its starting.... pic-ca-nica today.

and its startng already, I feel so little compared to my family, like I just disappear whenever i'm around them. I cant get a word in, and it just seems like i just disappear...and no one cares that i'm there...only when i'm not to ppl seem to notice

o well offf to pic-a-nica

*eye twitch*

*twitch*




*twitch*

what?? their back?? they're not supposed to be here until tomoro night!!! and the car is making crazy noises and my mom is freaking out, and my dad's ear is killing him, and all the stuff doesnt fit into the dishwasher, and and and and I'm going insane...there are 3 girls under 10 in the basement...

*runs around like a crazy person until she gets dizzy and falls over*

ooo God....does it ever end??/

here's more.... out of order but wth?

ok found out some info and I know I promised but here's summore on glenn:God we effed up...dude all I wanted after I realized we werent gna happen was to be your friend again. BUt you were too concerned with yourself and what you thought I thought to see that..and probably you never cared as much as I thought you did and probably I shouldnt have expected as much as i did, but we screwed up...and even now I still cant seem to reach you...[I dont wana drag this out / I never wanted it to end this way / and even if I wanted to / i dont think I could get to you / there's nothing I can say to you to make all this right again / maybe I was holding on too tight / dont just say goodbye / just turn your back away and leave / and if you're lucky I'll be ur last regret / I guess that this is over now / I guess its called a fall'n out / and every day I'm learning how to make it through this life again]

family: why the hell cant i even be accepted by my own famiy?!? and to be brutally honest (and a terrible person) I really dont want gram to stay here that much. Dude seriously, how do 8 ppl live in one house in 2005?? an 84 yr old woman, 2 40 something yr olds, 1 rebel teen, 1 perfect teen, 1 perfect son, 1 crazy/cute 6 yr old, and 1 insane, growling, TV line saying, picky, tantrum throwing 4 yr old, now tell me how does that work????? cuz I cant/dont see it guys...*heavy sigh* just cuz i dont want it to happen doesnt mean I'm gna be all angery to gram and hate her for it. If I was doing that I'd be hating Frank, but I cant. In fact I damn well sympathize with the guy. Who in their right mind wants to be 50 something and live with their mother-in-law and wife??? not that I agree with how he did it, cursing and yelling at an 83 yr old, but still Caroline is enough to deal with. Speak of the devil, she could at least thank my mom for doing this...when her husband kicked her out...[This is all I can take.... / I push my fingers into my eyes / It’s the only thing / That slowly stops the ache / But it’s made of all / The things I have to take / Jesus it never ends / It works it's way inside / If the pain goes on / I’m not gonna make it! / All I’ve got / All I’ve got Is InSanE]

but ya that's been life...

numb...so much has happend...will tell more later..must go sleep to prepare for the day ahead...oooo God, its coming

I REALLY LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!!

[Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.]

O GOd... It's been a while so lets seeeeeee....

kennywood>>awsum! spent lotsa time with Rj which was fun cuz he was nice to me and congrats dude... you waited wayyyy toooo long! dont regret it. I LOVE LAUREN!!! and missed miss brittany lyn very much! the exterminator is a very brutal ride esp with four ppl and when 3 of them are guys...you spin alot. umm katherine got angery even though she had tea. cangilla talked to me (surpriseingly)and frannie was tolerable. so ya... prettyy good day
jess's camp>>interesting. she is one scary lady...and then there was the drunk lady who came into our tent and laid all over our stuff O.o...yaa. Then the ppl in cars driving in circles around our tent at like 2am..grr.. jess's mom and aunts got soo mad we left at like 9 instead of like 2pm.yaaa
4th of July>>meh..went to the pool...happy america day
yesterday evning>>ooooo very intersing saw...are you ready for this?.... nick luft!!! o God...that kid talks sooo much! but ya...if you know him...i'll tell you more but otherwise its too boring!

and that's been life. today there's a confirmation mtg, maybe we'll get to holy rangers...right

gates...kid your gna make it...i'll be here for ya! <3ya hun! and we gotsa finish the scrapbook!!!!!!!

