THis scares the shit out of me...

MUAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*faints* I am in Looooooooooove with this picture! I just had a dream about Johnny...

Dude, seriously, what the fuck? Okay, this week is way sucky! First Zane breaks up with me, and then my moms fucking car gets stolen, so now I have to share the car with her. This is going to suck major fucking ass! And then in the same day (Today) I saw Zane, and i really really did not want to see him yet at all! I felt like fucking shit when I saw him, my stomach dropped to my feet. Well anyways, then Mark walked away from me cuz I guess I pissed him off or something, and all this happening in one day (Plus being piled with Math Homework) Kinda made me want to explode and cry. But I didn't of course, I was at school, it would have been embarrasing. So yeah, now I'm actually quite happy. I just need to figure myself out...yes. I want to get all organized and like, the exact opposite of what I'm doing right now! I don't want to be all stressed out anymore!!! PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME AND I HATE IT!!!! Grrrrrr

Tom is a sexy sexy guy... I want a dude like him, heehee.

Yeah, lets see what's been going on, Zane and I broke up and umm I'm back at school. That kinda sucks balls, I'm hungry! Umm yeah, I don't know...

Today I feel wierd. Actually I've felt wierd and sad for about a week now if not longer. It's very very sad. I don't understand what's going on inside my head to make me not happy. I wish things weren't like this. I just want to be fucking happy again...

Hey, I took this wierd personality test thing, and these were my results...
Paranoid: Low 
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:Low
So uhh I'm pretty normal for the most part. Hurray!

So anyways, I think I've figured out why I've been so sad lately! I've been thinking way WAY too much. Thinking can be very bad for you...

Life sucks...I hate it.

I have a few things to say I guess...
First off, I'll state the obvious, I HATE repeat HATE people. They are seething cauldrons of hate and malcontent. I got that one from Freud, who was an incredible genious specialized in human cognition. So anyways, back to my point, you really really can't trust anyone. Once you think you know someone they can turn around and be a completely different person. I hate being here, people are disgusting creatures who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. They don't give a second thought to another person, they feed off the misery of others. They enjoy making themselves feel higher than other people.

What is love? It's not an emotion, and if it was then what would it feel like? Good fizzy feelings and anger and fear and jelousy? Joy and happiness? Good fizzy feelings don't make you clean up your child's stomach acid that got chucked on the floor. Does it? I think that love is an action. It's devotion and a behavior. Of course good feeling is a part of it, but you have to be willing to do actions for them. Will you take care of your boyfriend/girlfriend when he/she is sick? Will you cheat on them with another person? Now that's not love, it's just lust. Lust is completely different. I don't know what love is really...it's weird when you think about it...

Ok, more stuff happened... I really really realized just how much Zane likes me. Like, there was some personal (feelings and things) stuff he told me. It just so happened that I have been very stressed out so I was on the edge of breaking down and crying and on top of it all he says things to me that just make things so good... and I broke down and cried after I tried so much not to. I really didn't want to and told him so, and he told me that he wanted to support me and be there for me which made me cry more. But it was awesome, I feel so good now about us like, there are absolutely NO doubts at all. We'll be together for a while, it's already going on 2 months HURRAH!
And so then I returned to the dorms and drank hot coco in my incredibly awesome purple robe with my roomate Kate, who was also in a robe...but it was more Grandmaily than mine. Heehee, Happy!

Today was wierd...I felt wierd. I woke up and felt fine and then ate breakfast..a little too much...and then...my body freaked out. I went back to my dorm room and I got all shaky and my head was hot and everything, it was fucked up. And then I draw a stupid ass pic for my drawing final and then I was going to drive Mark home cuz it's cold outside and he lives kinda far away from the school. So anyways, I go and see Adam cuz he waited for me cuz Mark went away. And Katie wanted to do stuff with people so then we went and picked up Mark and this chick who kinda looked like a *Ahem* guy, and uhh yeah. Well then we watched some Thumb movies and fucken bitch ass Natalie came over and got all scared of the kidies wearing black on the couch. That was HALARIOUS! I loved it.

