I keep thinking about everything Temptation taught me when I lived with her, about not trusting and not giving my heart up for people to break it again and again and again. How she said "There's no such thing as Love. Love is just some fantasy man created to make sex seem less beastial and animalistic." I wonder if she might be right. I had myself all prepared to face a world without love or the need of love, and now it's come crumbling down again. I thought melting would feel nice, that feeling things would make me human again, but I fear it really hasn't. Just leaves me scared and unsure of myself as always. And to think the last thing she said to me as I left those weeks ago was "Stay out of trouble honey! And don't trust anyone! You're too smart for that shit now!"

God, how I miss you, Temptation! You taught me so much, i never was hurt when you were looking out for me, and now I feel like I've been abandoned again to people's bullshit and drama and I don't know how to stop it!!! I need you now again, and yet I'm too far away to even have your advice!

why do i fall for it everytime?

Sometimes I fear I'm going to end up like one of Jeffery Dahmer's victims, chopped up, acid in my brain, a mindless zombie for some sick fuck's dark fantasies... Then I realize they'll prolly go after the cute boys first... And I thank god I'm kinda plain... LOL

Wish I Didn't Miss You
Angie Stone
(Mahogany Soul)

Same old story is back again
She's not a lover, she's just a friend
I'm sick and tired for you to blame on me
Now you think it's funny
Now you wanna spend your money on girls
But you forgot when you were down
That I was around

Call my lover, hang up, call again
What in the world is happening
Listen in, but don't yell at me
Isn't it ironic all you wanna do is smoke chronic
Boy, you forgot when you were down
Who was around

[1] - I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

Memories don't live like people do
I'm sick for ever believing you
Wish you'd bring back the man I knew
Was good to me, oh Lord
Everytime you say you're coming
Boy, you disappoint me, honey
How well you forgot when you were down
And I was around

[Repeat 1]
[Repeat 1]

One of these days, it's gonna happen to you
Missing a love like I'm missing you, babe yeah yeah
One of these days, when your dreams come true
That's the one that's gonna do it to you
Oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

[Repeat 1 until fade]

Everyone says I look really good in this pic (Robbie hates his face... *so cute*)but I think i look really tired... We were in Ferndale... LOL... Gay Prom... *rolls eyes* But it was sorta okay... This pic was taken for Detroit's Gay Newsletter "Between the Lines" www.pridesource.com


So I guess everyone is wondering where I've been? Working.... I work mornings as a cook/waiter-in-training at Big Boy in Marine Shitty (City), and I work evenings at KMart across the same plaza.... I'll be full-time at Big Boy soon, cause KMart blows... Werll, I'll be on when I have time, but until then, Love ya alll and Miss Those of You Who Count!!! (~*P.S. Buy "Welcome to Sunny Florida" by Tori Amos!!! It fucking ROCKS!!!*~)

Well, Elftown was fun, but I must be going now... To all of my real friends here, you have my number or my email address, so you know how to get to me. Work has been taking up most of my time, and the drama and bullshit of Elftown has gotten to me. It's nothing but a shallow vanity now, And I'm tired of striving to be something I'm not even online. I don't do it in my real life, so I refuse to waste any of my time doing it online anymore. So, to all of you who'd like to still talk to me or know that I'd like to continue talking to you, find me on a Tori Amos message board or email me.

I'm Out

Love
Sean

"Mother"
by Tori Amos

go go go go now
out of the nest it's time
go go go now
circus girl without a safety net
here here here now don't cry
you raised your hand
for the assignment
tuck those ribbons under your helmet
be a good soldier
first my left foot
then my right behind the OTHER
pantyhose running in the cold

mother the car is here
somebody leave the light on
green limousine for the redhead
DANCING dancing girl
and when i dance for him
somebody leave the light on
just in just in case i like the dancing
i can remember where i come from

i walked into your dream
and now i've forgotten
how to dream my own dream
you are the CLEVER one aren't you
brides in veils for you
we told you all of our secrets
all but one
so don't you even try
the phone has been disconnected
dripping with blood and with time
and with your advice
poison me against the MOON

mother the car is here
somebody leave the light on
black chariot for the redhead
DANCING dancing girl
he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light on
just in just in case i like the dancing
i can remember where i come from

i escape into your escape
into our very favorite fearscape
it's across the sky and i cross my heart
and i cross my legs oh my god
first my left foot
then my right behind the other
breadcrumbs lost under the snow

oo who mother
oo mother the car is here
maybe maybe you'll leave the light on
for the for the for the dancing girl
he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light
just in case i like the dancing
i can remember where i come come from

mother mother mother

Originally titled "Somebody Leave The Light On".

