My migraine is killing me.
Maxxtol failed.
Annoyed at aspects of life.
1. I have to go in for more blood work.
2. I'm still freaking single.
3. There is an odd pain in the back of my head. Its not like the other pains.
4. I got no sleep last night.
5. I get the feeling I'm nto getting anything for christmas. :/
6. Other then coal.

*sits down,before slowly curling up*
You ever have one dream.
One silly hope.
That deep down, you knew would never come true.
But it was nice having.
Just because it was all you had?
You ever have that one dream, that one silly hope.
Taken from you?


I thought I would like it here.
And I do.
I have a great job.
But..thats all I have.
The people I stay iwth..their so loud, they fight all the time and I'm always stressed.
I'm not sleeping. If its not nightmares, its my headaches.
I'm always depressed.
I feel utterly alone, un appriciated, and not very important, at all.
I'm not asking for passionate love.
Just love.
I'm not asking to be someones whole world.
Just a star atleast.
Something important.
To hear it..
I don't maybe.
Maybe I'm asking too much.
Maybe I'm expecting too much.
I mean, I've wanted it but..I've never really asked for it before coming here.

I don't want next year to come.
It will mean alot of things for me.
A new year without any family.
A whole year of being single. Again.
the fact that after a few months in this new year.
I"ll probley lose my best friend.
This New Year will probley be whenever I find out whats wrong with me.


Last week, on a wensday I had off.
I visited a friend of mine.
Shes a military doctor.
And, it wasnt an oficial diagnosis ( Being as well, we were at her home)
Well..Apartment untill her bf moves in. Then they'll be getting home.
But anyways.
She listened to me describe it. We talked in depth on how long I've had them, where the pains were, how often they were around. I told her about the 3 times now they've put me on my knees crying the pain was os bad.
And I didnt like what she had tot ell me.

And I really don't want to go pick out a physician this saturday.
Who will then begin the process of finding out whats wrong.
I don't want to know anymore.

I really am a mess arnt I?
People who don't really know me.
say they seem me as this strong, well mannered, optimistic person.
Whos always smiling, and can take on anything. Physically or emotionally.
Deep down inside...I'm a scared little kid in a room, whos walls are cracking, and water is leaking from the ceiling. And there is something outside my door, and I pray to whatever being is outthere, that the monster never realizes my door is unlocked.
thats what I see of myself when I look in.
A scared little kid who acts strong, because thats what his loved ones need.

Soon it won't matter though huh? I won't even have them soon enough..

who and what are you greatful for in life?
Maybe you should tell them.

-A vowel, a sound, a word if you please. Something, anything this silence, its killing me. Apart from the lies, the street of broken dreams. Give me some hope, that I can spread my wings and dream. Give me a reason to be more then what I am. I need a reason to rise. A reason to breathe. Give me a chance, the possibility that just maybe, we can be more then what we are.

Everyone knows.
But no one says.
Everyone sees.
But no one hears.
Everyone thinks.
But no one acts.
Everyone this.
No one that.

I'm going to go curl up in my bed.
And play with my doubts and fears.
untill its time for work.
Night all.

What do I want for Christmas?
ha.
Thats funny.

Hint.
Hint hint.
hint.

I vented into my diary.
I feel better.
Well.
I don't feel like puking.
But meh.
Again, this is one of those weeks.
Where you wish you had a remote.
To rewind it.
Just because.
It was that bad.
Life never seems to get better for a very long time..
Little bit of sunshine and then rain. rain rain rain.
I just don't understand what I did , or do wrong.
Where is it I've fucked up, or am fucking up.
How to make things better...
i just dont..understand it.
And it frightens me.
I hate not understanding something.
I fear not understanding..

Know what I really want?
And I keep saying this.
But itsnot like it will ever happen.
I would love to log in.
And have a message.
In which, I'm actually told I'm appreciated. That I'm told I'm important, and why, and how. To hear that I'm actually loved, and wanted around for more then just being that nice guy.
I need in my life to feel appreciated, and wanted, and loved.
not, romantic passion love.
but just...loved.
Some people need someone.
Others need alchohol.
I need..to be appreciated and loved.
I need to hear it.
I know that sounds selfish but really..
How often am I?
how often to I sacrifice for others?
How often is it me paying for them to be happy?
Who is it that keeps their promises, doesnt lie, and always has his shoulder nice and dry for you all?
I just...I need it.
I keep asking for it.
I keep saying it...
And every time I say it.
And every time I log on.
And I don't feel it.
I feel worse and worse..

Upside.
Going to the movies.
Going ot see twilight.
I'm going to make fun of it.
Lots.
Yes, I've read the books.
I've seen the first movie.
I'm going to make fun of it.
I only wish I had a shirt I saw on someone once.
" I want my vampires to not sparkle like pretty pretty princesses."
That would be win.
or
" Team Dracula."
I just may make a FB group called that.
We shall see.
Anyways...I need ..well, alot of things being the selfish, spoiled, fatass that I am.
But I'm going to go out.
And try to pretend I have a good life.

Guess getting online, risking being late was a waste this morning...awesome.

It's when I'm silent.
You know something is wrong.

Think I'll go play my ds.
or go for a walk.
or..something.
I don't know.
I'mf eeling depressed.
I know why.
Its a stupid reason.
one too stupid to talk about.
Trust me, if anyone even wanted to listen, and I told them
They'd agree.
its a really fcuking stupid reason.
anywho.
bye for now I guess.

I feel like complete total shit.
I've had a horrid fucking day.
I'm going to go log for a bit.
Pretty much untill I have a good reasont o get online.

That was it.
My last attempt.
I won't try anymore.

*sits down thinking*
Jealousy and bitterness does not suite you well Josh.
But however to rid yourself of it?
I know what I want.
It's so simple too I just...
Can't seem to have it.

Throbbing headache.
And nothing to do today now.
Wonderful fucking day off.

See that star?
That one right there?
Yeah, its not that one.
It's that really small one right there.

Going to bed.
See you all sometime tomarrow I'm sure.

Was it worth it?
Did it leave a mark?
Will there forever be a place.
For me to call my own?

I'm falling.
Reaching, grasping.
I'm falling.