The dictionary. Nouns. Verbs. Adjectives. They mean different things to everyone.

coxcomb: a vain, showy fellow.
chicanery: the use of trickery to deceive.
habitue: one who habitually frequents a place.
pellucid: transparent, clear; also, easily understandable.
buss: a kiss; to kiss.
factitious: artificial; not authentic or genuine.
profligate: shamelessly immoral; also, recklessly wasteful.
bedaub: to besmear; also, to overdecorate.
bifurcate: to divide into two branches.
contumacious: obstinate; stubbornly disobedient.
firmament: the sky; the heavens.
arcane: understood or known by only a few.
perfunctory: done routinely.
temerity: unreasonable or foolhardy contempt of danger.
superannuated: old; discharged or disqualified on account of old age.
egregious: outrageously bad.
tutelary: guardian; protecting.
condign: deserved; adequate.
lambent: playing on the surface; flickering.
confabulation: familiar talk.
expiate: to make amends for; to atone for.
somniferous: causing or inducing sleep.
aubade: a song greeting the dawn.
cogitate: to think; to ponder.
persiflage: frivolous or bantering talk.
obfuscate: to darken or obscure.
calumny: malicious misrepresentation; slander.
ablution: the washing of the body or some part of it.
undulate: to move in waves.
cosset: to treat with excessive indulgence; to pamper

Think of those so commonly used words.

Me.
Water.
Sex.
Little.

What do they mean to you?

The buzzing of my computer alarm jarred me awake this morning. Still groggy, I turned it off, hid under my blanket, and promptly fell back to sleep.

--

His face, his smile… the past few nights have been torture. I wake up believing that he has sent me a message, that he’s somewhere close, and when reality hits me like a train, my own self pity and loathing try to replace the void in my heart that he made.

--

Do I consider myself a slut? No. It’s a dirty word, an insult, something bad. I’m more inclined to say nymphomaniac.

--

Where do I get off thinking that it’s okay for me to be who I am? Because I can’t change? Because my mom was the same? Because it’s easiest?

--

I look forward to my future, to all of the experiences that will continue to change me. My role models are the actions, emotions, appearances, of other people. This might make me vain. So I am vain. At least I can appreciate every person in my life. I appreciate the man who stole my virginity from me, for now I can better understand the pain and helplessness of others. I appreciate the way that my mother drinks every night, just to get to sleep, because her memories torture her sub consciousness. And I appreciate the time and effort you will take to read what I have written. The things that you think, the decisions you make, and how they will continue to make me into the woman I will one day be. Thank you.

--

I'm so full of bullshit, I can hardly stand myself sometimes.

Ideas. 9-23-07

The colour of dragon scales - surgery - attaching scales to humans - skinning - hunting - abuse

Miles of metal, metal landfills, use crystal, metal useless, use earth as a landfill

Government becomes dictatorship, God rules all, those who don't follow burn, those who obey are glorified

Shuck the skin from iridescent purity

Surgically attach the indiscriminating resplendence

Over gaping wholes in our humanity

Dementia sickens lunacy

Muses soar in agony, stripped of themselves

Our Ascension gained through their suffering


!@#%!@Futuristic@@!@#$

remnant

extinction

Journal Entry. 9-18-07.

Painted finger nails, cocaine stains around their mouths. I get hailed from friends, as little boys wander away from their parents. Ball caps, beer cans, cigarette butts, am I any different? I'm wearing Sean's old work shoes, no socks. The pricklies from the overgrown garden in our yard have been tearing into my feet all day long, stuck to the fabric of his shoes. Oh well. No bra; I couldn't risk my mom seeing me this morning, and I didn't have it with me downstairs.The concrete is hard, and cold, and I can feel it very easily through my thin sweat pants. To my right, a small group of deaf use sign language to communicate while I watch out of the corner of my eye. What a beautiful thing to see. An elderly woman stands beside me, her hair dyed a reddish purple. She's probably no more then four feet tall. And this, only in Spokane. I wonder what the transit in downtown New York would look like.

My bus is here.

Hey.. I actually had a bit of fun with these. They let me know more about myself, and it was interesting to see the results.. So.. Yea... I stole 'em from [Jitter]'s diary, and I'menna do 'em! Yup yup.

Stole from the fork aka Vorkje

Okay, here's the deal, start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% Virgin. The lowest number you have, the more you've done!

1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
6. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 91 %


11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfrend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or receieved a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

PERCENTAGE : 83 %


21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sexs house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 74%


31. Played strip poker/darts.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.


PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 62%




41. Frenched kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 53%

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 46%

61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.


PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 36%


71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 29%


81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 21%

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face
100. Been raped

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 13%

.... Uhm.. Yea. I'm pretty un-fucking-virginal. -_-;; I don't think that's a good thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stolen from, again, [Jitter], who stole it random website. ^_^

1. Add up the price of the clothing you're wearing.

Uhm. Really old college tshirt, my mom's college, that is.. probably no more then $5.
Baggy, bear covered pj pants, like, $8, I believe.
Socks. Black, warm. No idea, as they're bought in packs, but probably like $1.80.

So that's $11.80. Eh. Way too much for pjs.

2. Add up the pageviews of all the accounts you own.

Shit.. probably like... 3,000 or so. o_o

3. What have you eaten today?

Uhm. Two slices of oreo pizza, some alkaseltzer, which I can't spell, and.. well, I'm being called for dinner right now, so that's that.

