Life sucks...I hate it.

I have a few things to say I guess...
First off, I'll state the obvious, I HATE repeat HATE people. They are seething cauldrons of hate and malcontent. I got that one from Freud, who was an incredible genious specialized in human cognition. So anyways, back to my point, you really really can't trust anyone. Once you think you know someone they can turn around and be a completely different person. I hate being here, people are disgusting creatures who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. They don't give a second thought to another person, they feed off the misery of others. They enjoy making themselves feel higher than other people.

What is love? It's not an emotion, and if it was then what would it feel like? Good fizzy feelings and anger and fear and jelousy? Joy and happiness? Good fizzy feelings don't make you clean up your child's stomach acid that got chucked on the floor. Does it? I think that love is an action. It's devotion and a behavior. Of course good feeling is a part of it, but you have to be willing to do actions for them. Will you take care of your boyfriend/girlfriend when he/she is sick? Will you cheat on them with another person? Now that's not love, it's just lust. Lust is completely different. I don't know what love is really...it's weird when you think about it...

Ok, more stuff happened... I really really realized just how much Zane likes me. Like, there was some personal (feelings and things) stuff he told me. It just so happened that I have been very stressed out so I was on the edge of breaking down and crying and on top of it all he says things to me that just make things so good... and I broke down and cried after I tried so much not to. I really didn't want to and told him so, and he told me that he wanted to support me and be there for me which made me cry more. But it was awesome, I feel so good now about us like, there are absolutely NO doubts at all. We'll be together for a while, it's already going on 2 months HURRAH!
And so then I returned to the dorms and drank hot coco in my incredibly awesome purple robe with my roomate Kate, who was also in a robe...but it was more Grandmaily than mine. Heehee, Happy!

Today was wierd...I felt wierd. I woke up and felt fine and then ate breakfast..a little too much...and then...my body freaked out. I went back to my dorm room and I got all shaky and my head was hot and everything, it was fucked up. And then I draw a stupid ass pic for my drawing final and then I was going to drive Mark home cuz it's cold outside and he lives kinda far away from the school. So anyways, I go and see Adam cuz he waited for me cuz Mark went away. And Katie wanted to do stuff with people so then we went and picked up Mark and this chick who kinda looked like a *Ahem* guy, and uhh yeah. Well then we watched some Thumb movies and fucken bitch ass Natalie came over and got all scared of the kidies wearing black on the couch. That was HALARIOUS! I loved it.

My ... Stuff:
It's wierd becuase I overall dispise people, especially girls, but I'm somewhat of a feminist and I enjoy being with ... certain individuals. So I'm not secluded...
If you're like me I'll like you, just like Katie, we're almost the same person. Or if you have or have had problems. I seem to be attracted to people who are or have been depressed and wear black and stuff. I have no idea why, it's very confusing. I hate being empathic. Depressed people make me depressed... yeah. I dunno. I'm wierd.


--That was my ramble for the day. Thanks

Wow, I'm talking a lot today...for some reason. I just wanna write I guess...hmm

I am keeping this FOREVER


It will kill me if I continue. Youve been a cool friend, but I change myself when Im around you. I cannot live that lie. I like playing around with your brother and I like spending time with you. I dont think you understand my full intentions. Manda. I still want you. Pretty bad. Ive realized that can never happen as I would rip my soul apart trying to keep ahold of you and my sanity at the same time. This must not happen. I am freaking out and you are at the source of it all. GODDAMN IT MANDA! WHY CANT I SAY GOODBYE TO YOU?!?

He WAS my friend... oh well

I took my test today... I hope I didn't fail, but it's hard to say. I may have failed the whole class. And since I'm an extremely poor person, I really can't afford to lose my entire grant that just happens to pay for my entire education. So I'll be screwed in other words. And then I'll magically have to come up with money and a good job and start making incredibly awesome art. Yeah, I'm just gonna pull all that out of my ass. Life fucking sucks...

