GASP. I have ... Boots. Yes, you heard be right. I have boots! .. no.. not my cat. Well, damn, now I miss my cat. Oh well. I have boots! Real, leather, nice, knee high, BOOTS. Oh my frecking gosh! I've never had nice boots before.. I got some snow ones once, and it was pretty awesome, because they were so soft and nice and the inside was all fluffy and all.. but these ones have a /heel/. A two inch, skinny, sleek, /heel/. Wow. -sway- I figure, because I havn't ranted for a while, I shall today! It's nine in the morning, and .. I'm high on coffee? Is that a good enough reason?

You know, one day, I am going to finish a drawing. I mean, with a background, and a floor, and.. /clothes/, because.. I have it in me. I know it's in there, somewhere. Drawing nude people in random poses if fun, but just not as fullfilling as a completed, pretty, /good/ drawing. I got some wonderful art things this Christmas, people heard I like art and they latched on with a viciousness that sort of frightened me.. but whatever! I can draw trees now! See! I will post a drawing with a person and a tree! But, to make the person Lethia..? Oooor.. some other random person.. if I make it Lethia, then I will have to draw wings, and if I want to finish this drawing, then I will have to take the painstaking time to make the wings look wonderful. Which I will do. But if I draw someone else, i can be creative.. and... just totally make it into madness.. yes, that sounds good. I'll draw the tree with twisted branches, and then I'll draw .. Madness. Yay! Great idea's strike while writting a diary entry! But first, to take care of the urge to change my page around. Hmm.. -runs off to tweak with things-

What to say what to say.. not that any of you will read this, because we're all sick of hearing eachother complain. Then we turn around and complain, and bitch when people care. I understand. I feel the same way. Some days, I just want to scream at people to move on, to try harder, to have faith in yourself, and then I have a bad day, and all I want is to complain and have people care. Isn't that horrible? Then again, at least I'm trying to fix my life. It really bothers me when people choose to be in bad situations because they wish it were different. At least I had a way out, and I took it. Now things are better. But I'm confused.. because it seems I'm still depressed. I'm doing my best, honestly, I'm working and trying and doing well, I've been at my best behaivour, always so very polite and respectful and quiet, always listening and nodding and putting on a very convincing smiling and being such a good student, good granddaughter, good.. everything. But it's getting to me. I'm beginning to hate car rides. Everytime I'm in the car, I get into a discussion with someone about my life. About before I was born. About my father and mother. About depressing things that make me feel like breaking something, because I'm so tired of crying. But I listen and I nod and I act like nothing bothers me, because I'm mature enough to handle everything these people throw at me. And I am. Everyday, they bring up my relationship with my father, bring up memories about me growing up, about my mother in highschool, and everyday we talk about drugs and abuse and hate and pain. And then Ilie stands on his hands in view of the webcam, his legs flailing about, his shirt over his head, and I laugh as though none of that happened. I forget about everything, everyone, and I laugh, I'm happy. Thank you for that, Ilie.

Thank all of you. Rachel, Pearl, Gianna, Amber, Katie and Clare, Ariel you were such a wonderful friend for so long, Ilie, Ashden, Rene, Cynthia, Allen.. You all make me so very happy. You're my home. My safety. I love you all, very much. Thank you.

Right, so, for all you people who've been pestering about phone number and adress, here they are, Pearly, feel free to send me anything that you don't want to send to the boyos yourself, I can take care of it for you. Gianna, you promised to send me things, I'll be waiting to get these things, like a real picture of you and Theo together! Rachel.. just call me, I miss you all very much.

Adress: 340 SE Spokane St.
    Portland, OR 97202

Phone #: 503-236-6486 (at least they think it's that)

If anything happens, any emergency, or you just want to hear my lovely voice, hahaha, give me a call, I'm rather busy right now what with school, piano lessons, tennis lessons, but I love you all and will probably call you soon, myself. Ilie, gimmie your shirt. -laughs- Have a happy holiday-ish-thing, people.

. : Sheryl Crow - I'm a Bitch : .

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know
But I can't change

I tried to tell you but
You look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried,
Must have been relieved
to see the softer side

I can understand why
you are so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,

I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between,
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
this may mean you'll
have to be a stronger man

rest assured that when
I start to get you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,

I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between,
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think
You got me figured out
The seasons already changin'

I think its cool
You do what you do
And don't try to change me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,

I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between, You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,

I'm your hell, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between,
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease,
I'm a goddess, on my knees,
When you hurt, when you suffer,
I'm an angel under cover

