haha.. i might go to florida for spring breakkkkkk wooooottttttttt---and get a tatto while i'm there


but i start school in two days...that sucks... but i might getta see fr. matt for a lunch?


but i have volleyball 2 out of 3 nights left of freedom... grrrr


gtg do some papers

guess what guys? I'm 12... cuz that's the way my dad treats me, like I'm 12, like ben.. hey maybe we're twins...cuz we're the same age!!!.... psychodad

back from "vacation" HA... excuse me laughing... in INdiana woooooo...ooo...o...*snores* and now I start school on effing thrusday... damn basement

ur right gates.. its totaly my song.... even if I try to let go, that involves looking at it... and that hurts, so i never do really let it goo... its just a part of me i deal with...

well i'm off to go to bed...cuz its 10:00 and that's what time 12 yr olds go to bed...so goodnight


O wait I almost forgot.. I've decided I need to meet some new ppl... esp. new guys... so if you are a diary stalker and see this then msg me...


I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

November

"When I Go Down" -- Relient K (heck yes)

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to lift me up again



so.. perfect... HA and ironic... sigh

wow...

chip's a fag? and the gestappo? nicee..... and super concerned about something .... for as much as we make fun of the kid, he is really cool

ammo.....mu...lures .... flsktichs... 50% off


again... you've got my head spinning,
i dk where to go from here
why am i always the person I dont want to be seen as when i'm near him? why am I always the worst possible person? why do i always show my most bad, sarcastic and bitchy side when he's around? but i dont wana be fake, but for somereason its important that i'm perfect...but if its taht important why dont i try harder? and why does it matter to me that i do?...

my stumach hurts

that's not an udder....that's impressive


* i dont understand anymore, it just doesnt all add up, i cant see through the fog, and i damn well wish i could *

wake me up when august ends... swear to God i will be sitting in class that day bawling

andy has a crap car.. the ac's broken, the sunroof doesnt work BUT he has a pimp radio..and tht's all that matters

[dont know why i act the way i do... it's just that i'm in love? with you]

dude.. one word... skirt


hahahaha



going on retreat... umm ya cya in couple days

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about *him*
Most of the time


random idiot::parking? what there's parking? right here? in the middle of the road? OK!
me: NOOOOO *shouts and waves arms* STOP! *stops....looks around.... gives up and wanders away to find ppl*

festival weds-friday. weds was ok...got ice cream thrus was bad... yelled at ppl and was in general very confuzld, but I got off parking early!....friday was boring, brittany and adam didnt show till later, bill and rj left early, paige and steph worked kiddyland, and gates never appeared so i hung out with jess and nick... not that they are boring but it just wasnt the same... nick I swear that kid is crazy prepppy. Saturday was pretty good... parked the crazy ppl til until there were no more spaces and then hung out with brittany, adam, bill, brian, barabus and kim til my dad came and snatched me away. yay.....ben and colleen are home... umm yay...

there is volleyball practice tomorrow ... w00t?


so tired of running after you ...

so how ghetto is this??? i'm locked out of my own myspace!!!!!!!! >.< grrr... i cant get to my mail or my home page..... so ya... kinda angery about that....

trying to be so perfect...cuz I know ur worth it, worth it but i fail anyway...

no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO........STOP....it's worth it...but not realy..there's too much crap...like how i'm realy ignorant whenver I'm there... and I nver seem to be the person i want to be or act like it ... or how its always on my mind








ok so britt about friday... it works both ways.. i fine to talk if he wont ignore me.... otherwise... you know what happens...

finally found some YA pics

life=screwy
me=sore
you=wasthing your time reading about my pathetic life
brittany=amazing
gates=will see you in a few hours

ya.. god...

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to [cry]
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
[Illusion never changed into something real]
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
[There’s just so many things that I can’t touch], I’m torn


I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
[Illusion never changed into something real]
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.torn

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

oya... oyaa... yup that's it

Repost this and put in the subject how many of the following 100 questions you said YES to. Be truthful.

