I.I hate her.. I can't believe that she.. Please, someone, take me away from this place, how could any parent do that to their child..? How can she.. make me want to just kill myself, just like that, after all the things that.. after feeling so good, after getting better and happy and.. and here I am wishing that I could just slice or swallow and I hate her. I HATE her. I want nothing more then to just run away, leave her, leave this.. but I need you, Ilie, Derek, Rachel.. I need you, Pearl.. You are who matter.. I couldn't take her screaming.. she was.. screaming.. and I just kept begging her to stop, please, just stop it, she wouldn't listen.. I was begging her, pleading, crying, sobbing, I just wanted her to go away.. she wouldn't stop screaming at me.. and then she left, and came back.. and now she's just sitting there, on the couch, smoking some drug and.. I hate her. I can't do this. I can't do this, not without any of you.. no one is here, no one can.. do anything... I'm just sitting here, feeling what she said burn into me and having to breath what she's making me.. I can't.. Please, someone, help me.. Make me smile again.. I liked that, so much.. I was happy, I was enjoying it.. I didn't mind so much that Ilie made me giggle, or Derek snuggled me and I felt..loved.. but... please, make her stop, she wont stop screaming at me.. I'm shaking, shivering, sobbing.. I just need someone, anyone, please make me better again... please...

Oh, hell yes, do you know what is even better then Japanese?

Buna seara, cemai faci? And because Ilie and Ashden refuse to invata-ne mai mult(us being Pearl and I) I don't know more to add to that little greeting. But I DO know,

Mi-e foame which I am, and
Maimuta custe ruiz
Sunt o clatita. Varog mancati-ma.
Nu stiu(I don't know) if that's right though, beacuse her hand writing is really hard to read when I'm this tired.. so if it's wrong.. shoot me. And bloody teach me more already! Ilie! Tell Ashden to teach me more. Because you wont. Because you're mean. Because I say so. Weep, I want more Romanian. I need like.. a Romanian to english dictionary, that would be sweet, I'm so dragging Pearl to Hastings this weekend, or maybe Barn's' and Noble's'.. Don't ask. But that and a sketchbook would simply be wonderful. Ooh, can't wait until I get my hands on the language thing, I'll be speaking Romanian in months(even if it's only in fragmented sentences, heh, who needs to speak like a sane person? I don't). If only I can find it here, they don't seem to have it in any stores..

Today was just an exhasting day. And we didn't even do anything, really. I really need to go back to drinking coffee in the morning, just because some people don't like it doesn't matter if I can't function properly because I'm so damn tired. I still havn't called Pearl, and I said I would.. Uhng. ...the worst part is being female. I mean, come on, like I have enough on my mind! Now I'm in PAIN here, owie. I was going to rant, but I'm just too bleh to think of the words to rant about. Do I rant about school, if so, what about school, the boring-ness of the first week, the annoying-ness of the imature people there, the bitchy-ness of the preppies, or do I rant about home and work and this or that. Or I could rant about ranting, rant about how all ranting is is bitching and complaining about something or making some huge deal over something small or little to make a point. Ranting may be fun for the person going on and on and on, but most people who sit there and listen-- ...ranting about ranting is complaing for no reason. And now I'm done. Good night.

OH! The best part about today!

Konbanwa, Hajimemashite? Watashi wa Jessica desu. Itadakimasu nashi, ii desu ka? Eto.. Hai, soo desu doomo arigatoo gozaimasu. Sumimasen, oyasumi nasai. Hai, imasu. Jane!

-quietly- Seeing her diary.. seeing those... cuts, they were so deep.. I felt so disgusted with myself.. -shudders violently- Why do people do that.. how can you slip that blade over your skin and watch it gape open, watch the blood bead in a little ball of red and then stream down your arm... why not read a good book, call a friend.. I.I can't believe.. it's just so terrible.. how could I have done that to myself? Hurt myself like that? I feel sick to my stomach.. It's hidious. The scars wont fade for years yet. The pictures that she has up, it's.. gods, it's just... How could I have ever been stupid enough to do that to myself? I've learned that to be able to heal, I have to be strong within myself, and I have to be able to deal with things, to except things, to understand and move on. I wasn't able to do that for a long time.. and those, aahg, all that blood.. my hands are shaking so hard.. I need to go lay down to get some sleep, but I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Why do people put themselves through that shit? Damnit. I was so happy.. I was so happy. -sighs-

Scattered bits of Poetry that all mean the same thing, in the end..

This velvety rush.
The overwhelming crush
Of Pain.
These feelings make my vision sway.
Or is that the blood I've lost this day?
Don't worry, love,
It'll all be okay.
That's what you say,
That's what you always fucking say.
But I know better, from the bottom of my heart.
You say those words to rip me apart.
And while I try to love you, too,
So /many/ /things/ tell me not to.
Not to chance it,
Not to believe,
That once in my life things might fucking change.
You always ask,
'Why so afraid?'
I'm sick of being used,
Memories, torture, everyday.
I can never trust anyone, anymore.
They always fuck up.
Who cares about a crazy whore?

~

If I were laying, dead and bleeding,
Would you scream,
Or take to feeding?
Help me, Help me,
My dull eyes say
But would you turn and run away?
Would you leave me
Because you're afraid?
Leave me to die,
Or rip me apart.
Drink it from my bleeding heart.
Either way, I guess I'm screwed.
Bet that's just what you wanted to do.
~

Tie me in a ribbon red,
Lay with me upon my bed.
Place me in a glowing dress,
To show me to your every guest.
I'm nothing but your fucking treasure,
Locked within my sunkin chest.

~

Screw me.
Fuck me.
Make it hurt.
Make me yours.
Make this work.
This messed up way,
The things we do,
All because you want to screw.
Pretty, sexy, fucked up bitch.
Hold me close,
But still I'll flinch.