Holy fucking shit this is HILARIOUS!!!!

Sex-Slaves of the Florida Suburb.


By JenH1976


Category: Humor
Fiction
Published: 15-Mar-2005


Views: 11


Rating: Professional














About The Author




Jen once heard that obsessions make for the best writing.


So Jen decided that she should create an obsession...


Unfortunately, bologna sandwiches are not the topic of many Pulitzers.


She is a top ranked author and is currently holding the #22 position.


She is an accomplished novelist and is currently at the #50 spot on this years rankings.




Portfolio | Become A Fan


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Author Note: Shut up and read it already.


Warning: The author has noted that this contains strong language.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains strong sexual content.


I hit play on the answering machine and cringed at the abrasive New Yorkian accent blaring from the speakers.


"Hey. This is Mick and I'm quite interested in the "Sex-Slave" ad that you placed in the paper yesterday. I just faxed you my resume' and I wanted to make sure you knew that today is good for interviews. Call me at 555-077-3400"


I sighed and jotted the number down. Not exactly what I had in mind when I placed the ad. So far, I'd only received two responses, a homeless guy and this damn New Yorker. I was reconsidering my sudden desire to have a Sex-Slave. I read that it would be great for my self-esteem, but I seriously doubted if it was worth all this effort.


Mr. New York just sounded more like a Thaddeus the III than a Mick. I mean we're talking uber-white-bread-boy here. If that's the vibe I got from the message, what on earth was I going to DO with him when he was here?


I checked my interview sheet, a checklist of qualities that I considered EXTREMELY important in a sex-slave. The Homeless guy really hadn't scored that bad, until he tried to eat my wax-apples. Even that wasn't horrendous; I gave him a half-check under "makes me laugh". It was the nose thing that really disqualified him. The Homeless dude, Brett, had blown his nose on my throw-blanket.


Now I can overlook personal hygiene. I can overlook manners. I can overlook tact, dignity, and all that shit, but I can NOT overlook snot.


I really didn't want to have to keep Brett-the-homeless-guy on standby and I didn't have any other prospects.


I took a deep breath and dialed Mick's number.


Ring. Ring. Ring.


"This is Mick."


I cringed at the Yankese.


"Hi, Mick. It's Jen."


"Jen?"


"Yes. Jen, you know, Jen H. 1976?"


"Is this about last weekend? I know I said I'd call, baby, but I got busy. How'd you get my number?"


"You responded to my ad?"


"Riiiiight! You're the sex-slave chick."


"I'm looking for a sex-slave, if that's what you mean."


"You sound hot, I'll take you."


"You mean you'll take the job, right?"


"Whatever. So, Jen, when are you going to be here?"


I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. If he wasn't at least CLEAN I fully intended on flushing my head down the toilet. I spoke in Parentese, the lilting, cutsy language that new moms develop when they first have kids, I annunciated very clearly, "Mick,? Honey, I'm not coming to your place, you're coming to mine."


"Great! I'll be there in fifteen minutes!"


"Whoa, settle down there, Mick. Let's talk for a bit, get to know each-other. Why don't we consider this a phone-interview, or a pre-interview-interview."


"Ok. What do you want to know?"


I grabbed his resume and a checklist from the coffee table. I scanned quickly, desperate for an intro-topic.


"Well, Mick, I'm highly impressed with your ability to sanitize a commode. It says here that you could eat off it! Gee! That's... something!"


"You know what they say, 'Where a man lays his ass, he calls home.' "


I squinched my face up a bit, "No, I've never heard "them" say that, actually I have no clue who "they" are. If I knew who "they" were I'd tell "them" that made not one lick of sense."


"Great! Should I head over?"


I put a check mark next to "Exuberant". Exuberance is a great quality in a sex-slave, right?


"Not just yet. Let's talk a little more. You're "tune-out ability" is off the meter."


"I have a teenager."


I put gigantic checkmark over "holler-at-able". This was going ok! If we could put a set of brakes on the cockiness, he'd do just fine. Much better that Brett-the-blanket-snotter.


"Well, this is going well, don't you think?" I chirped, "But there's an area or two that I'd like some elaboration on."


"Do you always talk so much?"


"What?"


I could FEEL him grin on the phone as he switched to his version of Parentese, he annunciated VERY clearly, "I said, DO. YOU. ALWAYS. TALK. SO. MUCH?"