"Mother was written at 6:30, 7:00 in the morning. We were on a futon in the little place I had at the time in Hollywood, and I got up really early and started meandering on the piano. I meandered for about 25 minutes and I started to get this ... [hums the intro to Mother] ... and I hear this voice from the futon, 'What's that!' And I said, 'Oh, it's shit. Forget about it.' And he yells, 'Play it again!' What happens with each one is that there will be a word that comes with the melody. Then a bridge section will start to work and I'll know it wants to be there. And then maybe I can't figure anything else out so I'll put it aside. Three months later, I'm walking down the street and I'll come up with four notes, and that's what I'm going to build the next section on. Do you write your ideas down on paper before putting them aside? Well, I'm not very good at writing things down sometimes. Maybe it'll be on the back of an envelope, a bill, a magazine, or I might record it on a ghetto blaster."
-- Tori; interview by Greg Rule

"Mother came on a bit like a dream sleep. It was early morning when I made the way to the piano. I knew that 'they' were trying to show me something. A memory of 'the fall.' Not the one we've been taught, but the other side of the story, which is the belief of certain ancient mythologies. Mother changed me because I began to remember, where I believe, we come from."
-- Tori; Little Earthquakes Songbook

"Caught a Lite Sneeze"
By Tori Amos

caught a lite sneeze
caught a lite breeze
caught a lightweight lightningseed
boys on my left side
boys on my right side
boys in the middle
and you're not here
i need a big loan
from the girl zone

building
tumbling down
didn't know our love was so small
couldn't stand at all
mr. st. john just bring your son

the spire is hot
and my cells can't feed
and you still got that belle
dragging your foots
i'm hiding it well sister ernestine
but i still got that belle
dragging my foots

right on time you get closer
and closer
called my name
but there's no way in
use that fame
rent your wife and kids today
maybe she will
maybe she will caught a lite sneeze
dreamed a little dream
made my own pretty hate machine
boys on my left side

boys on my right side
boys in the middle
and you're not here
boys in their dresses
and you're not here
i need a big loan
from the girl zone

Tori's Comments:

"Caught A Lite Sneeze is about wanting to do anything to keep a relationship going, knowing that it's over, knowing that it's slipping through the hands."

"Honey, it means no fat, no butter. Lite."

"He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Guys would like to think they're the flu, but sometimes they're just a 'h'achoo'"

"Someone Worth It?"
By Sean Mobley

When I was young, I'd cling by your side
(Scared of all else -- What lingered beyond)
When you'd wrap your arm around me
You'd stare away indifferently, laughing with your friends
But my hands and face are clean now, Mama
My hair is trimmed short, just the way you like it
My clothes aren't black and baggy now, Mama
Could you hug me just one last time?

Years pass by like freight trains on rusted tracks
These tracks we walked on the way to Camp Way-the-Fuck-Out-There
You almost fell through the bridge
And still wouldn't reach for my help
Or tell me how it felt to be so close
To that other side ("Bicycles and chains down there...")
Just moments after I felt those frieght cars rushing by
Ripping over and through our tracks
The wind slapping my face
The noise surrounding me
As I stared in awe, knowing how easy it would be
Just to jump over to them and finally be free
Then your eyes turned away from me
But my hands and face are clean now, Patty
My hair's grown out just the way you like it
My clothes are on the floor now, Patty
Could you kiss me, just one last time?

Months have passed, and Blue Water rises above me
While blue water rushes below me
I'm looking out on the twinkling city lights
Feeling altogether less than perfect
With a tear-stained face and blood on my hands
The sirens behind me, "they won't understand..."
I hear a gentle voice whisper, "Here, take hold of my hand...
I'm here to take care of you,
I'm here to tell you how beautiful you really are,
You don't have to jump so far..."
But I'm sucked in again...

