I'm going to be taking 20 classes this year.

If I don't talk to anyone, or hang out much, or get online much, it's okay. I'm just going to be really effing busy.

I'm taking 7 classes each semester at Lewis and Clark, and then another 6 classes through BYU online, with the help of Damon and Jennifer (Jennifer's parents are paying half), so that I can graduate with my class.

I will be busy.

Yes.

"That's a nipple. That is a nipple in the mouth, right there. Nipple in the mouth -- an ugly nipple. It's like a -- fuck, a nipple. Fuckin' barbwire nipple, or some shit. This is fuckin' terrible, this is, this has gotta be one of those - fuck. This is a fuckin' dinasour dick." <--- I .. no words.

.... fuck.. I just ... fuck.

http://www.break.com/index/super-mario-brothers-is-frustrating-part1.html

It's so beautiful.

I really wanna just scream at him the cheat.. that when he's big, he can break some of the ceiling pieces and jump through, then run all the way across the wall to the very end completely unhindered, then get the 1,000 points at the end. It's just.. so... I.. god, I love mario. I love, love, fucking, love mario. I think I'm going to go set up my nintendo 64 now. Oh, and steal the really old nintendo from my grandpa.. yes...

Sometimes, I really wish I was a lesbian. Men should just be shot.

You really do know that you're a nerd when you snort rootbeer up your nose on accident, because it fizzes when you take a drink and you don't want to spill it all over the keyboard, so you just suck it in and hold your glasses on while you choke.

Oh yea. That's so hot.

Rent.
Song: Without You Lyrics

MIMI
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows. Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the
children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the
eagles fly, without you. The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you. Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves. Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash. The crowds roar,
the days soar, the babies cry, without you. The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

MIMI & ROGER
The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within
me blue.

MIMI
Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

BOTH
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

ROGER
The mind churns!

MIMI
The mind churns!

ROGER
The heart yearns!

MIMI
The heart yearns!

BOTH
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.

MIMI
Cause I die, without you.

ROGER
Without you.

BOTH
Without you

How much longer before I stop crying myself to sleep?

If only apologies could mend broken hearts.

There is really only one thing left to live for. Death.

So, I'm watching the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and I just started to bawl. It just.. hit me, so hard. My chest, it hurt. And the tears sort of errupted. You know you're a nut-case when you bawl while watching a comedy.

I have officially taken a vow of silence towards my grandparents. I will not say one word to them, for as long as it takes for them to either a) shoot me b) shoot themselves c) freak out, call a bunch of people, and apologise 50,000 times for something they're just going to do next week. And the week after. &tc.

I'm just done with it.

Ciao.

"So this is what bodies are for, Remus thinks, though it's such a ridiculous thing to think, because bodies are for all kinds of things, like eating and, and building pyramids, and keeping your brain out of the mud.

But no, all of those are things they can do. This, this is what they're for."

Gotta love shoebox..

My grandmother was indignant when I laughed after she told me she wasn't naive. She told me how she's done things that the church would be horrified by. She's had two husbands. She knows. Her and her girlfriends once went to a stip bar. She didn't drink, of course, because she was the designated driver, but she had a good time.

Gasp.

I think, Grandma, that oral sex, dildos, and kink has left you way behind. So far behind, you don't even know what a dildo is, and I doubt you've ever been blindfolded. 

Yes, Grandma. You are naive.

That was the first rape dream I've had in about 7 months.

It's .. very hard, to deal with this. It's like my mind had lulled me into a soft sense of security, that Darrel never existed, that it was just a dream, something I made up and never happened. I was okay with that. I was happy to take my medication, go to counseling to fix myself, happy that I never thought about what happened.

And then, all of a sudden.. I wake up, throw up, cry, and realize that it really did happen.

I had thought that I was healing. But I think I was ignoring. The fact that a simple nightmare, the sort of dreams I used to have every single night in the few hours of sleep I would get, has thrown me this much.. it's frightening.

I don't really want to think about it, though. I don't like to talk about it. I already did all of that crap, /several/ times. What's with all of these random flashbacks that leave me nauseous and disgusted?

I wish someone was online to talk to..

Bought a 'yoga for beginners' and punching bag today. Did some centering for about a hour and a half, until I was all relaxed and calm. And then I beat the shit out of the bag, until my shoulders and arms were shaking so hard that I couldn't lift my hands.

It was wonderful.

Why do I even try to come here.

You know.. I'm very forgiving to people who's elftown bios don't contain art, interest in fantasy, or science fiction. Elftown is a place for people to hang out and share interests. It's the people who go around to people's houses, annoying, bothering, cybering and what not, that really bother me. People who's bios are filled with sexual comments, offendingly disgusting pictures. Yes, I know, elftown isn't a place for children, and just like a person's house with artist nudity, I can choose to leave. But it still bothers me. I wish that the guards made more of a difference when it comes to people who are rude, naked, and or obsessed with cybering on Elftown. -sigh- I would much more enjoy a community for people who are interested in mainly arts and fantasy, but that's just not what Elftown is, I'm not sure if that's what it ever was. So we need to accept that, and perhaps go in search of a community exactly like Elftown, only with a better bio-screening process, eh? Sort of like an Elftown Elfwood mix, like, you have to have a drawing/photo/photomanip or something to be able to get bio space. That would be interesting.

I still love Elftown, and it will probably be a part of my life for many more years to come.

I think I will just start to branch out more.

Maybe create my own website. These classes I've been taking could come in handy. -smiles- Unlikely, but a nice thought.

-sigh-

A woman is studying herself in the mirror in a flashy dress, talking to her boyfriend.

She says, "How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?"

He replies, "Put a nipple on it."

-weeps- God, what was I thinking?!

I feel so icky!

I'm so ashamed of myself!

..I've written...

MarySues! The HORROR! The AGONY! -dies-

I've run out of things to do.

Can't hurt myself, can't be depressed, can't be mad at people, can't put holes in doors, can't eat, drawing doesn't work, writing doesn't work, singing doesn't work, running doesn't work, cleaning doesn't work, screaming doesn't work. There's nothing left.

If I don't find something to do about everything inside of me, I feel like I'm going to explode. I can feel it building, I've been having little outbursts lately, and still I'm surpressing everything. But how do I let it out?

I need a healthy emotional outlet, but I can't find one. I don't know what to do anymore.

Any ideas?

It's ridiculously difficult to not do things that you'll regret later.