Hmmm, this could be a bad sign. A very bad sign. I thought for a moment that he was, perhaps, messing with me... then again, maybe he's just not too bright. Yeah, I'll stick to that! Not to bright is a good quality to have in a sex-slave! A VERY good quality.


"Yes. I talk a lot. I'm allowed. I'm not the one applying for a sex-slave position."


He laughed, didn't say anything, just laughed.


I continued, "As I was saying, there is an area or two of concern here."


"Like what?"


Oh yeah, he was grinning on the other end of the phone. Suddenly I was nervous.


"Under "lead-around-by-the-nose-ability" you have, in bold, "Ain't Nobody's Beeyotch!"


"Right. Is that a problem?"


"Yes. It is."


"Would you be so kind as to explain why?"


"My ad specifically stated that only beeyotches need apply."


"I'm qualified in enough other areas to compensate for that."


I put a HUGE red X next to "Thinks he's God's gift."


"Are you now, Mick? That's quite interesting."


"Yep. So I'll be there in fifteen minutes."


I sighed. This was my best candidate? THIS? Maybe I should just join a Jazzercise class or something to boost my self-esteem.


"Mick, I'm sorry, but I don't think that this is going to work. I'm looking for a beeyotch to mess with. I even have a preference for gay beeyotches. See, I'm worried that if we're watching TV and I jump into your lap..."


"See?" he cut me off, "I knew I'd be great at this! I'm not even there and you can't keep your hands off me! Damn! I am GOOD!"


"No, Mick, it's not that at all. I'm trying to do the whole "Let's be evil" thing. I just want someone to torture in a sadistically-good-natured-way. I have a feeling that you wouldn't be in enough awe of me, I have an ego to feed, you know."


"I've got something to feed it," he leered.


I sighed for the bazillionth time.


"Are you touching yourself?"


I really wasn't expecting that. The best I could respond was a yelping ,"WHAT?!"


"I heard you sigh, " he calmly explained, very slowly, very clearly. I had the strangest feeling that I was actually the mouse in this game, it was an unsettling feeling.


He continued, "I figured that you got so excited about my ego-feeder that you..."


"I most certainly am NOT!" I shouted!


"I call him Vlad."


"Are you for real."


"The Impaler."


"That is the worst line I've ever heard."


"What am I supposed to call my ego-feeder, Princess Priscilla?"


"I don't give a DAMN what you call it!"


"Don't call him an it. You'll hurt his feelings! Awwww, did she hurt you're feeling, Vlad? Don't worry, she'll kiss it and make it better."


"Are you talking to you... to yourself?"


"No, I'm talking to Vlad. Even mighty warriors get their feeling hurt, sometimes!"


"Shut UP! I am not the least bit interested in... "


"Oh, you're interested all right! You're VERY interested."


"I am NOT!"


"Yes you are!"


"Am not!"


"Are too!"


"Am not!"


"Face it, baby, you want me!"


"What?"


"I can tell."


"My name is JEN, not baby, JEN. J-E-N. and I'd rather have a homeless person than you!"


"Whatever, baby."


I was seething at this point. What a wretched asshole!


"Mick, this conversation is over!"


"I agree. You really shouldn't talk so much. I'll be there in fifteen."


"No!"


"Ok, ten. I have a Ferrari you know, I should be able to make it there in ten."


"NO!"


"Yes. And when I get there you're going to put on the French-maid-outfit."


This was unbelievable! "For your information, I don't HAVE a French-maid-outfit!"


"I took the liberty of picking one up for you. If you don't wear a six, then I'd suggest you start the Adkins diet ASAP."


"Y... y... you bought, " I stammered, "... you did... w... w... what? I mean, yeah, I do...WHAT? How DARE you suggest I... I... Why Adkins? Why not South Beach or Zone?"


"Because all you need on the Adkins diet is protein, and it just so happens that I have a convenient dispenser."


"Named Vlad, "I said drolly.


"You're not as dumb as I thought you were. That should make it a bit more interesting for me."


"UHG! You! You!... Uuuhhhh!"


"You're getting off, aren't you?"


I was too pissed off to complete a sentence at this point, "I am! You ARE! Oh my! I can't even! HOW DARE!"


"See?" I could feel that smarmy grin again, "You are!"


"Mick?"


"What baby?"


"Are you on crack?"


"Nope."


"Are you psychotic?"


"Nope."


I felt the need to sigh, but for some odd reason, I was afraid too. Go figure.


"Listen, baby, when I get there you should have the shower ready."


