COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh
my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to
let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around
the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
working.

32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an
entire pape this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on
your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, ab your stuff and
leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back
and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the
computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type
again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
"You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your
neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

49.  Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that
computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

TOP 25 REASON WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN


1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in your car while you play baseball
5. when beer goes flat, you can toss it out
6. beer is never late
7. A beer doesn't get jealous if you have another beer
8. Hangovers go away
9. Beer lables come off without a fight
10. When you go to a bar, You know you can pick up a beer
11. Beer never has a head ache
12. After you had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, You'll always get good head
15. A beer always go down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come home
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony


WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

 1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
 3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
 5. You can always warm coffee up.
 6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
 7. Coffee is cheaper.
 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
 9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
   back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of
   your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

- BIBLE MISINTERPRETATIONS -

The Bible says it's alright to be a bitch:
   Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.

Jesus drove a Honda:
   All the disciples were in one Accord.

The first mention in the Bible of Drugs
 The adultress getting stoned...

of Elasticity
 Jesus tying his ass to a tree and then walking 40 miles into the desert

of Soccer
 Jesus going up for the cross

of Motorcycles
 The roar of David's Triumph was heard through out the land.

of Sex
 Jesus going to Mount Olive....then getting laid in the tomb

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it
does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a
telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try
to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have
hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were
still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but
thanks for calling. When you are not interested in
something, I don't think you can express yourself any
plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a
minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.


Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of
10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word
rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out
the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my
interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's
amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or
just one big one at the end of the year for the full
$52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a
cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to
$144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm
just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You
pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me
10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that
you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10
cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal
telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien
brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on
hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a
few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite
understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all
I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be
careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to
the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more
mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation.
Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at
the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are
interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because
you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child
and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

WARNING: THE BELOW IS HUMOR! NOT SERIOUS FOR ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS OUT THERE!!!

File: HOW TO MAKE AN ATOM BOMB

CONSTRUCTION PROJECT:
   ATOMIC BOMB

 The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results,
 Volume 25/Number 4/1979-P.O.Box 234 Chicago Heights,Illinois 60411.
Subscriptions are 1 year for $3.70

1. INTRODUCTION

   Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from
printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason
usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised
if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known
that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan
libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a
more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too
difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts
cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not
have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases
claim national security as a blanket restriction.

   The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project
this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully
clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see
how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and
hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the
courts.

   The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending on how
fancyyou want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make
a TimeMachine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this
month's column will follow the same format.

2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD

1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your
local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as
large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. 
We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the
Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.

2.  Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is
somewhat dangarous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling
the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it.
Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish
to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk
yard, but an old coffee can will do nIcely.

3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common
varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for
example, a briefcase, alunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.

4.  Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4
cm. Use rubber cement to hold thePlutonium dust together. Gelignite is much
better,but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to
provide you withthis item.

6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If
you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any
modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy
at this point.

7.  Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use
a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against
the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from
vibration or mishandling.

8.  To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as
found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a minimum of effort, a remote
plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small
explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section
of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because
they are no deposit-no return.

9.  Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage
is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of
temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to
spontaneousLy detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under
the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.

10.  Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a
great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.

3. THEORY OF OPERATION

   The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium
into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction
similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the
March" March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big
thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!

4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN

   In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in
six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun
and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!

5. NOTES

1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metaLlic element formed
bythe decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium,
Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium.

6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS

1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979

Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

Well, tomorrow morning at 9:15 I go into the oral surgeon to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out. Wish me luck

got bored and figured i'd put up some of my D&D characters.

http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=29361
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=20019
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=22986
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=19965
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=24216
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=20967
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=21364
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=29556
http://3ep.rpgprofiler.net/3ep/view.php?id=29669

I finished the Harry Potter book last night, I can't Believe HE DIES!!!! Not potter, that's obvious, but the person who dies, It's unbelievable!!

You may ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how private, how personal, how random.
I have to answer them honestly, and I have to answer them ALL.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal, wiki, or profile and you
have to answer the questions that are asked of you.

Originally Posted by Ogre4Hire
"Alright, Drizzt is prone to making long, boring monologues about his inner feelings, he's got trouble with girls, and he wields a sword named Twinkle. I'm telling you that those three things are not unrelated..."

THE GOOD SHIP VENUS

T was on the good ship Venus
Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
Cause there s fuck-all else to do.

The captain s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.

The captain s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.

