every time i get up a bit, i'm just knocked back down, and there's never any reason... i wanna dig my own little shelter, and spend the rest of my life just hiding away from the world, protected from everyone so i never have to worry about being hurt again...

"You have to be the cutest gravedigger I've ever seen... And all your lonely nights... In the city of lights are much like.... All these crowded bars I so often find my secret self going to... Fuck you Aurora, you took my only friend... And although it's all my fault, the blaming myself had to come to an end so I say... Fuck you Aurora... You took my only friend... You'll never catch me behind the wheel... Of a Chrysler ever again..."
~Alkaline Trio
"Fuck You Aurora"

"I'm always swimming... Against... The flow of the tide.... Kissing the life into something that's already died... I've been drowning forever.... I let go... I dive into the river and flow.... f....l....o....w...."
~Transister
"Flow"

Still happy the day after my birthday, now even more than before... When will this happiness end??? LOL :)

Well, today is my birthday, and I got the best gift I've ever gotten in my life!!! It may seem insignificant to everyone in the world but the people here at home who know me and Guy (the best friend who gave it to me), but it's seriously the only gift I've ever gotten that made me cry...
It's a three year old Oscar the Grouch wrist band, which doesn't sound very special does it? Well, let me tell you the story...
(no lies, i'm swearing on my baby's life!!!) He wore it everyday for three years, and he's a FANTASTIC musician... And I don't mean just fucking around in someone's garage on old used equipment. You may not believe it, but he wore this wristband when he played "One Thing" on his acoustic guitar with the members of Finger Eleven on their tour bus. Raine Maida, the lead singer of Our Lady Peace,wore it at one of his shows cause he and Guy are on a first name basis, and when Guy talked to the Amazing Raine before the show, he took the wrist band from him and said "I'm wearing this during the show." He accidentally punched Chris Carrabba from Dashboard in the crotch with the fist it was on when he crowd surfed at the show. He wore it when his band opened for Sponge at the Flint show. He wore it when he met the Deftones, and he wore it when every important and life-altering event in his life occured, and now he gave it to me cause I'm one of his best friends and he wants my luck to change for the better... I love it more than anything I've ever owned and will ever own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, call me a flamer if you will, but "Phantom of the Opera" is just rocking my fucking world tonite!!!

Well, another day come and gone, and i've made no progress... why do i bother? maybe cause i know if i just do nothing i have less chances of getting the fuck out of my house as i do winning the national championship in bowling... oh well...
jon still hasn't replied to me, and i can't help but feel like a total failure as a boyfriend... everyone says it isn't my fault that he did what he did, that there are other things in his life thta led to it... but how should i feel? am i supposed to say "oh well, it's not my fault he's doing it, so let him be..."??? if i did that, i'd be no better than [der hardcore], which i'm not anyways... i just wish i could make him happy enough to where he wouldn't feel that desperation, but apparently it's beyond my control... just wish i could find one guy who would love being with me, who would feel happy to have me, happy enough to not turn to drugs or alcohol or suicide... i just feel like i'm ruining the lives of everyone who comes near me... and i don't wanna do that anymore... i wish i could just run away from my entire life, start fresh in a place where nobody knows me or my past...
but that's impossible now... if i ask jon to leave with me, what would he be sacrificing, and would he be happy? he's so young, he doesn't need to make a decision like that now... and i feel like maybe i'm pressuring him... i just wish i knew what to do, wish i could find the answers... wish people would stop expecting me to cheat on him, stop punishing me for what happened before... but that's never gonna happen, cause i made a mistake ages ago and i'll take it to my grave with me, and the biggest annoyance with it is that it was all a misunderstanding! i explained everything to jon before it happened, and when things with richard finally came to a head, he threw all of that knowledge outt he window and i had seven of his friends and him all at the same time ordering me to explain myself.
i don't owe anyone an explaination for what happened, because jon knows. my only problem now is that peopel can't forget about it, i'm still being punished for it... and peopel still expect me to cheat on him, expect me to break his heart just so they can say "i was right. point for me!" to all of you: get a fucking life, and stop analyzing mine and my boyfriend's.
and finally, to jon: i don't know why you did what you did because you're too scared to tell me for soem reason... how can i help you if you won't tell me what's wrong??? it's like when i asked you a while ago to tell me what i had doen so far to piss you off, and you didn't want to. i can't help you or our relationship if i don't know what's wrong. you have to tell me so we can work on it. and if not, it's just gonna end up making you bitter, or worse, killing you. i can't be in a relationship that's doomed from the start. i did it with richard, with shawhan, with patrick, with beau, with eveyrone. i wanted us to be different, but all of the same shit is happening. my whole life is spinning out of control and i can't stop it. i'm ready to just say to hell with everything and put a gun to my head, and that scares the shit out of me because you know i don't think like that! i love you, and i want you to be happy.

