fajah...how is it you are never happy with anything I do? I know, I know... I grew up. Well sorry, newsflash, that's part of life. and yes we did used to be real close and I wish that we could still be that close but we aren't. Like.. I dont even know what to say around you anymore (O God) like I cant talk to you because all we ever do is disagree, all we ever do is argue about the stupidest things. All you ever do is criticize me, my life, my friends, my schoolwork, my attitude, how I dress, how I act, ME! It's like you just cant deal with the person I've become, and that makes me sad. I thought I was doing the best I could but when I try to come and show you, you throw it back in my face; like all I ever do is never good enough for you. That's another thing why is it whenever I do try to talk to you or ask a question, or show you something good why do you just blow it off? It's always just "umm good job" or "very nice" But when Ben does something good in sports or Colleen gets an A on a test for the 294720740 time you get all excited and happy? That doesnt give me much motivation to come back and try again. It's like we're stuck in a circle, you're angery cuz I dont talk to you, (cuz you criticize me) and I'm angery cuz you're angery so you yell somemore and I dont talk to you cuz you're yelling so then you just get angerier...I'm sry I think differently than you, and act differently and wear different clothes, and hang out with different ppl, (oh hold on, lemme take a minute here. I met most of my close friends AT CHURCH!!!! remember church is a good place??? cant you just trust me? cant you just trust them? like the whole prom thing... sry just hada get that in too), and cant stand the whole "big stock family" thing (but hey, gotta say something again, they dont exactly make it enjoyable for me to be around them) and am a different person than you want me to be. But I'm still your daughter, you're supposed to love me no matter what, whether I grow up or act how you want. And I'm trying, maybe not as hard as I should, but it's not easy when you wont let me...
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
great quotes of the day
[I think I have an oral fixation]...lol kay, gloria, and lauren
[you're killing me anne, you're killing me]...julie
[applechild]...lol danielle
anna nalick = absolutly amzing..!!!!
so ya.. danielle wants me to come to pictures with her? *shrug* whatever...heh
if girls only have one choice of companions on this earth why is it someone as stupid as guys??? seriously who says crap like "idk how to talk to you anymore"? or ignores ppl or who is just a complete ass?? or totally desperate? why cant we have someone ... smarter?!? phewww
so today... um nothing special... hada a study for gym and got some work done, decided i really do hate my religion teacher cause he picks favorites and ignores everyone else, and came home and my gram was here...and now I am on the way to my brother's middle school play... WooT -_-
dont try and control me... it wont get you anywhere. I'm not here so you can make me perfect. I wont have everything you hate about today brainwashed into me. I'm almost effing 18, dont try and dress me. I'm a big girl! I'm not gna be your perfect little daughter NO. I'm gna be me. If you dont like it then deal with it... you missed your chance to change me... infact I think you've done enough damage already...I am who I am and I like it...so get over it...the way I think, act, dress, that all shows who I am. dont try to change it, dont try to change me, just let me be myself. If i want to dress in t-shirts and jeans LET me... I'm not gna look pretty just to please you. I'm gna look like I want to and if that means sloppy let it be. Sry that's not who I am... dont try and make me something I'm not.. I do try and you just get mad cuz I'm pouty well guess why..?? cuz I'm not happy!
dont try to control me...I'm not the perfect daughter and never will be...let it be
*runs of to turn on loud music and get her taco*
i try to let it go but i dont know if i can take it
cause the way you looked at me
made me see that i cant really fake it
though it looks as if its over...
I need out of my house I would rather not live here... especially this summer. o well more homework...
ooo man... I think I give up/get frustratd to easily... however when I try it hurts.... so here I am, stuck in the middle
awards sucked... spent the entire time messing around and then my mom freaked out cuz I was being "rude" whatever... BITE ME. She's mostly cool but i dk it still just gets to me. Like the Tom Petty concert and the midnight star wars thing... (which was part of the orginal effing plan) like seriously I am 17 I think I can take care of myself.
o well gtg... thnk I'm going to the liquor store with my mom and my aunt...who I swear have been drinking all day...