*gos off to find lyrics*

Tried a thousand times
Used a million lines
Trying to explain
'Cause they don't have a word
For the kind of hurt
That never goes away

When I try to think it though
It all comes back to you
I don't know why goodbye's so hard to understand
This pain I have is real
And I'll tell you how it feels
If I ever get the chance

It's like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

I could drive a hundred miles
And never touch that dial
'Till the station fades
'Cause nothing that I hear
Will ever make it clear
Words just slip away

And the more I think it through
The more I think of you
I dont know why goodbye's so hard to understand
You're never hard to find
'Cause you're always on my mind
No matter where I am

Just like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

It's like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

~Hanna-McEuen~
*thnx sarah...sweet song*

God I hope you're happy, I hope to hell you're happy. I hope you're happy with your-damn-self. And ya I may be bitter but I was also used. And just to let you know...This is it... I think this time I can safely say I'm done...done doubting, done hoping, done wishing you away. Thnk you, even though you are a total effing hypocrit, you're actions helped me to see to that with you there is no hope; no hope of ever getting back to what we were...so I'm done. Dont eff w/her the way you effed with my head...damn hypocrit who cant balance his own goddamn life...why did I ever think I could let you into mine?

*(self doubt speaks) not really used, maybe there was something*

and maybe he's just an ass

*ya but that's him*

no effing excuse...you cant just stop being friends with someone...you can stop liking them, but there is no reason just to flat out stop talking to someone

*...ya*

so the pt of my little rant...yup kids I think I can say I'm done here. For a while I was fine, it was pushed under the surface, but now I'm done...there's nothing I can do to change the past, and its not worth regretting...so this is the last entry you'll have to read about it...Goodbye to you..and good riddance

[so scared to hope, only to screw up again,
too lonely for love, to just let this feeling go]

so ya...Jesus camp was fun, met lotsa awsum ppl! that i have to stay in touch with b/c they are freaking ammmmzzzzinggggg
+Jim Caviezl
+"pretty girls that wont date you on monday
+429
+bobbi jo what does ur butt have to say about that???
+gordita crunch
+"i'll call my friend, who can find my youth minister, who took our youth group out for chinese for dinner, so he'll know the number, and we can get it, and get chinese!...or we could just look it up in the phone bookkkk" (we were desperate baby!)
+RooMYYY
+pop-a-squat...yes mom
+Hey Jude....
+no mattt,....no squeaky laugh! u'll scare ppl!
+brian with a nylon on his leg
+my candle blowing out
+Shiniqua!
+Dear Brian. You complete me.........check yes, no, or maybe. your secret admirer....PS cant wait till monday
+noise game!
+musk stinks!

buttttt yyaaaa.... i do have somethings that need worked on...they confuse me.... I know i might be able to fix one or at least find the answer to it...but idk if I will like it??? but the other needsss much more work...requires time and spending it with certain ppl....to see if its even a problem at all....or if I'm wrong and its not really gna work out...

I hope I can follow all this through...

Jesus camp Tomorrow!!!

SECTION 1 ABOUT YOURSELF
+ Known as: anne
+ Lives in: pgh pa...home of the pixsburgH stillers
+ FiRST BREATH: 11/22/87
+ School: Mount hellvernia--aka--the basement academy
+ Hair color: dark brown
+ Eye color: chocolate brown
+ Style: grunge...I suppose, NOT preppy
+ Fears: ending up alone with no friends


SECTION 2 HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Been Cheated on? nope
+ Fallen off the bed? of course
+ broken someone's heart? wouldn't know
+ Had your heart broken? i guess soo, maybe, actually several times i suppose
+ Had a dream come true? ....
+ Done something you regret? being born among other things
+ Cheated on a test? like in first grade


SECTION 3 CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing? royal blue soffee shorts and an orange T with black writing
+ Listening to? brian
+ Located? in the chair
+ Chatting with? ooo everyyone darrlinngg....all six of my imaginary friends have decided to stay home on friday night as well
+ Watching? me type this
+ Should REALLY be doing? writng my testimony or sweeping


SECTION 4 DO YOU...
+ Brush your teeth? yes
+ Like anybody? been there, done that, and it never works and is an effing waste of time and pain...(and she wonders why she has no boyfriend? take a damn risk girl!!!)
+ Have any piercing? 2 per ear
+ Drive? not in the stock household..heaven effing forbid
+ Drink? should start, living here, being a memeber of my family could drive you to
+ Smoke? second hand but not really
+ Got a pager? no