"Trouble Breathing"
Alkaline Trio

You told me that you want to die
I said I've been there myself more than a few times
And I go back every once in a while
You called me lucky, you.. you called me lucky

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die
I asked you how you could tell
You told me to look at the sky
Look at all those stars
Look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

It's one or another
Between a rope and a bottle
I can tell you're having trouble breathing

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

You told me that the daylight burned you
and that the sunrise was enough to kill you
I said maybe you're a vampire
You said it's quite possible I feel truly dead inside

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out

so i ahve this friend... maybe you know her, maybe not, but the point is--she's very special to me and lately i haven't made her feel like it... so now, she's addicted to heroin, and crack... I sit back and think to call, but i never can (damn phone company cut off the local calling again... FUCK SBC!!!) and now i worry that in a few weeks, months, hey maybe tomorrow, i'm a get the call that i should bring a casserole to her funeral dinner. I'm not even 19 yet, and i'm thinking about burying a very good friend, all because her and her lil sister and her friends like to drive to detroit and chill with skeevy crackheads... She's so much better than all of it, but she doesn't even know it! Talent pours from this girl, but she's throwing it all away. Her mom blames it all on her ex, but she has a mind of her own. She knows people care. SHe KNOWS!!! And if she doesn't, I'll tell her a thousand times again. I don't want her to die, but what can I do? I'm no match for heroin... If I was, maybe she'd be driving down to chill with me for a few days, maybe get drunk off of cheap ass vodka and wander around Marysville for a few hours, or just draw or paint together... But no... She's driving to the D to shoot up and smoke rocks...

I love ya so much babe. I just hope you know what you're doing... not just to yourself, or to your family... But to your future, and your friends, and all of us that care too much to watch you kill yourself...

You already lost Guy, why not try to stop it now before you lose even more? You're not a loser, you're just addicted!!! YOU CAN GET HELP!!! Hell, I'll carry you to the damn methadone clinic if you want!!! just please, stop!

Okay, so for all of you who know what an asshole I've been to the most wonderful boy in this entire world, I am making my public apology... Not that I need to be sorry to anyone but him, but he knows how I feel, why I did what I did, and that it was stupid, and he's forgiven me (why I don't know, he's just perfect like that); but still, I feel the need to explain it to everyone else:

I'm an asshole. I didn't know just what I had with Jon, what I still have and will cherish forever. When [der hardcore] came back here, I just freaked. I guess in a way, I hoped he never would come back, that he and [Devil in Heaven] would live happily ever after and I'd never have to have the situation explained to me, etc. That I could just be with Jon and be happy. Then he came back, and I didn't know what to do. Part of me will always have a small bit of love for Richard, as much as that angers me or anyone else. I can't help that. My first reaction was to go running back to him, because I'm weak and I always thought he'd be the one to make me strong, when in reality he just made me even weaker.
Another reason I was doubting Jon and I being together is because I don't ever want to be the reason Jon made a mistake, maybe ruined his life by following me to Key West or wherever it is I'll end up, and then having him realize he doesn't want his life with me anymore. I didn't want that guilt. In a lot of ways, the ways I worry for Jon are the same as Richard did for me. He didn't want me to ruin my life here by going to him and realizing once it was too late that I had made a mistake. I don't want that for Jon either.
But I can't hurt him. I love him so much, just the thought of the tears he shed over my stupid actions is painful enough that I would die a thousand times if I could take them back. I do love him, and I always will. So if all you want to do is criticize me or hate me or whatever, don't bother telling me, just block me or whatever. Knowing I made him cry is punishment enough.

Jon, I love you.

Richard, FUCK OFF!