"You're not coming here."


"That has yet to be seen."


"No, Mick."


"I'll let you watch if that will get you out of this tiff that you've thrown yourself in."


"Watch what?"


"Me, taking a shower."


It dawned on me that Mick WAS screwing with me. He was just messing with my mind. There were no real-guys like this, not in New York, not anywhere. Once I came to that conclusion, the whole thing became hysterical.


"You're kidding me right, "I giggled, "This is a prank call, isn't it? Am I on Candid-camera?"


"Nope. I like the sound of the whole sex-slave thing, and after talking with you for a bit, I think you'd make a fine one... in time."


"Sure, Mick" I laughed, "whatever you say. When is Alan Fundt coming out?"


"This may take more time than I thought, you really aren't the brightest crayon in the box, are you, Jen? That's not a quality that I require in a sex-slave, but it is preferred." His tone was almost... mocking.


I sobered up a little, "But you were supposed to be my sex-slave, Mick."


"Yeah, well, I didn't like that part. So I changed it."


I sobered up a lot, "You're serious."


"Yes. I am. Flexibility will garner those points you lost for being an idiot."


"This is not happening." I muttered.


His voice kinda went down a notch, got a little husky, and suddenly that accent wasn't quite so noticeable hideous.


"Face it, baby, you're a little filly in need of a set of strong-hands with a light-touch."


I shivered. I think I shivered just to spite myself.


"No. I'm going to forget that this conversation ever happened and sign up for Water Ballet."


"Say, yes, baby. I can whisper horrendous French to you while you rub my feet."


"Really?" I said, perking up a bit. Aw DAMN, what was I thinking. "I mean no! NO!"


"I can teach you how to knit on the balcony."


"I don't have a balcony," I stammered, oddly disappointed at the lack of said balcony.


"Purl one," he whispered.


I shivered again.


"Say yes, and when you decide to throw yourself at me, I'll let you skip to third in line."


"I will NOT throw myself... what line?'


"The line of honeys outside my door, all waiting to get a piece of the Mighty Mickster."


"Third? I'd be third? No way in HELL am I ever throwing myself at you! Why third?"


"I owe the breastfeeding-chick that lives down the hall from me. She's helped me out of more than a few coffee-crises."


"Ok. I can understand that. That's almost noble. Sick, but noble. So why not second?"


"You need to learn some patience."


"But I don't WANT to learn patience, "I whined.


"Is that a "yes", Jen?" He said, quite obviously bemused.


Here I was, arguing to get to the front of a line that I had no intention of ever getting into. Dali could have painted my thoughts, verbatim, at this moment, because they were beyond surreal.


"Ok, it's a yes. But only if get to be first!" I'll be damned if I wasn't pouting.


"I'll seriously consider your proposition while you're feeding me peeled grapes."


"Really?" I said, breath catching in my throat.


"No."


"Damn you!"


"Fifteen minutes. Shower ready. Oh, wear your hair down."


"I thought you said you could be here in ten?"


He laughed. Really laughed. It was a head-thrown-back kind of laugh and it absolutely made my tummy tickle. Whoo. "Settle down there, baby, I'll be there."


"Hurry up already!"


"And you don't think you need that you need that lesson in patience? Ha!" He hung up the phone.


I sagged back into my couch unable to believe the complete turn-around.


'That bastard!' I thought, 'No way! No HOW!'


I sat straight up and said out loud, "He's a monster!" as I reached up, pulled my pony-tail-holder out and shook my hair down. "I mean! Who does he think he IS!" Shake, shake.


I stood and marched into the bathroom, I was fuming! "A monster! A beast! I'm not going to answer the door!" I hollered at no-one as I sat on the side of the tub and turned the water on. "He won't do! Won't do a'tall!" the water warmed and I switched on the shower.


"Filly indeed!" I stormed, "Like I'm some kind of stupid-animal, just here for a ride!"


I heard the doorbell ring. I leapt up, raced out of the bathroom, to the foyer and flung the door open.


There he was, leaned up against the doorway, a devilish gleam in his eye.


"Hey, baby" he said, dropping a wink that made my knees buckle, "I brought you something."


In one hand he held a garment bag, in the other, a ball of yarn. I laughed and stood to the side, ushering him in.


"Hi, Mick."


'Just here for the ride, huh?' I thought as he purposely brushed past me, 'What a wild ride THIS is turning out to be.'


As I turned to close the door, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Knit two."


I giggled and locked the door.


