"Come back... I'll... Show you the roses that brush off the snow... And open their petals again and again... And you know that apple green ice cream can melt in your hands... I can't... So... i held your hand at the fair... And... Even forgot what time it was... And even... Thomas Jefferson... Wasn't born in your backyard... Like you have said, and... maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when... She has left... you and... Me... Here, alone on the floor... you're... Counting my feathers.... As the bells toll... you see... The Beau and the Belle... And the girl fromt he South... Are favourites of mine... You know them all well... And Spring brings... Fresh little puddles... that makes it all clear... Makes it all... Here.... Here... Do you know... What this is doing to me... Here?"

Is it wrong to look at a member of the opposite sex and say to yourself, "If I were a woman, i would want to look just like that!!!" ???

"There are days when I can't stop thinking of you... There are days when I can't stop saying your name... And I'm looking for ways never to part from you... Everything changes but you stay the same... I've never seen... And there's never been... Anything but the beauty of you..."

These words keep echoing through my head, but not because of the one who sent them to me... They haunt me at every turn, filling me with joy and fear alike, twisting my brain into knots of uncertainty and making me unaware of anything else... I want this person so badly, but they don't believe it... I want nothing more than to be there for him and I can't be... I want to be perfect for him, but there is no such thing as perfect...  So I'm caught again, wishing I were someone more beautiful, someone more worth his time, his love, his effort... Wishing I were from a different side of the tracks, or at least a different state, so I wouldn't feel the shame I feel when he says I'm perfect and I know in my heart that I am not...

Detroit always made me proud, made me feel like I was from somewhere of great importance. It was the birthplace of the motor vehicle, the center for rock and roll, R & B, and Blues, and also home of one of the greatest hockey teams in the nation... But now I realize that none of that even matters, that it's all just a superficial blurb from a tourism advertisement... I used to look at the crumbling, decaying skyline and think of how beautiful it is, to see the decay and the ruins of old buildings like the train depot, and then see those glittering glass towers of the Renessaince Center (GM World Headquarters) rising from the center of it all, like a symbol of our strengths... Now all it shows me is the weaknesses I feel inside myself by basing all of my strengths on the place I live.

I talked to Shawhan today, because when I tell him what any new plans are that I might be doubting, he seems to be able to read me and tell me exactly what it is I need to do. Yes, he's semi-cold hearted when telling me, and some might call him cynical in the sense that he doesn't believe in love or putting all of your trust into a relationship. But he tells me what I don't want to hear, tells me all of the cons I refuse to think about. I never feel any better after talking to him, because I never want to admit that everytime I put my trust into a person, I get hurt. He says it seems like I enjoy being in pain, but I really don't. I just don't know how to gaurd myself from it. I don't listen to my intuition, and it drives me crazy. I refuse to believe that I have that voice of reason, and so I ignore it to believe what others tell me. I'm just so confused. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I keep putting myself into those situations that are bound to get me hurt, the situations I know are doomed from the start. 

I had everything going for me when I applied to Kirtland and got accepted, but then I wasn't satisfied because I didn't think I could survive living up in the woods again. Memories and scenarios of Hale and my life there began running through my head like demons bent on killing all of my hopes and dreams.

I have never been able to trust any promise ever made to me, because nobody who's ever made a promise to me has kept it. My own parents never kept any promises, none of my family, none of my friends, Richard, Shawhan, Timi, Jon, nobody... I've never been able to say that things worked out the way I planned, I've never been able to look back at anything I've ever done and say "That was the best decision I ever made." I don't have the resources to better myself. Even when I did, I didn't see them. When I started up high school again at Riverview East, it was my dream to walk onstage next to all of my real friends-- Sara, Nick, Megan, Guy-- and take that piece of paper from Nina's hand and say "I fucking did it! I realized my dream, and now nothing will stop me." And with one mood swing, I ruined it. I threw away all of my dreams just because I had to have the last word. I ruined my one chance to realize the simplest dream I ever had, the easiest second chance ever given to me, and I threw it right down the fucking toilet. 