And the award for most talkative male in the 2004 REHS Senior class goes to.... SEAN MOBLEY!!!! *crowd cheers*
And muh girl Joanne Hardison got most talkative female, so we'll apppear in the yearbook together... YAY! I was told I got Teacher's Pet, but today I found out I got most talkative, so I'm happy!!!

no more gov't... no more econ... lol

Big comfy hoodie, yeis.... Finals almost over... tommorrow is Econ and I gotta finish my TA log, than NOTHING until March!!! Mwuahahahahah! "I Love the Way You Move" is on.... By Outkast... Yeis.... I love this song.... "Can you feel that B-A-S-S_ BASS?".... LOL

So today was a daze, of happy or sad or angry or depressed or hyperactive... What am I to feel like today... Picking out clothes is more fun...

Gonna meet Patrick soon... Prolly tommorrow since it's Halloween... I'm going to a Halloween party with him dressed as the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" and he's gonna be a model... He was a model for a clothing line from Estee Lauder known as Mannequin... Quite the lil hottie... Shanna gets snaps for this one... LOL...
Shawhan is begging me to hang out with him on Wednesday, but I won't cause I have to go to Lincoln Park and he wants me to take him with me, but fuck that... He's a Navy boy.... EEeewww....
And then there's my sweet darling Richard, who came home today to tell me about his loverly lil affair.... Yay.... At least it's not Sascha (is seriously happy for this)

Okay, so working at McDonald's truly sucks... Especially with TJ as my boss. Oh, and he hired Bryan... the skanky piece of filth that fucked me over last October and then moved to Toledo... And of course, they're fucking each other, so he was hired without even putting in an application... And they're both living with Granny Giselle, the Trolloping transvestite... Ugh... How many times have I been at work, and he's made some rude comment, and I've thought, "If Richard were here, he would kick TJ's ass into oblivion..." ??? More times than I can count anymore... I miss Richard so much... Life sucks without him...
I know I haven't always been good to him, that I've been jealous and suspicious and angstful to him, but I really do love him, and I need him... I just never realized how much until now, after he's been gone so fucking long...
Shawhan called me the other day to tell me he joined the Navy, and he ships out in June... Why would he do it? I can't understand him sometimes. And why would he tell me? I don't even care really... I just want Richard back... i wish he would come back...

"I thought club kids dressed in pleather and vinyl, not Express" said the newbie fag with the over bite.... Ugh... Detroit clubs are just full of characters... To get on my case about wearing a sweater to a club.... So we made a bet, to see who could get the most numbers from men.... I got 12, he got 9... Oh well, fag, sorry.... Some guys just prefer boys with taste and who care how they look...
The clubs were boiring... No one there that I would even consider... I miss Richard... I wonder if he'll ever be back, but deep inside, I'm doubting it...

'give me life... give me pain... give me my... self again... i can't reach you...'
~*.:Tori Amos:.*~

"I don't wanna come back down from this cloud... It's taken me all this time to find out what I need... And I'm gonna find out..."

Well, TJ isn't bitter, so I won't be getting fired anytime soon. At least that is some good news. And apparently, since all teenagers have problems, so mine aren't all that bad. Just living day by day being told how worthless you are and how your father deserves a real son, not this flaming fag he was dealt. I hate this all. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just weren't here...

it's just so hard to wonder if someone truly loves you or if they're only trying to save your feelings. I need you here now Richard, but I guess you're busy. I hope I get to talk to you tommorrow then... Love you...

All I ever wanted was to belong to someone, but even that is unattainable... It's like Tori says "Sleepovers, Beene's got soem pot, You're only popular with ANNOREXIA, So I turn myself, Inside Out... And Hope someone will see... Will See... Make me laugh... Say you know what you want... You said we were the real thing... So I show... You some more... And I learn... What black magic can do...> Make me laugh... Say you know you can turn... Me into the real thing... SO I show... You some more... And I learn..."

Yeah... Just hoping this speed makes this heart explode, so I don't ahve to face it anymore...

Well, today I decided to quit my home life. I told my parents to fuck off, now I stay where I can when I'm not in school or at work. I work almost everyday, but I still don't make enough to get my own place... I might stay with friends, but I doubt it... Oh well..> Life goes on... Onward to Iowa or some shit...

Well, today I decided to quit my home life. I told my parents to fuck off, now I stay where I can when I'm not in school or at work. I work almost everyday, but I still don't make enough to get my own place... I might stay with friends, but I doubt it... Oh well..> Life goes on... Onward to Iowa or some shit...