So anyways, things are good. Uhhmmm, I only have 2 more finals to do and I'm dont with school until Jan 18th, and I have to start work on the 2nd or something. I don't know, I don't even know what my schedule is yet. Oh well. I'm so freaken tired right now. *Bleah*
Yesterday I met a boy named Mark or [SiC_BoY]. He's very nice, and ummm I saw MOST of Shawn of the Dead. I need to see the whole thing, it looks halarious. And ummm yeah.
I hate sitting here at work! I need to study Psych. I'm still freaken over whether or not I'm going to pass. If I don't then I'm screwed... Damn

I hate girls they're fucking gay!
Here's what I think, everyone is all egocentric and humanistic. All people ever care about is themselves, me me me mine mine mine. That's it! I don't care if you think otherwise, because it's true! I dispise people, they make me sick, especially girls. They're all competitive for what they want. They get what they want or they're pissed and try harder. They don't give a shit about what other people think, and I hate them ALL!!! I hate being here, I don't belong here, I hate dealing with people they piss me off. I want to live far far away where there is no one but myself and maybe a significant other. Someone who I see no flaws in and I can trust and who will be loyal to me. As in I don't have to worry about him cheating on me or doing something really stupid (Like Zane). So... Yeah I can't stand being here basically. I don't like the people and i hate the government, politics are all decieving evil people.
Now, I'm really a nice person, and I can handle people, I'm not rude and retarded. I just don't like them very much...

Anyways, back to my normal life, I haven't been TOO busy, I'm going to a friend's party on Saturday, it's all adult like to celebrate the Winter Solstice. That'll be fun. I'm still stressen out over school, hoping that I can make it next semester cuz I'm poor and can't pay for school so I have to pass everything so I can get my damn money. Ummm I'm trying to tame my Anoles, which is a pain in the ass, they don't really like me very much sometimes...hmm. Umm, I've been chillen with Katie [*~*Pink Charmed Barbie*~*], she's been sick but has been getting better *YAY* and we're all good. She's a good kid, my only friend basically...
And then I've been spending a lot of time with Zane [perpetual black second] I stayed the night over the weekend, that was fun. Watched some movies and so such. And umm I think I learned how much I hate girls in that period of time. Yes I'm sorry to say I'm a bit of a jelous girl, but I've also learned that I shouldn't be jelous and pissed off because some stupid little highschoolers asked my boyfriend to prom, but honored that he chose me over someone else to be his girlfriend. I do trust that he will not cheat on me, I'm just self concious about these things because of past experiences. It's sad. But I'll get better and life will be great!

So that's what's up with me, I may type more later...

Tank Girl is my fucken role model, I love this bitch. My goal in the future is to own all of her comic books, cuz she's just so fucken awesome. Hey, if anyone even reads this, if you find anything on Tank Girl merchandise, please do tell me, I want Tank Girl clothing. Thanks

Donnie Darko is freaken awesome, and I love this movie.

OMG I'm so fucken tired! Oh yeah, today I saw [pillow thief] driving with some hooker, and he looks the same as usual. Gave me the wierdest look... hm gee I wonder why? Heh Heh. So anyways, Here's all my incredibly awesome moving things! I love them all and I'm putting them in here just because...


I like Cupcakes, they're good and GIR is adorable.


Pippin or Billy Boyd...being himself


This reminds me of 'The Jerk' some nasty Bully Dike had 'Slippery when wet' tatooed on her thigh.


It's Merridoc Brandybuck! Hurrah for Hobbits!


He sticks out his tounge a lot


It's Captain Jack Sparrow! I adore his character, he's kick ass.


This is just fucken retarded...


Elijah Wood singing, what a surprise

Well I hope you enjoyed my little moving things, I sure as hell did. ;)

I don't like working, it's gay, and that's what I'm doing right now. Grrr, oh well. I hope I get hired at the Cinema, last night I went in to fill out an application and I stood outside for about 10 min, and no one came. It was gay, there was one girl and she was cleaning the popcorn machine. Stupid bitch didn't even come and see what the hell I wanted. She saw me to, that's the worst part about it. So then I went and chilled at ma mere's house until the next movie was playing and finally got to fill out the app. Damn thing, too much of a hassle just to get a god damned job. >:(  ~Grrrr

Iszy isn't talking to me yet, I sent him a very lovely message, I have no clue what's going on in that boy's head. And ummm nothing else is happening really.