1.smoked a cigarette: 2nd hand

2.smoked a cigar: no

3.made out with a member of the same sex: no

4.crashed a friend's car: no

5.stolen a car: no

6.been in love: i don't think so

7.been dumped: no

8.shoplifted: no

9.been fired: no

10.been in a fist fight: yes

11.snuck out of your house: yes

12.had feelings for someone who didnt have them back: hell yes

13.been arrested: no

14.made out with a stranger: ehhhh

15.gone on a blind date: no

16.lied to a friend: yes

17.had a crush on a teacher: no

18.skipped school: yes

19.slept with a co-worker: no

20.seen someone die: no

21.been on a plane: yes

22.thrown up in a bar: no

23.taken painkillers: yessum

24.love someone or miss someone right now: yes

25.laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by: yes

26.made a snow angel: yes

27.played dress up: yes

28.cheated while playing a game: yes

29.been lonely: yes

30.fallen asleep at work/school: hell ya

31.used a fake id: no

32.felt an earthquake: no

33.touched a snake: yes

34.ran a red light: no

35.been suspended from school: no

36.had detention: no

37.been in a car accident: yes, not my fault

38.hated the way you look: yes

39.witnessed a crime: nope

40.pole danced: no

41.been lost: yes

42.been to the opposite side of the country: no

43.felt like dying: yes

44.cried yourself to sleep: yes

45.played cops and robbers: yes

46.sang karaoke: yes

47.done something you told yourself you wouldn't: yes

48.laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose: yes

49.caught a snowflake on your tongue: yes

50.kissed in the rain: no

51.sing in the shower: yes

52.made love in a park: no

53.had a dream that you married someone: yes

54. glued your hand to something: no

55. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole: no

56.worn the opposite sex's clothes: yes

57.been a cheerleader: eww no

58. sat on a roof top: yes

59. didn't take a shower for a week: no

60.ever to scared to watch scary movies alone: no

61.played chicken: yes

62.been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on: no

63.been told you're hot by a complete stranger: yes....like here

64.broken a bone: no

65.been easily amused: what kind of a question is this......yes

66.laugh so hard you cry: yes

67.mooned/flashed someone: no

68.cheated on a test: yes

69.forgotten someone's name: yes

70.slept naked: no

71.gone skinny dipping : no

72.been kicked out of your house: yes

73.blacked out from drinking: no

74.played a prank on someone: yes

75.gone to a late night movie: no

76.made love to anything not human: no

77.failed a class: no

78.choaked on something you're not supposed to eat: yes

79.played an instrument for more than 10 hours: no

80.cheated on a gf/bf: no

81.ate a whole package of oreos: no

82.thrown strange objects: yes

83.felt like killing someone: yes yes yes yes

84.thought about running away: yes

85.ran away: no

86.did drugs: not technically...but sorta

87.had detention and not attend it: no

88.yelled at parents: yes

89.made parent cry: yes

90.cried over someone: yes

91.owned more than 5 sharpies: yes

92.dated more than 1 person at once: no

93.have a dog: i used to

94.have a cat: no

95.own an instrument: own..not play

96.been in a band: um no

97.had more than 25 sodas in one day: no

98.broken a cd: yes

99.shot a gun: yes..ehehe

100.been on myspace for more than 5 hours: i don't think so...

Everything so blurry
Everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
you Know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene
Wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us but that's not very far

Chorus:
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
Know that I will save you from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us but that's not very far

Chorus:

Nobody told me what to find
Nobody told me what to say
No one showed you where to turn
Told you where to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
No one showed you where to turn
Showed you where to run away

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face
Explain again to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
this pain you gave to me
this pain you gave to me


life is SO fucked up...there's no one who will talk to me...I'm all by myself with nothing to do but write these pathetic entries...