What a wild ride, indeed.

Holy shit, this thing is awesome, you should definitely try it out!

http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1110921441nxb

Well, I just found out that my Aunt has breast cancer in her bone marrow and stomach. they are "hopefully optimistic", what bullshit is that? They are "treating" her and will find out if she WILL BE ABLE to recover IN 4 FUCKIN MONTHS!! How the hell am I going to be able to wait that fucking long? And what about my Uncle? What hell must he be going through? Goddamnit! sometimes life just winds up and shoves a rusty spiked bowling ball through your testes....FUCK! 

the fanatic <----My RPG I'm workin on, hopefully be up soon.

http://amalaswintasart.no-ip.com/

A good friend'swebsite, I've ordered art from her, her name is [Amalaswinta] on www.Elfpack.com

I bought the Expanded Psionics Handbook for D&D 3rd Edition today, AWESOME!! so far

The Non-weapon birthday wish list
-----------------------------------
All D&D books

Complete Adventurer : A Hero Series Supplement (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Monster Manual II (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Monster Manual III (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Libris Mortis : The Book of the Undead (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Psionics Handbook (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Savage Species: Playing Monstrous Characters (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Savage Species: Playing Monstrous Characters (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Races of Stone (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Epic Level Handbook (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Races of Destiny (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Oriental Adventures (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Deities and Demigods (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Expanded Psionics Handbook (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Fiend Folio (Dungeons & Dragons Accessory)

Unearthed Arcana (Dungeons & Dragons)

Book of Exalted Deeds (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Book of Vile Darkness (Dungeons & Dragons Supplement)

Planar Handbook (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Weapons of Legacy : A Magic Series Supplement (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Player's Guide to Faerun (Dungeons & Dragons: Forgotten Realms Campaign Accessory)

Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (Dungeons & Dragons)

Races of Eberron : A Race Series Supplement (Dungeon & Dragons Roleplaying Game: Rules Supplements)

Champions of Ruin (Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (D&D): Core Rules)

Races of the Wild

Encyclopaedia Arcane: Components and Foci

Thieves' Quarter: A City Quarters Sourcebook

Complete Book of Eldritch Might

What I want for my birthday on March 13
------------------------------------------
* Singapore Technologies Kinetics SAR-21 assault rifle (Singapore) ( http://world.guns.ru/assault/as31-e.htm )

* MAG-7 (South Africa)
( http://world.guns.ru/shotgun/sh20-e.htm )

* Heckler-Koch / Olin CAWS (Germany)
( http://world.guns.ru/shotgun/sh18-e.htm )

* Fabrique Nationale Herstal F2000 (Belgium)
( http://world.guns.ru/assault/as41-e.htm )

* SIG-Sauer P250 DCc pistol (Germany) (Silenced)
( http://world.guns.ru/handguns/hg119-e.htm )

* XM8 Future Combat Rifle
( http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/ground/m8-oicw.htm )

* Steyr-Manlicher SSG-P1 (P-69) (Austria)
( http://world.guns.ru/sniper/sn21-e.htm )

* Steyr Scout Tactical (Austria)
( http://world.guns.ru/sniper/sn37-e.htm )



Still Updating this list

The land of the Rokar

The Land of the Ekari

I hate liars

I'll be typing up all D&D 3.0 classes in the PHB and DMG and the extra classes in the Complete Arcane and Complete Divine including Prestige classes. This will be a work in progress as it took me two hours last night just to type up the Suel Arcanamach in the Complete Arcane.

Name your Demon
http://www.demons-lair.20m.com/demonnames.html
^--------List of Demon names------^

My new Motto to Life (Stolen from [JimSmithkka] my friend)

"Shit happens, then you die, could be bad shit, could be good shit, but shit happens"

Why is it that people dislike other's for their sexual orientation? Why? I mean, what is it about my sexual orientation that makes people dislike me? Have i done anything to them? NO! so i am bisexual, so F*CKING WHAT!?!?!?!?