And my hands and my face aren't clean now, Jonny
My hair is a mohawk and I think I like it that way
My clothes never mattered at all to you, Jonny
Cause you never had to look at me anyways

And my hands and my face meant nothing to you, Richy
Cause there was snow on your mountain and a red river flowed from your nose
How useful could I have been to you, Richy?
Please don't look at me now...

Nobody worries, nobody knows
That even while my body grows
There's a part of me, forever stunted
Part of me that always wanted to jump
Part of me no one ever bothered looking for
Because I hid it away so well
But even someone who hides so well, is eventually found, and forever looked for
Aren't they?
Then, with a "TAG! You're it!!!" the game is soon over
But I'll never be tagged, I'll never be It
"Never played well with others,
Preffered his crayons and Wizard of Oz"
Took me so long to realize
That there's no yellow brick road, no ruby shoes
No game to play, yet so much to lose

But my hands and face are clean now, Baby
My hair is short, do you like it?
My clothes are from the mall now, Baby...
Could you look at me, and see someone
Worth it?

"Gay Messiah" by Rufus Wainwright

He will then be reborn
From 1970's porn
Wearing tubesocks with style
And such an innocent smile

Better pray for your sins
Better pray for your sins
'Cause the gay messiah's coming

He will fall from the star
Studio 54
And appear on the sand
Of Fire Island's shore

Better pray for your sins
Better pray for your sins
'Cause the gay messiah's coming

No it will not be me
Rufus the Baptist I be
No I won't be the one
Baptized in cum

What will happen instead
Someone will demand my head
And then I will kneel down
And give it to them looking down

Better pray for your sins
Better pray for your sins
'Cause the gay messiah's coming

Well, as of Sunday, i will have been on Elftown for exactly one year *crowd cheers*, and I can't say this site hasn't really been worth it... I love the site, although some of the people getting kicked off wouldn't effect me much in a negative way, especially all the little 12 year olds who cruise for cyber and know nothing about what this site was originally intended for... But that's the way of it I suppose...
Well... Yeah... Things are going much better than yesterday and hopefully worse than tomorrow, but I guess I won't know until I wake up from today... Blah... I make no sense... But I need to type, and no one's on... Well, they are, they just type too slow... BTW, www.xy.com really sucks... It makes no sense whatsoever... Another useless internet site for horny gay hookups.... Oh well, I already have my hook up now, I guess I don't need that forum anyways...

"Ohio"

Written by Niel Young (both songs mixed as covered by Tori Amos in Akron, Ohio. September 16th, 1996)

tin soldiers and nixon coming
we're finally on our own
this summer i hear the drumming
four dead in ohio

tin soldiers and nixon coming
we're finally on our own
this summer i hear the drumming
four dead in ohio

gotta get down to it
soldiers are gunning us down
should have been gone long time ago
what if you knew her
and found her dead on the ground
how can you run when you know?

tin soldiers and nixon coming
we're finally on our own
this summer i hear the drumming
four dead in ohio

("One Tine Soldier" by Coven)

listen, children, to a story
that was written long ago
'bout a kingdom on a mountain
and the valley-folk below

on the mountain was a treasure
buried deep beneath the stone
and the valley-people swore
they'd have it for their very own

go ahead and hate your neighbor
go ahead and cheat a friend
do it in the name of heaven
you can justify it in the end
there won't be any trumpets blowing
come the judgement day
on the bloody morning after
one tin soldier rides away



four dead in ohio
four dead in ohio
four dead in ohio

Album: 8 Mile Soundtrack (2002)
Artist: Eminem
Song: 8 Mile

Sometimes I just feel like, quittin I still might
Why do I put up this fight, why do I still write
Sometimes it's hard enough just dealin with real life
Sometimes I wanna jump on stage and just kill mics
And show these people what my level of skill's like
But I'm still white, sometimes I just hate life
Somethin ain't right, hit the brake lights
Case of the stage fright, drawin a blank like
Da-duh-duh-da-da, it ain't my fault
Great then I falls, my insides crawl
and I clam up (wham) I just slam shut
I just can't do it, my whole manhood's
just been stripped, I have just been vicked
So I must then get off the bus then split
Man fuck this shit yo, I'm goin the fuck home
World on my shoulders as I run back to this 8 Mile Road