The captain s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

Chorus
The cabin boy s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The cook s was Mike O Malley
Didn t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
Chorus:

The stoker s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger s lugger.
Chorus

The parson s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.

The ship s dog s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship s cat s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty
Chorus

The bosun s name was Hopper
Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.
Chorus

Best comment of the week.
From We Are Jesus Freaks
[Doormat]: Hi, am a semi-satanist atheist, will 'jesus' send me to hell?

Worst comment of the week
From We Are Jesus Freaks
[Leelo]: To God every sin is equall, if you murder somoene it's just as bad a lying. And if your truely sorry, God will forgive you, it says in the bible that God is a forgiving and loving God, But he is also a Jealous God and a God of rath. We focus too much on the rath part then the loving part. I believe no matter how bad, evil you are and even if you did murder someone, I believe God will forgive you, but only if you truly want his forgivness. There is nothing anyone can do that's too bad for God to not forgive, unless when you die, and then well it's too late, cuz you chose your path, and it was to not believe then your going to hell. (btw I used you as a word I wasn't meaning you personally lol

Best person of the week
[JimSmithkka] Cause he fixed my computer, thanks Chris

Worst Person of the week
[Balthizar] Him and I got into a stupid argument.

Best Song of the week
Tied between "American Idiot" and "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" both by Greenday.


Worst Song of the Week
Don't know, haven't heard one i hated

Best Movie of the Week
Haven't seen any.

Worst Movie of the week
Again, Haven't seen any

Best TV Show of the week
Attack of The Show. www.g4tv.com/AOTS

Worst TV Show of the Week
Everwood, it's getting really stupid

Some really funny comics.

Apparently this wasn't allowed on my house, stupid fuckin guards.

The two of you, you know who you are, no need to mention names and let other people what's going on. I want to know what's going on in your guys lives, and just because i don't understand something doesn't mean i should condemn it, i hope you'll accept me, even though I am a complete fuckup sometimes.

Folllowing are a list of some of my favorite drinks. As you can tell they all have whiskey in them, that's because whiskey is the best! Anyone who doesn't like whiskey should die(even you chris!).

Whiskey Sour 

1/2 ounce Lemon Juice
1/2 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Shake and strain into a sour glass. Garnish with a slice of lemon and a cherry.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Snakebite 

2 ounces Whiskey
1 ounce Lime Juice
1 ounce Club Soda
Mix together in a lowball glass over crushed ice.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Cornwallis River 

3 ounces Whiskey
2 ounces Lime Soda
1 ounce Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon Brown Sugar
1/2 teaspoon Sugar
Pour whiskey, lemon juice, and lime soda into a sour glass. Add the white sugar and stir. Add the brown sugar and allow to settle on the bottom of the glass to appear as the bottom of the "river." For a different look stir the brown sugar into the drink for a murky waters look. Serve without ice.
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Sex On My Face 

1/2 ounce Whiskey
1/2 ounce Coconut Rum
1/2 ounce Southern Comfort
1/2 ounce Banana Liqueur
1 splash Cranberry Juice
1 splash Pineapple Juice
1 splash Orange Juice
Pour all ingredients into a Hurricane Glass filled with ice. Stir.
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Whiskey Cobbler 

1 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
2 ounces Club Soda
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Pour sugar and Club Soda into a red wine glass and wait until the sugar dissolves. Fill with shaved ice and add blended Scotch whisky. Stir and garnish with seasonal fruit.
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Ward Eight 

1 tablespoon Lemon
1 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
1 teaspoon Grenadine
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Shake and strain into a red wine glass filled with cracked ice. Add slices of orange and lemon and a cherry.

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
        -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

The New York Times Monday September 2, 1907.

Spanks Son - Blown Up.

Mother's Blow Sets Off Cap in Boy's Pocket and Both Are Hurt.

CHEBOYGAN, Mich. Sept ? Mrs. Fred Williams, living at Bear Point, on Crooked
Lake, near this city was severely injured, and her seven year-old son was
probably fatally hurt when a dynamite cap in the boys pocket exploded while the
mother was spanking him.

The little boy had been out in the field where his father was using dynamite to
blow up stumps and had slipped one of the percussion caps which Mr. Williams
was using in his pocket. He returned to the house, where his mother called him
to be punished for some childish misdemeanor.

Mrs. Williams used a shingle as the instrument of punishment. The first blow
exploded the cap in the boys pocket, and the explosion tore a large hole in his
hip from which he is believed to be dying. The mother lost two fingers and
received a number of minor cuts about the face and body.