Here are the lyrics to a song i love, It's by Immortal Technique, it's called "You Never Know". don't judge it until you've read it all.
======================================
[Verse 1]
She was on her way to becoming a college graduate
Wouldn't even stop to talk to the average kid
The type of latina I'd sit and contemplate marriage with
Fuck the horse and carriage shit, her love was never for hire
Disciplined, intellectual beauty's what I desire
Flyer than Salma Hayek or Jennifer Lopez
Everyone told me, kickin' it to her was hopeless
At first I just thought, she didn't mess with broke kids
The thug niggaz always talking about, how they smoke kids
But the rich-sniff-coke kids got no play
"I'm not even interested" is what her body language would say
Everyone around the way, gave up trying to get in it
It didn't matter how good your game was, she wasn't with it
On the block, bitches was jealous, but wouldn't admit it
Talk shit, and deny to everyone that they did it
'Cause they regreted the long list of niggaz that they let hit it
And no one ever gave them shit except McDonald's and did-dick
Smoking weed with thoughts of envy, whenever they lit it
She smoked intelligently and they bit it, always trying to copy
But when they tried to use her vocab, they sounded sloppy
She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure
I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn't a cure

[Hook - Jean Grae]
Don't you know that, time waits for no man
Not fate, it's all planned
I'm blessed just to know you
I've loved and I've lost just to hold you all night
Can't find, a reason why
God came, to you and I
If I had the chance again, I'd never let you go
Hold tight to your love, 'cause you never know

[Verse 2]
Her eyes are brown and beautiful, yet empty and sad
I used to talk to her occasionally, and she was glad
That I wasn't just another nigga trying to get in it
So every now and then we'd stop and talk for a minute
I didn't have a gimmick so the minutes turned to hours
On her birthday, I gave her a poem with flowers
Then I took her out to dinner after her cousin's baby shower
We talked about, power to the people and such
We spent more time together but it was never enough
I never tried to sneak a touch, or even cop a feel
I was too interested, in keeping it real
Perfectly honest and complete, she would always call me "carino,"
And never Technique, bought me a new book to read every 2 or 3 weeks
Forever changing the expression of my thoughts when I speak
It was because of her, I even deaded all of my freaks
She convinced me, to stop hangin' out on the streets
To stop robbin' and stealin', from people like you
Instead I took her out to the Apollo and the Bronxu
We sailed in Barrio (?) and the Metropolitan too
Got to the point when I was either with her or my crew
So I decided one day, to tell her my feelings was true
I couldn't live without her so I told her, facing my fears
But honey's only response, was a face full of tears
She could only sob hysterically, holding me tight
I tried to speak, but she wouldn't stop until I left sight
I felt like a moth who got himself too close to the light
Except I didn't burn, I turned cold after that night

[hook]

[Verse 3]
I went on with my life, college and my career
Ended up locked up like an animal for a year
Where the C.O.'s talk to you like they were the overseer
Then I got sent to the hole, when my exit was near
At night in my cell, I'd close my eyes and I'd see her
Hold her close in my dreams, but when I woke she disappeared
Just an empty cell until the state gave me parole in the summer
came back, in tact and on track
But the fact of the matter, is I still felt cold
Even after my mother, hugged me, cryin' at home
My real niggaz would catch me thinkin', out of my zone
Fuckin' lots of different women, but I still felt alone
Relatively well-known around the New York underground
But I kept thinking of her and how we used to be down
The sound of her voice, and the beautiful smell of her hair
Though gone physically, somehow it was still there
I had to do something, because the shit was too much to bear
So I went and visited the building where she used to live
The world looks a lot different after you do a bid
The way your life done changed
While primitive minds (are) still stuck in the same game
Like her cousin who was on the corner slangin' cocaine
Stepped in the lobby and tapped the button next to her last name
Her mom buzzed me up and hugged me up, like a mother oughta
But her facial expression changed, when I asked about her daughter

[hook]

[Verse 4]
She told me that there was a note for me, that was left behind
She had left it there waiting, for such a long time
I was inclined to ask about it but she brought it up first
I saw a tear swelling up in her eye, and then she cursed
She told me where the letter was and I started thinking the worst
Reversed my position, stepped over and opened the door
And sure enough there was an envelope with my name on the floor
"Nobody loves you more than me carino" is what the letter said

"By the time you get to read this, I'll probably be dead
But when you left in '97 a part of me went to Heaven
I thank God at least I got to know what love really was
But it hurt me, to see what true love really does
'Cause even though we never made love, you were all that there was
It was because I loved you so much that I had to make you leave
You made me doubt the way I thought, you made me want to believe
And then I slipped up, and I let you get close to me
It was hard to not be openly when people spoke to me
This was not the way I thought my life was supposed to be
Baby don't you see, I had a blood transfusion that left me with HIV
Hoped the end exists for me since late in 1993
I died a virgin, I wish I could've given myself to you
I cried in the hospital because there was no one else but you
Promise that you'll meet me in paradise inevitably
No matter what, I'll keep your love forever with me"

What happened for the rest of the day is still a blur
But I remember wishing that I was dead, instead of her
She was buried on August 3rd
The story ends without a sequel
And now you know why Technique, don't fucking fall in love with people
Hold the person that you love closely if they're next to you
The one you love, not the person that'll simply have sex with you
Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone

Discount Cow Tipping-www.ebay.com
New & used selection. aff Cow Tipping for sale.