*sigh*
eh... crappy day and gna get much worse. We have awards ceremony at 7pm and its school awards and sports awards... so I'll sit there for two hours doing nothing when I could be home watching my effing perfect sister recieve every effing freshman award... *sigh* the downside of being related to a perfect genius...
oh... and last night... dont even get me started :/ o man....
my moms home with pizza...so I'm out kids!
wow and it seems like everythings falling apart. and I know its still aways off but its really not. Time flies. damn time...I dont want it to end... there isn't enough time to say goodbye
[i don't know if living makes me happy.
i don't know if anything's exactly what it needs to be.
when it comes to me. she is a god to me.
i waited for so long.
i don't know if living makes much sense now.
i can't say a thing in its defense now cause it gets to me.
that i used to be so extra-sensory.
i knew it all along. that nothing could go wrong.
when i look into those eyes. nothing seems like a surprise.
when i look into those eyes. nothing seems like a surprise.
i don't think that living's too attractive.
i don't think that god is interactive and it gets to me.
that i used to be so extra-sensory.
i knew it all along. that nothing could go wrong.
nothing could go wrong. nothing could go wrong.]
TO DO
english portfolio
'My Sister's Keeper' Organ paper
'Angels and Demons' science vs. religion pssay
Holocaust essay
College essay
study for trig final
type spanish corrections
'Taming of The Shrew' movie/movie/bo
just kill me.. I want it all to be over....
no , NO! I lied... cuz when its over its summer, then fr. matt leaves and when summer ends everything ends, everyone deserts me, everything changes...so for once I dont want school to end...
ok definently just had hotdogs and hamburgers for the 4th time in week.. :(...not feeling too hottttt
wow crazy CraZy weekend...
Friday-come home, leave to fill out applications at Sorgels, come home, make dinner, get my hair cut, come home, take shower, greet company, talk to company (my aunt, uncle, and cousin), go to bed
saturday-wake up, wander down to breakfast, take a nap in the kitchen on the table while everyone else easts breakfast, wander summmore, help everyone get ready to leave for the church, mom leaves to take my brother to a soccer game, try to do some hw, feed paul, dad, colleen, rose, and aunt, uncle and elissa leave for church wedding, sit by myself for a bit listening to very loud music, do some chores, talk to jess, talk to mom (who is still at the soccer game) wake up paul, do my hair, take pictures, get dressed, leave for the wedding reception >.< get to the wedding reception, find my table, decide i dont want to sit at my table as it contains my cousin Jess, his girlfriend (annoying like Omg Omg in a high squeaky voice), 3 other looking angery cousins, and jess's like 26 yr old sister, so go and sit with my parents and my uncle paul and his grandkids (=sooo cute!), eat, watch them dance, wonderful tonight comes on, sit there and wish i was at semi, dance (some) wander outside to find my uncle frank and we have a very deep conversation about steph and my pap as we take turns drinking his whiskey, wander back inside, talk to mi madre, dance, wander back outside to see uncle frank who has a LOT more whiskeys by this time and decides that I need a drink too, we go into the bar and i get some wine, watch my parents leave, sit around, dance to shout and watch uncle frank go crazy on the dance floor (lying on his back kicking and waving his hands...goodd timess) end dancing, say goodbye for a 1/2 hour and leave, get home, watch some SNL, shower, sleep... finallly
Sunday-wake up, everyone cept colleen and I leave for chruch, breakfast, homework, everyone else returns, aunt, uncle and elissa leave for the airport, get ready for the party for my dad's birthday, do summore hw, aunt shelia and her kids and gramma comes, few minutes later uncle chuck and brittany (my cousin) show up (party at the stock house), played indian ball for a bit, ate, got ready for church, said goodbye to cousins etc. and went to church, have a deep conversation with brittany (papalia) about friends, find out fr. matt is leaving (NOOOOOO, *_*, saddness, we are sooo transferring to st. bonnies!!!!!), do the skit (ehh I hate vasline and my purse smelled funny), more friends talk, singing, praying over fr. matt and bernadette (why was everyone crying about bernadette?? i musta missed it) circle thing, singing, leave, home, sleep.........
tell me that's not insane...