[Chorus]
I'm a man, I'ma make a new plan
Time for me to just stand up, and travel new land
Time for me to just take matters into my own hands
Once I'm over these tracks man I'ma never look back
(8 Mile Road) And I'm gone, I know right where I'm goin
Sorry momma I'm grown, I must travel alone
ain't gon' follow the footsteps I'm making my own
Only way that I know how to escape from this 8 Mile Road

I'm walkin these train tracks, tryin to regain back
the spirit I had 'fore I go back to the same crap
To the same plant, and the same pants
Tryin to chase rap, gotta move ASAP
And get a new plan, momma's got a new man
Poor little baby sister, she don't understand
Sits in front of the TV, buries her nose in the pad
And just colors until the crayon gets dull in her hand
While she colors her big brother and mother and dad
Ain't no tellin what really goes on in her little head
Wish I could be the daddy that neither one of us had
But I keep runnin from somethin I never wanted so bad!
Sometimes I get upset, cause I ain't blew up yet
It's like I grew up, but I ain't grow me two nuts yet
Don't gotta rep my step, don't got enough pep
The pressure's too much man, I'm just tryin to do what's best
And I try, sit alone and I cry
Yo I won't tell no lie, not a moment goes by
That I don't pray to the sky, please I'm beggin you God
Please don't let me pigeon holed in no regular job
Yo I hope you can hear me homey wherever you are
Yo I'm tellin you dawg I'm bailin this trailer tomorrow
Tell my mother I love her, kiss baby sister goodbye
Say whenever you need me baby, I'm never too far
But yo I gotta get out there, the only way I know
And I'ma be back for you, the second that I blow
On everything I own, I'll make it on my own
Off to work I go, back to this 8 Mile Road

[Chorus]

You gotta live it to feel it, you didn't you wouldn't get it
Or see what the big deal is, why it wasn't the skillest
To be walkin this borderline of Detroit city limits
It's different, it's a certain significance, a certificate
of authenticity, you'd never even see
But it's everything to me, it's my credibility
You never seen heard smelled or met a real MC
who's incredible upon the same pedestal as me
But yet I'm still unsigned, havin a rough time
Sit on the porch with all my friends and kick dumb rhymes
Go to work and serve MC's in the lunchline
But when it comes crunch time, where do my punchlines go
Who must I show, to bust my flow
Where must I go, who must I know
Or am I just another crab in the bucket
Cause I ain't havin no luck with this little Rabbit so fuck it
Maybe I need a new outlet, I'm startin to doubt shit
I'm feelin a little skeptical who I hang out with
I look like a bum, yo my clothes ain't about shit
At the Salvation Army tryin to salvage an outfit
And it's cold, tryin to travel this road
Plus I feel like I'm on stuck in this battlin mode
My defenses are so up, but one thing I don't want
is pity from no one, the city is no fun
There is no sun, and it's so dark
Sometimes I feel like I'm just bein pulled apart
From each one of my limbs, by each on of my friends
It's enough to just make me wanna jump out of my skin
Sometimes I feel like a robot, sometimes I just know not
what I'm doin I just blow, my head is a stove top
I just explode, the kettle gets so hot
Sometimes my mouth just overloads the ass that I don't got
But I've learned, it's time for me to U-turn
Yo it only takes one time for me to get burned
Ain't no fallin no next time I meet a new girl
I can no longer play stupid or be immature
I got every ingredient, all I need is the courage
Like I already got the beat, all I need is the words
Got the urge, suddenly it's a surge
Suddenly a new burst of energy is occured
Time to show these free world leaders the three and a third
I am no longer scared now, I'm free as a bird
Then I turn and cross over the median curb
Hit the verbs and all you see is a blur from 8 Mile Road

[Chorus]

The last of my Tori Amos Shrine for a while... All of my very favourites... Worship her!!! LOL

"Come back... I'll... Show you the roses that brush off the snow... And open their petals again and again... And you know that apple green ice cream can melt in your hands... I can't... So... i held your hand at the fair... And... Even forgot what time it was... And even... Thomas Jefferson... Wasn't born in your backyard... Like you have said, and... maybe I'm just the horizon you run to when... She has left... you and... Me... Here, alone on the floor... you're... Counting my feathers.... As the bells toll... you see... The Beau and the Belle... And the girl fromt he South... Are favourites of mine... You know them all well... And Spring brings... Fresh little puddles... that makes it all clear... Makes it all... Here.... Here... Do you know... What this is doing to me... Here?"

