I haven't written anything here. Just a thought, i'm probably one of the few people who take this section seriously. I'm doing exams...o levels. aka the junior certificate examination. Two more days...

But i haven't stopped looking back on the past year. So many things have happened. So many things...i don't seem to have enough energy to continue on anymore. I'm exhausted. I need to stop. I need the world to stop. Or else less selfish, I should stop. So many things have happened. Looking back in the past no year has been like this year before. I fear for the future..the past has been so frightening and gloomy i'm fear what the future holds. each day i wonder. I don't live in today anymore. It's either yesterday or tomorrow. I want to come back in between. Yet again i don't regret my past actions...i don't hate what has happened. It seems i'm more grown up...i'm no longer hyper and laugh at stupid things. but i still wonder...

hey way cool, i'm Donnie darko! wooo! I love that movie so much...it's the best..ever!!!

(picture courtesy of
http://hope.falling-star.org/donnieq.html)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world . . . world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

- gary jules, mad world

I wrote this ages ago...decided to put it up. It's full of self pity and I was shit depressed, but i'm alright now. :)

Screaming, deceiving, bleeding
myself
No one's listening
Always being defeated
No one can find the problem
Always confusing myself
Now I can't trust myself anymore
I can't see,
My vision is blurring more and more
I'm stuck here
On an empty desert
I give up
I cam here in the first place
i can't find my way back
I give in
Is there any point
In waiting to be saved?

Who are you?

How do you describe yourself?

To answer these two questions, you will very likely have to refer to your own history, to a past that has been lived through, but to which you are undoubtedly tied, and from which you find it difficult to escape. What are your self-descriptors? are they neat little labels that you have accumulated over a lifetime? Do you have a drawer full of self-definitions which you use on a regular basis? They may include tags such as I'm nervous, I'm shy, I'm lazy, i'm not musical, I'm a klutz, I'm forgetful, and a whole catalog of additional I'ms that you use...Self-descriptors are not themselves inappropriate, but they can be used in harmful ways. The very act of labeling might be a specific dterrent to growth. It's easy to use the label as a justification for remaining the same.

"Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and are not overly happy nor depressed. You are emotionally balanced and should find peace in the way you deal with life situations. Your emotions are normal and well understood. You see the light in the dark."

you've got to be kidding me...lol.

This is an e-mail i got ages ago, decided to stick it up. whoever reads this, it'll really cheer you up and make you think. it's soooo sweet!!!

"No guy is worth your tears & when you find one that is, he won't make you
cry.

Everyone says you only fall in love once but that's not true, every time I
hear your voice I fall in love all over again

If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be
broken but a circle goes on forever

When I first saw you I was afraid to talk to you*When i first talked to you
I was afraid to like you*When i first liked you i was afraid to love
you*Now that I love you I m afraid to lose you

A KISS BLOWN IS A KISS WASTED THE ONLY REALLY KINDA KISS IS A KISS TASTED

A MeMoRy LaStS 4eVeR NeVeR DoEs it DiE TrUe FrieNdS StAy toGeThEr AnD NeVer
SaYs GoOdByE 

Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep Because Reality Is Better Than A
Dream

If you love me like you told me please be careful with my heart you can
take it; just don't break it or my world will fall apart

Fine guys open my eyes, smart guys open my mind but only a sweet guy can
open my heart

Dream as if you'll live forever...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

*§omewhere There'§ §omeone Who Dream§ Of Your §mile, And Find§ In Your
Pre§ence That Life I§ Worth While, §o When You Are Lonely, Remember It'§
True: §omebody, §omewhere Is Thinking Of You*

Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your
smile :)

*You can fall from the sky* *You can fall from a tree* *But the best way to
fall* *Is in love with me*

If You Luv Me... Let Me Know... If You Don't... Then Let Me Go...

I loved you once ...<3
you loved me not...<3
I loved you twice....<3
but I forgot......<3
you never loved me ..<3
you never will...<3
but even so...<3
I love you still.......<3

Tell me if you love me....
. tell me if Its true...
Let me be your forever......
and 4 ever it will be me and you"