And I cant let you, let me down again
and I'm not gna be able to do this.... *whines*... I DONT WANT TOOOOO......da
In such a bad mood and off do stupid chores and get ready for the stupid wedding >.<
kIndOfObscEnE: yep lying to yourself is a great way to ensure mental stability<---advice for the day
The light you bring, Falls on me
so ya.. havent been here in a bit...my life was interesting, crazy, fun, well just read on..
wednesday-got in big trouble with dad and pulse, hada go to church
thrusday-hada go to church again and went out to dinner with the grandparents
friday-went to kennywood *meh* then gates came over and we went to tastee freez *WOOT* and brittany let us in cuz she's awsum.. well jen let us but whatever? then back to my house
Saturday-took the SATs and NASH and the stupid lady made me throw out my coffee >.<grrrr... came home and got ready for prom ^_^ then bill came over... omg i swear there was like 15 ppl at my house, I think it scared him... then we went to gates's for pictures and then to prom which was very fun... bill dances ^_^ kinda a surprise, but definantly fun all the same...then we went to eatn'park, yes by ourselves then home
sunday-mothers day... went to church and got yelled at cuz i talk too much? whatever.. everyone was back from college *meh*
monday-school and shopping with my mom and jess and her mom.. a very crazy two hours
today-.....ever have one of those days that just suck? well taht was today...everyo
all night long I've been searching for the answer, to the questions you never asked, and we never planned on this disaster, when will I let it go?
the white crayon.
the crayon that just sits in the box. has no purpose. who wants to use the white crayon? why would any one want a crayon that won't color anything? it just blends in with the paper. go and get a box of crayons. look closely at the white crayon. although it is never used, it looks quite beat up. it looks this way because it always ends up shoved to the corner of the box where it is hard to get it out. it is this way because all of the other crayons are in continuous use, being pulled out and put back in. the white crayon never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment. but please, don't feel bad for the white crayon. it is simply waiting for it's time to shine, when all of the other colors will just fade away on the dark colored paper. even the most vibrant and wonderful of colors will be of no use. only the white crayon will work. the white crayon really does not receive enough recognition. in a way, it is a foundation. take your white crayon and draw some thick lines on dark paper. then take a more vibrant color and color over that white. you can now see the color, can't you? so let's take this time to recognize the white crayon.
now don't really drop to your knees and thank your white crayon. but think about all of the white crayon's in your life. those you have pushed around, those who are always there when you need them, and even more so when you don't. or, maybe you are a white crayon. awaiting your time to shine. don't feel bad about being disregarded and pushed around, just hold your head high and understand that there are going to be scuffs and shoves in life, but also understand that being the white crayon is a good thing. you will never be torn down, broken, and overused, and in the end you will stand taller than the rest.
[Whisper Sweet Nothings]
ooo man... prom is gna be so awkward -_- hmmm *sighs*
that girl will be the death of me... like GOD!!! I cant even say anything more about her... she's lucky I'm lazy and dont feel like walking to her house to egg it or stink bomb it or, or, or,...*goes off to find food* or SOMETHING!!!!!
Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
definintely reminds me of last night....
wow... nice job and 3 claps for the computer... way to shut down randomly
hola...crazy weekend with family in Tionesta at the camp. Here's some highlights
-Burning like 6 mattresses outside in the middle of the woods until like 11 at night
-Sleeping on the couch in front of the fire and being blamed for not keeping the fire going
-Being woken up random times at night b/c the fire was out and for some reason you need to crumple newspaper (which by the way makes a very loud noise) to restart it
-Being woken up by Neko (the big happy rotweiler) with a big slobbery dog kiss
-uncle chuck changes the score of the card game and it takes my dad like 5 minutes to figure it out
-the pouring rain for like 3 hours while we fish
-Robber humping Neko (dogs)
-the crazy guy that threatend to kill Robber and Neko if they killed some other guy's chickens and my uncle looking like he wants to punch him in the face
-me putting body wash in my hair instead of shampoo
-Jen's impression of the family
-Micheal's iraq stories
-Jen trying to vaccum up the million lady bugs only to find that more appeared
-sitting around watching the bug zapper on friday night
-Micheal practically forgetting his wedding in like 2 weeks
-manwhore
-heather getting a bruise from a baseball hat
-the uncles convening outside to dicuss where to put the pool and hottub they want to put in
-my dad's awsum hat he got from my uncle that says lube master O.o...yaa
so that would be it... the weekend... spent with 17 members of my family.