Is it wrong to look at a member of the opposite sex and say to yourself, "If I were a woman, i would want to look just like that!!!" ???

"There are days when I can't stop thinking of you... There are days when I can't stop saying your name... And I'm looking for ways never to part from you... Everything changes but you stay the same... I've never seen... And there's never been... Anything but the beauty of you..."

These words keep echoing through my head, but not because of the one who sent them to me... They haunt me at every turn, filling me with joy and fear alike, twisting my brain into knots of uncertainty and making me unaware of anything else... I want this person so badly, but they don't believe it... I want nothing more than to be there for him and I can't be... I want to be perfect for him, but there is no such thing as perfect...  So I'm caught again, wishing I were someone more beautiful, someone more worth his time, his love, his effort... Wishing I were from a different side of the tracks, or at least a different state, so I wouldn't feel the shame I feel when he says I'm perfect and I know in my heart that I am not...

Detroit always made me proud, made me feel like I was from somewhere of great importance. It was the birthplace of the motor vehicle, the center for rock and roll, R & B, and Blues, and also home of one of the greatest hockey teams in the nation... But now I realize that none of that even matters, that it's all just a superficial blurb from a tourism advertisement... I used to look at the crumbling, decaying skyline and think of how beautiful it is, to see the decay and the ruins of old buildings like the train depot, and then see those glittering glass towers of the Renessaince Center (GM World Headquarters) rising from the center of it all, like a symbol of our strengths... Now all it shows me is the weaknesses I feel inside myself by basing all of my strengths on the place I live.

I talked to Shawhan today, because when I tell him what any new plans are that I might be doubting, he seems to be able to read me and tell me exactly what it is I need to do. Yes, he's semi-cold hearted when telling me, and some might call him cynical in the sense that he doesn't believe in love or putting all of your trust into a relationship. But he tells me what I don't want to hear, tells me all of the cons I refuse to think about. I never feel any better after talking to him, because I never want to admit that everytime I put my trust into a person, I get hurt. He says it seems like I enjoy being in pain, but I really don't. I just don't know how to gaurd myself from it. I don't listen to my intuition, and it drives me crazy. I refuse to believe that I have that voice of reason, and so I ignore it to believe what others tell me. I'm just so confused. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I keep putting myself into those situations that are bound to get me hurt, the situations I know are doomed from the start. 

I had everything going for me when I applied to Kirtland and got accepted, but then I wasn't satisfied because I didn't think I could survive living up in the woods again. Memories and scenarios of Hale and my life there began running through my head like demons bent on killing all of my hopes and dreams.

I have never been able to trust any promise ever made to me, because nobody who's ever made a promise to me has kept it. My own parents never kept any promises, none of my family, none of my friends, Richard, Shawhan, Timi, Jon, nobody... I've never been able to say that things worked out the way I planned, I've never been able to look back at anything I've ever done and say "That was the best decision I ever made." I don't have the resources to better myself. Even when I did, I didn't see them. When I started up high school again at Riverview East, it was my dream to walk onstage next to all of my real friends-- Sara, Nick, Megan, Guy-- and take that piece of paper from Nina's hand and say "I fucking did it! I realized my dream, and now nothing will stop me." And with one mood swing, I ruined it. I threw away all of my dreams just because I had to have the last word. I ruined my one chance to realize the simplest dream I ever had, the easiest second chance ever given to me, and I threw it right down the fucking toilet. 

