Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt

right.. well then.. I really really want this to be over... I hate it. I'm so sick of being the odd girl out (ya i know its a book and soon to be a lifetime movie) I just wish for once something could go right, maybe something good will happen sometime, but sometime soon would be nice...I'm just tired of being alone...

I ain't gonna look the other way
'Cause after all the clouds go by, its just another empty sky

*no I am not depressed, in a bad mood etc..it's just getting old, watching the rest of the world go by, and it scares me*

[I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change
I wake up scared
I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same]

got a cd back today yay! its a good one too....heh well off to do more paper crap... kill me....

www.nasucks.com
^I think this is hilarious ^_^

i'm trying hard to breath now but ther's no air in my lungs
ther's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
i try to hold it under control i cant help it cuz no one knows

omg... what do you do? I am a terrible person... ya I know terrible isnt even my word but whatever...I am so confused, and I have no Idea what to do?

inside it drives me crazy
my insecurities could eat me alive

just when I thought it would finally be OK the shit hit the fan...

when a person comes into your life, they impact it in someway, do you let them or is it fate? can you ever forget it? is there a reason for everything?


Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in p.i.e.c.e.s.

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in p.i.e.c.e.s.
-Saliva~rest in pieces

I really was OK...but now I'm not, I promise...can someone make me all better and make it go away?

Often, we loose sight of lifes simple pleasures. Remember, when some one annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother fucker upside the head!... hahaha

so long, goodbye. I never cried that much for you
but that's a lie, just like the book you抮e seeing through
you don't know why you hate the human things you do
but when you die, lover you'll be sorry, sorry
cuz when you die - what if you don't fly?
your righteous life has only been
a stiffled chance to find out what that thing was for
so take a chance - you don't convince me anymore
you need a screw, you need to cast away your blinds
cuz when I blew all the elation wasn't mine
and when you find oh yeah God was in your mind
your righteous life has only been
a righteous lie, oh yeah, open up your eyes
-what if you dont fly... new/old band i heard... superdrag...anyone know stuff on them??? i like them

o man...maybe I need to run away... maybe I will.... I hate living here... be restricted, i just cant take it anymore....I cant wait till I leave for college.

wooo hoo.. another depressing day, Good Friday. This involves staying at home with my familly all day, doing nothing, well today research, which isnt much better.. and not being able to eat... Kill me. so ya... I hate research, it should DIE! *sigh* o well ttyl, maybe...

Nothing on top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
See a lot up there but don’t be scared
Who needs action when you got words

listening to my steph song...Gone Away by Offspring... wow i miss that kid...

so ya with what little break I have I will be researching.. AHAHAHAHAHAH i hate schooll..... ttyl more reading

"I figured out to solve the feeding tube debate"
"how man?"
"if she dies by tomro she'll be alive by sunday"
*hear insane laughter*
"if they're Jewish, we're screwd.."
"nope they're Catholic, we're good to go...."
funny thingy I heard, kinda mean though...

Age: 0-5 [Toddler]

When were you born?: 11/22
What was your first word?: i was like 9 monthes old HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER!
What was your favorite television show?: sesame street
What was your favorite movie?: Aladin?? adventures in babysitting
Do you have any siblings?: yes like a circus-full
If so, give their names and ages: colleen, ben, rose, paul
Did you have any pets?: nope
Did you have a best friend? Who?: um some kid i used to know when i lived in Ohio, but i never talk to him anymore.,,
Did you have a favorite relative?: uncle PJ
What is the most memorable moment from these years?: when i told my mom to leave preschool so we could start class... ahhh so naive I acctually wanted to go to school....



Age: 6-12 [Childhood/Pre-teen]

What was the name of your elementary school?: St. Alexis
Did you get a boyfriend/girlfriend during any of these years? ha yea cuz every 1st grader has one???! um actaully i might have had one, i cant really remeber
was your favorite year of elementary school? Why?: um fourth cuz I had mrs. kolar for the first time, and I gotta play with chicks... ^_^
Who was your favorite teacher?: mrs. P or mrs. Ross hard choice
Who was your least favorite teacher?: mrs. fattman, or daily..
What was the reason for your first detention?: me? dentention? unheard of! i am an angel (read devil who doesnt get caught)
Who was your best friend during these years?: mindy, alex, tyler, chris, lauren, alli,
What was your favorite television show?: mr. rogers
What was your favorite movie?: mighty ducks (any of the 3)
What was your favorite song?: um something (and i blush) from *NSYNC or BSB
What is the most memorable moment from these years?: covering a cardboard refrigarator box with blue saryan wrap...dont ask


