right. life still sux. pretty much.
why are boys so stupid?

what would you do, if you boyfriend called you a slapper? and what would you do, if on the next day you asked him, and he said he wasn't even sorry, and wouldn't take it back?

situation was this:
we went out to one of his mates, to play some poker with them. it was pretty fun. since i am getting along quite well with his mates (unless him.. he doesnt like any of my friends.. least he behaves like he doesnt). particularly me and richard get on quite well, so we made a couple of jokes and talked a bit. with kev (my bf) still sitting in the middle.
we joked, that we could swap seats, so we dont have to talk past kev all the time, but he said no, in quite a stern way. when we asked why, he said he doesnt trust neither me nor richard. again why, and he said because i was a slapper (slang for slut, lose woman).

life sux.

life sux!

wohoo.. another one of these horror-crazy dreams. really.. the one today was worse than any of the others yet.. it started off i think, with me having a birthday, and just wanting to keep sleeping, and my mum kept waking me, and i should open my presents, which were all old things, except for a poster (cant remember what was on it), and she put it on the wall and for some stupid reason she punched 2 holes in it. which totally upset me. then i was late for school. and for some other weird reason it was christmas, too. my first lesson was a german lesson with my teacher from 5th and 6th (and then later again) grade, that i had a total crush on. but helping him was some really bitchy teacher, and cos i never ever listened, she just called me out again and again and again, so i got really really pissed off and shouted at her, and in the end i turned her, with the chair upside down (dont ask me how that works..) and drew a smily on her fat as*. well i started, and she got up again, and said, she'd send me to the headmaster and stuff like that. the rest of the class was just laughing, and sorta being on my side. that teacher i had the crush on just stood there all the time, with his arms crossed and a small smile on his face.
because i was late in the first place, i got a lift, so i didnt have my bike to go home in my free hour after that, so i kinda went to the library/computer room (we didnt have sth like that- not openly accesible anyway, but the university does.. so..). i talked to some ppl and they all agreed that she is a total bitch and deserves to be burned or sth. then.. i dont know what happend to my next lesson, but there was this weird christmas party. dont remember much about that, and then me and a couple of other ppl where in a room, where we're not supposed to be, and my crush-teacher was coming closer, so we all kind of hid somewhere.. there was some sort of curtain over the wall with a secret passage behind it.. (weird, i know) anyway. we all kinda hid in there, and i dont know what he did, and then i was outside, watching a camera from inside the room, cos somehow 2 of us were journalist-like, and they stayed and had a mike and a camera, and then there was a big bang, and some light exploded and the teacher was dead, and the other 2 thougth they were going to die, too, and just stayed, doing they're journalist-duty, but they didnt die. and i ran back inside. and i knew he was dead, but he wasnt there. and i just started crying a LOT and everyone just walked past me, and no-one asked why or noticed that he was dead. seemed like it was just me. and i quickly talked to a girl that i only knew for like 3 years, then she changed schools, and we just agreed that i was kind of cool, that he always told both of us off for drawing in his lessons at the same time. so she must have noticed. or she thought i was just weird. for some reason, the room was outside at the same time. and then my friend's mum came by with my dog on the lead, and usually i kneel down, and she lets my dog go and my dog comes to me. my dog tried to come to me, but she didnt let go, so it all just was more of a mess, and it started snowing, and i wanted to take a picture of something, but as soon as i had my camera it stopped and didnt look any pretty anymore.
and when i woke up i was still crying.

now, that was a weird dream. i am convinced i've got a couple of real psychological problems. not that they're severe or anything, but i'm pretty sure, they're there..
does anyone actually read this??