I don't know when the funeral is yet, I actually think that he's being buried in Las Vegas where they left and there will only be a cerimony up here. Err whatever it's called.

Otherwise life't still good and uhh yeah

Life is... ok. Aaron's father died, that was very sad. And school is hard, I'm afraid of failing english or psycology, I beleive I've got Ds in both of those subjects. I need a job very badly and I've got to move back in with my mom this month. I hate moving, It's a pain in the ass!

Otherwise life is good, Katie and I are awesome, no fighting or anything. And Zane is wonderful, I'm not getting bored! He's so gorgeous, I care for him a lot. And ummm Yeah that's about it.

I'm way excited to go to New York, It's gonna be kick ass! YAY

Journal~

Lately not too much has been happening, I've broken up with Brian (He was too old) and I'm currently with my beautiful boyfriend Zane. Just this last weekend I got too Anomes or whatever, little lizards. My roomate and I named them Scotty and Ash from Evil Dead, she's got this big thing with homosexuals and believes that Scotty and Ash are lovers in the movie. :)

I'm going through the usual stress of school and money, all that great stuff. I saw The Seed of Chucky and that made me VERY happy, that movie kicks ass. I'm in love with Chucky, he's so awesome!

I've been trying to get a hold of my good friend Iszy, he hasn't made any contact with me for a while. Starting to worry me that one is.

Diary~

Thank god I'm leaving subway it really sucks there right now. This all happened on the 13th and was terrible, I cryed because of those damned onions for god knows how long and didn't get out till about 10:20 pm. It sucked major ass.

College will be starting up sometime soon, I've already got my job and all that great stuff so I'm excited, just need to get books and move in and *sigh* all that stuff.

Social life is ok, I need some new friends, I've had the same old friends for a couple years now. Life gets boring when you don't meet new people.

Diary~

I don't know what the Hell is Aaron's problem, he's so fucking paranoid about everything, before I even thought of breaking up with him he's acusing me of Not trying and all this other bullshit that I don't feel like dealing with right now.

I Hung out with Bruce yesterday and that was really fun and refreshing. I haven't spent time with him since before he and his ex- girlfriend got together about 7 months ago. So we talked and he fumed and ranted on about Chelsea and I talked about Aaron and all that. Then later on we ended up cuddling and kissing and it was great fun.

See, I feel nothing when I kiss Aaron, he's just my friend and he's going to be really pissy when I tell him that but it's true, and then the other night when I kissed Bruce I was enthusiastic about it, I Wanted to, I was into it. I wasn't like that before with him but now I guess I am...

Sorry this is really just all my thoughts going down here...

I can't tell Katie what I did last night because she'd accuse me of cheating on Aaron when in my mind we've been over we just haven't talked and made it official or whatever. But right now I just don't care, I'm a confused girl.

Manda**:D

Diary~

Life has it's ups and downs, and lately it's been pretty much mostly ups, except for the fact that I'm having somewhat of a problem with the opposite sex, which has been going on for quite some time now. I've decided to break up with Aaron, he and I have been very good friends since about November of last year and we've been together for about a week and a half. I can't help but still only think of him as just a friend. I never think of Aaron as my boyfriend, he's so Aaron. So anyway, I'll be doing that soon.

Some good things though is that I just went shopping yesterday and that made me Very happy, I love clothes and shoes and basically anything I can wear. I may be going to Arizona for a week at the end of August to visit my Daddy and family, so I'm quite excited about that, and during X-Mas vacation I'm going on a four day trip to Buffalo New York to my cousins place, and That's going to be Awsome.

Otherwise life is good and I'm getting along fine.

Manda**:D