Quitting smoking... Wish I had an ax...

Sometimes I breathe you in...

And I choke. Why am I so upset by words from you? Why do I think of you still? Why is there no escape from your cold blue eyes?

I'm cold-hearted, unfeeling, sadistic... ? ...

Maybe I am. Maybe I've lost my light, my fire inside, my spark. Maybe I've just become more of what you hated before. Maybe I like what I am now, maybe I don't. Maybe I wish I could change it, but I'm not able to morph so quickly into what you want... Maybe there's a light still glowing, but you just shield your eyes.

Maybe there are too many maybes and not enough love...

And I'm too weak to create any more...

Loud silence echoes through empty corridors, like veins of concrete and linoleum... All you hear is the loud silence... You know how it is... When it's so quiet you can hear the earth spinning, the stars burning...
Footsteps fade toward you from a distant source... There is a slight lump of fear rising in the back of your throat... Hasn't this place been empty for eons? You heard tales of this fear as a child... You never listened...
All of a sudden, more noises emerge from the flourescent glow around you... The faint dripping of water from the degraded plumbing... A slight scurrying, maybe rats... Maybe not...
You recall tales you heard as a child, of a woman... Elizabeth Bathory was her name, a countess or some sort of noble... She would kill beautiful young women to bathe in their blood, convinced it would keep her young and beautiful... They found her out at last and usurped her seat of power, locking her in a tower and listening to her desperate screams as she realized she was growing old and grey...
You wonder if maybe the blood did keep her beautiful... You wonder at the beauty of blood...
You're inside of something, and yet you don't know what... There is an absence of certainty, and you realize that you've waived goodbye to everything in your former existence that made any sense whatsoever... Do you fear it? Do you want to understand it? Do you seek to escape it?
Centuries ago, there were wars of such a romantic proportion, wars that brought humanity together as much as they seperated us... Epic battles where swords met and lovers parted, where the dead lay stacked in heaps so large, they never even bothered to bury them... Lands were divided, people held no value higher than cattle... Slaughter and butchery the likes of which nobody in your generation could fathom...
In this age, our wars are weak, cowardly... We rely on technology, the ability to wipe out a civilization at the touch of a button. There is no rebuilding, there is no thought of the history, the culture that is lost... What is there when we've lost our feeling, our emotion? What is left after we decimate our past? there is this emptiness, like a long abandoned corridor, veins of concrete and linoleum... But they are inside ourselves, they are a part of us...
Do you fear it? Do you wish to escape it?
There is a war inside of you... In your heart and your soul... You know there is a battle, but it is one you cannot fight, and there is no hope of victory... You search for it, you grasp at straws that vanished years ago... You must now come to terms with the fact that there is no emotion, there is no fear, you are helpless... You are hopeless... You gave up your soul to your own vanities, your own insecurities...

The footsteps are treading closer...

You run the length of the corridor, searching for any door, any window that may offer an escape from this nightmarish place... There are no openings, just an endless tomb of walls, with the dripping of water, the scurrying of the Maybe Rats... And the footsteps... You soon come to realize that as you are running towards the hope of escape, you are only drawing the footsteps closer... You become frantic, your pulse quickens, and you knwo terror for the first time, you understand what it means to want to die... You realize that it isn't life you're living, but a race you're running...
You recall the stories you used to read, and one in particular strikes a chord... In it, the world has spun on it's axis, turning land to ocean, oceans to land... The lands you know are now oceans, everything you knwo is underwater... There is a woman who can travel in the astral realms, and she goes to the Statue of Liberty, sharks swimming through the spikes of her crown, her eyes watching over the submerged New York City...
You wonder if it could happen, and what would humanity do if that did occur?
Would we survive? Would we flourish, rebuild?
Or die away...

The footsteps are behind you... You turn around and meet the face of your fear...



You see your own reflection...

Welcome to my mind...

:The.Force.Of.Gravity:
:by.BT.featuring.JC.Chasez:

Remember the words we use to speak
The promises made have turned to all apologies
The weight of the storm of memories
Still you're flying to fight the force of gravity

(Force of gravity...)

Remember the words we use to speak
The promises made have turned to all apologies
The weight of the storm of memories
Still you're flying to fight the force of gravity

I remember the days I still could breathe
Now I'm sinking beneath, the waves are crashing over me
The empty space that lay between
Is all that's left of where our love was meant to be

The force of gravity

Do you cry your eyes asleep?
Is it peace you seek at night when your body's weak?
Did it leave you with the scars, of a war-torn ravaged heart?
Do you cry your eyes asleep?

(Do you cry...)

Do you cry your eyes asleep?
Is it peace you seek at night when your body's weak?
Did it leave you with the scars, of a war-torn ravaged heart?
Do you cry your eyes asleep?