got home round 1 unpacked and went to lifeteen... woot!
taht would be my weekedn
omg.. I still have no idea what hell I am doing for PROMM!!!!!!! ahhh!!!!!!!!!
today was in general pretty good. Did tons of errands with my prom to get random stuff for this weekend and prom before I leave and my grandparents come in etc etc.. O yes very good thing got the "true Parallels" disc by Trust Co. very good!
umm yesterday was one of the most interesting days in while... it was total randomness! and we talked about childbirth in 2 periods...ever
well i gtg pack for this weeknd, Do you know it is supposed to rain, and THunderStorm on saturday!!!!??
lata babes<3
erghhh... have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely hate living at my house???
parents are stupid... I will never become one... and If I do I will NOT EVER NEVER EVER not allow my child to go to a once in a lifetime concert with # (yes that's in code you idiot!) of her closest friends including the love of her life! for no apparent good, makes sense reason...ARGHG
do you know it man?
"Nothing is wrong in my life, its just that nothing is right. Everyone around me is so happy. I think I am too. Its like I dont even know me anymore. When I look in the mirror I feel like Im staring at someone else. I havent changed or anything. Thats a lie. If Ive changed, I dont even know. Maybe I have?
Everything feels the same. But then again, everything seems so different. Its like everything around me is changing so quickly, and I dont know how to catch up.
I feel like Im in a ,dream, where everything is moving in slow motion. Im sitting on the sidelines just watching everything go by, and I cant change any of it. I have no control over my life, over myself. I hate it. And at the same time, I dont think I even care."-EC
not my words... but it feels like i finally found a way to describe how I feel... too bad someone else had to do it for me...
smile like you mean it (do do doooo dodo dod o do dod) ..umm right... moving on.
i love ppl, especailly the stupid petty, egotistic, self centered one that go to my school. speaking of which we had another amzing lunch..
julie "I'm not black"
Arline "waht are you trying to say" *pushes jullie*
Julie "nothing! I just wana be Black but no ones listening"
I Want to go to the TOM EFFING PETTY CONCERT WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and umm... those other ppl! wait i rememeber billl and adamm, WHATEVER I STILL WANT TO GO!!!! and get stoned and and and... GTRRRRRR i want to go... and I shall miss them terribly when they are gone
lifeteen last night... fun and then school today bleh... my life... school,home, sleep, school home sleep, *repeat until weekend* sleep, home, lifeteen, sleep school
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because
the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them
all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't
dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature
anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump
is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you
can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they
are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for
directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
cheque books.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright,
I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't
even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just
practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be,
you look familiar.""
[Kurin]
send lawyers guns and money...
I really wanna go to that effing concert... thnx mom -_-
[do dreams come true once you wake up?...if they do, I guess I'm still asleep...]
"dark matter has a gravitational effect on other objects. You can't see it, you cant feel it but you can watch something being pulled in it direction"...f
it's offical... I'm going away next weekend with my family to el campo...meh still cant decide whether this is good or bad
working..but its only and excuse, not that it would have changed anything...I hate myself
same old boring day...went to target, got something to wear to the demon wedding, cleaned the bathroom, talked to a couple ppl on, did some reading for school, and am now spending my night doing some homework...WOO
it's really because there are some nights when you just want to know there's someone besides you in this wide world
its complicated...
an interesting new developement..
colleen...*sig
hmmmm.. well got lotsa books today. Reading is a very good way to occupy your time when you have no life, homework works too...
right so today=boring like every other day. and tha's all for now for folks