[tiragon]'s diary
- BIBLE MISINTERPRETAT
The Bible says it's alright to be a bitch:
Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.
Jesus drove a Honda:
All the disciples were in one Accord.
The first mention in the Bible of Drugs
The adultress getting stoned...
of Elasticity
Jesus tying his ass to a tree and then walking 40 miles into the desert
of Soccer
Jesus going up for the cross
of Motorcycles
The roar of David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
of Sex
Jesus going to Mount Olive....then getting laid in the tomb
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it
does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a
telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try
to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have
hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were
still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but
thanks for calling. When you are not interested in
something, I don't think you can express yourself any
plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a
minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of
10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word
rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out
the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my
interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's
amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or
just one big one at the end of the year for the full
$52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a
cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to
$144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm
just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You
pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me
10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that
you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10
cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal
telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien
brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on
hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a
few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite
understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all
I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be
careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to
the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more
mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation.
Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at
the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are
interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because
you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child
and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
WARNING: THE BELOW IS HUMOR! NOT SERIOUS FOR ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS OUT THERE!!!
File: HOW TO MAKE AN ATOM BOMB
CONSTRUCTION PROJECT:
ATOMIC BOMB
The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results,
Volume 25/Number 4/1979-P.O.Box 234 Chicago Heights,Illino
Subscriptions are 1 year for $3.70
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from
printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason
usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised
if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known
that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan
libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a
more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too
difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts
cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not
have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases
claim national security as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project
this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully
clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see
how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and
hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the
courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending on how
fancyyou want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make
a TimeMachine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this
month's column will follow the same format.
2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your
local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as
large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy.
We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the
Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is
somewhat dangarous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling
the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it.
Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish
to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk
yard, but an old coffee can will do nIcely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common
varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for
example, a briefcase, alunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4
cm. Use rubber cement to hold thePlutonium dust together. Gelignite is much
better,but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to
provide you withthis item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If
you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any
modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy
at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use
a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against
the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from
vibration or mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as
found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a minimum of effort, a remote
plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small
explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section
of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Macti
they are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage
is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of
temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to
spontaneousLy detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under
the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a
great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.
3. THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium
into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction
similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the
March" March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big
thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!
4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in
six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun
and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!
5. NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metaLlic element formed
bythe decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium,
Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium.
6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
Written about Friday 2005-07-29
Written: (7034 days ago)
Well, tomorrow morning at 9:15 I go into the oral surgeon to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out. Wish me luck
got bored and figured i'd put up some of my D&D characters.
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
http://3ep.rpg
I finished the Harry Potter book last night, I can't Believe HE DIES!!!! Not potter, that's obvious, but the person who dies, It's unbelievable!!
Written about Tuesday 2005-07-12
Written: (7051 days ago)
You may ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how private, how personal, how random.
I have to answer them honestly, and I have to answer them ALL.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal, wiki, or profile and you
have to answer the questions that are asked of you.
Originally Posted by Ogre4Hire
"Alright, Drizzt is prone to making long, boring monologues about his inner feelings, he's got trouble with girls, and he wields a sword named Twinkle. I'm telling you that those three things are not unrelated..."
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
T was on the good ship Venus
Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
Cause there s fuck-all else to do.
The captain s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.
The captain s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.
The captain s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.
Chorus
The cabin boy s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.
The cook s was Mike O Malley
Didn t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
Chorus:
The stoker s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger s lugger.
Chorus
The parson s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.
The ship s dog s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship s cat s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty
Chorus
The bosun s name was Hopper
Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.
Chorus
Best comment of the week.
From We Are Jesus Freaks
[Doormat]: Hi, am a semi-satanist atheist, will 'jesus' send me to hell?