SECTION 5 FRiENDS...
+ Who is your best? gates, brittany, jess, sarah, adam, bill, rj, julie, erica, gloria
+ Who do you hate? dont ask me that now, cuz i'll probably answer
+ Who is the shyest? ME definantly
+ Who is the most talkative? kayleen
+ Who is the cutest? jess
+ Who laughs the most? brittany, or jess
+ Who have you known the longest? gates <3
+ Who have you known the shortest? glenn
+ Who do you miss the most? glenn (like the real one, pre-prom) or tyler
+ Who do you go to with personal problems? brittany, gates, jess
+ Do you hang out with the opposite sex? yea.. how else would i survive mt. hellvernia?
+ Do you trust your friends? yes
+ Are you a good friend? i hope so
+ Can you keep a secret? yes


SECTION 6 THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged? fr. matt
+ Kissed? my brother OO like really? glenn
+ IMed? jess
+ Talked on the phone? brittany
+ Yelled at? colleen or rose
+ Fell in love with? .......


SECTION 7 PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? me
+ What has been the best day of your life? finishing sophomore year alive, getting out of st. alexis, kennywood (anytime), that saturday in april
+ What comes first in your life? I'd like to say God, but at the moment probably myself
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? no...well maybe...idk anymore..ok ok i figured it out... I have a crush on an illusion of a person
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? whatever I am listening to
+ How many times have you fallen in love? .... couple I suppose, though i dont think anyone has fallen in love with me... (would you please stop asking me these questions??? its only making me more depressed)
+ Love your family? mostly
+ Love your friends? my true family...yes!


SECTION 8 FAVORITE...
+ Movie: arthur, Star wars, anything with harrison ford/johnny depp, miss congeniality (=me) matrix triliogy
+ Song: pancake song..totally describes my life, miracle
+ Group: CKY/breaking benjamin now
+ Store: target . hot topic . anything that sells T's jeans, and food
+ Relative: o God, does this question apply to me???? probably my uncle chuck or badass uncle PJ
+ Sport: FOOTBALLL baby!
+ Ice Cream Flavor: mint choc. chip
+ Fruit: grapes or oranges or apples
+ Candy: hershey kisses (true PA girl ~_^)
+ Holiday: christmas
+ Day of the Week: thrusday or sunday
+ Time of day: sunrise/set... 1am
+ Color: red/black/blue..any shade
+ Name for a Girl: lorelai
+ Name for a Boy: will
+ Quote: "that's the thing about life there are some things worth dying for and som that aren't and when u lose your ability to make that distinction you are something less than human."


SECTION 9 DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? umm hmm and to be hugged
+ Like to give kisses? lol sure...
+ Like to walk in the rain? omg yes!
+ Prefer black or blue pens? BLAck
+ Like to travel? ehh depends who I'm with and where I'm going ... for instance going to Indiana with my family... noooo, but going to sayyy australia with gates and brittany o yess
+ Sleep on your side, tummy or back? side
+Think you're attractive? no, but i like the way i look, mostly
+ Have a goldfish? no
+ Ever have the falling dream? sometimes
+ Have stuffed animals? of course


SECTION 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
+ Abortion: ooo that's a big no no ooooo
+ Smoking: eh... might be ok to try but very expensive for someone with limited funds (cough me cough)(no pun intended)
+ Eating Disorders: sad, but if someone has that much of a need for acceptance then there was something else wrong in their life to begin with
+ Suicide: sad that no one else took the time to see through the facade
+ Summer: hott, pool, tan, no school
+ Tattoos: want them... gross if on old ppl that have them everywhere...but mostly neato
+ Piercings: dont overdo it.. i do want more


