I wish everyone would stop misinterpretin
How could this happen? How could I fall in love again, only to find it was just a dream, and can't be reality? Why can't I just find happiness, just once? He said I will always have his heart, but I want all of him. Am I selfish? Am I wrong to feel like this? I know he has his own life now that he must worry about, but I want to be there to help him through. I want this so much, maybe that's why I lost it.
Richard threatened suicide again today after ending our engagement. He says life with him would only hurt me. I hate not knowing if he is alive or dead. I hate not being there to comfort him when he feels so alone. I hate this distance, this sadness, this pain. But I love the man, and I cannot help but feel lost without him. If he is dead now, how will I go on? How is it I will be able to love again knowing this is on my shoulders? How can I ever be the same person?
But most of all, I hate the ocean, because it keeps us apart from each other. I need you Richard, please come back to me. Please do not do this, I beg you...
I just do things before thinking them through, now don't I? With everyhting, I speak first, think later. I need to get something... Vicodin, weed, Oxycotin, Morphene, anything to numb this shit... A bottle of mouthwash would work even!!!
I am a fucking moron who ruins all the good in his life...
WHYWHYWHWYWHYW
"Muhammed My Friend... It's time to tell the world... We both know it was a girl... Back in Bethlehem... And on that fateful day... When she was crucified... She wore Shiseido Red... And we drank tea by her side... And it's sweet sweet sweet... Sweet sweet sweet... Sweet sweet sweet... Ya used to be so sweet to me, well..."
~*+Tori Amos+*~
"Muhammed My Friend"
from
"Boys for Pele"
Why is my emotional irrationality ruining my life???
today is the day you asked me Richard, and I said yes... I adore you, and I always will... I can't wait to make it reality!
"Turning myself inside out... Only for the masses view... I can pose just like a Prada Boy... But only just for you... Once I can count the ribs without my fingers... I'll be good enoguh for you..."
[Devil in Heaven], I'm done competing with you... I don't have to anymore, I have other things to worry about now...
Well, now I have some guy that doesn't even know me trying to break up me and richard, and the worst thing is, I think it will probably work. I guess I am just a piece of shit. I honestly refuse to give my heart to anybody anymore, and if this doesn't work out, I'm going to do what I originally planned and take off to Key West. I'm done with this emotional bullshit, and I refuse to even care anymore...
I have a new hairstyle now... My Auntie Brandie did it... I have a mohawk now, it's adorable!!! And so easy to maintain... Just a tiny bit of shampoo and then a little hair gel and VOILA!!! I look like a punk/prep...
Well, [der hardcore] hates me. I should have known it would never ever last. I'm not good enough for anyone to love. My house is empty now save a few things that I actually care about. If you're gay, bisexual, or anything close, don't message me. Ever.
Today I'm going to go watch the Harry Potter movies with my chicks, because Harry Potter is the precious...
I just got home from a whole day in a fucking car, boiling my ass off... I went and saw some of my old friends who are all out on their own in cities across the fucking state... First Carrie and I drove to St. Johns (just north of Lansing) and saw Melissa... She's living in a cute little flat above a photography studio... It's great... Then we baked cookies for her b/f and his punk band Bestiary cause they're going on tour tonite... Today we went to Wixom (Detroit area) and saw my cousin by marriage, Jesska... And now I havbe decided to move out on my own... I'm gonna get with Jesska next week to go job and apartment hunting... It took the last two days to realize how sick and fucking tired I am of answering to my parents. I'm 18, there's no reason for it...
Humourous things that happened? My friend doubt the power of my gaydar (gay radar), but I proved them wrong today..> We went to the Macaroni Grill (stoopid name, awesome italian food!!!) in Novi and there was this totally flamboyant fag that walked in... I told my friend carrie he was gay and she was lie "not every guy is gay just because you say he is"... Then he started talking reallly loud and lisping on his cell phone saying things like "oh my god girlfriend" and they all just kind of looked at me and busted out laughing...
The chicken canneloni I oredered was good at the time I was eating it, but after 12 hours in a hot car on two hours of sleep, I lost it... I threw it all back up, but here's the kicker-- I did it in a trash can at POTTERY BARN!!!! And no, not just any trash can, but a 28.00 trash can on the sales floor... So I had to buy that... And then to make mattters worse, the girls took it to the car wash and rinsed it out so Jesska could keep it as a momento... I will never show my face in the Twelve Oaks mall again... EVER!!!!
"My Friend Peter" by Alkaline Trio
I dont care who you've been sleeping with these days
You're outta my hair
It's growing just above my smiling face that I wear
Every night I drink myself to sleep
Not thinking about you
Not thinking about anything at all
I don't care who you've been dining with these days
It's more than fair
Much rather be drinking anyways
With my friend Peter
Who lives so fucking far away
Yet not as far as you
Even though you live right down my fucking street
And I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do
I dont care who you've been kissing on these days
It's out of my hands
and in my mouth with such a pleasant taste
I need a beer to wash it all away without a trace
And then i'll drink 23 more
To wipe this stupid smile off my fucking face
I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all those drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do
Why are some people such fucking bastards??? I mean, you try to help someone, make them feel better and they shit on you like you were totally bringing them down.. I'm through being Mr. Counselor, I'm fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!
Well well well... Summer is here... It's a hot muggy 87 degrees farenheit and it's almost midnight! I feel as hot as a salsa dancer at cinco de mayo in my white wife beater and worn denim american eagle jeans... Soft sumptuous summer, I am in your grasp... Ahhh... I am sunburnt but it adds color, so I care not one bit... I am writing war letters of passion to Nebel and all is good for a while...
My new role model that I will model myself after is no longer Tori Amos... I still love her immensley, but now my idol is Lil' Kim.... I love the thug have no care attitude!!!
Okay... That's how Nebel found out... Hmm... I'm not sure what to think about today... I feel tired, angry, sad, loved, and anxious all at once... I hate feeling anything, especially too much all at once... And I miss Richard...