"They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to [Hell]."


yes my eye is still twitching...

gram's in the hospital...aunt eileen is still staying until wednesday...

so ya.. how about I might be going to indiana on saturday??...ya if my gram comes back to my house, we're gone. my mom like freaked out. She said she cant keep 5 kids quiet so my gram can rest at out house, so we're going away. Or if gram goes somewhere else the johnson kiddies might come stay..meh..whatever.. my mom is soo pissed.

*numb to core*...I put on what they want to see and nothing more..but inside I'm so pissed and angery. Why the hell does ths stuff happen at the worst times?? wwhy cant they just all go away?

[Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.]

its starting.... pic-ca-nica today.

and its startng already, I feel so little compared to my family, like I just disappear whenever i'm around them. I cant get a word in, and it just seems like i just disappear...and no one cares that i'm there...only when i'm not to ppl seem to notice

o well offf to pic-a-nica

*eye twitch*

*twitch*




*twitch*

what?? their back?? they're not supposed to be here until tomoro night!!! and the car is making crazy noises and my mom is freaking out, and my dad's ear is killing him, and all the stuff doesnt fit into the dishwasher, and and and and I'm going insane...there are 3 girls under 10 in the basement...

*runs around like a crazy person until she gets dizzy and falls over*

ooo God....does it ever end??/

here's more.... out of order but wth?

ok found out some info and I know I promised but here's summore on glenn:God we effed up...dude all I wanted after I realized we werent gna happen was to be your friend again. BUt you were too concerned with yourself and what you thought I thought to see that..and probably you never cared as much as I thought you did and probably I shouldnt have expected as much as i did, but we screwed up...and even now I still cant seem to reach you...[I dont wana drag this out / I never wanted it to end this way / and even if I wanted to / i dont think I could get to you / there's nothing I can say to you to make all this right again / maybe I was holding on too tight / dont just say goodbye / just turn your back away and leave / and if you're lucky I'll be ur last regret / I guess that this is over now / I guess its called a fall'n out / and every day I'm learning how to make it through this life again]

family: why the hell cant i even be accepted by my own famiy?!? and to be brutally honest (and a terrible person) I really dont want gram to stay here that much. Dude seriously, how do 8 ppl live in one house in 2005?? an 84 yr old woman, 2 40 something yr olds, 1 rebel teen, 1 perfect teen, 1 perfect son, 1 crazy/cute 6 yr old, and 1 insane, growling, TV line saying, picky, tantrum throwing 4 yr old, now tell me how does that work????? cuz I cant/dont see it guys...*heavy sigh* just cuz i dont want it to happen doesnt mean I'm gna be all angery to gram and hate her for it. If I was doing that I'd be hating Frank, but I cant. In fact I damn well sympathize with the guy. Who in their right mind wants to be 50 something and live with their mother-in-law and wife??? not that I agree with how he did it, cursing and yelling at an 83 yr old, but still Caroline is enough to deal with. Speak of the devil, she could at least thank my mom for doing this...when her husband kicked her out...[This is all I can take.... / I push my fingers into my eyes / It’s the only thing / That slowly stops the ache / But it’s made of all / The things I have to take / Jesus it never ends / It works it's way inside / If the pain goes on / I’m not gonna make it! / All I’ve got / All I’ve got Is InSanE]

but ya that's been life...

numb...so much has happend...will tell more later..must go sleep to prepare for the day ahead...oooo God, its coming

I REALLY LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!!

[Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.]