Age: 13-17 (teenager)
What high school did/are you go(ing) to?: Mount Alvernia..
Who was/are your best friend(s)?: omg so many.... brittany, gates, jess O and the whole GANG
What was your favorite class?: 1 minute before teh last bell
Who was/is your favorite teacher?: Middle skool- Sra. Te
Who was/is your least favorite teacher?: hmmm anyone wanna guess this? i'll give you a hint..Hitler!
Who was/is your boyfriend/girlfriend during these years?: umm gf brittany or jules... bf... positions open...~_^
What was/is your most prized possession? Why?: the cd player or my sunglasses... a temporary escape from reality
Were you ever suspended or expelled? Why?: not yet
Were/are you still a virgin during these years?: ya
Wat was/is your favorite television show?: Gilmore GIrls! and house
What was/is your favorite movie?: miss congeniality (so me) star wars, anything with harrison ford/bruce willis, Die Hard, the matrix, ARTHUR
at was/is your favorite song?: ummm smells like teen spirit, save yourslef, safe home, holy water, clumsy, mr brightsides, zen, gone away, cigarrette, teenage wastland (cuz roger is reallyyy hot!) and many others OO figure you out...
What is the most memorable moment from these years?: ummmm LUNCH lol our mni social experiment some good ones... the horny day, pole dancing, when we voted for our dictator (ya.. kinda confusing), red face!, eating the thingys inside of vitamins...and so many others, changing teresa's name to frannie....

wow.. i hate my schoool.... just eat it or something.

i needdddd heloppppp..... and a car so i could drive where/whenever i wnated to... meh

every time.. it just hits me in waves... and there is nothing I can do..

No one can see anything on the other side of me
I walk, I crawl, loosing everything and waiting for the downfall


Looking up from underneath, as low as we are,
Nothing looks the same to me, am I deceived?
I stand and watch myself from somewhere else,
Something I don’t want to see.

Take it all, so I’m left with nothing at all.
Have it all, cuz I’m learning how to fall, yes I’m learning how to fall.

^lyrics from the new cd that i REAALLYYYY want... 'the lonely position of neutral'-Trust Co. I heart that band!!!!

o boy... hosanna, clap, clap, hosanna, clap, clap, hosanna in the highest....clap, clap,clap,clap,clap...wow...

spent my sunday at the big MT...for hosanna...was interesting I had fake cotton candy hair for a bit, and ummm ya, the chapel was reallyyyyyy hot. that was about it... Jesus has glowing eyes? sure

today was hell on earth, failed two tests and had relgion last, I hate day 3...ya and how the trifecta + 1 stares at us while we have class...not cool...

umm so its.. um 8:21 and I am sitting here in this place...3 more hours till I go hosanna (aka as close to stuebenville cult as you can get in pgh)...lol, it may be funnyyyy, or idk myabe not loser...yay! um um um yua...sigh ... I have an excessive affinty for writing in my journal... probably not a good thing, probably says somethng about me but its too early to figure out... i'm out, contact this piece!

he was interested in my project, and my paper...how the hell did everything go so wrong...? how did we get from there to here...? I just cant help it, and then it like I am not even a person, just an object. I dont even get a hello anymore. This is F'n BS. I dont understand how it happend...

it started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss?

I swear everything bad that has happend break has stemmed from that... steph, the extd family, school, research, canterbery tales, purity book, friends, me changing, and not feeling right with the world...all happend after that...it was so good up until then. I dont understand...

i want to and need to stop, gotta get outa my rut, gotta get back on track...

They say this town the stars stay up all night,
well I don't know, can't see em,
through glow of the neon lights
well its a long way from here,
to the place where the home fires burn,
well its two thousand miles and one left turn...

[Chorus:]
Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

black top, blue skies big town full of little white lies,
everybodys your friend, you can never be sure,
they'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings and all sorts of shiny things,
but girl you'll remember what your knees are for

[Chorus:]
Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
love your baby girl

I know that I'm on my way,
I can tell everytime I play,
I'll know that it's worth all the dues I payed when I can write to you and say:

Dear Mom and Dad I'll send money
I'm so rich that it ain't funny
well it ought to be more than enough to get you through
please dont worry becasue I'm alright
see I'm staying here at the Ritz tonight
what do ya know it made our dreams come true
and there are fancy cars and diamond rings
but you know that they dont mean a thing
cause they all add up to nothing compared to you,
well remember me in ribbons and curls,
I still love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

Damn school, homework, life, people, teachers, life, college, guilt, mount, the 'friend', uniforms, myself, loneliness, akwardness, not fitting in, and guilt, and homework... Yes damn mount and the homework it gives most of all!!!!!

