I do not often write in my journal here, but I do not often feel the need. I have a journal that I keep in writing, and I very often post these types of entries on DeviantArt instead. I suppose it is because it seems more private there.

Then again, publishing my thoughts and feelings on the internet is a stupid thing to do when I should ask for privacy, no?

In any case, I'm not sure how many of my friends here care, since not many of you are close enough to have any reason to care (and I mean physically, of course), but this Saturday I shall be moving to my mom's. I am at her house right now, but I am here because my grandma was my only ride out here and she has to go to a rehearsal dinner for my uncle's wedding tomorrow. The wedding is on Friday, and I am helping cut the cake at the reception. I am excited for it, and it should be a happy occassion. He has found a woman that he loves, and she is a great lady.

But I am sad about this move. Terribly troubled by it, as I have been troubled by very few things in the past. The last time I felt this way was when I chose to stay at my dad's house instead of moving to Nebraska with my mom (look what happened, I'm moving to Nebraska to live with my mom anyway). Though, if I had chosen to move the first time, I would have left my friends behind, and I probably would have never met a certain wonderful boy. The choice I had to make this time was to accept the help being given me, or forfeit all help completely. I chose the help, of course, because it would have been stupid not to. But I feel as though I have given up a little of my freedom in the process. I finally felt as though I was going to be treated like an adult, allowed to face hardships that might have caused me great pains, but would have given me the chance to overcome them as well. Now I shall no very few hardships, but for the emotional stress I shall endure at the hands of my mother's boyfriend. He's an ass, and we butt heads very much.

To all of my friends, and especially you my father, I am very sorry to have been gone, but I had more things that needed packing than I first thought, and my last days at work had strange hours. I am done with working for the moment, but it will be soon that I must find a new job. I will not be allowed to live here if I do not have a job. I do not have to pay rent, but it is a condition that has been set. Lots of love.

~Lily~

Well, I guessed I'm supposed to do this too, not that I don't enjoy this sort of thing once in a while...

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you!

1) My favorite thing in the world to drink is Coca-Cola.

2) I like the smells of gasoline, fingernail polish, and cigarette smoke. I'm sure my lungs don't, though.

3) I'm getting green contact lenses today.

4) People think I'm crazy for keeping a dictionary and thesaurus near me almost all the time.

5) I like to learn different languages, though I have yet to completely learn one.

6) Somehow, I like the color green. (I used to hate it...)

7) If I could have a poster of Carlisle Cullen instead of Edward, I would be happy.

8) I love my Christmas presents that I have received so far.

9) I absolutely hate being talked over (I mean this in a literal, physical sense).

10) I like lighters and knives, but not for any particular reason.

11) I'm reading too many books at once. I do that a lot.

12) I can't play the violin worth anything, but I wish I could.

13) Noise isolating ear buds are my best friends.

14) I like to take pictures of myself when I get really bored.

15) Ancient history is fascinating to me.

16) I like being cold because being hot makes me nauseous.

Okay, I don't think anyone that knows me didn't already know these things. And I'm not tagging anyone because I feel lazy. ^-^

So, I haven't written anything in ages. I'm sure you're all dying to hear from me (please, control your laughter). This is somewhat of a rant, because that's the mood I'm feeling today. This is something that I've just said to a friend of mine:

I'm so fucking sick of high school. The drama, the useless things being packed into our brains, the sense of entrapment, the lack of independence, the lack of individuality. I'm sick of it all.

Basically, I'm ready to be my own person, and I feel this keenly, but I'm stuck in my place by the rules that society and systems have put in place because of generalizations. "You're not old enough to make decisions by yourself. You're just a kid." Well, I know a good many adults that don't have any damn business making decisions that could alter someone's life. Why do I even go to school anymore? To get a good grade, and then go to more school? Good, fine, whatever. It's all just to make a little money and then die anyway. You can't take your money with you when you die, and you can't take anything you learn either. Because all of those things you learned? They're in your brain. And what happens to your brain when you die? It rots.

Don't mind me. I'm just having a little breakdown over here. I've been long overdue for one.

Why is it that people feel compelled to project their drama onto the lives of others? People are all interconnected with each other. It all just flows and spreads over everything, poisoning and killing and destroying. What ever happened to solving problems peaceably? Doesn't anyone talk anymore? We're far too advanced for our own good. If we had less buttons, less weapons, less distractions, perhaps put forth more effort in being socially adept people. People can hardly talk to each other anymore without starting an argument or a fight or a war. And even less people can read. No one can learn from past mistakes if they can't decipher them.