Do you cry your eyes asleep?
Is it peace you seek at night when your body's weak?
Did it leave you with the scars, of a war-torn ravaged heart?
Do you cry your eyes asleep?

Do you cry your eyes asleep?

(Do you cry...)

(Do you cry...)

Do you cry your eyes asleep?
Is it peace you seek at night when your body's weak?
Did it leave you with the scars, of a war-torn ravaged heart?
Do you cry your eyes asleep?
(Asleep...)

"Carbon-made only wants to be un-made... Blade to ice... It's double diamond time... She sings... Little Green... To me... She sings in between... this world and that world, and any world... She can be at, more than I can... When she's in between your world, my world, uphill, another pill, another pill down... Another pill, downhill...

Time to race... race the downhill... Behind crystalline irises... Loon can dive where the world bleeds white...

Just keee.eee.eee.eee.eeep Your eye.sss... on hee..r... Keee..ee.ee.ee.ee.ee.p your eyes on... Her hor.i.zon...

Black and blue.... Shredded ribbons of lithium... Blow by blow, her mind, cut in sheets... Laaa.aaa.aaa.y.er.ssss... deep... Now un.rav.e.ling.... Just kee.eee.eee.eee.eee.p your eyes on her... Kee.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.p, don't look away...

Get me Neil on the line, no I can't hold... Have him read... 'Snow Glass Apples' where nothing is what it seems... Little sis you must crack this... He says to me... You must go in again...



Carbon-made only wants to be unmade....

Blade to ice.

It's double diamond time...."

Today was great at work... I was top seller for the second day in a row, and at around 7, my visuals manager, Leslie sold the last medium pink dress shirt off one of the mannequins, and looke dove rat me and said "Dress him up, make him look cute." Usually they don't let floor associates do those things, so I was all geeked. I dressed him up in such a good outfit that two guys actually asked where they could find it and bought it right away! It was quite expensive too, a 98.00 pair of pants, 59.00 shirt, 68.00 sweater, 42.00 tie, 35.00 belt and 88.00 bag, so that was a big part of my sales... Leslie keeps hinting around thta I need a car so she can have me trained for Visuals... Fat pay raise and benefits!!! I'm so excited... She even said I could dress that particular mannequin, a centerpiece int he store, from now on... I formed a bond with the mannequin... His name is Luke... *giggle*

I'm so sick of letting people in... I'm through. I'm going to have to learn to survive the way Temptation taught me, relearn it I should say. He opened me up again, made me feel new again, gave me a chance at hope, and now it's done... I'm never falling for it again. Love can kiss off, it's not real. Love is a fucking joke, and I don't get it.

"I know... Where beauty lives... I've seen it once... I know the warmth she gives... The light... That burns inside of me... It shines inside, you can't take that from me..."
~Madonna, as covered by Tori Amos *Live to Tell*

Well, today my sales sucked, cause our store was literally DEAD... Had a few people put Homecoming clothes on hold, but I won't get those sales until they pay for them, and that will be Friday, which I don't work (at least I'm not SUPPOSED to work, but the way my week has gone, I will). If I don't that'll be cool, cause it's like 700.00 worth of merchandise, which would make it a 700.00 sale on a day when I'm not even there... LOL
I straightened all of the Men's side and all of the Denim Lounge by myself, in like 45 minutes... I've never seen Denim in worse shape... I think Hurricane Ivan's effects were manifested in the Denim Lounge... Angel agreed... Angel also gave me my new nickname... "BoyToy"... Which means everyone but Bryan has a nickname... Carlos is Man Candy, Rob is Jail Bait, Jeff is Sugar Cane, DB is Captain Delight (or Captain Delicious), and Angel is just Hot Mama... I guess there's no such thing as sexual harrassment at Express, cause if there were, us guys would be the poster victims... I wouldn't have it any other way... Angel wishes she could close with us boys every nite...
I just wish my security gaurd closed every nite... *drool*

Random Memory of the Week:

So we were at this party, right? It was me, Megan, Chris, Holly, Tiana, Alex, Steve-O, Adam and a few other people... And we got like six half gallons of Five O'Clock vodka... It's swill, don't try it... But it's cheap, and none of us had jobs... Anyways, I chugged like a third of this one jug in one drink and got really drunk really fast... At this point, I'm sitting on the sofa next to Adam, Holly, Tiana, Alex and Steve-O, all kinda piled up on top of one another... And Steve-O's sitting next to me, playing with my hand and giving me bedroom eyes... So I ask if he's gay and he says "Nu-Uh"... So I ask if he's bi, and he says "Maaaayyyybe...." and smiles all shy and sweet... I don't quite remember much after that, it just came into my mind and I felt like typing it out... LOL

Okay, I am now announcing the Grand Opening of my new Wiki page "The Vanity Club" Now the problem: I need a banner! Anyone who loves the whole photo manipulation/computer art scene, make a proposal. You will recieve credit where credit is due, and I'm not picky as to the content... just make it beautiful! And everyone who's vain (and knows they are) join!