4. Write the last thing you heard?

phfooooooom, the sound of the heater coming on.

5. List 5 things you see next to you

A 2 liter of root beer, 3/4s empty.
Some fixative spray for charcoal drawings.
My glade plugin lightshow. I adore thee. ^___^
A fallen stack of video games/dvds.
My 250GB external harddrive. Whee!! I sound rich. HAH.

6. The first word that comes into your head

Poo. ..sad, I know. Stfu.

7. One funny thing thats happened to you today

A close friend of mine agreed with me that I'm a bit of a slut. I find that funny. XD

8. Put your music player on shuffle. Click the skip/next song button 5 times. Whats playing now?

Tongan & Sade - By your side (reggae mix) ... I have no idea.

-squeals like a preppy- VIGGO MORTENSEN!!!!!!!! There's a new movie coming out with VIGGO! Aaaaahh omfg! And he's NAKED in a scene! AAAAHHH! And it's coming out in LESS THEN A MONTH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Fat girls give the best head because they're HUNGRY!" R.O.F.L.M.A.O.

Oh, how true.

I'm going to be taking 20 classes this year.

If I don't talk to anyone, or hang out much, or get online much, it's okay. I'm just going to be really effing busy.

I'm taking 7 classes each semester at Lewis and Clark, and then another 6 classes through BYU online, with the help of Damon and Jennifer (Jennifer's parents are paying half), so that I can graduate with my class.

I will be busy.

Yes.

"That's a nipple. That is a nipple in the mouth, right there. Nipple in the mouth -- an ugly nipple. It's like a -- fuck, a nipple. Fuckin' barbwire nipple, or some shit. This is fuckin' terrible, this is, this has gotta be one of those - fuck. This is a fuckin' dinasour dick." <--- I .. no words.

.... fuck.. I just ... fuck.

http://www.break.com/index/super-mario-brothers-is-frustrating-part1.html

It's so beautiful.

I really wanna just scream at him the cheat.. that when he's big, he can break some of the ceiling pieces and jump through, then run all the way across the wall to the very end completely unhindered, then get the 1,000 points at the end. It's just.. so... I.. god, I love mario. I love, love, fucking, love mario. I think I'm going to go set up my nintendo 64 now. Oh, and steal the really old nintendo from my grandpa.. yes...

Sometimes, I really wish I was a lesbian. Men should just be shot.

You really do know that you're a nerd when you snort rootbeer up your nose on accident, because it fizzes when you take a drink and you don't want to spill it all over the keyboard, so you just suck it in and hold your glasses on while you choke.

Oh yea. That's so hot.

Rent.
Song: Without You Lyrics

MIMI
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows. Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the
children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the
eagles fly, without you. The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you. Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves. Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash. The crowds roar,
the days soar, the babies cry, without you. The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

MIMI & ROGER
The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within
me blue.

MIMI
Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

BOTH
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

ROGER
The mind churns!

MIMI
The mind churns!

ROGER
The heart yearns!

MIMI
The heart yearns!

BOTH
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.

MIMI
Cause I die, without you.

ROGER
Without you.

BOTH
Without you

How much longer before I stop crying myself to sleep?

If only apologies could mend broken hearts.

There is really only one thing left to live for. Death.

So, I'm watching the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and I just started to bawl. It just.. hit me, so hard. My chest, it hurt. And the tears sort of errupted. You know you're a nut-case when you bawl while watching a comedy.

I have officially taken a vow of silence towards my grandparents. I will not say one word to them, for as long as it takes for them to either a) shoot me b) shoot themselves c) freak out, call a bunch of people, and apologise 50,000 times for something they're just going to do next week. And the week after. &tc.

I'm just done with it.

Ciao.

"So this is what bodies are for, Remus thinks, though it's such a ridiculous thing to think, because bodies are for all kinds of things, like eating and, and building pyramids, and keeping your brain out of the mud.

But no, all of those are things they can do. This, this is what they're for."

Gotta love shoebox..

My grandmother was indignant when I laughed after she told me she wasn't naive. She told me how she's done things that the church would be horrified by. She's had two husbands. She knows. Her and her girlfriends once went to a stip bar. She didn't drink, of course, because she was the designated driver, but she had a good time.

Gasp.

I think, Grandma, that oral sex, dildos, and kink has left you way behind. So far behind, you don't even know what a dildo is, and I doubt you've ever been blindfolded. 

Yes, Grandma. You are naive.

That was the first rape dream I've had in about 7 months.

It's .. very hard, to deal with this. It's like my mind had lulled me into a soft sense of security, that Darrel never existed, that it was just a dream, something I made up and never happened. I was okay with that. I was happy to take my medication, go to counseling to fix myself, happy that I never thought about what happened.

And then, all of a sudden.. I wake up, throw up, cry, and realize that it really did happen.

I had thought that I was healing. But I think I was ignoring. The fact that a simple nightmare, the sort of dreams I used to have every single night in the few hours of sleep I would get, has thrown me this much.. it's frightening.

I don't really want to think about it, though. I don't like to talk about it. I already did all of that crap, /several/ times. What's with all of these random flashbacks that leave me nauseous and disgusted?

I wish someone was online to talk to..