The human race is doomed. We're putting ourselves in the ground. There's no more logic, no more reason, no more coherent and measured thought, no more love. We're going to bomb ourselves into the ground, and then who will be left to learn from our mistakes? No one. And then what happens? Why, it starts all over again. That is, unless God can read, or perhaps use whatever he might have for eyes. Then he won't make the mistake of the human race again. Who would?

Yet again, it has been forever since I've put anything in my diary. This isn't anything all that important, but it's fun. A friend sent it to me in an e-mail and I don't really like to forward and reply to e-mails like that. So, Misa-chan, look at it here if you want. Everyone else, look if you want to anyway.

Two names you go by:
1. Ashlee
2. Lily

Two things you're wearing right now:
1. Bangkok 5 T-shirt
2. jeans

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A nap
2. Inspiration or motivation, I'm good with either.

Two things you did last night:
1. Wrestled my cat
2. Put off my homework (but somehow I'm still getting awesome grades...)

Two things you had to eat today:
1. Starburst
2. Enchiladas

Two people you last talked to:
1. Alistaire
2. Paden

Two things I did today:
1. Went to school
2. Filled out an ACT registration packet

Two longest car rides:
1. To Pennsylvania
2. To Montana

Two favorite beverages:
1. Coke
2. Green Tea (because it would have sounded weird and poser-ish if I said blood)

I haven't written a diary entry in quite a while, but this stereotype list is something I wouldn't mind posting for people to see. You don't have to repost this if you don't want to. It's completely up to you people. The things in bold are the things that apply to me.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.

I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I'm JAMAICAN, so I must smoke weed.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I take ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a stuck up whore.

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big penis.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR DIFFERENT COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I HAVE BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a whore.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool.

I have GERMAN HERITAGE, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy.

I'm a STONER, so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.

I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon and fried chicken.

I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.

I dont like the SUN, so I MUST be albino.

I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.

I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.

There are alot of people I wish could see this list. Stereotyping is wrong and offensive. As you read through these things, if you come across one and say that it is true, maybe you should reconsider how you look at people.

Mon dieu, my last entry was weird (random French, wtf? o.O). I was being all obsessive and strange. Seriously, the way I was writing is making me raise an eyebrow. I know I write like that when I let my emotions get the better of me. When I get paranoid or...obsessive. If anyone ever gets creeped out by my entries like that (are there any besides that last one...?), I apologize. I try not to get like that. *sighs* But, what can I do? I cannot deny that I have the emotions of a human being.

This was a random diary entry. Completely. And now to finish it with a random thought. Why on earth do so many people keep calling my house?! It's maddening! >.<

I'm writing another entry, I guess. I don't usually have anything to say. But I suppose what I want to say is that if I have offended anyone on here (inadvertantly I mean, because I've offended people on purpose before), then I apologize. I am disgusted with myself right now and I feel like I have already offended someone I have just met. I want to send him a message to tell him I am sorry for acting the way I have already, but it will only make me seem more obsessed and I don't want that. I won't mention names. I hardly expect him to read this because he is not on my friend list and I doubt if he actually takes any interest in me. Honestly, I feel like I have deceived myself and I think I have tried so hard not to sound like a mindless fangirl, I have made a complete loop and damned myself to such a fate. Damned myself? That was a bit harsh, I suppose. I am not yet damned. Do I wish that I was? In a way, yes...

Do I believe whole-heartedly that the person I spoke of only a moment ago is who he says he is? Yes. Of course, the only reason I have to doubt it is my own cynicism. I want forgiveness for my impertinence and my hasty babble and random conversation. I wish I could take back some of the things I have typed because I feel emabarrassed about them. But I can't take them back and I have to live with that embarrassment now. I won't let it ruin me. All I can do is hope that I may earn forgiveness from someone who, in my opinion, has right to judge me. He knows very much, in all his years, and I know so very little.

I wish I could stop myself before I get onto these stupid, selfish, starstruck babbles. But then again, I could always erase everything on this form and it would never reach the net. But I suppose that I cannot stop myself from being who I am: an uninteresting, sometimes rude, slightly obsessive 15-year-old girl. I cannot deny that I am such.

I almost find myself wishing that he won't read this because I feel like a stalker. My sophistication, or what little I may have had, has more or less disappeared with a fascination for someone that I am talking to on an internet community. This is disgusting. I think I want to throw up. I'm choking on my obsessiveness. I am utterly hopeless.

If I died, I know people around me would care. But do I even feel for myself? Cold detachment from my own skin...