Well, I love my new job! Today I made $666.77 in Sales and I was in the fitting rooms! I made $1,263.85 Thursday in Women's and Wednesday they had me clock in for two hours in Men's and I sold a mear $425.00.. And I even got the quiz question right this morning, which was What is the differnce between the Cetine and the Sarula denim? The difference is that they are both a low rise, but the Cetine is a lower rise. The Cetine are tight in the thigh and have a more extreme flare, the Sarula are more relaxed int he thigh and have a more narrow flare... I hate A & F even more now, because they decided to send an associate to tell us that their business was so great they could just toss a pile of clothes on the floor and they'd sell... Well, Express isn't anything like Abercrombie... We're here totarget the young, professional, descerning sophisticate, not the college frat boy who slams beer bongs and sets his farts on fire or the sorority bimbo who strives to get with such creatures, so thye can shove it up their annorexic asses! And American Eagle can lick my jollies asd well! At least we belive in customer service!

I keep thinking about everything Temptation taught me when I lived with her, about not trusting and not giving my heart up for people to break it again and again and again. How she said "There's no such thing as Love. Love is just some fantasy man created to make sex seem less beastial and animalistic." I wonder if she might be right. I had myself all prepared to face a world without love or the need of love, and now it's come crumbling down again. I thought melting would feel nice, that feeling things would make me human again, but I fear it really hasn't. Just leaves me scared and unsure of myself as always. And to think the last thing she said to me as I left those weeks ago was "Stay out of trouble honey! And don't trust anyone! You're too smart for that shit now!"

God, how I miss you, Temptation! You taught me so much, i never was hurt when you were looking out for me, and now I feel like I've been abandoned again to people's bullshit and drama and I don't know how to stop it!!! I need you now again, and yet I'm too far away to even have your advice!

why do i fall for it everytime?

Sometimes I fear I'm going to end up like one of Jeffery Dahmer's victims, chopped up, acid in my brain, a mindless zombie for some sick fuck's dark fantasies... Then I realize they'll prolly go after the cute boys first... And I thank god I'm kinda plain... LOL

Wish I Didn't Miss You
Angie Stone
(Mahogany Soul)

Same old story is back again
She's not a lover, she's just a friend
I'm sick and tired for you to blame on me
Now you think it's funny
Now you wanna spend your money on girls
But you forgot when you were down
That I was around

Call my lover, hang up, call again
What in the world is happening
Listen in, but don't yell at me
Isn't it ironic all you wanna do is smoke chronic
Boy, you forgot when you were down
Who was around

[1] - I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore
Waiting for love to walk through the door
I wish I didn't miss you anymore

Memories don't live like people do
I'm sick for ever believing you
Wish you'd bring back the man I knew
Was good to me, oh Lord
Everytime you say you're coming
Boy, you disappoint me, honey
How well you forgot when you were down
And I was around

[Repeat 1]
[Repeat 1]

One of these days, it's gonna happen to you
Missing a love like I'm missing you, babe yeah yeah
One of these days, when your dreams come true
That's the one that's gonna do it to you
Oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

[Repeat 1 until fade]

Everyone says I look really good in this pic (Robbie hates his face... *so cute*)but I think i look really tired... We were in Ferndale... LOL... Gay Prom... *rolls eyes* But it was sorta okay... This pic was taken for Detroit's Gay Newsletter "Between the Lines" www.pridesource.com


So I guess everyone is wondering where I've been? Working.... I work mornings as a cook/waiter-in-training at Big Boy in Marine Shitty (City), and I work evenings at KMart across the same plaza.... I'll be full-time at Big Boy soon, cause KMart blows... Werll, I'll be on when I have time, but until then, Love ya alll and Miss Those of You Who Count!!! (~*P.S. Buy "Welcome to Sunny Florida" by Tori Amos!!! It fucking ROCKS!!!*~)

Well, Elftown was fun, but I must be going now... To all of my real friends here, you have my number or my email address, so you know how to get to me. Work has been taking up most of my time, and the drama and bullshit of Elftown has gotten to me. It's nothing but a shallow vanity now, And I'm tired of striving to be something I'm not even online. I don't do it in my real life, so I refuse to waste any of my time doing it online anymore. So, to all of you who'd like to still talk to me or know that I'd like to continue talking to you, find me on a Tori Amos message board or email me.

I'm Out

Love
Sean