My ... Stuff:
It's wierd becuase I overall dispise people, especially girls, but I'm somewhat of a feminist and I enjoy being with ... certain individuals. So I'm not secluded...
If you're like me I'll like you, just like Katie, we're almost the same person. Or if you have or have had problems. I seem to be attracted to people who are or have been depressed and wear black and stuff. I have no idea why, it's very confusing. I hate being empathic. Depressed people make me depressed... yeah. I dunno. I'm wierd.


--That was my ramble for the day. Thanks

Wow, I'm talking a lot today...for some reason. I just wanna write I guess...hmm

I am keeping this FOREVER


It will kill me if I continue. Youve been a cool friend, but I change myself when Im around you. I cannot live that lie. I like playing around with your brother and I like spending time with you. I dont think you understand my full intentions. Manda. I still want you. Pretty bad. Ive realized that can never happen as I would rip my soul apart trying to keep ahold of you and my sanity at the same time. This must not happen. I am freaking out and you are at the source of it all. GODDAMN IT MANDA! WHY CANT I SAY GOODBYE TO YOU?!?

He WAS my friend... oh well

I took my test today... I hope I didn't fail, but it's hard to say. I may have failed the whole class. And since I'm an extremely poor person, I really can't afford to lose my entire grant that just happens to pay for my entire education. So I'll be screwed in other words. And then I'll magically have to come up with money and a good job and start making incredibly awesome art. Yeah, I'm just gonna pull all that out of my ass. Life fucking sucks...

So anyways, things are good. Uhhmmm, I only have 2 more finals to do and I'm dont with school until Jan 18th, and I have to start work on the 2nd or something. I don't know, I don't even know what my schedule is yet. Oh well. I'm so freaken tired right now. *Bleah*
Yesterday I met a boy named Mark or [SiC_BoY]. He's very nice, and ummm I saw MOST of Shawn of the Dead. I need to see the whole thing, it looks halarious. And ummm yeah.
I hate sitting here at work! I need to study Psych. I'm still freaken over whether or not I'm going to pass. If I don't then I'm screwed... Damn

I hate girls they're fucking gay!
Here's what I think, everyone is all egocentric and humanistic. All people ever care about is themselves, me me me mine mine mine. That's it! I don't care if you think otherwise, because it's true! I dispise people, they make me sick, especially girls. They're all competitive for what they want. They get what they want or they're pissed and try harder. They don't give a shit about what other people think, and I hate them ALL!!! I hate being here, I don't belong here, I hate dealing with people they piss me off. I want to live far far away where there is no one but myself and maybe a significant other. Someone who I see no flaws in and I can trust and who will be loyal to me. As in I don't have to worry about him cheating on me or doing something really stupid (Like Zane). So... Yeah I can't stand being here basically. I don't like the people and i hate the government, politics are all decieving evil people.
Now, I'm really a nice person, and I can handle people, I'm not rude and retarded. I just don't like them very much...

Anyways, back to my normal life, I haven't been TOO busy, I'm going to a friend's party on Saturday, it's all adult like to celebrate the Winter Solstice. That'll be fun. I'm still stressen out over school, hoping that I can make it next semester cuz I'm poor and can't pay for school so I have to pass everything so I can get my damn money. Ummm I'm trying to tame my Anoles, which is a pain in the ass, they don't really like me very much sometimes...hmm. Umm, I've been chillen with Katie [*~*Pink Charmed Barbie*~*], she's been sick but has been getting better *YAY* and we're all good. She's a good kid, my only friend basically...
And then I've been spending a lot of time with Zane [perpetual black second] I stayed the night over the weekend, that was fun. Watched some movies and so such. And umm I think I learned how much I hate girls in that period of time. Yes I'm sorry to say I'm a bit of a jelous girl, but I've also learned that I shouldn't be jelous and pissed off because some stupid little highschoolers asked my boyfriend to prom, but honored that he chose me over someone else to be his girlfriend. I do trust that he will not cheat on me, I'm just self concious about these things because of past experiences. It's sad. But I'll get better and life will be great!

So that's what's up with me, I may type more later...

Tank Girl is my fucken role model, I love this bitch. My goal in the future is to own all of her comic books, cuz she's just so fucken awesome. Hey, if anyone even reads this, if you find anything on Tank Girl merchandise, please do tell me, I want Tank Girl clothing. Thanks