my bed until someone comes to find me. I do that every winter and fall. I hope someone comes to find me this time. Winters always hurt the most. I wish everything could be better again. I don't like the cold.

Everything is so confusing now. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm so hopelessly devoted to her and it shouldn't be so confusing I know. She has hidden things from me and hurt me so many times before. I try to trust but it just gets to be really hard and though I know sometimes I don't want to be with her and I want something else or whatever but I just don't know any more and I know that I'm devoted and totally all about her. I need help or to talk or something. I guess I'll go call her or something.

I'm just so confused I don't know what to do about anything any more. I just need Emily to hold me and to talk to her. I hope she calls me soon.

Dear diary...haha I just always wanted to say that

I don't know what to think I keep dreaming about this girl and her horse and it is always the same girl in all my dreams and I think it might be Johnna but she is deffinatly twice as hott as Johnna. What does it mean? I feel so uncomfortable when I think about being with Emily. I wish I could be with that girl in my dreams. She enters this contest with her horse and I watch but she doesn't know I am watching and then she sends me this cd or something by way of someone bringing it up to me and being like oh it's from that girl over there and when I go up to her she is like I've liked you for some time now and I want to make ou happy and be everyhting you always wanted. it makes me smile and it makes me happy and we ride her horse and hang at the stables and it is just so good. My perfect girl is about 5'6 with slightly wavy hair but not too much and it's brown hair that is kind of highlighted and she has a geat horse and lives in the country and thinks uniquely. Johnna used to say that hostess cup cakes were a balanced meal because they had wheat and flour and milk lol I kind of miss those times. I wish she hadn't been such a liar about everything. I think Emily was perfect in that she showed me how I should be treated and how I could be treated by a girl and she showed me that I could get a girl that lives near by if I just tried. She makes me feel attractive and I guess I've learned things to bring into my next relationship. I am so bad at letting people go and I don't want to let Emily go. I don't know what I want and I hope I figure it out soon. I feel like I am going to start having feelings for another girl and that I wil end up dumping Emily for that other girl. I just feel this way because right now I just don't feel the way I used to. She drags me into this group of people who are just lower then low and she doesn't want what I want in a relationship. I don't even know what I want right now. I kind of just want to go fishing and just relax. I got laid off from my job yesterday. Now I am jobless and I hardly consider where I live to be my home. I don't think she appreciates me. Resistance is futile. I don't want to hurt anyone I never wanted to hurt anyone. I guess I'll just do things as they feel right and if she decides to do other things then so be it. I don't need her any more and I know I can live without her. I'm supposed to see her today, some time soon. I don't know what to do anymore. It's only boring because we are so different that we clash and we simply are not compatible. She says so many stupid things and she believes them with all of her heart. I feel bad for her for being brought up in such a brain washing environment. She thinks that her mother punnishes her for more then kissing because her mother is doing her a favor and trying to help her. "help her grow as a christian" she says. What a total complete load of bullshit all religion has ever done was start wars and create hate. all this because people can't stand to think that there is no point to life and that when you are dead it is all over. I really just hate Emily almost all the time. There are some times when we are together and everything is just fine but then when we start talking about anything she just makes me so mad. I don't think we belong together I really don't. I'm just praying and trying to stick with it and hoping that things will change and I will be happy and content in everything that we have together. If I had to answer honestly I don't think this will last more then a couple more weeks but I know that my opion on things change every day. I just feel like I have had my fill and like I am done with all of this. The End

I just don't get Emily. I love her so much and she just doesn't get it. She has all these girls that she calls friends but the truth is they all talk shit behind her back and none of them want to be around her. They put me down to my face and behind my back and they put her down to me and behind her back. I tell her about it and they get mad at me for sticking up for her. She is my girlfriend...it's my job to stick up for her...I love her. I tell her about it all and try to help her and she still tries to go out and do things with them she talks to them ocasionally and what not.I just want her to just stop hurting herself the more she is with them the more she gets hurt. She is being so blind and stupid about all this and I just don't understand. and also I have one other problem. I HATE when she goes out without me and does things without me because I never want to do anything without her. I know it isn't her intent and that she should be able to do things without me. I just get so jelous I am such a jelous person. I asked her to ask if she could do something with me tonight and she called her friends to see if they could go out instead. I could be wrong but that is how I heard it. I want her to know that I love her and I know that I wouldn't be such a weirdo about things. She thinks I don't want people to know about her but I always always talk about her to everyone. I am so happy to be with her. I do try to be understanding. She flirts with guys when I am not arround and I hate it. I just want to know that everything will always be ok. I love her I just am a jelous freak. urg alright I guess I'm done.

I don't know I am trying to make Emily like me and be interested and stuff but I really don't know what to say or do any more. She says she flirts with guys and shit and that is so bullshit because I don't do that so why should she. I don't understand any of it at all. I guess that's all I really feel like writing.