father complex or not.. i was dreaming about giles this morning.. and it felt awesome. i mean. he's an old guy and such, but he's just so appealing, and, and,.. all this stiff-upper-lippy-britishness.. its so sexy, and, and, i've been reading this buffy-stuff all day, and giles' character is just so romantic and, and, polite and stuff.. and i just wish i'd be with someone like that for real.. why did people invent these perfect book/film/tv relationships, where everyone is happy in the end.. true romance and that.. does it really exist in real life, or is it extinct like dinosaurs.. but then again, there are a few creatures around from dino-time.. and then again, again... my life certainly is not filled with romance.. it hurts.. :'(

i was climbing yesterday!!! :D
but now i'm all sore. and uni starts again today. gotta go to my first lecture in about 15 minutes. and its allc old outside.. :( dont wanna go. and i'm going home in 2 months.. thats cool.. but its scary, cos that means, that in waaaaaay less than 2 months i've got exams, and i didnt even start any revision yet. and they actually did teach stuff that i didnt know before this time, unlike last term, where i had done all the stuff in school like a million times before.. aaah.. someone help me!

ooh. hello. :o)

i'm hungry. in about one hour i will get spaghetti with bolognese sauce.. ooh.. healthy healthy.. lol..

i decided, not to let it get to me.. the whole climbing thing. i mean, there is a small (actually tiny) climbing wall at the aberdeen beach, which - so i'm told - is so small, it is more like bouldering, than climbing, so you don't need ropes and such, so that means i can go by myself. and since i've gained quite a bit of weight since christmas, i decided, once university starts again (next monday), i'll go climbing once a week, and then, depending on my time and such, either to the gym or swimming once a week as well.

i'm going home in 2 months. on the 19.6. and i'll stay till the 19.7. i've "got to" keep up with my friends at home.. with the climbing.. depending on how it goes at the wall, i might actually ask one of the ppl from the lairig club to show me lead-climbing. you know.. when you go first in a real wall, and put all the "dangly-bits" into the rock, so ppl can follow you without falling down ;o)

there also seems to be a hell of a lot good books about climbing on amazon. i might buy some..

i still want a job. because i want money. but i dont wanna work. paradox. a friend of mine who works in a nightclub said they are looking for glass-collectors.. wow.. i'd looove to do that. being up reaaally late, get drinks all over you, stink like smoke, walk home in the middle of the night.. *duh* no way i really wanna do that.
there is supposed to be an animal shelter in aberdeen. so far i couldnt find anything, but if i _do_ find it, i was gonna see if i could get a job there. i've worked in one before, it was mostly cleaning but it was still fun. and it would suit my studies.. in a way.

shame this town doesnt have a zoo. and the closest one is a 2h+ drive away in edinburgh. no good for a weekend job or else.

although.. maybe next sommer i'll go to africa for 6 weeks, help out in an animal resort thing. "only" gotta pay flights. the ppl who organise that kinda stuff give you food and shelter, and in return you help out with the animals. that would be great. warm!!! weather and lots of cool animals. only prob. is, its still more than 1000pounds.. but i've got 1 year to save for it, so i should manage..
ok.. enough for now.. gotta tidy up my harddrive.. its floooded ;)

i'm pissed off..
why do all my stupid friends back in germany all still have fun so much, when i dont..
even though there are so much more possibilities here in scotland to go outside climbing, i dont know with whom or how or anything.
and my friends home,.. they are in that stupid alpine club, and go climbing everyweek, or make 4-day trips somewhere. one of them just got a birthday present from the club, going somewhere to teach her some sort of climbing..
and this just sucks. and they all keep telling me.. "ah, ive got this new, and ive got this new, and bla bla, and we went there, and we went here"..

THIS
JUST
SUCKS!!!

i wanna be home again. :( but dont wanna live with my mum. she was here for one week, and it sucked. not cos we dont get on well, just because she was around 24/7. thats just too much. and im getting fat. thats no fun either.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
i just wanna scream!

aaww..
I'm bored. and tired. guess that is because i sleep waaay too much. i've got easter break, so everyday i'm sleeping til about 12noon. ooh.. baad that is.

tomorrow (or actually, today that is) i should really tidy and clean up my flat.. my mum's coming to visit on monday.. and she's this cleaning freak.. :D
she's gonna stay for about a week. wonder what we'll do in that time.

oooh... kev has gotten himself a job-offer today :) yay! they still gotta tell him the details, so if they pay enough he'll have a job and stop being depressed :)
its gonna be a tough one though. starts at 8 and continues till 5.. pretty long day.. its gonna be weird too. actually the ppl from the firm say, they dont really know what the job is about.. but kev said, they wanna do stuff like, designing tents for helicopters, and mashines to remove chewing gum.. so i guess they are somewhat a desing-inventing company..