When I was kicked out of Riverview, I broke the only real promise I ever made to the people that care about me. And yet, I feel the most shame that I broke that promise I made to myself. I get angry at everyone else, I hold all of this resentment inside for them breaking all of those promises, when I'm no better because I did the same thing to myself. I could give a fuck less that my parents will never have the pleasure of seeing one of their children walk onstage and accept that diploma, I can give a fuck less that my grandmother will always be able to tell me what a failure I am without being a liar; what I care most about is the fact that I will never be able to look inside myself and see a promise that was fulfilled. I will never be able to say I am stronger than anyone I know, because in my heart and in my mind and in my soul, I am weak.

I'm still nothing but a scared little boy, sitting in the front seat of whatever beater car my mother drove at the time, hearing her say she wasn't ever going back to Chuck, but knowing she would turn around in a matter of minutes. I'm still vowing to myself that I will not be like that, depending on men to make me happy, to give me enough self-worth to feel like I can make it in this world, to feel like my life is worth a damn. But I'm turning out like that. I'm turning into my mother, and as much as I love and respect her for doing her best to raise me, I don't want to do the same things she did. I don't want to suffer through my life on account of my past, I want so badly to break away from it and be the person I know in my heart I can be. 

I need to get out of here. For some reason, I just know in my heart that living here, seeing the same places and people I've seen my whole life, it's just going to knock me back down. The fact that everyone here knows me and knows my past, and that I see that in their faces, I hear it in their voices when they speak to me, I feel the vibe from them that they know how many drugs I've been on, they know how many people I've slept with, they know where I've lived and what I've dreamed of yet failed to achieve... And even if they don't remember or don't care, I still feel as if they do. I still feel guilty for being alive, for having these wonderful opprotunities that I've just wasted for the sake of nothing important. It doesn't mean I love any of them any less, it doesn't mean that I will never speak to anyone ever again once I leave. I just know in my heart that I need to look back someday and feel like this was the proper decision. I need to be able to come back and have people look at me as the person who got the hell out and made something of themselves, instead of just another St. Clair County drone who works at the Sunrise Station for minimum wage and lives in the Walnut Apartments where rent goes by income. I need to be able to look inside myself and see that I fulfilled at least one promise to myself, and that I did so with nobody else's help but my own.

But, I can't even do that. My only options are to sell myself or be homeless, or stay with a friend, which is an option my pride won't allow me to consider... (side note: don't even know why i'm writing this, nobody ever reads this shit) I guess I just want my life to start, to be something meaningful, something to actually be proud of. I need to be happy with myself for who I am, not for what everyone else wants me to be. I need to deal with the fact that I had to grow up too fast, that my family life is virtually non-existant anymore, that my friends were only really my friends before I got kicked out of school, that my lovers only ever stayed with me because they pitied me, that I have no resources to build my own life. I need to find a way to create my own resources, to build my life from scratch, to have my own family that won't desert me just because they don't think I ever needed them. 

My own mother always told me: "Sean, I never worry about you because you don't need me to worry about you." Well, guess what Mom: You were wrong. Distancing yourself from me didn't make me stronger, it just created a fucking complex I can't get out of me!!! I can't trust anyone not to leave me, I can't trust anyone to consider my feelings above anyone else's, and I sure as hell don't have the confidence within myself to throw myself out into such a hateful and cruel world where everyone's feelings revolve around themselves and what they can get out of others. I can't stand living in a world where people aren't defined by their hearts, minds or souls; but rather, by what colour, what gender, what sexual orientation, what tax bracket they are in... I can't stand knowing that no matter what I do to better myself, there's always somebody out there who will not think I'm good enough.

I would cut my wrists if I didn't think it would hurt. I would take a bottle of pills if I didn't think anyone else would need them later. And I'd dive face-first off the Blue Water Bridge, but I don't have the money for the toll.

~*CKY -- 'Close Yet Far'*~

"Who said that I wasn't right?
And I lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried...

And don't take me under your wing
Don't need a hand, don't need anything
And I've got a roof over my head
As if I'd rather be alone with me instead...

Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never ever ever ever wanted this to be

I can hear the sounds of the city
Sunrise and set all the same to me
A hesitating pulse is good company
My reflection offers no apology

And who said that I wasn't right?
And I lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried...


Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never ever ever ever wanted this to be..."

  ~*Tori Amos*~
~*Jackie's Strength*~

"Make me laugh... Say you know what you want... You said we were the real thing... So I show... You some more... And I learn... What black magic can do... Make me laugh... Say you know... You can turn... Me into the real thing... So I show... You some more... And I learn....

I got lost on my wedding day... Typical... The police came.... Oh, but virgins always... Get backstage... No matter what they've got to say.... If you love enough you lie a lot... Guess they did in Camelot... Momma's waiting on... My front lawn... I pray... I pray... I said I pray for Jackie's Strength.... Strength... Make me laugh..."

~*Mine*~
Nothing ever seems so bad when she's singing in my ear... But even she can't help me when I can't have you here... But now that I can't have it, and as much as I could scream about it... Nothing's ever gonna stop me when I'm alone and I dream about it...

PLACEBO - Ask For Answers Lyrics

Time to pass you to the test. Hanging on my lover's breath.
Always coming second best. Pictures of my lover's chest.
Get through this night, there are no second chances.
This time I might.
To ask the sea for answers.
Always falling to the floor, softer than it was before.
Dog boy - media whore, it's who the hell you take me for.

Give up this fight, there are no second chances.
This time I might.
To ask the sea for answers.
These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy.
Tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free.

Get through this night, there are no second chances.
This time I might.
To ask the sea for answers.
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free

Get through this, there are no second chances.
This time. To ask the sea for answers.

every time i get up a bit, i'm just knocked back down, and there's never any reason... i wanna dig my own little shelter, and spend the rest of my life just hiding away from the world, protected from everyone so i never have to worry about being hurt again...

"You have to be the cutest gravedigger I've ever seen... And all your lonely nights... In the city of lights are much like.... All these crowded bars I so often find my secret self going to... Fuck you Aurora, you took my only friend... And although it's all my fault, the blaming myself had to come to an end so I say... Fuck you Aurora... You took my only friend... You'll never catch me behind the wheel... Of a Chrysler ever again..."
~Alkaline Trio
"Fuck You Aurora"

"I'm always swimming... Against... The flow of the tide.... Kissing the life into something that's already died... I've been drowning forever.... I let go... I dive into the river and flow.... f....l....o....w...."
~Transister
"Flow"

Still happy the day after my birthday, now even more than before... When will this happiness end??? LOL :)

Well, today is my birthday, and I got the best gift I've ever gotten in my life!!! It may seem insignificant to everyone in the world but the people here at home who know me and Guy (the best friend who gave it to me), but it's seriously the only gift I've ever gotten that made me cry...
It's a three year old Oscar the Grouch wrist band, which doesn't sound very special does it? Well, let me tell you the story...
(no lies, i'm swearing on my baby's life!!!) He wore it everyday for three years, and he's a FANTASTIC musician... And I don't mean just fucking around in someone's garage on old used equipment. You may not believe it, but he wore this wristband when he played "One Thing" on his acoustic guitar with the members of Finger Eleven on their tour bus. Raine Maida, the lead singer of Our Lady Peace,wore it at one of his shows cause he and Guy are on a first name basis, and when Guy talked to the Amazing Raine before the show, he took the wrist band from him and said "I'm wearing this during the show." He accidentally punched Chris Carrabba from Dashboard in the crotch with the fist it was on when he crowd surfed at the show. He wore it when his band opened for Sponge at the Flint show. He wore it when he met the Deftones, and he wore it when every important and life-altering event in his life occured, and now he gave it to me cause I'm one of his best friends and he wants my luck to change for the better... I love it more than anything I've ever owned and will ever own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, call me a flamer if you will, but "Phantom of the Opera" is just rocking my fucking world tonite!!!