O GOd... It's been a while so lets seeeeeee....

kennywood>>awsum! spent lotsa time with Rj which was fun cuz he was nice to me and congrats dude... you waited wayyyy toooo long! dont regret it. I LOVE LAUREN!!! and missed miss brittany lyn very much! the exterminator is a very brutal ride esp with four ppl and when 3 of them are guys...you spin alot. umm katherine got angery even though she had tea. cangilla talked to me (surpriseingly)and frannie was tolerable. so ya... prettyy good day
jess's camp>>interesting. she is one scary lady...and then there was the drunk lady who came into our tent and laid all over our stuff O.o...yaa. Then the ppl in cars driving in circles around our tent at like 2am..grr.. jess's mom and aunts got soo mad we left at like 9 instead of like 2pm.yaaa
4th of July>>meh..went to the pool...happy america day
yesterday evning>>ooooo very intersing saw...are you ready for this?.... nick luft!!! o God...that kid talks sooo much! but ya...if you know him...i'll tell you more but otherwise its too boring!

and that's been life. today there's a confirmation mtg, maybe we'll get to holy rangers...right

gates...kid your gna make it...i'll be here for ya! <3ya hun! and we gotsa finish the scrapbook!!!!!!!

*gos off to find lyrics*

Tried a thousand times
Used a million lines
Trying to explain
'Cause they don't have a word
For the kind of hurt
That never goes away

When I try to think it though
It all comes back to you
I don't know why goodbye's so hard to understand
This pain I have is real
And I'll tell you how it feels
If I ever get the chance

It's like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

I could drive a hundred miles
And never touch that dial
'Till the station fades
'Cause nothing that I hear
Will ever make it clear
Words just slip away

And the more I think it through
The more I think of you
I dont know why goodbye's so hard to understand
You're never hard to find
'Cause you're always on my mind
No matter where I am

Just like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

It's like a lonely Friday night downtown
Where everyone I know is out
The radio's my only friend around
And all I do is think of you
It's a little like an old sad song
It kills you but you sing along
The melody just tears you all apart
It's something like a broken heart

~Hanna-McEuen~
*thnx sarah...sweet song*

God I hope you're happy, I hope to hell you're happy. I hope you're happy with your-damn-self. And ya I may be bitter but I was also used. And just to let you know...This is it... I think this time I can safely say I'm done...done doubting, done hoping, done wishing you away. Thnk you, even though you are a total effing hypocrit, you're actions helped me to see to that with you there is no hope; no hope of ever getting back to what we were...so I'm done. Dont eff w/her the way you effed with my head...damn hypocrit who cant balance his own goddamn life...why did I ever think I could let you into mine?

*(self doubt speaks) not really used, maybe there was something*

and maybe he's just an ass

*ya but that's him*

no effing excuse...you cant just stop being friends with someone...you can stop liking them, but there is no reason just to flat out stop talking to someone

*...ya*

so the pt of my little rant...yup kids I think I can say I'm done here. For a while I was fine, it was pushed under the surface, but now I'm done...there's nothing I can do to change the past, and its not worth regretting...so this is the last entry you'll have to read about it...Goodbye to you..and good riddance

[so scared to hope, only to screw up again,
too lonely for love, to just let this feeling go]

so ya...Jesus camp was fun, met lotsa awsum ppl! that i have to stay in touch with b/c they are freaking ammmmzzzzinggggg
+Jim Caviezl
+"pretty girls that wont date you on monday
+429
+bobbi jo what does ur butt have to say about that???
+gordita crunch
+"i'll call my friend, who can find my youth minister, who took our youth group out for chinese for dinner, so he'll know the number, and we can get it, and get chinese!...or we could just look it up in the phone bookkkk" (we were desperate baby!)
+RooMYYY
+pop-a-squat...yes mom
+Hey Jude....
+no mattt,....no squeaky laugh! u'll scare ppl!
+brian with a nylon on his leg
+my candle blowing out
+Shiniqua!
+Dear Brian. You complete me.........check yes, no, or maybe. your secret admirer....PS cant wait till monday
+noise game!
+musk stinks!

buttttt yyaaaa.... i do have somethings that need worked on...they confuse me.... I know i might be able to fix one or at least find the answer to it...but idk if I will like it??? but the other needsss much more work...requires time and spending it with certain ppl....to see if its even a problem at all....or if I'm wrong and its not really gna work out...

I hope I can follow all this through...