umm so its.. um 8:21 and I am sitting here in this place...3 more hours till I go hosanna (aka as close to stuebenville cult as you can get in pgh)...lol, it may be funnyyyy, or idk myabe not loser...yay! um um um yua...sigh ... I have an excessive affinty for writing in my journal... probably not a good thing, probably says somethng about me but its too early to figure out... i'm out, contact this piece!

he was interested in my project, and my paper...how the hell did everything go so wrong...? how did we get from there to here...? I just cant help it, and then it like I am not even a person, just an object. I dont even get a hello anymore. This is F'n BS. I dont understand how it happend...

it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss?

I swear everything bad that has happend break has stemmed from that... steph, the extd family, school, research, canterbery tales, purity book, friends, me changing, and not feeling right with the world...all happend after that...it was so good up until then. I dont understand...

i want to and need to stop, gotta get outa my rut, gotta get back on track...

They say this town the stars stay up all night,
well I don't know, can't see em,
through glow of the neon lights
well its a long way from here,
to the place where the home fires burn,
well its two thousand miles and one left turn...

[Chorus:]
Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

black top, blue skies big town full of little white lies,
everybodys your friend, you can never be sure,
they'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings and all sorts of shiny things,
but girl you'll remember what your knees are for

[Chorus:]
Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
love your baby girl

I know that I'm on my way,
I can tell everytime I play,
I'll know that it's worth all the dues I payed when I can write to you and say:

Dear Mom and Dad I'll send money
I'm so rich that it ain't funny
well it ought to be more than enough to get you through
please dont worry becasue I'm alright
see I'm staying here at the Ritz tonight
what do ya know it made our dreams come true
and there are fancy cars and diamond rings
but you know that they dont mean a thing
cause they all add up to nothing compared to you,
well remember me in ribbons and curls,
I still love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

Damn school, homework, life, people, teachers, life, college, guilt, mount, the 'friend', uniforms, myself, loneliness, akwardness, not fitting in, and guilt, and homework... Yes damn mount and the homework it gives most of all!!!!!

I hate being me...

The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you

and I think I fell out of grace with the world I knew
I am slowly and steadly slipping away
away from everything I have known
everything I am comfortable with
slipping into something new
and I am not sure I can deal
but is the cost worth the loss?
is the gain worth the pain?

this new way is interesting
and I think its how I need live
but I miss the old place
the safety and security,
the comfort it brought
Often I dont understand this place
there are no answers for the simple questions
"the pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple"
and I think its gonna take a while
but I think I will get used to it
to the change, the pressure, the people
but is loss worth the cost?
is the gain worth the pain?

will I finally feel that I am home here
only to leave again
for somewhere else
will the cost be worth the loss?
will the gain be worth the pain?

new people.. i miss the old ones... one thing that this past week has done for me was shown me how much I changed... and I have...

and to add the the happiness of the past week,... we got the wedding invitation today, and guess who has to go??? @#$% kill me now... I need to be trashed before I even think about getting ready for the thing to make it through almost 10 hours with the mob...

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

We're taught to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
You know your love's run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true

Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all
the empty things disguised as me


I dk, cant get it out of my head...feeling lost...and sleepy
when does it end?

wow... funeral today.... was hard... almost broke my heart....I take over peoples away msgs.... yes... free falling, sad girl.


Here i lie watching the cars on the highway
You're one of those lights that's driving away
I'm standing in the dark wondering where you are



and my sister is talking alot so I am off to do my duty... ttyl


he's the lie the brought me to the edge, will I ever love again?
^a very haunting, very true song....almost fell again the other day...dk why, mayb cuza everything... i dk but not anymore... it too much of an illusion...

omg...I cant believe this...now I know why I was so upset on thurs...

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal its so unfair

And it feels,And it feels like
Heavens so far away
And it feels,Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that youve gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away

Steph babe...I miss you so much, I cant believe you're gone, I love you hun, and always will.
R.I.P 10.17.87-3.11.05


and it hasn't truly hit me yet....it's so unreal, the stats were so high for recovery, it couldnt have happened, but it did...it was completely unexepected. DAMN! I look at everything, and why did she get this? I mean she didnt even choose it. It was completely out of the blue. Like I think of how I'll never see her sn again, never get another call or txt...she'll never go to prom or graduate, she wont get to read all the Harry Potter books or get her license, she'll never see her senior pictures...But maybe she did what she was supposed to do and God said aight ur done, no more earth and suffering and pain for you...and took her. When I think more about it that stuff, I dont think it matterd to her as much as it does to me...but it's still hard... she was supposed to LIVE damnit!!

Stephanie, you were an amzing person, never down even through all the shit you went through...I admire so much for that, and you are in a much better place. You were too good for us down, you were too good for earth and its pain, now you are where you deserve to be, w/o pain...I treasure all the memories I have of you and never want to forget you...babe...no matter what you thought we loved you...and u loved us back even better...I dk what I am gna do w/o u hun, these past couple weeks were hard and fun, we got so much closer and I am so glad I knew you! and that you are now whre you belong...you and ur beatiful soul...I will miss you, I already do..., Goodbye hun...I love you like a sister...rest in peace, you deserve it more than anyone

and that's what happens when you lose it
u are pushed to the breaking piont
bending over backwards
pressured and overwhelmed
alone and flaling
u fall apart...
and after a while, eventually
u find the pieces
get some glue
and put them back together
wash away the hurt
and stains of the past
and with some help
you are whole again
ready to start again...
to face it all again...
^the story of tonight...still not all the way back to the beginning yet...but I am on my way...sry If I scared anyone esp Roger...but it been so bad this week, what with all this stuff and everyone, and tonight I just lost it all...thnx hun...