When I was kicked out of Riverview, I broke the only real promise I ever made to the people that care about me. And yet, I feel the most shame that I broke that promise I made to myself. I get angry at everyone else, I hold all of this resentment inside for them breaking all of those promises, when I'm no better because I did the same thing to myself. I could give a fuck less that my parents will never have the pleasure of seeing one of their children walk onstage and accept that diploma, I can give a fuck less that my grandmother will always be able to tell me what a failure I am without being a liar; what I care most about is the fact that I will never be able to look inside myself and see a promise that was fulfilled. I will never be able to say I am stronger than anyone I know, because in my heart and in my mind and in my soul, I am weak.

I'm still nothing but a scared little boy, sitting in the front seat of whatever beater car my mother drove at the time, hearing her say she wasn't ever going back to Chuck, but knowing she would turn around in a matter of minutes. I'm still vowing to myself that I will not be like that, depending on men to make me happy, to give me enough self-worth to feel like I can make it in this world, to feel like my life is worth a damn. But I'm turning out like that. I'm turning into my mother, and as much as I love and respect her for doing her best to raise me, I don't want to do the same things she did. I don't want to suffer through my life on account of my past, I want so badly to break away from it and be the person I know in my heart I can be. 

I need to get out of here. For some reason, I just know in my heart that living here, seeing the same places and people I've seen my whole life, it's just going to knock me back down. The fact that everyone here knows me and knows my past, and that I see that in their faces, I hear it in their voices when they speak to me, I feel the vibe from them that they know how many drugs I've been on, they know how many people I've slept with, they know where I've lived and what I've dreamed of yet failed to achieve... And even if they don't remember or don't care, I still feel as if they do. I still feel guilty for being alive, for having these wonderful opprotunities that I've just wasted for the sake of nothing important. It doesn't mean I love any of them any less, it doesn't mean that I will never speak to anyone ever again once I leave. I just know in my heart that I need to look back someday and feel like this was the proper decision. I need to be able to come back and have people look at me as the person who got the hell out and made something of themselves, instead of just another St. Clair County drone who works at the Sunrise Station for minimum wage and lives in the Walnut Apartments where rent goes by income. I need to be able to look inside myself and see that I fulfilled at least one promise to myself, and that I did so with nobody else's help but my own.

But, I can't even do that. My only options are to sell myself or be homeless, or stay with a friend, which is an option my pride won't allow me to consider... (side note: don't even know why i'm writing this, nobody ever reads this shit) I guess I just want my life to start, to be something meaningful, something to actually be proud of. I need to be happy with myself for who I am, not for what everyone else wants me to be. I need to deal with the fact that I had to grow up too fast, that my family life is virtually non-existant anymore, that my friends were only really my friends before I got kicked out of school, that my lovers only ever stayed with me because they pitied me, that I have no resources to build my own life. I need to find a way to create my own resources, to build my life from scratch, to have my own family that won't desert me just because they don't think I ever needed them. 

My own mother always told me: "Sean, I never worry about you because you don't need me to worry about you." Well, guess what Mom: You were wrong. Distancing yourself from me didn't make me stronger, it just created a fucking complex I can't get out of me!!! I can't trust anyone not to leave me, I can't trust anyone to consider my feelings above anyone else's, and I sure as hell don't have the confidence within myself to throw myself out into such a hateful and cruel world where everyone's feelings revolve around themselves and what they can get out of others. I can't stand living in a world where people aren't defined by their hearts, minds or souls; but rather, by what colour, what gender, what sexual orientation, what tax bracket they are in... I can't stand knowing that no matter what I do to better myself, there's always somebody out there who will not think I'm good enough.

I would cut my wrists if I didn't think it would hurt. I would take a bottle of pills if I didn't think anyone else would need them later. And I'd dive face-first off the Blue Water Bridge, but I don't have the money for the toll.

~*CKY -- 'Close Yet Far'*~

"Who said that I wasn't right?
And I lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried...

And don't take me under your wing
Don't need a hand, don't need anything
And I've got a roof over my head
As if I'd rather be alone with me instead...

Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never ever ever ever wanted this to be

I can hear the sounds of the city
Sunrise and set all the same to me
A hesitating pulse is good company
My reflection offers no apology

And who said that I wasn't right?
And I lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried...


Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never ever ever ever wanted this to be..."