ooh.. my stomach makes weird noises..

good night

i still dont like essays. *hmpf*
i'm more than halfway now - i did get my extension - but i'm running out of ideas. i _do_ have someone else's essay, that is exactly what mine is about, but i dont like copying.. well i do, but its not good.
and i dont know, but im pretty sure, that i've got a severe concentration problem. my head just doesnt seem to work very well. instead of working, i start staring outside the window, or doodle senseless stuff on a piece of paper.

and actually.. for once THE SUN IS SHINING IN SCOTLAND!!!
so i wanna go outside, instead of being inside and trying to write my essay... hmpf.. uni sucks

bah bah bah..
i hate writing essays,,. especially if theres so much other fun stuff to do instead.. bah bah.. only halfway, and friday is due date.
i would get an extension till monday sort of. but teacher says i should give him a medical certificate. but i wasnt even ill. duh. so i dont have one.. dont know if ill still get extension, so gotta work hard to finish it for friday. but its so boooooooring and annoying, and i seem to be kind of off-topic with what im writing.. bad bad bad..
and i'm all homesick. p-chan is going home to spain over easter. i wanna go to germany :(
my mums coming to scotland, but that wont change the temperature here, neither will it bring my doggie or my room or my friends, or my park, or my super-cool town, or my river, or my already green trees, or my flowers, or my pond, or my rivers, or my atmosphere, or my wood, or my old school, or my climbing halls, or my shops, or my cathedrale, or my air, or my trainstation, or my taxis, or my tram, or my noisy motorway, or my mums cool car, or my real nice coffee, or my real food, or my real comfy bed, or my tv with more than just 4 channels, or my radio, or my monster, or my goldfish, or my bike, or just everything. baah.

I WANNA GO HOME!!!!

i've got a headache. one of those nasty ones, right above the eye, and it won't go away.
i finally finally have the first 2 parts of angels in america. great great film!!! everyone should watch it!
emma thompson is just brilliant in it! oooh.. *swoon* that voice..
ah.. [Veltzeh] got me drawing again. thanks, dude.
got to know [Eben] a bit better.. nice guy. really nice.

got uni tomorrow. should finish some hand-ins for biology, but dont know the answers, so can't be bothered.

i'm thinking about watching the oscars, but they are sooo late. the real thing just starts at 12.50. thats so bad. middle of the night.

have a new favourite band: keane. buy they somewhat sound like travis. you should still check them out

hmm.. first entry since.. almost a year.. woh..

am in scotland now..

it's been snowing for the last week or so, and it just doesnt stop. its kinda cool though.. sooo much snow. :D

today's been a cool day. didnt do any artistic stuff, but did some tidying of my room.. means mum isnt so pissed anymore.. yay
have been climbing with my friends.. d'oh! i love it :) but my fingers huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt n my arms are sore too..
ouch ouch ouch

n my boyfriend doesnt understand why i talk to boys on yahoo messenger. says he's gonna kill the boy.. just cos the boy offered me a massage if we'd ever meet, cos of my sore fingers.. boys are strange.. dont understand em.

duh!
it's gettin dark but the sky still has some light, so its kinda colored cool. but its depressing too. i need some hugs. my bf is just too far away (bah cologne, germany - aberdeen, scotland)
just fckin stpid life..

no more super weather.. lotsa stupid rain.
my back hurts, n my shoulders, too. think i need a new chair for my computer thing sitting all day.
i'm sooooooo tired.. but well..
waiting till all my rainer maria rilke downloads are finished.
try getting the rilke projekts 1 + 2.. they are SO damn great. i luv his poems.. :)

I NEED SUM LUV!

i got sum luv from [than] but still not enough...

my scanner is crap! trying to draw horses now.. did one, and its cool, but the scanner is soooo crap.. now i gotta make all the lines and shading darker.. :P stupid scanner.
here in germany is suuuuuuuper weather. really warm and all that..