SECTION 11 THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue? tongue.. i know.. but i still think its cool...nose is overdone
+ Single or taken? ... (depressing question) dk
+ MTV or BET? not a big tv person
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? ewww niether
+ Sugar or salt? umm water (ya that would be the weird mood talking)
+ Silver or gold? silver
+ Chocolate or flowers? umm alchol...lol
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? desaturated... photoshop junkies'll get it (hint: see my house)
+ Stay up late or sleep in? both! but stay up late
+ Hot or cold? cold, so i can bundle up and be cozy
+ Sun or moon? Moon
+ Left or Right? wth?
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? ...that is an issue with me at the moment...dk
+ Mustard or ketchup? HEINZ ketchup BIACH (lil pgh girl showing through)
+ Spring or Fall? Fall
+ Happy or sad? Happy
+ Wonder or amazement? wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? burger king
+ Mexican or Italian food? mexican!
+ Lights on or off? off
+ Candy or soda? soda
+ Pepsi or Coke? pepsi

and this is exactly what I mean... If I took the chance that coulda been me...damn... i hate myself...may as well just go hole up in some dark cave and stare into the blackness for the rest of my life...Owait..mayb that's what I've been doing all along...

I'm so lost
I'm barely here
I wish I could explain myself
But words escape me
It's too late
To save me
You're too late
You're too late

why is it that you feel the most lonely at the worst possible times? seriously why do I feel so alone? I have so many friends but I still feel like I am the only one here, left alone again. while everyone else is out with their boyfriend, working, or just having a damn good time, I'm here, by myself, doing nothing. The worst part of it all is that its mostly my fault, if I would take a few more risks, or just be a little more outgoing I might just have that. But I am too cautious, not willing to risk anything for everything... if I did I'd have my license, I wouldnt be sitting at home now, hell maybe I'd even have a boyfriend...but no...I'm just home, alone, again,...gna be a long summer

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing i have

If u believe its in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

Last person who;;
Slept in your bed : my sister who has an odd fascination with sleeping in my bed instead of hers O.o
Saw you cry : brittany
Knew you were crying : ditto
Spent the night at your house : some random family member maybe gram?
You shared a drink with : ummm....cant remember
You went to the movies with : jess and chrissy
You went to the mall with : my mom
Yelled at you : probably my dad
Sent you an e-mail : the weather.com ppl


Have You Ever...
Been to Florida : no
California : I wish
Been to Hawaii : maybe... do they have good umm medicine?
Been to Japan : No
Been to China : to get my one of my children
Been to Canada : only on days that end in y
Danced naked : all the time

A few questions;;
Last time you went out of the state : april
Lucky number : umm dont have one?
What you look for in a guy/girl - um tall, funny, drives, idk i suppose its one of those things you can just tell, someone who will talk, umm not being afraid of my massive family
Weirdest thing about you : myself, my sense of humor
What book are you reading now : i needa get a new one
What's on your mouse pad - my mouse u idiot
Favorite board game : sorry
Favorite magazine - uhhh sure...maybe that one that gloria had the one that had scott weiland in it that she was having mind-sex with in the middle of the bookstore
Worst feeling in the world : being on the outside looking in, knowing that you have to do the one thing that you never wanted to, regret, rejection,lonely
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning : where am I? why am I awake?
Do you like scary or exciting roller coasters - umm scary
How many rings before you answer : 1-3
Chocolate or vanilla -vanilla
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal : yes
What are you going to do after you finish this survey : find more colleges to visit
What was the last food you ate : um a chewy thingy
How many buddies are on : 60
Last movie you saw : theaters--> pants movie / at home--> some random midway history movie my dad was watching
You get embarrased when : i cant think of anything to say or i dont know anyone
What upsets you - reallyyy preppy preps, my siblings, rules, stupid ppl, annoying ppl, and lotttss of other stuff
Do you like to cook : eh.. maybe sorta, if its easy, otherwise I'm moving in with a gay chef heh...
Do you have a secret you have not shared with anyone - probably
Do you set your watch a few minutes ahead : if i remember...but then i'm always early
Do you believe in love - of ppl? for some... I think everyone has that one thing in life that just does it for them, it could be a person or a job or God or flowers, or cooking or whatever but as for me... if it's out there..I haven't found it yet


What is...
Your most overused phrase on IM - ya..
Your best feature - my arms cuz they're really tan now.. and I like arms
Take a shower everyday : ya
Want to get married - eh not at the moment and probably never
Have any tattoos/where- Not yet
Piercing/where : Ears but i want more like maybe my belly button and maybe my eyebrow, cept i cant decide if i like the way it looks
Get along with your parents- my mom yes, mostly, my dad hardly ever


