I vented into my diary.
I feel better.
Well.
I don't feel like puking.
But meh.
Again, this is one of those weeks.
Where you wish you had a remote.
To rewind it.
Just because.
It was that bad.
Life never seems to get better for a very long time..
Little bit of sunshine and then rain. rain rain rain.
I just don't understand what I did , or do wrong.
Where is it I've fucked up, or am fucking up.
How to make things better...
i just dont..understand it.
And it frightens me.
I hate not understanding something.
I fear not understanding..

Know what I really want?
And I keep saying this.
But itsnot like it will ever happen.
I would love to log in.
And have a message.
In which, I'm actually told I'm appreciated. That I'm told I'm important, and why, and how. To hear that I'm actually loved, and wanted around for more then just being that nice guy.
I need in my life to feel appreciated, and wanted, and loved.
not, romantic passion love.
but just...loved.
Some people need someone.
Others need alchohol.
I need..to be appreciated and loved.
I need to hear it.
I know that sounds selfish but really..
How often am I?
how often to I sacrifice for others?
How often is it me paying for them to be happy?
Who is it that keeps their promises, doesnt lie, and always has his shoulder nice and dry for you all?
I just...I need it.
I keep asking for it.
I keep saying it...
And every time I say it.
And every time I log on.
And I don't feel it.
I feel worse and worse..

Upside.
Going to the movies.
Going ot see twilight.
I'm going to make fun of it.
Lots.
Yes, I've read the books.
I've seen the first movie.
I'm going to make fun of it.
I only wish I had a shirt I saw on someone once.
" I want my vampires to not sparkle like pretty pretty princesses."
That would be win.
or
" Team Dracula."
I just may make a FB group called that.
We shall see.
Anyways...I need ..well, alot of things being the selfish, spoiled, fatass that I am.
But I'm going to go out.
And try to pretend I have a good life.

Guess getting online, risking being late was a waste this morning...awesome.

It's when I'm silent.
You know something is wrong.

Think I'll go play my ds.
or go for a walk.
or..something.
I don't know.
I'mf eeling depressed.
I know why.
Its a stupid reason.
one too stupid to talk about.
Trust me, if anyone even wanted to listen, and I told them
They'd agree.
its a really fcuking stupid reason.
anywho.
bye for now I guess.

I feel like complete total shit.
I've had a horrid fucking day.
I'm going to go log for a bit.
Pretty much untill I have a good reasont o get online.

That was it.
My last attempt.
I won't try anymore.

*sits down thinking*
Jealousy and bitterness does not suite you well Josh.
But however to rid yourself of it?
I know what I want.
It's so simple too I just...
Can't seem to have it.

Throbbing headache.
And nothing to do today now.
Wonderful fucking day off.

See that star?
That one right there?
Yeah, its not that one.
It's that really small one right there.

Going to bed.
See you all sometime tomarrow I'm sure.

Was it worth it?
Did it leave a mark?
Will there forever be a place.
For me to call my own?

I'm falling.
Reaching, grasping.
I'm falling.

*sits down, thinking deeply*
So many thoughts...
So many questions..
Just one want.

Theres just something I want to hear.
And everyone knows what it is.
I'm just -dieing- to hear it.
But no one will say it.
Please go on and say it.
And tell me why.
To keep me around.
I just need to feel it.
To have it said.
to know the -why-.
I'm just dieing to know.
So please, just go on and say it.

Now I understand.

Going.
Going.

I need someone.
But because no one is there.
I'm going to go drive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5HhvUgw2cA&feature=subtivity

Go to it.
Watch it.
Comment.
The yeti commands you.

I am important.
Anyone agree?

Once I'm lost.
I'm lost.
There is no finding again.