She's my mother. Not from this life, but from another. I dont know if i can make myself love her. I'm scared of her. She's so malicious. So mean. She enjoys the torture, and enjoys his screams....But she cares about me. The only person who's ever told me they were proud.

*sighs* I should start this again, too. But what should I say? That i'm lonely without my old friends? That i feel sick because i've missed so much? That i want you all to still love me, but I dont honestly expect it...*sighs* And my Mark-chan's been gone in stupid Hawaii for a few weeks and wont be back for a whole 9 more days. >< I dont know if i can wait for Emmi that long, it's driving me up the wall. I cry every time Mark starts me into talking about him, or i think about him or anything. Ugh. And to top it all off Mark's having problems with Andy and Andy loves Mark to DEATH. But Mark loves Nail, and Nail would never REALLY love Mark, not in 100 years. Not while Rean's in the picture. And ANGELICA. >< UGH! I'm sick of my own Mother! She says she hates drama, but she sure causes a helluvalot of it. Poor Thelonius. I know no one has any small CLUE of what i'm talking about. I dont care. It's good to just get it out. I'm worried, and semi-happy, and guilty, and you know...just...."*sigh*"

En's sweet. He gives me everything i want, and he loves me. He never turns anything i ask for down, and he cares about me. I should be satisfied. But i'm not. Someone yell at me and tell me i'm wrong. Tell me i shouldnt want more...but...i dont love him...

Where are the villains?
Where are the boys?
Dressed all in armor
With weapons for toys?

Where’s good and evil?
Where’s black and white?
Down on the earthen
Plane what is right?

What is a hero?
Now that I’ve drown.
What’s inspiration
So close to the ground?

Down out of the clouds
I’ve ‘seen the light’
Within the stardust
All seemed right.

When I was with you
We skipped high, rejoicing.
Now I’m all here
Drinking my poison.

What is this question’s
Use down under clouds?
What is the question’s
Use in the crowds?

But where are the villains?
Where are their toys?
What is a hero?
Where are the boys?

How far from grace have we fallen?
Lost, scarred, wasted, and forgotten.
How far from God have we stumbled?
Blasphemous, pain-hungry, hurt, and humbled.

How far from You have I run?
All for the sake of twisted fun.
How far from the ideal have I flown?
Tormented, lovely, and unknown.

How far from He have we gone?
Thinking everything right is wrong.
And how far from His grace have we fallen?
Lost, scarred, wasted, and forgotten.

How far from His ways are we falling?
Entwined in different notes, song, and calling.
And who in our dreams do we see?
An angel, a blessing, taken from thee.

I miss him
I love him
I /trust/ him, poor me
I Know him
I feel him
I.. I dont know...I think about him. All the time.
And you'd think...
That i'd be over it by now.
I never...
What is it?
I think i'm in...something
In trouble.
And i thought, after a while
That it wasnt love.
It must be...right?
God...I dont know. I"m so confused.
My feelings are jumbled.
I think if i dont see him soon,
I'll go under.
Again.
I dont know...
Probably not.
And at least i'm honest...
But...
Call me by name
Call me.
Feathers....
I found one the other day.
The first in a long while
And it made me smile.
And i put it with the others.
And it felt special.
More so than the rest.
Because i didnt even...mean to find it
Not that i meant the other ones, but...
I dont know.
Someone talk to me about all this.
I think i need....
Well, i need again.
I want again.
And i think i like it.
More and more.
And i deffinately want him.

*whimpers* Rachel, help me. Please, help me. I dont wanna be a whore...please....I need someone to talk to..Theres no one here anymore...who likes me...or is uncomfortable around me...or who i can talk to...i dont want to be a whore anymore...i just want to go home...please...someone...

Enough feathers to make myself a pair of wings...and every time i see one, i'm reminded that i am loved. And it makes me want to cry. So badly. But i cant. I never can. I'm heading towards a break down. I cry at every little thing, but only a few tears. I'm heading towards a break down. I cant really cry. Its bad...everythings bad...oh, gods, i need....I need again. I need someone to say 'i love you.' and Eliyk does. And i dont want to hear it, damn it. I dont want to hear that from him. He's my BROTHER. My FATHER. I dont want that.

I found a place
I stood above
I learned of peace
I learned of love

I found triumph
In my hand
I reached out
To understand

I could almost touch it
And I almost believed
I was almost there
Love, truly, was almost conceived

But it was shattered
By the dawn
By the dew
And sun-sparkled lawn

And my memories
They all seem
So unreal
So like a dream

The night was blessed
Yet cursed as well
A mix of heaven
Earth, and hell.

It feel so weird, but...i'm...happy. I've been happy. I dont know why, but...i'm happy.

When you write what the world feels, you speak to the world. When you write what you feel, you speak to no one. When you write what those like you feel, you speak to a selective audience. For once, cant we just....speak for the sake of speech?