When you see this name you think of;;
Ryan : umm interesting
Heather- evil bitch princess, my hated cousin
Aaron : backstreet boys
Jordan : ....
Chip : kirk, republican, killing things, stories
Amy : poser (aw) funny kid who thought i should go to NASH and had very interesting friends (scholl)
Eve : ...*blanks out*
Eric - my cousin who i hardly ever see
Megan : jess's sister
Sierra : Mist
Name : uhhh
Natural hair color : dark brown
Current haircolor : Dark brown w/fading red streaks
Eye color - chocolate brown


Preferences;;
Cuddle or makeout : depends on who, where
chocolate milk or hot chocolate : Hot chocolate
Milk, dark or white chocolate - Milk chocolate, even though its bad for you

In the last 48 hours, have you...
Cried - not since sunday
Bought something : yes
Gone to the movies - no
Gone out for dinner : no
Said "I love you" : ummmm no
Written a real letter : no
Talked to an ex - no
Missed an ex : no
Had a serious talk - yes with myself
Missed someone - sorta
Hugged someone : yes
Fought with the parents : cant remember
Fought with a friend : No

*tan* hehe... [I <3 SummEr]

went the pool with my brother and his friends..that was exhausting! soo umm ya other than that nothing too much has been going on... ya just wasting time I guess...

6*more days till Young Apostles WOOOTTT!!!

R-I-G-H-T-E-O-U-S-B!!!!

*hears siren and sighs* the parent police have struck again preventing me from leaving my house when all I've done all day is spend time with the family... WoooT

unfortunately they strike again and I am being forced to get off of the one device that can connect me to the outside world

As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams

Lyrics for "One More Line"
Take the photographs, from the shattered glass
A pixelation of your face, another memory displaced
Disgraced is how i feel to think your inosense seems so real
I dont know who you are

Cause I'm lost in this moment
I'm lost in your stories
I use to think higher of you
Your running too fast now in the wrong direction
How could you do this to us

[I dont know this person you've become]
I don't know if I can .:trust:. you again
Just one more line might kill you
Just one more Line and then you will see this needs to stop

Confessing the burden
You chose to pretend
Breathe in a taste your breathe
As you haste away your death
Disgraced is how I feel
To think your inocense seems so real
I dont know who you are

How could you...
How could you do this to me?

By : the scene

There's gotta be something more
((Gotta be more than this))
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss.

bored out of my mind, babysitting the zoo...woooHOOo aren't I a winner on the night after I get out of school?.... yup, yup you know it...and these freaking pictures wont scan!

[I want...]
my license
ice cream
my own room
a new camera
a car
a boyfriend**
more freedom
a new phone
no summer reading
to sleep
a scanner

arrgghhh...not going to school tomorow..even though that would technically be the last day...I'm going to church instead, hard choice ey? like I'm freaking Canadian ey? w/e then maybe back to lauren's to work on the book? ey? ooo ya... *runs off to find lyrics*

oya... "money doesn't buy class".<<--quote of the eff'n day BIACH!

stupid me....so ya I should be in school being bored out of my mind but whatever...finals today...finals tomoro...done...big sigh....nothing much been going on just feeling a bit confzdlzd over some ppls but what can you do?..dad's been on my back to plan the college tour...like I dont have enough to do right now...welll I should go eat some breakfast then start my day...WOoootttt...pysk

breakfast
school
Physics
lunch
study
religion (yes finnally done with the asss)
home
randomness
brittany's game? with....?
pulse with padre mateo

WOOT for fun day!

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Under the weight of your wings
Should ever we meet on your side of your stereo
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts
And even the way that they mirror my own
I'll take you away in the way that you take me and go where I go

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I'm echoing all your philosophies
And as I fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I'm echoing all your philosophies
And as I...

Oh...

I don't
Wanna be fool-hearted
Baby, I'm out
Numbered in my head
I don't
I don't wanna be fool-hearted
Baby, I'm out
Numbered in my head
My head...

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another night

Yeah, your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Lonely night...

Under the weight of your wings
I make believe you are all that I'll ever need
"In my head"-anna nalick

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