I'm a nunI'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

~~~

I like this song, have liked it for a while. It describes me pretty well.

Okay, so, I arrived safely in Portland and am getting used to some new.. odd.. things. I'll have more time to talk all about it later, but now, as the computer with the internet connection is in my grandparents bedroom, and it's 10:44, and they kinda wanna go to sleep... Anyways, missing everyone already, the thought of being away very hard on my mind tonight. Take care.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS

"I Never Told You What I Do For a Living"

Stay out of the light
Or the photographs that I gave you
You can say a prayer if you need to
Or just get in line and I'll grieve you
Can I meet you, alone
Another night and I'll see you
Another night and I'll be you
Some other way to continue
To hide my face

[Chorus:]
Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off
I'm so dirty babe
The kind of dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes
I keep a book of the names and those

Only goes so far 'til you bury them
So deep and down we go

Touched by angels, though I fall out of grace
I did it all so maybe I'd live this every day

[Chorus:]
Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off
I'm so dirty babe
It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame
It's for the bodies I claim and lose

Only goes so far 'til you bury them
So deep and down we go

Down

And down we go
And down we go
And down we go
And we all fall down

I tried
I tried

And we'll all dance alone to the tune of your death
We'll love again, we'll laugh again
And it's better off this way

And never again, and never again
They gave us two shots to the back of the head
And we're all dead now.

Well never again, and never again
They gave us two shots to the back of the head
And we're all dead now.

Well I tried
One more night
One more night
well I'm laughin' out, cryin' out, laughin' out loud
I tried, well I tried, well I tried,
'Cause I tried, but I lied
I lied

I tried
I tried
I tried

And we'll love again and we'll laugh again
We'll cry again and we'll dance again
And it's better off this way
So much better off this way
I can't clean the blood off the sheets in my bed

And never again, and never again
They gave us two shots to the back of the head
And we're all dead now

Right, so. Today, Rach and I skipped the Con to go down to Namaska, this cute, quite, awesome little store. We bought some tea latte's, ate some sandwhiches, and read about our sex life. No, no, not really. Only slightly. There are tons of wonderful books down at Namaska, especially Astrology books, and I've always found astrology to be nearly right on the money, amazingly enough. I figure, if half of the world would read this stuff, most of the problems with couples and relationships wouldn't be.. a problem! So many things were right with Rachel and I, in this rather specific book called.. Stars and Signs, or something like that.. but it was very detailed, telling all about the life of the Cancer and the Leo. Which is me and Rachel. It was all very interesting. Saddly, it was only a book on women. What was most annoying, though, was that most of all the things we read about Rachel I had already known, but /my/ life as a Cancer was just SO amusing, because Rachel knows next to nothing about those type of things in my life. Because.. I'm that way.. as are most Cancers. All I'm saying, is that.. more people should read astrology! Especially guys, /ESPECIALLY/ guys. I mean.. if they knew even a quarter of the correct things in these books.. it would make so many things easier in relationships! I'm tempted to go out and get all of my guy friends books about their girlfriends/crushes astrological signs! It's like.. nearly magic! I'm telling you, people, it would make life a lot easier if you knew just how to deal with your significant other. And so on, and so forth, I guess I'm ranting.. but this afternoon was interesting, and educational. As soon as I have the money, I'm going to go and buy this book, because there were so many informationally goodness things -cough- like that makes sense, but you all know what I mean. While Astrology isn't completely perfect for anyone, it is so very close for everyone that those little mistakes, like telling me that secretly I'm bisexual O_o, really don't matter much. Now, what's simply TOO much fun is reading the ahem sexual part of the book, especially about your close friends and love-of-your-life. Because.. my god.. there is so much to laugh about.. Not meaning to be rude, though. I think we nearly passed out from laughter half way through Ahkra's sexual eh life? or some such thing.. We couldn't help it! I mean.. how the.. with.. it's just.. -laughs- See, here I go again. And the thing is, most of it is true. So, if you're interested in someone, then read about their sign. Read about some of the things they might like, some of the things they might hate, and get to know them. I'm a very complicated person, and Cancer, in depth, really describes me.

Now, my opinion on horoscopes are completely different.. half of them are complete crap.. but that's just my view..

And, just to frighten you all, Rachel bought me chocolate body paint today! GWEE!! -giggles and paints yummy chocolate all over her finger and sucks it off- Er, hehehehehehhehh.. -evil cackle- Chocolate makes me naughty.. -cough- I mean... Right! READ ASTROLOGY.

..I think I'm done now.. lets hope.