And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

sooo ya.. got into it with one of my favorite people today..actually that would be one of my least favorite people

um ya went to LV and got lost coming home in millvale..lol who does that? the entire time I was like sure go this way w/e....

cant remember the song i wanted in here but involved the line "you just dont care any more", fitting for past couple days for the certain few...(notice its plural so its not who u probably think it is)

emmm its amazing how things change.. like w/in a week or even a few hours...nothing stays real anymore it all fades away...

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

omg I'm breaking down... save me? mayb baby? please...

I have a secret...

I AM GETTING DSL!!!!!!

[I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change
I wake up scared
I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same....]

wow...Better than yesterday, but there's still more do to today. Damn school, the Purity book, and history class...It feels like I am so far behind and there is still sooo much to do...

hmm thinkings...

why do some people have everything they need and nothng they want?
how come it just works out for the 98% but what about the other 2%?
they'r the outsiders look'n
realizing there's no one look'n out at them.
They are the 'has beens',
the 'uptight',
the 'forgotten'.
Contented in their separtion and their anger.
Closed to the world who turnd its back on them and made them who they are today....
but inside the shell they wonder,
whenever they are sober,
unhigh,
or have nothing else to think about,
they wonder how they could get back in.
How they could get what everyone else has...
the perfect, bearable life,
where everything works out,
and evn if it doesnt there is some one by their side
to help them work it out.
But they never figure out the answer,
so they remain outside looking in,
knowing no one will ever be looking out for them...

poem mood I guess....

am I really that forgetable? (over dramatizing think nothing of it)... bad day, week, year, life....no just day...depression sux I need a big pill, joint something...

this needs to stop... I am not this person... why?? bad day!

I think I'm breaking out
I'm gonna leave you now
There's nothing for me here, it's all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here, I'm not afraid

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (Feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

You can't stop me now
You can't hold me down
You can't keep me here, I'm on my way
I've made it this far now
And I'm not burning out
No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (Feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

Letting out the noise inside of me (Letting out the noise inside of me)
Every window pane is shattering (Every window pane is shattering)
Cutting up my words before I speak (Cutting up my words)
This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me (Letting out the noise inside of me)
Every window pane is shattering (Every window pane is shattering)
Cutting up my words before I speak (Cutting up my words)
This is how it feels to not believe

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

my mood----cant wait to leave cept that I would have to leave the love of my life...

and it feels, and it feels like Heaven is so far away
and it feels, and it feels like the earth is so cold
now that you've gone away, gone away

ya well always a good time when AIM express decides not to work on the computer.... so then folks... gotta love ittttttttttt.... or yell til it goes away...

"sometimes someone
starts treatin you bad
but the world goes round....
and sometimes your heart breaks
with a deafening sound

one day its kicks then its kicks in the shins
but the planet spins
and the world goes round
and around and round"
^another fun ditty.... in a ditty state of mind...

kinda bord/tired/should be doing the homework mood..so I guess I'm off...whoever thought up 1:30 1/2 days should be checked into a mental instituiton b/c they are a complete idiot

Arnold is sexist....

and the truth is that no one cares enough to care

"it burns! it burns!" then dont eat the liquid in the mddle of the vitamin Jules!!!!! lol Luvya babe... lunch was the only reason for living today as all other times I was either PoD by my school or people in it or ignored.. ya that works.... sigh... ya dont understand that, I really am getting sick of mount and if there was any percentage of me going to NASH I would make it happen to get out of there....but my parents are all catholic-e so I will remain trapped in the dungeon wasting my highschool live away...alone...

o man my family is the definition of dysfunctional.. the F#ups moved the wedding and its now the weeknd after prom, on the 14... I swear to God its probably in someone's basement, I mean hell it was supposed to be on the fricking 7 for the last 6 monthes and now all the sudden it gets movd...this definantly means basement... and even if I dont go I have to babysit the circus for the day...I hate my life...and being me...espcially where the extd fam is concerned...

adoration was good last night, I needed it...as much as it is a cult...and yes we sang our offical cult song... go us!!! tonight is TV night, tmro is pulse, and friday is the fish fry..

cant go with steph, kinda dreading telling her that... ya well Its not really my fault so...

been writing alot... gotsa get the stuff the out...ah well gtg do trig (die) and then go visiting... yippeee.... meh ttyl

lata babes :/

I am here, so act like it

?

emmm...I hate arnold...and I am cold, and tha's boout all folks...n2m cept people who need figured out...

I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
^ a cool lil ditty...

well today is sunday bloody sunday...and that means church lata...and other things...whoo hooo....ya. well umm check out my xanga for a more detail description of my life today...

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=dazdnconfzd

yay...might get jobs soon yay!! needa find a date para prom...y finish these summaries so I am out for abit. sorry its nothing truely worth reading other tahn obvioius crap...so ya...check out the xanga... its much longer lol lata babes

ok ummm ya haven't been here for a while....pulse was good, school suckd per usual, fish fry... meh... kinda beat, but aight.

been thinking..ya bad I know...and well, this sums it up

I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes

I'm not depressd now I just need to get it out now.. why did the one thing I thought might mayb work blow up in my face? not wnt'n back..just thinking.. wishing my friendship backk....

Brittany made my day!!! thnx hun!

frannie tryed to call me and tell me to tell the bus not to pick her up cuz she was already at school... well be smart, u get on before me here!!!!!! ahhhh

well now I am off to see the love of my life and battle blatant sexism... ie--->PULSE

more lata babes....

You pretend you’re high
You pretend you’re bored
You pretend you’re anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

Don’t believe in fear
Don’t believe in faith
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t break

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

What drives you on what drives you on
Can drive you mad can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Don’t believe in love
Don’t believe in hate
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t waste
-Garbage

To all my "girls" at the mount...yup you know who you are...and my other friend...cuz this is who are...