I hate being me...

The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you

and I think I fell out of grace with the world I knew
I am slowly and steadly slipping away
away from everything I have known
everything I am comfortable with
slipping into something new
and I am not sure I can deal
but is the cost worth the loss?
is the gain worth the pain?

this new way is interesting
and I think its how I need live
but I miss the old place
the safety and security,
the comfort it brought
Often I dont understand this place
there are no answers for the simple questions
"the pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple"
and I think its gonna take a while
but I think I will get used to it
to the change, the pressure, the people
but is loss worth the cost?
is the gain worth the pain?

will I finally feel that I am home here
only to leave again
for somewhere else
will the cost be worth the loss?
will the gain be worth the pain?

new people.. i miss the old ones... one thing that this past week has done for me was shown me how much I changed... and I have...

and to add the the happiness of the past week,... we got the wedding invitation today, and guess who has to go??? @#$% kill me now... I need to be trashed before I even think about getting ready for the thing to make it through almost 10 hours with the mob...

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

We're taught to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
You know your love's run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true

Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all
the empty things disguised as me


I dk, cant get it out of my head...feeling lost...and sleepy
when does it end?

wow... funeral today.... was hard... almost broke my heart....I take over peoples away msgs.... yes... free falling, sad girl.


Here i lie watching the cars on the highway
You're one of those lights that's driving away
I'm standing in the dark wondering where you are



and my sister is talking alot so I am off to do my duty... ttyl


he's the lie the brought me to the edge, will I ever love again?
^a very haunting, very true song....almost fell again the other day...dk why, mayb cuza everything... i dk but not anymore... it too much of an illusion...

omg...I cant believe this...now I know why I was so upset on thurs...

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal its so unfair

And it feels,And it feels like
Heavens so far away
And it feels,Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that youve gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven’s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you’ve gone away

Steph babe...I miss you so much, I cant believe you're gone, I love you hun, and always will.
R.I.P 10.17.87-3.11.05


and it hasn't truly hit me yet....it's so unreal, the stats were so high for recovery, it couldnt have happened, but it did...it was completely unexepected. DAMN! I look at everything, and why did she get this? I mean she didnt even choose it. It was completely out of the blue. Like I think of how I'll never see her sn again, never get another call or txt...she'll never go to prom or graduate, she wont get to read all the Harry Potter books or get her license, she'll never see her senior pictures...But maybe she did what she was supposed to do and God said aight ur done, no more earth and suffering and pain for you...and took her. When I think more about it that stuff, I dont think it matterd to her as much as it does to me...but it's still hard... she was supposed to LIVE damnit!!

Stephanie, you were an amzing person, never down even through all the shit you went through...I admire so much for that, and you are in a much better place. You were too good for us down, you were too good for earth and its pain, now you are where you deserve to be, w/o pain...I treasure all the memories I have of you and never want to forget you...babe...no matter what you thought we loved you...and u loved us back even better...I dk what I am gna do w/o u hun, these past couple weeks were hard and fun, we got so much closer and I am so glad I knew you! and that you are now whre you belong...you and ur beatiful soul...I will miss you, I already do..., Goodbye hun...I love you like a sister...rest in peace, you deserve it more than anyone

and that's what happens when you lose it
u are pushed to the breaking piont
bending over backwards
pressured and overwhelmed
alone and flaling
u fall apart...
and after a while, eventually
u find the pieces
get some glue
and put them back together
wash away the hurt
and stains of the past
and with some help
you are whole again
ready to start again...
to face it all again...
^the story of tonight...still not all the way back to the beginning yet...but I am on my way...sry If I scared anyone esp Roger...but it been so bad this week, what with all this stuff and everyone, and tonight I just lost it all...thnx hun...

And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

sooo ya.. got into it with one of my favorite people today..actually that would be one of my least favorite people

um ya went to LV and got lost coming home in millvale..lol who does that? the entire time I was like sure go this way w/e....

cant remember the song i wanted in here but involved the line "you just dont care any more", fitting for past couple days for the certain few...(notice its plural so its not who u probably think it is)

emmm its amazing how things change.. like w/in a week or even a few hours...nothing stays real anymore it all fades away...

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

omg I'm breaking down... save me? mayb baby? please...