Top 10 Features in Neverwinter Nights
by Trent Oster, BioWare producer for Neverwinter Nights.

10. Gnomes. I hate gnomes. Hate hate hate. I’m and old school D&D fan, give me a solid dwarf, an agile elf, but keep the little people far away. I played an Ogre in EQ and got my ass handed to me by a little halfling sherrif. Man. It took me days to kill all the little buggers in the hills near the dark elf city. I’m gong to spend my days dedicated to hunting the little buggers in NWN anywhere I can find them.

9. Servers with no freakin Gnomes. Hate hate hate (I guess you read that already). In NWN you get to run your own servers, so you can specify the rules on the server you operate. Trent’s house O’ doom is going to be a great place. I’ll either ban the little suckers altogether or I’ll script all the NPCs in the game to kill gnomes on site. Halflings too. Heh, this game is going to be fun.

8. Prescripted Gnome massacres. I can set up an adventure on my server with a small village of gnomes happily going about their lives. When the players enter the village a massive force of Ogres will descend on the town butchering all the gnomes in sight. If the players remain ambivalent the gnomes are butchered, looted and the ogres retreat. If the players are goody goody types and rush in to help I’ll spawn in an even more powerful horde of nasties to wipe them out. Good clean fun.

7. Offensive Dialogue for gnomes only. In NWN I’ll be able to script NPCs to be downright rude to Gnomish characters (halflings too). The system will allow me to check the race of everyone walking by and my NPCs can descend on a party of Gnomes with righteous wrath.

6. Half Orc Barbarians. This is the good stuff. I played a Half Orc Barbarian in our internal 3rd Edition D&D Beta test. He could go through Gnomes like there was no tomorrow. Did I mention he hated gnomes and halflings?

5. Vault Characters. With my server set to only allow Vault characters there is no way any hopped up Gnome character can log in. So any Gnome loving player who hex edits his footstool of a character into a tough character can’t play on my server. I’ll only butcher and maim legitimate Gnome and halfling characters.

4. 20 Strength. You can’t beat 20 strength. The Half Orc race gets a +2 to strength, so the old 18:00 is gone and replaced with a 20. +5 to hit and damage. Woohoo. Lot’s O’ hackin goodness.

3. Fighter Feats like Improved Critical. This is a sweet feat and it increases the chance of a critical hit greatly. My Half Orc Barbarian makes an attack at the Gnome’s little melon. (Think home run swing) With a successful hit on a normal longsword (oh yeah, dual wielding) it takes a 19 or 20 to do a critical. With my handy dandy Improved Critical:Longsword, my chance of a critical hit (a longsword does double damage on a critical) is doubled, going from 17 to 20. Get ready to see gnomeburgers on special.

2. Meteor Swarm. Now, I know this is a little beyond my Half-Orc as he’s about as smart at a stump, but there’s no faster way to take out a Gnome or Halfling village than a good ol’ Meteor Swarm.

1. Custom made items. Gnome Chopper and Halfling Basher. My Half Orc Barbarian’s two favorite weapons created in the NWN Toolset. Gnome Chopper is a +3 longsword, +5 vs Gnomes. It also Stuns Gnomes on a successful hit. The other weapon, Halfling Basher is a warhammer +4, +5 vs Halflings and Gnomes. It also does and extra 1d6 fire damage on impact. Another wonderful power is the silence 10’ radius is casts on bards. He he, what fun, flaming silenced bashed-in Halfling Bards.

Found this on the net

This actually happened.....

I was an AV assistant in college, and we received a work ticket from a professor stating "Cannot print to printer".

So I went to the classroom and the professor was standing up taking turns looking at the computer and the printer.

I asked her to explain the problem.

"Yeah, everytime I try to print I get this message saying 'The document ********* was not printed because the computer could not see the printer.'"

"Okay," I said. "It might be--"

She cut me off. "Yeah, so I turned the monitor towards the printer and it still wouldn't print."