Well, another day come and gone, and i've made no progress... why do i bother? maybe cause i know if i just do nothing i have less chances of getting the fuck out of my house as i do winning the national championship in bowling... oh well...
jon still hasn't replied to me, and i can't help but feel like a total failure as a boyfriend... everyone says it isn't my fault that he did what he did, that there are other things in his life thta led to it... but how should i feel? am i supposed to say "oh well, it's not my fault he's doing it, so let him be..."??? if i did that, i'd be no better than [der hardcore], which i'm not anyways... i just wish i could make him happy enough to where he wouldn't feel that desperation, but apparently it's beyond my control... just wish i could find one guy who would love being with me, who would feel happy to have me, happy enough to not turn to drugs or alcohol or suicide... i just feel like i'm ruining the lives of everyone who comes near me... and i don't wanna do that anymore... i wish i could just run away from my entire life, start fresh in a place where nobody knows me or my past...
but that's impossible now... if i ask jon to leave with me, what would he be sacrificing, and would he be happy? he's so young, he doesn't need to make a decision like that now... and i feel like maybe i'm pressuring him... i just wish i knew what to do, wish i could find the answers... wish people would stop expecting me to cheat on him, stop punishing me for what happened before... but that's never gonna happen, cause i made a mistake ages ago and i'll take it to my grave with me, and the biggest annoyance with it is that it was all a misunderstanding! i explained everything to jon before it happened, and when things with richard finally came to a head, he threw all of that knowledge outt he window and i had seven of his friends and him all at the same time ordering me to explain myself.
i don't owe anyone an explaination for what happened, because jon knows. my only problem now is that peopel can't forget about it, i'm still being punished for it... and peopel still expect me to cheat on him, expect me to break his heart just so they can say "i was right. point for me!" to all of you: get a fucking life, and stop analyzing mine and my boyfriend's.
and finally, to jon: i don't know why you did what you did because you're too scared to tell me for soem reason... how can i help you if you won't tell me what's wrong??? it's like when i asked you a while ago to tell me what i had doen so far to piss you off, and you didn't want to. i can't help you or our relationship if i don't know what's wrong. you have to tell me so we can work on it. and if not, it's just gonna end up making you bitter, or worse, killing you. i can't be in a relationship that's doomed from the start. i did it with richard, with shawhan, with patrick, with beau, with eveyrone. i wanted us to be different, but all of the same shit is happening. my whole life is spinning out of control and i can't stop it. i'm ready to just say to hell with everything and put a gun to my head, and that scares the shit out of me because you know i don't think like that! i love you, and i want you to be happy.

"Trouble Breathing"
Alkaline Trio

You told me that you want to die
I said I've been there myself more than a few times
And I go back every once in a while
You called me lucky, you.. you called me lucky

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die
I asked you how you could tell
You told me to look at the sky
Look at all those stars
Look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

It's one or another
Between a rope and a bottle
I can tell you're having trouble breathing

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

You told me that the daylight burned you
and that the sunrise was enough to kill you
I said maybe you're a vampire
You said it's quite possible I feel truly dead inside

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out

so i ahve this friend... maybe you know her, maybe not, but the point is--she's very special to me and lately i haven't made her feel like it... so now, she's addicted to heroin, and crack... I sit back and think to call, but i never can (damn phone company cut off the local calling again... FUCK SBC!!!) and now i worry that in a few weeks, months, hey maybe tomorrow, i'm a get the call that i should bring a casserole to her funeral dinner. I'm not even 19 yet, and i'm thinking about burying a very good friend, all because her and her lil sister and her friends like to drive to detroit and chill with skeevy crackheads... She's so much better than all of it, but she doesn't even know it! Talent pours from this girl, but she's throwing it all away. Her mom blames it all on her ex, but she has a mind of her own. She knows people care. SHe KNOWS!!! And if she doesn't, I'll tell her a thousand times again. I don't want her to die, but what can I do? I'm no match for heroin... If I was, maybe she'd be driving down to chill with me for a few days, maybe get drunk off of cheap ass vodka and wander around Marysville for a few hours, or just draw or paint together... But no... She's driving to the D to shoot up and smoke rocks...

I love ya so much babe. I just hope you know what you're doing... not just to yourself, or to your family... But to your future, and your friends, and all of us that care too much to watch you kill yourself...