Worst comment of the week
From We Are Jesus Freaks
[Leelo]: To God every sin is equall, if you murder somoene it's just as bad a lying. And if your truely sorry, God will forgive you, it says in the bible that God is a forgiving and loving God, But he is also a Jealous God and a God of rath. We focus too much on the rath part then the loving part. I believe no matter how bad, evil you are and even if you did murder someone, I believe God will forgive you, but only if you truly want his forgivness. There is nothing anyone can do that's too bad for God to not forgive, unless when you die, and then well it's too late, cuz you chose your path, and it was to not believe then your going to hell. (btw I used you as a word I wasn't meaning you personally lol
Best person of the week
[JimSmithkka] Cause he fixed my computer, thanks Chris
Worst Person of the week
[Balthizar] Him and I got into a stupid argument.
Best Song of the week
Tied between "American Idiot" and "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" both by Greenday.
Worst Song of the Week
Don't know, haven't heard one i hated
Best Movie of the Week
Haven't seen any.
Worst Movie of the week
Again, Haven't seen any
Best TV Show of the week
Attack of The Show. www.g4tv.com/A
Worst TV Show of the Week
Everwood, it's getting really stupid
Some really funny comics.
Apparently this wasn't allowed on my house, stupid fuckin guards.
The two of you, you know who you are, no need to mention names and let other people what's going on. I want to know what's going on in your guys lives, and just because i don't understand something doesn't mean i should condemn it, i hope you'll accept me, even though I am a complete fuckup sometimes.
Folllowing are a list of some of my favorite drinks. As you can tell they all have whiskey in them, that's because whiskey is the best! Anyone who doesn't like whiskey should die(even you chris!).
Whiskey Sour
1/2 ounce Lemon Juice
1/2 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Shake and strain into a sour glass. Garnish with a slice of lemon and a cherry.
--------------
Snakebite
2 ounces Whiskey
1 ounce Lime Juice
1 ounce Club Soda
Mix together in a lowball glass over crushed ice.
--------------
Cornwallis River
3 ounces Whiskey
2 ounces Lime Soda
1 ounce Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon Brown Sugar
1/2 teaspoon Sugar
Pour whiskey, lemon juice, and lime soda into a sour glass. Add the white sugar and stir. Add the brown sugar and allow to settle on the bottom of the glass to appear as the bottom of the "river." For a different look stir the brown sugar into the drink for a murky waters look. Serve without ice.
--------------
Sex On My Face
1/2 ounce Whiskey
1/2 ounce Coconut Rum
1/2 ounce Southern Comfort
1/2 ounce Banana Liqueur
1 splash Cranberry Juice
1 splash Pineapple Juice
1 splash Orange Juice
Pour all ingredients into a Hurricane Glass filled with ice. Stir.
--------------
Whiskey Cobbler
1 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
2 ounces Club Soda
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Pour sugar and Club Soda into a red wine glass and wait until the sugar dissolves. Fill with shaved ice and add blended Scotch whisky. Stir and garnish with seasonal fruit.
--------------
Ward Eight
1 tablespoon Lemon
1 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
1 teaspoon Grenadine
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Shake and strain into a red wine glass filled with cracked ice. Add slices of orange and lemon and a cherry.
Written about Saturday 2005-03-26
Written: (7159 days ago)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzma
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
Written about Saturday 2005-03-26
Written: (7159 days ago)
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
The New York Times Monday September 2, 1907.
Spanks Son - Blown Up.
Mother's Blow Sets Off Cap in Boy's Pocket and Both Are Hurt.
CHEBOYGAN, Mich. Sept ? Mrs. Fred Williams, living at Bear Point, on Crooked
Lake, near this city was severely injured, and her seven year-old son was
probably fatally hurt when a dynamite cap in the boys pocket exploded while the
mother was spanking him.
The little boy had been out in the field where his father was using dynamite to
blow up stumps and had slipped one of the percussion caps which Mr. Williams
was using in his pocket. He returned to the house, where his mother called him
to be punished for some childish misdemeanor.
Mrs. Williams used a shingle as the instrument of punishment. The first blow
exploded the cap in the boys pocket, and the explosion tore a large hole in his
hip from which he is believed to be dying. The mother lost two fingers and
received a number of minor cuts about the face and body.
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby
pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by
the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back
to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
Subject: Re: 50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator (fwd)
From: Toni Ralston <mgt@cruzio.com>
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-
down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them
to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now,
damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in
muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"