Hmmm...I don't write in here often, do I? I'm wondering where all my inspiration is going at the moment. I can't write anything worth writing. Trust me, when you write poems randomly in free verse when they come to you, it's hard to write a good poem. Rhyme and meter is even harder. I suppose that means it's a good thing I don't give a damn about rhyme? Meter still concerns me. Listen to me, ranting about poetry terms as if they were my best friend's mental disorders or something. Ah, that brings me to another concern of mine. Where did my humor go? Why isn't anything making me laugh? Why can't I make anyone else laugh? The last time I made anyone laugh was last Friday when about 4 of my friends were over. I was sitting here, at my computer, and I was googling something, I think. Oh yes, it was images from Interview with the Vampire. I was already flustered because of the use of Antonio Banderas for the role of Armand. And then, my friend Josh, who was standing behind me, purposefully mispronounced the name Lestat. This already gets on my nerves when they say it wrong in the movie 'Queen of the Damned', but this was the most horrible, blatant slaughter of the name I have ever heard. But I made my friends laugh because I scared Josh. I turned around faster than I thought I had the reflexes to do and gave him what he called the 'death glare from hell'. He backed up so fast he knocked over one of the dining room chairs and cowered for a few seconds. I never knew I had the power to scare people so badly. Actually, it felt good. I don't scare people often...

Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to write a diary entry. Christmas vacation started Thursday and right now I have no clue where my parents are. Seriously. They aren't here and I'm not going to go downstairs to see if Mom's car is gone. I'm assuming it is because both of Dad's vehicles are still here. They'll come back eventually, I guess. I was thinking about laying down on the couch so I think I might...

Thursday night I spent the night at my girlfriend's house. Her cats were trying to eat a mouse that was in the house so we caught it in a Suncoast bag and put it in a Rubbermaid container. It's just the cutest thing. It's still kind of a baby so it's rather small and he's so cute because he'll let you pet him and he won't bite you. We named him Tuffy. That was the original name of the littler mouse on Tom & Jerry. You know, the one that follows Jerry around? I think he's grey. Yeah that's it.

I think I'll write again after Christmas. I want to write about what I got for Christmas and what I liked best...

Wow. I guess it's been a really long time since I last wrote anything here. Well, since I've been away from here, I have become a deviant on deviantART and I have come to the conclusion that my friends know me too well. Instead of 1 e-mail address, I now have 3, and I have an unhealthy obsession with the Shichinintai of Inuyasha. Though for the people that don't do their research before-hand, that would be the name of the Band of Seven in Japanese. My obsession mostly centers around Jakotsu and Bankotsu because Bankotsu is so incredibly kawaii ^-^ and Jakotsu just kicks ass. Anyway, next weekend, my mom is being so kind as to take me and 2 of my friends all the way out to Council Bluffs and Omaha to go to the malls! I say 'malls' instead of mall because we have to go to 2 for what we require. We absolutely must go to Hot Topic so that means we are going to the Mall of the Bluffs. But we must also go to Suncoast because we all neeeeed anime and manga. So this means we have to go to the Crossroads mall in Omaha. Mom is going to have hell. But the bright side for her is that she's going to call one of her friends and they're going to hang out so we all get to ditch each other ^-^.

Also, if anyone is interested, check out my deviantART gallery and tell me what you think. I'm AngstyChibiHiei so to get straight to my page type in http://angstychibihiei.deviantart.com and that should be easier ^-^. Ja ne!

I am very bored today. I woke up at 11 and I want someone to talk to. Anybody! Talk to me please! Bye....

Once again, I'm really bored. But this time, I want people to messege me and tell me what they think of this depressing poetic paragraph:

A single raven feather in her lily-white fingers as she looks on into the dark. The innocence gone from her dark black eyes and she weaves thoughts of sadness and madness into her memories. She loves no more, her heart a tangled sticky web. Streams of tears roll down her face as she looks into the abyss of her sadness.

Just messege me and tell me what you think of it. I have more if you would like me to post them. Bye bye! ^.^

I know I already wrote something for today but I'n really bored. If there is anybody out there that is an Inuyasha fan or even watches anime, please send me a messege! I don't care how randome you people are, I just want to talk to someone really...

Ummm...I have a message from Chris, my online boyfriend: Today is the anniversary of September 11 and the attacks on the twin towers. Please show your appriciation for the men and women who died to save those who lived after the crash. Show your appriciation by placing a heart in front of your msn name (if you have msn) on this day. Arigato! ^.^