Today was just an exhasting day. And we didn't even do anything, really. I really need to go back to drinking coffee in the morning, just because some people don't like it doesn't matter if I can't function properly because I'm so damn tired. I still havn't called Pearl, and I said I would.. Uhng. ...the worst part is being female. I mean, come on, like I have enough on my mind! Now I'm in PAIN here, owie. I was going to rant, but I'm just too bleh to think of the words to rant about. Do I rant about school, if so, what about school, the boring-ness of the first week, the annoying-ness of the imature people there, the bitchy-ness of the preppies, or do I rant about home and work and this or that. Or I could rant about ranting, rant about how all ranting is is bitching and complaining about something or making some huge deal over something small or little to make a point. Ranting may be fun for the person going on and on and on, but most people who sit there and listen-- ...ranting about ranting is complaing for no reason. And now I'm done. Good night.

OH! The best part about today!

Konbanwa, Hajimemashite? Watashi wa Jessica desu. Itadakimasu nashi, ii desu ka? Eto.. Hai, soo desu doomo arigatoo gozaimasu. Sumimasen, oyasumi nasai. Hai, imasu. Jane!

-quietly- Seeing her diary.. seeing those... cuts, they were so deep.. I felt so disgusted with myself.. -shudders violently- Why do people do that.. how can you slip that blade over your skin and watch it gape open, watch the blood bead in a little ball of red and then stream down your arm... why not read a good book, call a friend.. I.I can't believe.. it's just so terrible.. how could I have done that to myself? Hurt myself like that? I feel sick to my stomach.. It's hidious. The scars wont fade for years yet. The pictures that she has up, it's.. gods, it's just... How could I have ever been stupid enough to do that to myself? I've learned that to be able to heal, I have to be strong within myself, and I have to be able to deal with things, to except things, to understand and move on. I wasn't able to do that for a long time.. and those, aahg, all that blood.. my hands are shaking so hard.. I need to go lay down to get some sleep, but I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Why do people put themselves through that shit? Damnit. I was so happy.. I was so happy. -sighs-

Scattered bits of Poetry that all mean the same thing, in the end..

This velvety rush.
The overwhelming crush
Of Pain.
These feelings make my vision sway.
Or is that the blood I've lost this day?
Don't worry, love,
It'll all be okay.
That's what you say,
That's what you always fucking say.
But I know better, from the bottom of my heart.
You say those words to rip me apart.
And while I try to love you, too,
So /many/ /things/ tell me not to.
Not to chance it,
Not to believe,
That once in my life things might fucking change.
You always ask,
'Why so afraid?'
I'm sick of being used,
Memories, torture, everyday.
I can never trust anyone, anymore.
They always fuck up.
Who cares about a crazy whore?

~

If I were laying, dead and bleeding,
Would you scream,
Or take to feeding?
Help me, Help me,
My dull eyes say
But would you turn and run away?
Would you leave me
Because you're afraid?
Leave me to die,
Or rip me apart.
Drink it from my bleeding heart.
Either way, I guess I'm screwed.
Bet that's just what you wanted to do.
~

Tie me in a ribbon red,
Lay with me upon my bed.
Place me in a glowing dress,
To show me to your every guest.
I'm nothing but your fucking treasure,
Locked within my sunkin chest.

~

Screw me.
Fuck me.
Make it hurt.
Make me yours.
Make this work.
This messed up way,
The things we do,
All because you want to screw.
Pretty, sexy, fucked up bitch.
Hold me close,
But still I'll flinch.