I.I hate her.. I can't believe that she.. Please, someone, take me away from this place, how could any parent do that to their child..? How can she.. make me want to just kill myself, just like that, after all the things that.. after feeling so good, after getting better and happy and.. and here I am wishing that I could just slice or swallow and I hate her. I HATE her. I want nothing more then to just run away, leave her, leave this.. but I need you, Ilie, Derek, Rachel.. I need you, Pearl.. You are who matter.. I couldn't take her screaming.. she was.. screaming.. and I just kept begging her to stop, please, just stop it, she wouldn't listen.. I was begging her, pleading, crying, sobbing, I just wanted her to go away.. she wouldn't stop screaming at me.. and then she left, and came back.. and now she's just sitting there, on the couch, smoking some drug and.. I hate her. I can't do this. I can't do this, not without any of you.. no one is here, no one can.. do anything... I'm just sitting here, feeling what she said burn into me and having to breath what she's making me.. I can't.. Please, someone, help me.. Make me smile again.. I liked that, so much.. I was happy, I was enjoying it.. I didn't mind so much that Ilie made me giggle, or Derek snuggled me and I felt..loved.. but... please, make her stop, she wont stop screaming at me.. I'm shaking, shivering, sobbing.. I just need someone, anyone, please make me better again... please...

Oh, hell yes, do you know what is even better then Japanese?

Buna seara, cemai faci? And because Ilie and Ashden refuse to invata-ne mai mult(us being Pearl and I) I don't know more to add to that little greeting. But I DO know,

Mi-e foame which I am, and
Maimuta custe ruiz
Sunt o clatita. Varog mancati-ma.
Nu stiu(I don't know) if that's right though, beacuse her hand writing is really hard to read when I'm this tired.. so if it's wrong.. shoot me. And bloody teach me more already! Ilie! Tell Ashden to teach me more. Because you wont. Because you're mean. Because I say so. Weep, I want more Romanian. I need like.. a Romanian to english dictionary, that would be sweet, I'm so dragging Pearl to Hastings this weekend, or maybe Barn's' and Noble's'.. Don't ask. But that and a sketchbook would simply be wonderful. Ooh, can't wait until I get my hands on the language thing, I'll be speaking Romanian in months(even if it's only in fragmented sentences, heh, who needs to speak like a sane person? I don't). If only I can find it here, they don't seem to have it in any stores..

Today was just an exhasting day. And we didn't even do anything, really. I really need to go back to drinking coffee in the morning, just because some people don't like it doesn't matter if I can't function properly because I'm so damn tired. I still havn't called Pearl, and I said I would.. Uhng. ...the worst part is being female. I mean, come on, like I have enough on my mind! Now I'm in PAIN here, owie. I was going to rant, but I'm just too bleh to think of the words to rant about. Do I rant about school, if so, what about school, the boring-ness of the first week, the annoying-ness of the imature people there, the bitchy-ness of the preppies, or do I rant about home and work and this or that. Or I could rant about ranting, rant about how all ranting is is bitching and complaining about something or making some huge deal over something small or little to make a point. Ranting may be fun for the person going on and on and on, but most people who sit there and listen-- ...ranting about ranting is complaing for no reason. And now I'm done. Good night.

OH! The best part about today!

Konbanwa, Hajimemashite? Watashi wa Jessica desu. Itadakimasu nashi, ii desu ka? Eto.. Hai, soo desu doomo arigatoo gozaimasu. Sumimasen, oyasumi nasai. Hai, imasu. Jane!

-quietly- Seeing her diary.. seeing those... cuts, they were so deep.. I felt so disgusted with myself.. -shudders violently- Why do people do that.. how can you slip that blade over your skin and watch it gape open, watch the blood bead in a little ball of red and then stream down your arm... why not read a good book, call a friend.. I.I can't believe.. it's just so terrible.. how could I have done that to myself? Hurt myself like that? I feel sick to my stomach.. It's hidious. The scars wont fade for years yet. The pictures that she has up, it's.. gods, it's just... How could I have ever been stupid enough to do that to myself? I've learned that to be able to heal, I have to be strong within myself, and I have to be able to deal with things, to except things, to understand and move on. I wasn't able to do that for a long time.. and those, aahg, all that blood.. my hands are shaking so hard.. I need to go lay down to get some sleep, but I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Why do people put themselves through that shit? Damnit. I was so happy.. I was so happy. -sighs-

Scattered bits of Poetry that all mean the same thing, in the end..

This velvety rush.
The overwhelming crush
Of Pain.
These feelings make my vision sway.
Or is that the blood I've lost this day?
Don't worry, love,
It'll all be okay.
That's what you say,
That's what you always fucking say.
But I know better, from the bottom of my heart.
You say those words to rip me apart.
And while I try to love you, too,
So /many/ /things/ tell me not to.
Not to chance it,
Not to believe,
That once in my life things might fucking change.
You always ask,
'Why so afraid?'
I'm sick of being used,
Memories, torture, everyday.
I can never trust anyone, anymore.
They always fuck up.
Who cares about a crazy whore?

~

If I were laying, dead and bleeding,
Would you scream,
Or take to feeding?
Help me, Help me,
My dull eyes say
But would you turn and run away?
Would you leave me
Because you're afraid?
Leave me to die,
Or rip me apart.
Drink it from my bleeding heart.
Either way, I guess I'm screwed.
Bet that's just what you wanted to do.
~

Tie me in a ribbon red,
Lay with me upon my bed.
Place me in a glowing dress,
To show me to your every guest.
I'm nothing but your fucking treasure,
Locked within my sunkin chest.

~

Screw me.
Fuck me.
Make it hurt.
Make me yours.
Make this work.
This messed up way,
The things we do,
All because you want to screw.
Pretty, sexy, fucked up bitch.
Hold me close,
But still I'll flinch.