All I ever wanted was to belong to someone, but even that is unattainable..
Yeah... Just hoping this speed makes this heart explode, so I don't ahve to face it anymore...
Well, today I decided to quit my home life. I told my parents to fuck off, now I stay where I can when I'm not in school or at work. I work almost everyday, but I still don't make enough to get my own place... I might stay with friends, but I doubt it... Oh well..> Life goes on... Onward to Iowa or some shit...
Well, today I decided to quit my home life. I told my parents to fuck off, now I stay where I can when I'm not in school or at work. I work almost everyday, but I still don't make enough to get my own place... I might stay with friends, but I doubt it... Oh well..> Life goes on... Onward to Iowa or some shit...
OH!!! And I can play the start of "Horses" by Tori Amos on the piano, entirely by accident!!!! I am SO PSYCHED!!!
Hmm... So I work fast food, right? And all of these idiots are coming through my drive-thru, yelling at me for their orders being wrong, or their food is cold, or blah blah blah,We're out of chili, we don't have cherry pies, WAH WAH WAH!!! I fucking hate people like you who come through my drive through and expect my sympathy! I smile because my job requires it, so don't talk down to me like I'M the idiot! Am I the one who just burned gas in my car for twenty minutes waiting on a $1.00 hamburger? No. Am I the one who's only 22 and has an eight year old child? No. I work at McDonald's, so FUCKING WHAT??? That doesn't make me an idiot. I am already a manager there, before my first paycheck was even given tome, what does that tell you? And the next time you come through my drive thru and bitch about your food to me, rememebr this: I don't make the food. I just take the money and give the food out!
So now I am breakfast manager of McDonald's, only one week from my start date. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing, because now I deal with all the stupid little minors bitching that I stole their job. Give me a break... I am exhausted from working all weekend and not sleeping... Got myself obsessed with the Express thing now and I'm buying everything in the store... Senior Pictures are coming up soon and I wanna look like the snob everyone says I am. Shawhan was right, "Sure, I'm arrogant... Oh well, it gets me through the day and losers won't talk to me, so it does me good." I am beginning to see the value in that. Put yourself on a high enough pedastal to where nobody can reach you to knock you down, than nobody will. And gaurd the heart as well. the only person it is valuable to is yourself.
Well, my major problems now, aside from being dumped by Richard, are this: my ex boyfriend is gonna be my new manager as of Halloween, so I'll prolly lose my job after that (T.J.) Last night was my first night on drive thru, and I hate it. A lot of assholes who talk too quiet then treat YOU like the idiot. I hate people.
and I need to get my car fixed, new brakes and muffler...
Oh, how dull life seems with no major drama...
I guess I'm a snob too... Yippee... There's a 30-80% off Everything in Overstock Sale at Express this week, I'm excited1 New pinstripe blazer and pants, new pleated dress shirt and black silk tie, all for $125.00... It's lookin so cute on me too!
What do I do now? I'm so fucking confused! Why is it that when I don't want anyone's advice, they always offer it up, but when I do, they're all stupid idiots about it and give me that glazed look and that "I don't know..."??? WHY???
FROM NOW ON I NEED ONLY RICHARD, AND IF NOT HIM, I NEED ONLY THE GUY I AM WITH! I HATE FRIENDS, THEY CAUSE TOO MANY PROBLEMS AND TOO MUCH DRAMA! THE ONLY FRIENDS I WANT ARE THE FRIENDS I HAVE RIGHT HERE AT HOME!!! AMY VISGA, [klyde noone], STEPHIE, KB, AC, YOU ALL ROCK! JEFF, SHAWHAN, TOMMY, YOU ALL KEPT ME SANE DURING THIS TIME AND I LOVE YOU ALL FOR THAT!
Richard, once you are back, and you can hear my side of the story at last, you can decide what you want to do. But I am not going through your friends anymore. I refuse to battle wits with unarmed opponents!
I never worry- Never care- That's what you think isn't it? I tried to be loving, tried to care, tried not to worry, tried not to be suspicious- But it doesn't matter...
Words are spoken through more tongues than my own-- Leave this place and journey home-- Back to the way my life was before-- Lock you out-- Barricade the door...
I can't leave you, I love you, I hate when you're in pain, but I'm too far gone from you now, And HE loves you again...
So I'll not look for answers... If they matter, they'll come, and I can't sit around, while my life is undone... Can't think of you, cause it'll bring me to tears... I wanted you bad... I wanted you near... But now he's too close for comfort... What am I to do? The words that I mean will never even reach you... Will you ever believe me? Ever know that I care? WIll I ever awake in bed to find you there? I can't search for answers... If they matter, they'll come... So now I gotta do what everyone does... And look out for number one...
i'm always the bad guy. now everyone loves sascha and thinks i'm an asshole. joy. oh well. what do i do? wait for richard? go find someone else and ditch elftown? mail me soon richard, i miss you. i hate it here alone.
I wish everyone would stop misinterpretin
How could this happen? How could I fall in love again, only to find it was just a dream, and can't be reality? Why can't I just find happiness, just once? He said I will always have his heart, but I want all of him. Am I selfish? Am I wrong to feel like this? I know he has his own life now that he must worry about, but I want to be there to help him through. I want this so much, maybe that's why I lost it.
Richard threatened suicide again today after ending our engagement. He says life with him would only hurt me. I hate not knowing if he is alive or dead. I hate not being there to comfort him when he feels so alone. I hate this distance, this sadness, this pain. But I love the man, and I cannot help but feel lost without him. If he is dead now, how will I go on? How is it I will be able to love again knowing this is on my shoulders? How can I ever be the same person?
But most of all, I hate the ocean, because it keeps us apart from each other. I need you Richard, please come back to me. Please do not do this, I beg you...
I just do things before thinking them through, now don't I? With everyhting, I speak first, think later. I need to get something... Vicodin, weed, Oxycotin, Morphene, anything to numb this shit... A bottle of mouthwash would work even!!!
I am a fucking moron who ruins all the good in his life...
WHYWHYWHWYWHYW
"Muhammed My Friend... It's time to tell the world... We both know it was a girl... Back in Bethlehem... And on that fateful day... When she was crucified... She wore Shiseido Red... And we drank tea by her side... And it's sweet sweet sweet... Sweet sweet sweet... Sweet sweet sweet... Ya used to be so sweet to me, well..."
~*+Tori Amos+*~
"Muhammed My Friend"
from
"Boys for Pele"
Why is my emotional irrationality ruining my life???
today is the day you asked me Richard, and I said yes... I adore you, and I always will... I can't wait to make it reality!
"Turning myself inside out... Only for the masses view... I can pose just like a Prada Boy... But only just for you... Once I can count the ribs without my fingers... I'll be good enoguh for you..."