You already lost Guy, why not try to stop it now before you lose even more? You're not a loser, you're just addicted!!! YOU CAN GET HELP!!! Hell, I'll carry you to the damn methadone clinic if you want!!! just please, stop!

Okay, so for all of you who know what an asshole I've been to the most wonderful boy in this entire world, I am making my public apology... Not that I need to be sorry to anyone but him, but he knows how I feel, why I did what I did, and that it was stupid, and he's forgiven me (why I don't know, he's just perfect like that); but still, I feel the need to explain it to everyone else:

I'm an asshole. I didn't know just what I had with Jon, what I still have and will cherish forever. When [der hardcore] came back here, I just freaked. I guess in a way, I hoped he never would come back, that he and [Devil in Heaven] would live happily ever after and I'd never have to have the situation explained to me, etc. That I could just be with Jon and be happy. Then he came back, and I didn't know what to do. Part of me will always have a small bit of love for Richard, as much as that angers me or anyone else. I can't help that. My first reaction was to go running back to him, because I'm weak and I always thought he'd be the one to make me strong, when in reality he just made me even weaker.
Another reason I was doubting Jon and I being together is because I don't ever want to be the reason Jon made a mistake, maybe ruined his life by following me to Key West or wherever it is I'll end up, and then having him realize he doesn't want his life with me anymore. I didn't want that guilt. In a lot of ways, the ways I worry for Jon are the same as Richard did for me. He didn't want me to ruin my life here by going to him and realizing once it was too late that I had made a mistake. I don't want that for Jon either.
But I can't hurt him. I love him so much, just the thought of the tears he shed over my stupid actions is painful enough that I would die a thousand times if I could take them back. I do love him, and I always will. So if all you want to do is criticize me or hate me or whatever, don't bother telling me, just block me or whatever. Knowing I made him cry is punishment enough.

Jon, I love you.

Richard, FUCK OFF!

And the award for most talkative male in the 2004 REHS Senior class goes to.... SEAN MOBLEY!!!! *crowd cheers*
And muh girl Joanne Hardison got most talkative female, so we'll apppear in the yearbook together... YAY! I was told I got Teacher's Pet, but today I found out I got most talkative, so I'm happy!!!

no more gov't... no more econ... lol

Big comfy hoodie, yeis.... Finals almost over... tommorrow is Econ and I gotta finish my TA log, than NOTHING until March!!! Mwuahahahahah! "I Love the Way You Move" is on.... By Outkast... Yeis.... I love this song.... "Can you feel that B-A-S-S_ BASS?".... LOL

So today was a daze, of happy or sad or angry or depressed or hyperactive... What am I to feel like today... Picking out clothes is more fun...

Gonna meet Patrick soon... Prolly tommorrow since it's Halloween... I'm going to a Halloween party with him dressed as the guy from "A Clockwork Orange" and he's gonna be a model... He was a model for a clothing line from Estee Lauder known as Mannequin... Quite the lil hottie... Shanna gets snaps for this one... LOL...
Shawhan is begging me to hang out with him on Wednesday, but I won't cause I have to go to Lincoln Park and he wants me to take him with me, but fuck that... He's a Navy boy.... EEeewww....
And then there's my sweet darling Richard, who came home today to tell me about his loverly lil affair.... Yay.... At least it's not Sascha (is seriously happy for this)

Okay, so working at McDonald's truly sucks... Especially with TJ as my boss. Oh, and he hired Bryan... the skanky piece of filth that fucked me over last October and then moved to Toledo... And of course, they're fucking each other, so he was hired without even putting in an application... And they're both living with Granny Giselle, the Trolloping transvestite... Ugh... How many times have I been at work, and he's made some rude comment, and I've thought, "If Richard were here, he would kick TJ's ass into oblivion..." ??? More times than I can count anymore... I miss Richard so much... Life sucks without him...
I know I haven't always been good to him, that I've been jealous and suspicious and angstful to him, but I really do love him, and I need him... I just never realized how much until now, after he's been gone so fucking long...
Shawhan called me the other day to tell me he joined the Navy, and he ships out in June... Why would he do it? I can't understand him sometimes. And why would he tell me? I don't even care really... I just want Richard back... i wish he would come back...