Extremely tired. Attended a maths seminar today. It was all right. I begun to feel faint during the end: lack of oxygen. Came home. Mum tired. She’s been cooking all day. No body understands her. My dad told me to go help her. I emptied the dishwasher and helped to make bread. Then dad got told me to get off the net and help mum giving out I didn’t help her. He turned off my Internet. Bastard. I shouldn’t say this…. but I really hate my family at the moment. I don’t know why. I guess it’s just a teenage thing. I hate them for stupid reasons. And I believe I’m a reasonable person…but I do stuff without thinking. I say stuff without thinking. I talk a lot of shit basically. For some strange reason people find me interesting. I think I’m in love again. Shit…shit. Fuck. No! Love is something I’m not good at. I know much about it… but me in love? Gosh. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’d do anything for love. To be romantic. Once I cried I was so much in love. Love…grrrr. Being in love ends up with my heartbreak. Usually. No body ever knows it but I’m very shy. Despite my talking shit habit I’m shy. I don’t say anything deep or romantic unless I’m in a particular situation or I’m writing. If anybody who knew me knew what I’m thinking about when I’m love, they’d be very surprised. I’m a strange kid. On the outside I’m a clumsy weirdo. On the inside I’m a philosophical hopeless romantic. The last time I fell in love didn’t turn out well. It’s pathetic really, but when I had gathered up to the courage to get someone to tell him I fancy him, he rejected me. Saying he didn’t like me “that” way. When my friend told me, I sounded disappointed. But I was much worse. I cried myself to sleep. Even when I think about it now, I begin to feel the tears wanting to break free. I think that’s pathetic, I should be over it now. But I really liked him. He was the nicest guy ever. And I got rejected. Since then, love has been something I’ve been avoiding. However, it followed me like a shadow, like a stalker. And it’s got me again. Thinking about him makes my heart pound, makes my heart go faster, my thoughts always go to him no matter what I’m thinking. I want to go in the corner and think of him. Why is life so cruel? Why is everything so impossible? Why…
People say that when I speak to them I don’t look at them in the eyes. It’s because the eyes are the windows to the soul; when you look in them you get to know a lot about a person. My soul is something personal, if you must look into my eyes, you should earn my trust and my friendship. When people see pictures of me looking straight at the camera, emotions are quickly spotted but clues about my past is revealed. Thank god. My past is something strange. I’ve only told a few people about my past. The few people I’ve told, only one person has not forgotten. I can trust that person with my life. Looking into someone’s eyes would be overwhelming. It’s a shame. Some people tell me when I stare into their eyes they get overwhelmed and shocked. I can’t lie. In my past, I was lost. Major things took place and I promised myself I would keep all of it a secret. I’ve broken that promise after 12 years. But yet again, I haven’t told the people who would help me find myself and heal the inner child. Look into my eyes and you will see love, kindness, my past, the present, emotions and my soul. 
sorry for rambling on whoever read this.

Quit acting so friendly,
Don’t nod, don’t laugh all nicely,
Don’t think you’ll upend me.
Don’t sigh, don’t sip your iced tea.
And don’t, “it’s been a while…”
And don’t flash that stupid smile.

Don’t ask me how I’ve been.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten,
You never liked that necklace.
So cordial, so rotten,
Kiss, kiss, let’s meet for breakfast.
Don’t show up so on time
And don’t act like you’re so kind.

Don’t ask me how I’ve been.

Don’t sit there and play just
So frank, so straight, so candid,
So thoughtful, so gracious,
So sound, so even-handed.
Don’t be damn benign
And don’t waste my blasted time.

Don’t ask me how I’ve been.

By OK GO (don't ask me)

Last summer
Our farewell was a sudden kiss
From then on
I thought of you everyday
You cuddled me by the warmth of the sun
You kissed me by the gentle breeze
You talked to me by the chirping of the birds
We met in my dreams
I was drowned in my thoughts
Simply thinking about you
Making everything complicated
Then came that faithful Spring Day
You told me about your new lover
My heart sank
I was happy for you
Even when
My tears of my sadness wet my cheeks
I blamed myself for everything
The stupidity
The “love”
My own lies
The funny thing is
I still Love you
But differently.

I wish I could be full of enthusiasm
a sense of inner peace
Inner security
I wish my courage would have the courage to roar
not afraid to be full of integrity
be generally balanced and filled with joy
and be in complet harmony
Not afraid to fight for my freedom
or at least act free
I'd love to radiate positivity
and grant happiness to others
the pleasure of openness
without feeling insecure
To be spontaneous, gracefull and beautifull
certainly is appealing
To be mused
and be a muse for all
Instead of a freezing heart
Give it heat so it'll be forever warm and gentle
To obtain the creativity of a child
To be strong enough to make solid commitments
practising the art of caring, loving and gentleness
To have power and focus
and the playfullness of a toddler
To be compassionate for everything

I'm nothing.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become

now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

This monky's gone to heaven!
in Dib's greasy hair!

A shower of rain
Is like the pain
Between old love and new
So i'll stand up straight
Arms stretched out wide
Face towards the sky
For you

And let the drops mix with my tears
And let the pour wash off my fears
I'll let you go
So long my dear

Oh look
Here comes the sun

the cup is not half empty as pessimists say
as far as he sees, nothing's left in the cup
a cup full of nothing for him to indulge
since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up

a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing and all that he was, was just a tragedy

so he voyages in circles, succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance first got him there

then in violent frustration, he cries out to god or just no one
is there a point to this madness, and all that he was, was just a tragedy

he feels alone
his heart in his hand he's alone
he feels alone
i feel..

then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled, and he yelled
fighting frustration, he cries out to god or just no one
is there a point to this madness, and all that he was, was just a tragedy

(The Used - Poetic Tragedy)

Saw the Ring last night. Endless images of her coming out of the tv. then i got scared of my computer ha ha. haven't been scared like that in a long time. Sisters coming tomorrow! wooooooooo!!! i must draw...people...haven't drawn in years...must...draw...AARGH!

i think i should write in my actual diary...hmmm...

Had the crappiest day today. BlOODY HELL. that's all i have to say about it. well...there's more. In a philosophical mood and can't stop thinking about the mysteries of life. all this thinking has given me a headache. I had this bamboo thing..i dunno why. It smelt ROTTON, like petrol and ya know what?? It tasted like it too! EUCH! I had to eat lots of chocolate to get the taste out of my mouth. I always thought Durian was the worst food for tasting and smelling like petrol. obviously im wrong.

I'm tired and exhausted from school. Tomorrow is the last day of the 3rd school term!! Hurray! can't wait until the summer...mmmm...i wanna donut! lol.